Love in the Time of LeBron

How I Learned To Quit Worrying and Love the Lockout

2011-09-09T03:22:00.000-04:00

I am back from where I was, just in time (far too late) to talk about an unexpectedly great summer in basketball that should never have happened.

In the summer of 2011, there should have been no cause for happiness amongst NBA fans. The expiring collective bargaining agreement and the hard line position of the owners that was unacceptable to the players union meant a lockout was inevitable. Sure enough, the lockout came, and, for a time, things were as bad as we feared.

Then, suddenly they weren’t. The players started doing what they did best: play basketball. Exhibition games, charity games, and haphazard duels broke out all over the country. Pro-am leagues that only rarely see a smattering of pro talent were swamped with NBA players looking to play some ball. Kobe Bryant and others went to Manila for an exhibition game against some of the best Filipino basketball players. Kevin Durant showed up at nearly every basketball court in the country to take on any and all comers, including a now-legendary showing at Rucker Park where he effortlessly put up 66 points. The best players from the LA-based Drew League took on the best from the Washington, DC-based Goodman league. Then Carmelo Anthony, repping Baltimore challenged the Goodman All-Stars to a game and brought along two of his closest pals, namely LeBron James and Chris Paul. Some of these games were streamed on the Internet, but many of them were events that only the people at the game got to see. The rest of us got shaky semi-professional YouTube highlight reels and secondhand tweets. The best players in the world had stepped down from their pedestals and come amongst us. High school and small college gymnasiums played host to some of the most breath-taking games that have been played in the entire year. Basketball right now is not a televised product, but rather a folk phenomenon. These larger than life millionaires aren’t on our TV, they are suddenly and unexpectedly in our gyms: ready to take any and all comers. Instead of a schedule on ESPN, you hear that Jameer Nelson is trying to set up a Baltimore and Philadelphia game and all you can do is check Twitter and see if the game materializes out of thin air. It’s exciting, unpredictable, and not quite graspable. It beats the hell out of watching marginal training camp prospects go at it for a couple of weeks in Las Vegas. Instead of the NBA’s official summer league, we’re getting a trainer-run league in Vegas, designed to help skilled, starting-caliber NBA players stay in playing shape. You know that these games will be fun.

And that’s the crux of the summer. “Professional basketball” right now is a very amorphous thing. No one is sure what will happen in November, and in that uncertainty, there is a certain degree of freedom. Last year, in anticipation of the massive free agency class, many of the NBA’s best turned down chances to play on their respective national teams for the FIBA World Championship. This year, it seems like none of the international players are opting out. Right now in Eurobasket, a full strength Spanish, French, and German team (complete with NBA Finals stud Dirk Nowitzki) are squaring off against a hyper-competitive field this year. Even FIBA Americas has witnessed a jolt in star power as Greivis Vasquez shows his stuff for a rising Venezuela team while a reconstituted Argentinian team looks poised to wreak unholy hell upon the rest of the field. FIBA play has suddenly gotten very good and if the lockout continues, international play is going to get really interesting.

Lots of players are signing on to play for club teams all over the world. Deron Williams made the first big move by signing with Turkish club Besiktas. He was soon followed by all sorts of players wanting to ensure that they will have a job if the entire season is called off. Ty Lawson and Sonny Weems both agreed to play for the same Lithuanian team, while Andrew Bogut is playing coy about which Austrailian team he intends to play for. In the most radical developments, Wilson Chandler and J.R. Smith have signed contracts with teams in the Chinese Basketball Association. The signing doesn’t seem so radical until you know that these contracts have either no opt-out clause or a very limited opt out clause. For these two, regardless of when the NBA comes back, they might be spending the year in China, going against Stephon Marbury and the other US expats turned CBA all-stars

A lack of basketball planned for the fall has led to a blossoming of great, or at least fun basketball all summer long and promised interesting developments that might even help grow the game globally in the long term. Of course, this weird weird summer has led to even more bizarre incidents off of any basketball courts. The early summer started with a massive and daring planking war between Gilbert Arenas and JaVale McGee. Meanwhile, Baron Davis made good on his promise to his grandmother to go back to UCLA and work on finishing his college degree. Watching him dorkily tweet about group projects has been a joy. Anthony Randolph did the same thing at LSU and then talked excitedly about enrolling for the fall and rushing a frat. Seriously. Ron Artest decided to change his name to Metta World Peace and very soon you will be able to see him attempt a wide array of dance moves on Dancing with the Stars, because of course that’s what Ron Artest is doing. Shaq started off his retirement by attending a broadcast and film camp where he learned a lot of the technical ends and outs of shooting movies. Blake Griffin decided to do a regular old internship at Funny or Die, because an internship at Funny or Die is the most Blake Griffin thing in the world besides dunking on very tall yet unsuspecting Europeans. Similarly, star endorser of Under Armor, Brandon Jennings decided to take his relationship with the company to another level and start working an internship for the brand. He has his own office and goes to meetings about design and marketing, trying to help UA hone it’s image and product focus.

It’s been a weird summer for NBA players, and I can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed it. Hell, this is the best off-season in my memory. There’s nothing like an uncertain future to bring out the goofiest and most carefree in people. The lockout might end tomorrow or it might end a year from tomorrow. After this summer? I’m honestly okay with it going either way.

2010 Season Preview Minnesota Timberwolves

2010-10-26T02:11:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the lovable loser, the Minnesota Timberwolves

Classification
A Terrible Team With A Ton Of Potential

Why We Care
We shouldn't. Despite New Jersey's nearly historically terrible record, Minnesota was clearly the worst team in the league last year. They were worse than the Nets, and that says something. That said, we feel optimism. There is something about bottoming out that makes it feel like things have to get better. Kevin Love has all the talent in the world and his break-out seems inevitable. We're bullish on a Beasley bounce-back and honestly expect a blossoming at the Minnesota wings. Wayne Ellington is a sentimental favorite around these parts, and he seems primed to make that big second-year jump in a dramatic passion. I love watching teams get better, and I think it would be hard for the Timberwolves to be worse.

Significant Beards
Maurice Ager: Landing strip. Clearance refused.
Michael Beasley: Hanging goatee. Why bother?
Corey Brewer: Stubbly and shadowy. Charming.
Wayne Ellington: Magiciany little ‘stache and goatee. Both really need to disappear in a puff of smoke.
Lazar Haywood: Standard but successful goatee. Approved.
Kevin Love: The most earnest goatee ever.
Sebastian Telfair: Scraggly... yet completely flat. How? Why?
Martell Webster: Underchin patch. Sweat-catcher?

Guiding Text
Pale Fire

If They Were A Terrible Sports Franchise They Would Be...
The Minnesota Timberwolves

LeBron on the Timberwolves
The counted the ballots one at a time. Taking each one out of the box and reading them aloud. Kevin diligently put a mark next to the appropriate name on the whiteboard in the back of the room. There were three whiteboards in the room. The one on the front had a diagrammed play. The one one on the side of the room was laid out into a grid, an elaborate scouting report, lovingly prepared by some assistant who put great care into his handwriting. The players seldom read the board scouting report, preferring, when they read the reports at all, to look at a hard copy. The paper reports are quite good, but the board report has a graphical aspect to it that’s compelling: the different colored markers providing an extra dimension of represented knowledge. The handwriting was truly lovely.

Michael had three votes now. LeBron couldn’t understand it. He still only had the one: he saw the slip; it was his own handwriting. He didn’t get it. Kurt just stood on impassively. This was happening. There was a looping quality to the handwriting on the board: not extra flourishes but an overall tendency towards curves over lines. The letters were still thin, though the lines seemed thick. Kevin was saying something now. LeBron knew he should pay attention, but he didn’t. Couldn’t. It didn’t matter. Focusing takes a lot, and you can focus for years and never achieve anything but strain. Kevin’s words were just meaningless noise. He could hear them, if they chose, but they still wouldn’t have any meaning.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Milwaukee Bucks

2010-10-26T01:27:00.001-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the most fearsome deer, the Milwaukee Bucks

Classification
Very Fun Team On the Rise

Why We Care
A healthy Andrew Bogut is the second best center in the NBA and Brandon Jennings once scored 55 points in three quarters. Corey Maggette is also a wonder of the world with his uncanny ability to draw shooting fouls. Other than that... Well, okay: I get that it's hard to get pumped up by Ersan Ilyasova, Carlos Delfino, Michael Redd, and John Salmons. That said, these guys can all play basketball, and with Bogut and Jennings, this team is totally capable of beating anybody on a given night. This is a team on the verge. If Bogut can stay healthy and make the leap or if Jennings can go nova and not look back, this team is as talented as any other single-star based team in the league.

Significant Beards
Andrew Bogut: Thorny tangle. Chin valiantly breaks through.
Carlos Delfino: Mysterious beard, bold soul patch.
Chris Douglas: Sassy goatee. Commendable.
Drew Gooden: Sad Rasputin reincarnated in Milwaukee.
Ersan Illyasova: Underchin goatee. Has a slippery face.
Brandon Jennings: Pointy beard, hair. Impressive symmetry.
Corey Maggette: Very sculptural. Possibly a half-pipe.
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: Long name, tiny beard.
Michael Redd: Maybe too safe. Live a little.
John Salmons: Living too much. Chin-fro.
Brian Skinner: Clearly glued on. Half off at the Irregular Beard Warehouse and Emporium.

Guiding Text
The Hunter's Sketches

If They Were A Gaming System They Would Be...
A Sega Saturn

LeBron on the Bucks
“They aren’t infinitely many, LeBron. If that were true than all possibilities would be accounted for: even ones that break all the observable rules, norms, and laws that we have observed. Acceleration, for example is always acceleration, no matter where you are. The rule always holds. There exists no possibility where things don’t all accelerate according to the same basic principle. This principle though constrains possible interactions and can lead to more advanced emergent phenomena, where, for some bizarre coincidence of confluencing constraints, a highly plausible reality may simple fail to exist. Does that make sense? Just because there are many, many possibilities doesn’t mean that every possibility must exist. I love ice cream. Now, imagine this, because radioactive materials have to decay a certain way, the universe ends up taking a very definite shape and while there is some space for variation, that variation simply doesn’t exist in other places. So, while in many possibilities, I don’t exist, in all of the ones where I do exist, I happen to like ice cream.”

“That’s very interesting, but what’s the point of this?”

“The point is simple. These things that don’t change across all the possibilities: are they more important than the things that do change? Are they more essential to identity? Are they more inalienable? The universe allows for massively myriad variation. So are the things that don’t vary more important? In a sense, they are so deeply a part of you that you simply don’t exist without these things, and it all follows from some elementary constraint of particle physics.”

“On the other hand, you might be entirely malleable. The universe is constrained but the possibilities are so bountiful that intense and inconsistent variation is inevitable. There’s just too much possibility to realistically think that such anchors, such constants can exist in any meaningful way.”

Brandon just nodded.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Miami Heat

2010-10-26T00:48:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the harbringers of doom, the Miami Heat.

Classification
Mythic

Why We Care
This team has the potential to be the greatest team in basketball history. It's not the most likely course and it's certainly not inevitable, but whenever that possibility is in play, you have to pay attention. This team could be mind-numbingly awesome. They could play a style of basketball that has never been played before. They could leave a trail of scorched earth and ruined buildings in their wake. This team has the potential of uranium ore. They could be mediocre. This is totally true. But where is the ceiling on the best-case scenario? I don't know either, and that's why we will watch very carefully.

Significant Beards
Joel Anthony: Goatee shaped exactly like his head. A deeply unsettling glimpse of infinity.
Chris Bosh: Another flat goatee. Shave this man.
Mario Chalmers: Little hair nubs along his chin. Festive.
Udonis Haslem: A dust ruffle for the chin.
Eddie House: Solid but uninspired. Frozen red velvet cake.
Juwan Howard: Possibly a smudge.
LeBron James: Classic. Of course.
Jamaal Magloire: Barely there. The thong of beards.
Mike Miller: Scraggle. This isn’t actually Spring Break.
Jerry Stackhouse: Another infinity goatee. House of mirrors.
Dwayne Wade: Standard goatee, no upgrades. Cheap.

Guiding Text
Book of Revelation

If They Were A Milkshake They Would Be...
Strawberry.

LeBron on the Heat
He stared at the computer for a while, reading slowly and carefully. He typed for a minute. He hesitated for a second. He pressed a button. He looked at the screen. He closed the laptop quickly. He sat down on the couch and relaxed, staring at the television. Of course it started again. He wanted to change the channel, but felt compelled to watch. If anyone else had been around they would have probably insisted on changing the channel, but LeBron watched and listened. His expression didn’t change, his features half-frozen. His brow was furrowed. They went to commercial. He looked at his phone. The little light in the corner was flashing. It always was. He checked his messages. Without fail, there it was. Unceasing, unfaltering, unforgiving. He typed out a reply, bravado on the tiny keyboard. He felt guilty responding. No he didn’t. He needed to respond.

Everyone was there for dinner that night and it was wonderful. His friends and family all at the massive table by the pool. His boys got in the water and splashed around with the other kids. It had finally started to get a little bit chilly on some nights, but tonight the air was warm and the weather mild. At the table, the men were funny and kind and the women were sharp and gracious. They were all laughing more than talking. When they spoke, they would touch each other;s arms warmly or put a reassuring hand on each other’s shoulder. LeBron excused himself twice during the dinner. The first time he got the beach ball for the kids at the pool. The second time he checked his phone.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Memphis Grizzlies

2010-10-26T00:39:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, everyone's favorite Canadian emigres, the Memphis Grizzlies.

Classification
Surprisingly Awesome Despite Starting Mike Conley

Why We Care
This is one of the few secret surprises left in the NBA now that all the other secretly fun teams in the NBA have been thoroughly exposed to the adoring public. So enjoy them now so you can be totally over it by the time they get their own Sports Illustrated cover. All kidding aside, Rudy Gay may be paid more than you think is prudent but dude can play and can definitely dunk. O.J Mayo is a scintillating scorer and somehow Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol have morphed into one of the most formidable back courts in the NBA. The Grizzlies are pretty awesome, but as a non-contending small market team without very much star power, they are second-class NBA citizens at best, and woefully under-exposed. The Grizzlies might not be the next big thing, but watching them play and appreciating their game is what being an obsessive NBA fan is all about.

Significant Beards
Tony Allen: Underchin goatee. Mole-like. Possibly malignant.
Darrell Arthur: Chin eyebrow. Buy two, get one free?
DeMarre Carroll: Like hair laugh lines. It works.
Mike Conley: The whole dull package: mustache, soul patch, and goatee. Yawn.
Marc Gasol: A truly grizzly beard. Points for team spirit. Major deductions for creepiness.
Hamed Haddadi: Somewhat Satanic soul patch. Fiery.
Acie Law: Shaped like a nearly-empty glass of water. Why?
O.J. Mayo: Too patchy. Offensive to actual grizzlies.
Zach Randolph: Itty-bitty ‘tee. Somehow, it actually works. Miracles happen.
Hasheem Thabeet: Underchin only. Some beards are just shy.
Sam Young: Weighty, ambitious. One day it will rule his face. Or maybe the world?

Guiding Text
The Winter’s Tale

If They Were A Marsupial They Would Be...
A wallaby.

LeBron on the Grizzlies
No matter how tight the blinds were drawn, the light slipped through the cracks. It spilled onto the ceiling onto the floor. The peephole on the door glowed. The small cracks around the door inadvertently limned it in radiance. The air conditioner hummed. No, it didn’t. It rattled. It growled. It blew out chilled, stale air in the summer and scorched, stale air in the winter. The lights in the room, when on, let out that tell-tale hum of fluorescent bulbs which glowed bright and cold. They gave the room a pale green hue that was apparent even on the dark, patterned carpet and wall-paper. He had turned those lights off almost immediately. The light spilling on on the floor and ceiling flickered whenever someone walked by the windows though you could seldom here their footsteps. Through the walls, you could hear someone watching television. There was lots of cheering and men’s voices, self-assured and baritone. A game? Maybe. Maybe wrestling.

The two double beds sat undisturbed, and the television remained off in this room. Nothing was turned on, but there was still plenty of illumination: the glowing thermostat panel, the flashing light on the old-fashioned hotel phone, a little red light on the adaptor for the hair-drying station affixed to the wall, and of course that sneaking, spilling light from the bright parking lot lights. Could you ever really escape light? Over the hum and the room next door he could hear, on occasion, footsteps from the room above. Slow footsteps. Slow and rare. A rush of water when they flushed the toilet. He couldn’t hear anyone through the walls on the other side of the room. There was a knock on the door and he held his breath.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Los Angeles Lakers

2010-10-21T14:02:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the defending champions, the Los Angeles Lakers.

Classification
Winners

Why We Care
The past two years they have won the NBA championship and the have given every indication that they intend to win again. No one will be surprised if they do. The Lakers are the best proven team in basketball and only got better in the off-season. Kobe Bryant is a genius and no matter how much Pau Gasol is praised, he is underrated. We love Lamar and Ron with no apologies to anyone. This team, even without Kobe Bryant, is a very good contender. With Kobe Bryant, they frighten me. This team is a force of nature. A typhoon, an earthquake, a plague of locusts. We watch them because it would be dangerous to leave them unwatched.

Significant Beards
Ron Artest: Goatee. Thin, neat, slightly debonaire.
Matt Barnes: Smudge beard. Please erase.
Shannon Brown: Unremarkable goatee. B+ for participation.
Andrew Bynum: Barely there. Beard tease.
Derek Fisher: Barely perceptible box-goatee. Don’t squint.
Pau Gasol: Drama major beard. Understudy at best.
Lamar Odom: Big head, tiny soul patch.

Guiding Text
Thus Spake Zarathustra

If They Were A Late-90’s Teen Movie They Would Be...
She's All That

LeBron on the Lakers
Hell no. No way. This couldn’t happen. It was an outrage, a sin, a shame. A travesty, a disaster, a catastrophe. A farce, a mockery, a cruel sick joke. He felt sick. He was going to vomit. No he wasn’t. He took a deep breath, remembered some of the techniques Phil had taught him. He took a deep breath. It would be fine. It didn’t matter. It would be fine. None of it mattered except what he could control. Yet, surely he could control this. Surely, he had the clout. He could make a scene, make threats. He probably wouldn’t have to. This was his town. He could change this, he could stop this. Should he?

Would they question his motives? What would they say? Would he care what they said? He was golden now. Untouchable. Unable to be touched. It didn’t matter what they said. They could say anything. What if they said “Colorado”? He paused. His chest felt tight and he wasn’t sure if he was breathing right. He felt nauseous. No. He would be bigger. “It’s all about the team.” Putting his pride first wouldn’t be tolerated. Putting his personal feelings and his pride above everything else would make him a marked man. They would turn against him. They couldn’t turn against them. But what if they did? He vomited.

LeBron actually laughed out loud at the thought.

Kobe slept soundly.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Los Angeles Clippers

2010-10-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the beardiest second bananas on the West Coast, the Los Angeles Clippers

Classification
The Idea Is Better Than Reality

Why We Care
We care because they should be great. Baron Davis has all the talent in the world and could absolutely be an elite point guard in this league. Chris Kaman is a legitimate center who, if last year is any indication, is full of surprises. Eric Gordon made a name for himself in the Olympics this year, and the promise of Blake Griffin is nearly incomprehensible. Yet, they remain the Clippers: cursed and likely doomed to best-case mediocrity and worst-case apocalypse. We care because of the flashes of greatness and to watch the undoing from the inside.

Significant Beards
Baron Davis: Lush, full. Lifetime achievement award.
Rasual Butler: Light goatee. A Gentleman’s C.
Randy Foye: Miniscule goatee. Satisfactory.
Ryan Gomes: Half chin-strap. Half a barn-raising and a butter churn.
Eric Gordon: Shadow of a neard. Mild disgust.
DeAndre Jordan: Chinstrap to goatee. 7.3.
Chris Kaman: Full ginger chinstrap to goatee. An improvement, for what that's worth.
Craig Smith: Reasonable goatee. Strong.

Guiding Text
On the Beach

If They Were A Brass Instrument They Would Be...
A trombone

LeBron on the Clippers
The motorcycles revved loudly in the distance. It was hot, but it had always been hot, and there was no sense in guessing why, specifically, this instant, it felt so unbearable. The Los Angles sun had always seemed brighter than anywhere else and it beamed as insistent as ever, baking the ground and turning the asphalt into near-lava. The actual lava from the rift flowed down Rodeo and eventually into the city proper, a slow, fiery worm eating the city. The wildfires glowed day and night, but the unbearable part was the smoke, filling the air and turning the insistent sun a sickly orange at dawn and an angry red in the evening. The motorcycles were getting louder. Baron nodded.

The plaza was empty, the windows all broken, the stores thoroughly looted. After the collapse, people either responded by rioting or fleeing and by this point even most of those who had once rioted had now fled. The mansions of the wealthy stood empty or in ashes and when you walked the streets, the loudest sound was broken glass under your own feet. Most of the time. The roaring engines were nearly upon them and the others all stood ready with their Louisville sluggers and their chains and their switchblades. Someone was growling. LeBron lifted the fireman’s axe onto his shoulders, braced himself and waited for Baron’s signal.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Indiana Pacers

2010-10-21T13:39:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the Indiana Irrelevants!

Classification
A Team Filled With Intriguing Players That Just Doesn't Matter

Why We Care
The Pacers used to matter. Reggie Miller was a scintillating performer and the early 2000's Pacers were responsible for the "Malice in the Palace" and included Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and Jermaine O'Neal. Now? The Pacers don't matter but they sure have some players of interest. Everyone knows Darren Collison as a star-in-the-making and Danny Granger is one of my favorite personalities in the league (nice-guy-Channing-Frye category), as well as being a long-limbed dead-eye. The Pacers also employ the talents of Love in the Time of LeBron sentimental favorite, Tyler Hansbrough and the intriguing potential of Roy Hibbert. This isn't a good team, but they have some players I love to watch and play at barn-burning pace. They are the huffing glue of NBA basketball: a cheap, fast thrill that's ultimately damaging and empty. But, you know, sometimes you channel your inner Ramone and want to sniff some glue. So that's why we have the Pacers.

Significant Beards
Darren Collision: Glued a black pom-pom to his chin. Crafty.
T.J. Ford: The folds of his face cast hair shadows.
Danny Granger: Chin bracket. Contains multitudes.
Roy Hibbert: Unclear where chin ends and beard begins. Should confuse opponents.
Solomon Jones: Soul patch the size of his eyes. Triclops.
Josh McRoberts: Lazy. Half-mast.
James Posey: Unremarkable goatee. Needs more poof.
A.J. Price: Like a reverse goatee. The center of his chin refused to participate.

Guiding Text
The Pilgrim’s Progress

If They Were A Manned Space Program They Would Be...
Gemini

LeBron on the Pacers
He moved the device slowly over the bookshelf, waiting for a beep or a disturbance. It was more than likely in this room. It was quiet in the room. There was... nothing... no wait. A ticking. There was a definite ticking, from nearby. He pulled a small pile of books off their shelves before he noticed he was still wearing his watch. Of course. He put it on an endtable on the other side of the room and turned the device back on. LeBron sort of vaguely waved the device over his possessions, slowly moved it over the wall. The device had a digital display, parts of it displaying something that looked like a line graph and another part that looked almost like static. LeBron didn’t really know what either part meant. The manual was... somewhere. He looked at the piles of books covering the floor. He stopped. He could still hear the ticking.

LeBron got up and moved the watch to the next room. He went back in and listened. He thought he could still hear it. He went back, picked up the watch and went into the kitchen. He looked around for a second. He opened the refrigerator and then closed it. He noticed that he often did this, as if opening the refrigerator triggered a temporary wipe of his brain that made him forget anything he was doing. He opened the refrigerator and put the watch inside. He went back to the study and resumed scanning for listening devices.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Houston Rockets

2010-10-18T11:40:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the Yao Ming Yao Mings (feat. Daryl Morey).

Classification
Wonder of the World

Why We Care
The Houston Rockets, thanks to Michael Lewis, are apparently the standard-bearers of the advanced stats movement. Don't care about stats? What about bandwagons? Thanks to Yao Ming, the Houston Rockets are arguably the most popular basketball team on the planet: more people watch regular season Rockets games than the Super Bowl. Honestly, without these things, the Rockets are still a team worth watching, chock full of players with unique and clever styles: Kevin Martin, Shane Battier, Chuck Hayes, and Luis Scola are all scintillating in their own way.

Significant Beards
Aaron Brooks: Goatee pinching his face like a vise. Painful.
Chase Budinger: Same as Brooks, but orange. Seasonal.
Chuck Hayes: Too thin. Beard up or beard out.
Jordan Hill: Split goatee. Choice, or a barren strip?
Jared Jeffries: Sparse, but so well shaped. Confusing.
Alexander Johnson: He dipped his chin in a mud puddle.
Courtney Lee: Sparse and vaguely pubic. Bikini season.
Kyle Lowry: Unacceptable. Not a beard.
Brad Miller: Cries out for a sweater and a guitar.

Guiding Text
The Varieties of Religious Experience

If They Were A Nirvana Album They Would Be...
Incesticide

LeBron on the Rockets
“It is not so, LeBron. We believe in the Copenhagen interpretation. Wave function collapse is necessary and proper. There is a possibility of many worlds until a particular outcome is observed and then we discard the possibilities. They don’t endure.The wave function only represents our knowledge of a given system. But what of Wigner’s friend, you will surely ask. And the answer is simple, the wave function is subjective as it models only our subjective knowledge and indeed beliefs. There is a distinction between reality and probability that is worth discussion here, but for now, let us simply say that probability is subjective and this is not a problem, because waveforms do collapse and all the unobserved possibilities cease to be valid in the actual world.”

“What do you mean?”

“It is consciousness that necessitates waveform collapse. And I know you will say Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen means that there’s a problem because you could have information traveling at faster than the speed of light, violating special relativity and thus causality, but you are taking for granted ‘local realism,’ and you just can’t demand it because it seems like a nice thing to be true. You have to acknowledge that there can be spooky movement at a distance and yet not necessarily violate causality by having faster than light information.”

“Must I? This doesn’t actually seem to mean anything.”

Yao shrugged. He turned and shot the ball. It went through the net with ease.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Golden State Warriors

2010-10-18T11:26:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, everyone's favorite irrepressible scamp, the Golden State Warriors

Classification
The Aftermath of Revolution

Why We Care
For years, Nelly ran the unique talents of far too many players in the ground. He shackled bright lights to the bench, and he started Corey Maggette and Stephen Jackson at power forward. Nelly was an icon and a genius, but in the last few years, it really seemed like he was playing out his end of a dare/bar bet that had to do with how much he could get away with before he got fired. Now, he is gone. The Warriors get to start over. Will they still be the high-octane, trigger happy scoundrels of days past? Almost certainly. Will it finally all make sense? Maybe. We put a lot of hope in that maybe.

Significant Beards
Charlie Bell: Goatee. Slightly diabolical. Beelzebaby.
Rodney Carney: Sloppy. Soul patch may be unintentional.
Dan Gadzuric: Unnatural stubble. Facial crop circles?
Brandan Wright: Either cleft goatee, or chin wings.
Dorell Wright: Like the rebel insignia. Nerd alert: high.

Guiding Text
Studies in Word Association

If They Were A Small Woodland Creature They Would Be...
Rabbit.

LeBron on the Warriors
LeBron watched the light come in through the window. It wavered, shifted. On the floor he watched the refractory patterns dance as the sunlight slowly dimmed. Eventually it was gone and they were left with nothing but the soft fluorescence of the cabin lights. LeBron looked around him. The cabin wasn’t private or even first class and so the ex-urban dads gawked with their wide-eyed sons. No one had asked for his autograph yet, but that was not too far off. He didn’t mind. The ride wasn’t that long and after all that had happened, taking the time for an autograph seemed like such a small thing.

Sometimes LeBron thought about his Hummer, the one he had gotten before he entered the draft. He thought about all the private planes, the ones the Cavaliers had, Sean’s plane, the ones he’d only been in once. It had seemed so important then to travel that way. He smiled. One of the littlest boys was getting a pen from his father. He looked a little like Bryce, his own son. The boy hesitated, still too shy to approach, his father trying to gently prod him. LeBron looked out the window. They were getting close. A school of fish flitted away revealing the landing dome and the landing port. LeBron looked back at the boy. He was heading towards him, slowly, tentatively. LeBron tried a welcoming smile.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Detroit Pistons

2010-10-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the Motor City Madmen, the Detroit Pistons.

Classification
A Struggle For Relevancy

Why We Care
The Pistons have been a dominant force in basketball for much of the past quarter-century. Only in recent times has this once great house fallen into total disarray. When Jonas Jerebko is the siver-lining on last year's season, the clouds most have been dark indeed. The Pistons are nearing their nadir... which means that their rise is coming. Or more darkness. In any case, the Pistons have some legitimately good players, a talented coach, and a history of success. It doesn't guarantee future success, but this team can't sink much further can it?

Significant Beards
Will Bynum: Tidy and discreet. 4 English butlers.
Austin Daye: Beardspiration: a funnel. Category 1 twister.
Ben Gordon: His inner beard was seared off. 2nd degree burn.
Richard Hamilton: Recently clean-shaven. Was told to leave his ferret at home on game days.
Jason Maxiell: Clean, strong lines, classic form. 16th century sculpture or 21st century icon?
Greg Monroe: Heavy shading on the sides; great effect for his cheekbones. Covergirl Challenge runner-up.
Tayshaun Prince: Slightly Lincoln-esque, but disappointing. 2nd act at Ford’s Theatre.
Rodney Stuckey: Crumb-catcher or double-chin-hider? Either way, 2 out of 10 Ho-Hos.
DaJuan Summers: Full beard. Too full. Suspicious.
Ben Wallace: Understated yet effective. Four solid stars.
Chris Wilcox: Lush, well-tended braids, yet scraggle patch beard. The side yard of his face.

Guiding Text
A Separate Peace

If They Were An MP3 Player They Would Be...
A Zune.

LeBron on the Pistons
Sun-Tzu explained a four-level hierarchy of targets in his famous book. The worst thing you could do while at war, he said, was to attack your enemies’ cities. Such assaults were costly and inevitably resulted in the loss of many lives. Upon his throne of bones, LeBron looked over the ruined city and grinned. Fires burned in the distance, barely visible through the smoky haze. The second-worst thing you could do was to attack your enemies’ armies. While not as futile and dangerous as attacking a walled city, the loss of life, the loss of strength, the potential for failure were all inevitable risks. For Sun-Tzu, the business of battle was a poor strategy for a war. The third-worst thing you could do, or rather, the second-best, was to attack your enemies’ alliances. And so he had. Power hadn’t been consolidated in the summer, but had been scattered. Piece-meal trades and draft-day desperation had fractured the familiar structures. Gasol had left L.A. and the Boston superteam was no more, just Pierce alone, history repeating.

LeBron smiled. The best thing you could do, Sun-Tzu had said, was to attack the most fragile of assets; to shatter it and deny to other’s it’s advantages. Sun Tzu taught that the best targets are the plans of your enemies. There is no better ally than surprise, no better advantage than a confused foe. LeBron lifted his skull chalice and poured a libation in honor of Detroit. The city kept burning.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Denver Nuggets

2010-10-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the terribly-named, yet-oh-so-delightful Denver Nuggets.

Classification
Exciting and Competitive Non-Contender

Why We Care
The Nuggets will almost certainly not win the championship this year. That said, this is a truly great team with an awesome assemblage of athletic talent. They play with energy, they feed off their fans, and on any given night they can beat any team on the league. Despite the hurt his name has taken in the off-season, Carmelo Anthony is one of the very best players in the NBA, and this may be the last chance we get to see him with the amazing supporting cast of this year's Nuggets. Enjoy the end of an era.

Significant Beards
Arron Afflalo: “I do not understand razors,” or “I am sixteen.”
Carmelo Anthony: Like how goats have a tuft on their chin, except terrible. Bottom of the food chain.
Renaldo Balkman: Rebuilt his chin out of beard.
Anthony Carter: Goatee and mustache meet to frame a perfect little circle under his lip. Euclid would be proud.
Melvin Ely: Mustache started dripping and pooled into a hair puddle suspended from his chin.
Nene Hilario: Vaguely architectural. A trellis?
Ty Lawson: Full scruff. Clint Eastwood approved.
Kenyon Martin: Full scraggle and goatee. A bad choice.
JR Smith: Beards shouldn't be smaller than eyebrows.
Sheldon Williams: Drawn on with Magic Marker, but he did stay within the lines. A gold star.

Guiding Text
Underworld

If They Were A Cloud They Would Be...
Cirrocumulus

LeBron on the Nuggets
The snow fell softly now, landing on the piles and drifts so quietly. If felt like the snowfall should have been louder, but there it was, quiet and inevitable. The bushy pines of summer gave way to the spears of winter, the branches pinned down under the weight of the snow, the tree itself looking more like a single stick. Sometimes, the weight of snow on one of the boughs would shift and all the accumulated snow would fall to the ground. The branch would then rise up from its pinned position, rise back to its summer height, a temporary victory before the snow would weigh down the branch again. It would soon be pinned back. Nothing inevitable but the snow.

Behind him, Chauncey took up the little slips of paper and put them all in a hat. The snow had been going for weeks now. Weeks? Maybe months. A long time. The snow had been coming down forever. There had been no signs from above the impenetrable grayness and once the flames from the wreck died then, there was no light but that sad dim fire they somehow managed to keep going. Chauncey was talking now. LeBron couldn’t hear. There had been little food on the plane and they hadn’t seen any animals anywhere in the forest. Giant muscled men, it had seemed particularly cruel to watch their own wasting. Kenyon looked ancient, a gaunt near-skeleton. Chauncey pulled out a name and he read it aloud. LeBron couldn’t hear it. Despite the quiet of the falling snow it was hard to hear anything. He could see though. He saw how they all turned and looked at him.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Dallas Mavericks

2010-10-17T10:49:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the perennial also-rans, the Dallas Mavericks.

Classification
Desperate Men Standing Against Time

Why We Care
The Mavericks have mattered all decade because of Dirk Nowitzki and the deep pockets of owner Mark Cuban. Dirk is getting older and the decline may have already begun. Mark Cuban is getting desperate. How many moves have the Mavericks made since this time last year? Many, and not insignificant ones. Desperation and a sense of urgency should drive this team to go all out this year, making big moves when needed, playing hard, and likely surprising people with their hunger. A bear backed into a corner is the most aggressive.

Significant Beards
José Juan Barea: Barely there. Insufficient data for scoring.
Tyson Chandler: Full yet flat. Scares off most predators.
Dominique Jones: Unnecessary under-chin face-trim. An MFA grad’s first novel.
Shawn Marion: A light patch framing the protruding rectangle that is his jaw. Subtle but disturbing.
Dirk Nowitzki: Like his skin has tufts. Creepy, and a near-crime. Written citation.
DeShawn Stevenson: Rugged, barely tamed. 4/5 hatchets.
Jason Terry: Odd and patchy fuzz. Either incapable of growing a full beard or so virile that he can’t stay clean-shaven for the length of a photoshoot. Inconclusive.

Guiding Text
Against Nature

If They Were A Vacuum Cleaner They Would Be...
A Dyson.

LeBron on the Mavericks
The man wouldn’t stop yelling. He was probably in his mid-twenties, obviously quite drunk and enjoying himself far too much. Some of LeBron’s entourage gave him questioning looks, but LeBron ignored them. If the man wanted to yell he could yell. It was warm, full blown Indian summer and lots of people wandered around the outdoor shopping center. Fake rocks played radio hits and families paid too much for ice cream and movies. The line at the Cheesecake Factory was interminable. Not that LeBron wanted in lines at the Cheesecake Factory. The man kept yelling. All the hits. Coward. Traitor. Loser.

The man was white, but they were in a suburban Dallas shopping center. This was not surprising. Men who yelled at him in suburban shopping centers were always white. LeBron turned and looked at him. He was a good thirty-forty feet away. He was keeping his distance. He was wearing a Cavaliers hat. Which was fine. Sometimes they wore Lakers hats and the things they yelled were meaner, but easier to ignore. He kept walking, didn’t make eye contact with the man, but he listened.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Cleveland Cavaliers

2010-10-16T12:18:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the sadtown sadsters, the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Classification
Greek Tragedy

Why We Care
We might not like staring at the aftermath of a particularly gruesome car wreck, but we all do.

Significant Beards
Daniel Gibson: Cradles his chin like a cup. Minimal support.
Joey Graham: Scraggly, craggy beard. Keep far away.
Danny Green: Narrow and strangely curved, like he has a second smile. That means we’re averaging one each.
Ryan Hollins: Missed a spot while shaving. Repeatedly.
Jamario Moon: Waxing under-chin crescent. Heavy cloud cover with limited visibility.
Leon Powell: Shadow Beard plus triangle soul patch. 1-up.
Ramon Sessions: Square-outline beard. Either his chin is a box or he’s created a cunning illusion. Well-framed.
Anderson Varejao: Beardless and suffering. In need of a beard transplant. His scalp can be the donor.
Jawad Williams: Like he used to have a box-top but it fell off his head and onto his chin.

Guiding Text
Hatchet

If They Were A Piece of Living Room Furniture They Would Be...
An ottoman.

LeBron on the Cavaliers
Another year. They would be better, they had to be better, they were always getting better. He was getting better. He would stand tall, as he always had, and this would be the year. He trembled. How many times had he said that? How many times had he heard it? When would it be true? These things take time. These things take time. It took Jordan seven years, why should it take LeBron James any less? He stayed and that’s what mattered. Loyalty? Loyalty.

His hands shook. He would win, eventually. It was inevitable. He was Chosen. That was the point. This was all according to plan. The team would get better, he would get better, and they would win. Manifest destiny. They would trade up, they would improve, someone else would break out. It would happen, it has to happen. It was written and so it shall it come to pass. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Chicago Bulls

2010-10-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the angry bovines in the proverbial china shop: the Chicago Bulls.

Classification
Dark Horse Contenders

Why We Care
This could be one of the very best teams in basketball next year, and somehow, no one is talking about it. Some would argue that these young guns are more Hawks than Thunder, but they are really more mushrooms than onions, if you know what I mean. No? Okay, well that's fine too. The Bulls are going to be very good and they will matter and that's that.

Significant Beards
Keith Bogans: Minimal goatee. Frank Stella approved.
Carlos Boozer: Tightly trimmed, near full. A+.
Joakim Noah: Notoriously patchy semi-full. Nickname-worthy.
Derrick Rose: Small mustache, divided goatee. Slight fright.
Brian Scalabrine: Ginger goatee. WHY?
Kurt Thomas: Goatee. Prehistoric, 3/5 trilobites.

Guiding Text
The Epic of Gilgamesh

If They Were A Vegetable They Would Be...
Summer squash.

LeBron on the Bulls
LeBron looked at the statue for a long time. Derrick walked by and stopped. LeBron crossed his arms. Derrick was about to speak, but LeBron shot a look at him. They stared at the statue in silence. It wasn’t long before the others started coming. Luol and Kyle came in, talking quietly, but they stopped and took up the study. Joakim called out to them, but no one answered. He walked past, indignant. He soon came back, Taj and some of the others following. He was about to speak, but Derrick put a hand on his arm. Tom watched the huddle of players from the distance. He gave them five minutes, waiting for their attention to shift, but no one moved. He hesitated.

“What shall we do LeBron?”

“You shall not make for yourself a graven image.”

“I’m sorry. Or else, what?”

“I will destroy your high places and cut down your incense altars; I will heap your carcasses on the carcasses of your idols. I shall abhor you.”

They were silent. Tom looked at the expressions of the men before him. Derrick nodded.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Charlotte Bobcats

2010-10-15T20:52:00.000-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the pride of Mecklenburg County, the Charlotte Mikecats.

Classification
Odd Team That You Should Check In On

Why We Care
The Bobcats have assembled a fine collection of extraordinary athletes and reclamation projects, with Gerald Wallace and Tyrus Thomas leading Camp A, and Shaun Livingston, Darius Miles, Javaris Crittenton and Kwame Brown leading Camp B. This is a gutsy team. They try hard, they play tough, and they struggle to score. You should watch them because their mediocrity is more about being on the fringe than being on the margins.

Significant Beards
D.J. Augustin: "My jaw is so rugged that it casts a hair shadow.”
Derrick Brown: Sculpted, but looks like a puddle. Failure.
Kwame Brown: Unambitious, hiding a double chin. D.
Sherron Collins: Another Shadow Beard. Sloppy and big.
Javaris Crittenton: Pubescently thin. Time to shave.
Boris Diaw: Kind of pubic. C-
Gerald Henderson: Too narrow. Some sort of food stain.
Shaun Livingston: Baby’s first goatee. Half cup of cheerios.
Dominic McGuire: Thin but competent. A book of contemporary poetry.
Darius Miles: Uneven but ambitious. Oliver Stone.
Thomas Tyrus: Under-chin fuzz, possibly intentional. Two thumbs down.
Gerald Wallace: Unremarkable goatee. After the curve, B+.

Guiding Text
Tender Buttons

If They Were A Board Game They Would Be
Chinese checkers.

LeBron on the Bobcats
“First, acknowledge that essentially a rebound and a block are the same thing: a well-timed leap. Now, reduce the leap to a simple taxonomy: successful and unsuccessful. Once you have done that, the key to success is to internalize and accept a number of principles. First, a failure to leap successfully is an instantaneous death. Second, the success of your leap is tied to the spin value of a random proton. Internalize that and make it your reality. Once it happens, you can never fail. Because your consciousness will abruptly cease in any world where you fail, from your point of view, in the world you inhabit it, you will never witness yourself fail. Quantum immortality.”

“But, Gerald, this means that in most of the relevant worlds, everyone sees you die when you fail. In most of these worlds people just see you die. What’s the point if you fail most of the time?”

“Does a world where you have no conscious presence even count as a world? I can only experience the worlds where I succeed. The others, simply don’t exist for me. You can’t be troubled by all possible worlds.For years I was concerned about such things, but it was meaningless without consciousness. That is how I block. That is how I rebound. That is how I built the pyramids. They did not build themselves.”

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Boston Celtics

2010-10-15T20:37:00.002-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, your cranky grandpas who keep on balling: the Boston Celtics.

Classification
Superstar-Loaded Team One Bad Step Away From Disintegration

Why We Care
How many Hall of Famers do you think are on this team? How many catastrophes in waiting are on this team? Aging superstars, volatile youngsters (and oldsters), and one bad practice fall away from total disaster, the Celtics are the Bad News Bears if the Bad News Bears were never underdogs.

Significant Beards
Ray Allen: Micro-goatee. Consistent. 40% from 3.
Marquis Daniels: Mustache on chin. PG-13.
Kevin Garnett: Hitler on chin. NC-17.
Shaq: Goatee. Satishaqtory.
Kendrick Perkins: Coffee-house goatee. Bongos and snaps.
Paul Pierce: The "Paul Pierce". Pentagon declines comment.
Nate Robinson: Neck-goatee. Duly noted.
Delonte West: Trimmed, red, goatee. 2 out of 3 loaded guns.

Guiding Text
Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood

If They Were A John Hughes Movie They Would Be...
The Breakfast Club

LeBron on the Celtics
It was chilly, but they were all there. Not just the current guys, but the ring of honor guys. The older guys and the just plain old ones all walked to the bridge with him. “Tradition.” That was the only word he’d heard all summer. That and “coward.” No one called Kevin that when he came, but no one dared to call Kevin anything. Did you know that if you go to a team because you’d have better teammates there, you are a coward? It’s true. If you make the teammates come to you, you are a hero. But if you go, you are a coward. When LeBron came to Boston, he was a coward, because somehow, by wanting so badly to have great teammates and win more, he had demonstrated that he didn’t want to win more. It was something like that. Sometimes the argument seemed to flip and losing was somehow ennobling. To win for a new team is mercenary, but to lose for one team your entire career is saint-worthy. Didn’t matter here.

Boston had a tradition of mercenary saints. In Boston, your past can be forgiven if you embrace their past. Kevin was a lunatic in the wilderness, but now, he’s a proud keeper of the sacred traditions. He screamed now and the others just laughed with joy. His directions were angry, solemn. All the other new Celtics went first, and LeBron took the deference graciously. He watched Shaq make the toss with surprising ease, while Jermaine stumbled. Semih hesitated a bit, unsure if this was was really happening, afraid he’d misunderstoond, but Harangody heaved with vigor. When it came his turn, LeBron tried to be as quick as he could without being rude. He tossed the screaming man into the Charles River and turned to walk away. Bill Russel’s face was still and stony, but Larry Bird beamed.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Season Preview: Atlanta Hawks

2010-10-15T19:53:00.003-04:00

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know the rules. First up: the dirtiest birds, the Atlanta Hawks

Classification
Team That Should Be More Exciting Than It Is

Why We Care
The promise of Josh Smith can't be ignored, Al Horford is a joy to watch play and you may think Joe Johnson is overpaid and overrated, but there aren't ten basketball players in the entire world who can bring what he brings to the table. The Hawks should be exciting. We care because one day they might be.

Significant Beards
Evan Brock: Terrible goatee. Shave that. Also, who are you?
Jason Collins: Goatee. Weak.
Al Horford: Yet another stubbly goatee. What is it with this team?
Joe Johnson: Potential for the sweetest mustache in all of pro-basketball. Incomplete.
Zaza Pachulia: No beard. However, this.
Josh Powell: Stubbly goatee. 2 out 5 deja vu's.
Josh Smith: Goatee. Acceptable point five.
Jeff Teague: UPDATE: 'Stache gone. VERDICT: Improvement.
Etan Thomas: Goatee. A Goatee America Can Love.
Marvin Williams: Mustache. 3 stars.

Guiding Text
Waiting for Lefty

If They Were A Pokemon They Would Be...
Machamp

LeBron on the Hawks
Leaves lazily floated across the water’s surface. Leaves, pine needles, bugs and dust. Sand and some of the heavier bits had already sunk to the bottom. It had been a while since anyone had used the pool. A month or two. Summer turns to fall quick, though, apparently fall was interminable. Sharp jabs of winter would punch through eventually, but for the most part the weather would stay in that uncomfortable middle ground. The mornings where cool, even cold and he’d pack a sweater, but in the afternoon he’d be sweaty, awkward in the cardigan. There is something to be said for a more-defined fall.

On the other hand, it was mid-October, and, conceivably, he could still use the pool. That was nice. He skimmed the leaves and grime off the top with the net. He saw a couple of feathers floating on the surface. Dark feathers. From ducks? Ducks or geese. Were they just stopping through? Did they start here and go to the tropics or did they start in Canada with the purpose of ultimately ending here, floating atop Lake LeBron. He supposed he’d see them fly back North in a few months. Do ducks fly in formation or is that just geese? LeBron skimmed some more feathers off the pool. He wondered how much of the year birds spent migrating.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

2010 Previews

2010-10-14T21:55:00.000-04:00

Hello, dear friends. It's been some time since I've been blogging, but it's been some time since the end of the NBA season. The hiatus ends now. What am I saying? Team previews, my friend. And this year, I might even make it through all thirty teams. In any case, I wanted to explain the format of the previews and answer all your questions ahead of time.

Each preview will start off with a brief synopsis of who the team is and why we care and then segue into the questions you care about: What kind of beards are they packing? What text guides the spirit of this team? What kind of analogy would it take to explain this team? What would it be like if LeBron had chosen this team? What is the decoding "Rosetta Stone" that lays bare all the mysteries that this team has to offer?

I promise this and more. Or maybe less. Depends on how long it takes. In any event: Stay Tuned.

Free Rashad, ETO, and the Works

2010-08-19T01:55:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that I am a big fan of FreeDarko, and if you are reading this site, I assume you are too. If for some reason you aren't a FreeDarko fan, it's well past time that you start reading the site. So do that.

I bring this up because FreeDarko has recently been running some sensational guest columns by Jay Caspian Kang and one of them, in particular, touched my heart because it was about Rashad McCants, who I wrote a lot about, almost exactly one year ago. That entry was spurred by Rashad's very public musings about his inability to get signed by an NBA team. After a year outside the league, Rashad finds himself in a similar position once again, only this time his plight is even more publically highlighted by an in-depth ESPN magazine article entitled "Born to be hated, and dying to be loved." Jay wrote an entry that was part-response to that piece and part-manifesto, and thus Free Rashad was born. It's my favorite writing about basketball right now, each entry a different approach to the questions raised by Rashad McCants and an expansion on what those questions mean. It's about taking all the signifiers that are pointed at McCants. exploding them out and trying to diagram them. It's examining a big chunk of "what we talk about when we talk about sports" by looking at a subset of issues related to a single player and for all that I'm saying it's actually twice as clever and more thoughtful than that. Even if you don't quite buy that as a great premise, just take my word for it and give it a read will you?

In related, other-places-to-read-FreeDarko-writers news, you can read a really great daily column with Bethlehem Shoals and Tom Ziller at Fanhouse. They are calling it "The Works," and until games start, I can't think of a better daily column to be reading. Also, with the tragic demise of The Baseline, the best place to find Eric Freeman writing about basketball is at his new blog, Early Termination Option.

Hopefully, there will eventually be more stuff for you to read here, but until then, the FD dudes got you covered.

More Offseason NBA Kickball News

2010-08-17T01:03:00.000-04:00

I thought Channing Frye's beer garden would make his kickball tournament the premiere off-season NBA sporting event, but I was wrong. I underestimated Baron Davis, and I should know better (I love you, Baron).

Channing Frye may have had beer at his tournament, but Baron Davis had Jessica Alba at his.

For those keeping score at home: Deron Williams, Kyle Korver, and Ron Artest play dodgeball, but Channing Frye, Baron Davis, Tayshaun Prince, Matt Barnes, and Jessica Alba play kickball. Just saying.

Consider Shaq's Music Videos

2010-08-10T11:33:00.000-04:00

So here’s the thing about Shaq: He is interesting. He does lots of things. Most of them don’t really relate to basketball all that much, but as that is kind of the purview of the blog, Shaq is going to be a topic of frequent discussion at Love in the Time of LeBron, even if that discussion is basically just, “Isn’t it weird how Shaq hangs out with young, male, teenage pop stars?” The point is that I mostly really like Shaq and enjoy talking about his hobbies and side projects. It’s basically, pretty much like this.

In any case, I thought that we could take some time to get to know Shaq’s work a little better. Specifically the hip-hop singles, and even more specifically, the music videos. While it’s tempting to dismiss his rap career as inconsequential and his musical output as the equivalent to vanity publishing, it’s not fair and not true. Shaq is not Ron Artest. His first album, Shaq Diesel, went platinum. The second, Shaq Fu, went gold. His singles consistently charted and all four of his released albums were released on a major label. Shaq, as a rapper, seems like he should be a mere footnote, but his commercial impact is undeniable. For comparison, Shaq’s success with singles on the U.S. Rap chart is comparable to, and arguably better than, a hip hop luminary like Ghostface Killah. Shaq’s rap career, somehow, kind of matters. So if I’ve succeeded in persuading you, let’s move on to some goofy-ass shit.

What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)

This is actually a Fu-Schnickens song and video and not a Shaquille O’Neal single, but it’s important, because it’s the first time we get a taste, albeit a very small one of Shaq’s rapping abilities. Released in 1993, this song was a fairly cynical attempt to salvage a song based around a Bugs Bunny sample that Fu-Shnickens couldn’t get clearance for. Instead, Fu-Schnickens decided to actively seek out Shaq, who had listed the group as his favorite hip hop artists. Shaq was happy to contribute a sort-of verse tacked onto the end of the song, say, “What’s up doc?” in lieu of Bugs Bunny, and appear in the video. The verse is a short, so-so affair which includes a number of regrettable boasts such as “Forget Tony Danza; I’m the boss,” a few nonsensical words rhymed together, and a nice little slam on Christian Laettner for failing to be the number one pick in the 1992 NBA draft. The video is a kinetic affair, featuring a lot of movement, probably over-animated word art, and Shaq hopping up and down while wearing a giant vest. It sounds deeply silly but it was a big hit, a Top 40 smash, and the most-famous Fu-Schnickens would ever be, which is a shame, because it’s actually kind of an awesome song even if it is by a group called “Fu-Schnickens.”

(I Know I Got) Skillz

The first Shaq single! It’s off of Shaq Diesel and was his highest charting success, reaching the third spot on the U.S. rap charts. The video is a fairly simple affair, featuring a smoking tractor trailer slowly backing up until Shaq bursts out, jumping onto a giant logo of his name and rapping to the assembled street party. Shaq is wearing what appears to be, again, one very large vest. Occasionally the music video is intercut with shots of Shaq walking down a different street during the day wearing a different vest. The rap itself is a standard braggadocio-ridden, ranting answer to the question, “Could Shaquille O’Neal possibly be any good at rapping?” And Shaq, in his rapping answer, wants to assure you that, while you may not know yet, he certainly knows that he posses the requisite skills. Here is a sampling of said skills:

“You better than Shaq-tack? Fool! Shut up, liar
I lean on the Statue of Liberty when I get tired
Then I’ll punch you in the stomach, I don’t give a heck”

He certainly doesn’t. This song also features Def Jef, who, according to Wikipedia (which I checked because I have never heard of Def Jef) apparently used to write criticially-acclaimed sociopolitical lyrics. More recently, however, he wrote the theme song to That’s So Raven. That’s so Def Jef, I guess.

I’m Outstanding

From the name, you might think that this song is mostly boasting in the same vein as “Skillz,” but it's much closer to a biography, loosely describing Shaq’s experience growing up. Instead of a gripping tale of danger, brutal poverty and the temptation of the streets, we instead get the story of a poor family, headed up by very loving and supportive parents who helped Shaq stay motivated to succeed in basketball. There is little to no conflict and honestly, it plays more like a Newark, NJ version of “Coal Miner’s Daughter” than anything else:

“Times are hard, times are rough
Didn't have Toys R Us toys, but I had enough love
Plus the guidance from above
To go to the park, sweatin' push and shove”

In general, though the story is kind of boring, the flow is more inspired than “Skillz.” The song also features a rad beat, probably the only hip-hop references to Dennis Scott and Nick Anderson ever, and a video that’s passable except for a regrettable over-use of green-screen effects: instead of showing Shaq rapping at a variety of fairly bleak Newark locales, they have instead filmed these locations and then used a green screen to super-impose Shaq. At some points, this effect is used to make Shaq seem even bigger than normal, stomping down the streets like some kind of New Jersey Godzilla, but most of the time, it just seems like Shaq just didn’t have the time to film on location. No better way to celebrate where you are from than to refuse to actually go back . Which is a shame, because some of the footage from Newark is really lovely in a bitterly-beautiful-urban-decay kind of way.

Shoot Pass Slam

The third single, from Shaq Diesel, this track holds the distinction of being the least successful of any single that Shaq released, and watching the video you come to understand that the governing principle behind this single was laziness. The video actually manages to include no newly filmed footage, but rather recycles a blend of footage from “Skillz,” NBA highlights, and a one minute Reebok commercial that features the song and alternates between Shaq wearing a vest and a jersey (dude, just hates sleeves, maybe?). The effect isn’t too bad, but when most of the non-NBA footage comes from a shoe commercial and an old video, you are in totally laughable territory. Shaq tried to make up for it by releasing a average and marginally acceptable video of a live performance of “Shoot Pass Slam” that is also intercut with some NBA highlights, which is totally acceptable since young Shaq is awfully impressive, basketball-wise. His rhyming? Less so.

The song is based on a simple premise: If Mr. O’Neal is given the ball would you prefer for him to shoot, pass, or slam the ball? Shaq knows his limitations and agrees with your assessmentL he would be happy to slam the ball for you. The rest of the verses are, much like the video, kind of a retread of “Skillz,” where Shaq spends most of his time boasting and describing how great a basketball player he is, mixed in with playful, Method Man-esque nonsense words and nursery rhyme riffing. Overall it’s not bad, and I prefer Shaq bragging about his basketball skill than Shaq bragging about his rapping skills (though he does that too). There’s also a lot of unneccesary pop-culture references, but hey, it’s hip hop: those are allowed.

“I’m a rookie. Clint Eastwood. Martin Sheen.
AHHHHH! Leave me alone. I’m turning green.”

Biological Didn’t Bother

The first single off of Shaq Fu: Da Return, this song is, as the title suggests, a song that deals with Shaq’s abandonment by his biological father. However, instead of being about his biological father, most of the song is about Shaq’s relationship with his step-dad. It’s actually all pretty sweet, filled with admiration, memories of good times, and even a knowing and wise perspective on conflict between young Shaq and wise Phil. In this regard, it’s very much the sequel to “Outstanding” in terms of tone and content. Of course, underneath the verses there is an undeniably bitter and angry tone, most evident in the pointed chorus (“He took me from a boy to a man so Phil is my father, cause my biological didn't bother.”) and the final verse, which closes:

“He ain’t gettin’ no check from me (check it)
He can go on all the talk shows he want
Phil is my dad so don’t even front.”

Yikes. I hate to say this, since Shaq clearly is wearing his heart on his sleeve with this song, but, as earnest as the song is, it’s not very good. The slower rhymes and narrative-approach prevent him from engaging in any free-association word play and the subject of the song stops him from playing to his main strength: bragging about how great Shaq is. The beat is a bit of unremarkable mid-90’s G-funk and the video is pretty forgettable unless you just love literal interpretations of the scenes described in the song and shots of Shaq in a windbreaker driving around in a convertible with his step-dad.

No Hook

This is a Wu-Tang joint, make no respect. Produced by the RZA, and featuring rhymes by RZA and Method Man, Shaq’s contribution in the middle verse makes him seem an interloper in his own song. That said, Shaq does a good job of blending in: freed from the constraints of making sense and allowed to run wild with free-association, he fits in well with the Wu-Tang sensibility and his work on the track is pretty comparable to the phoned-in rhymes of Method Man and RZA.

“Always & forever, forever always attack,
I bring flava to ya ear; like Craig Mack.
Life's a B and then you D, refer to Nasty Nas Illmatic;
CD, #3 Static.
You don't want none, you best to keep lookin',
A-E-I-O-U's an ass-whoopin’”

All-in-all, a great Shaq track and a mediocre Wu-Tang one. The video is also pretty excellent, again feeding more into the Wu-Tang aesthetic than anything that’s identifiably consistent with Shaq’s work. The video is a murky mix of dark industrial settings and close-ups in high contrast black and white, cutting and fading quickly into each other for an impressionistic look at what appears to be the three protagonists inside a meat packing warehouse, where, ironically, they are surrounded by literal hooks, which hang, sinisterly from the ceiling. Also, for no real reason, since the song contains the RZA line, “Gold nugget fangs punch holes inside your jugular,” they are all wearing gold grills that feature bizarre vampire fangs. It’s totally weird, but I’m not going to lie, sinister giant gangster vampire is a good look for Shaq.

You Can’t Stop the Reign

"You Can’t Stop the Reign" is the first single from the album of the same name. The album version of this song features a few verses from none other than the Notorious B.I.G. However, in a move that should probably be considered “fucking stupid,” the video version omits the Biggie verses in favor of Shaq. I mean, it makes sense: why would you want to include one of the greatest living rappers at the peak of his powers when you could have more Shaq? In any case, though Biggie may be excised from the single, his influence is felt anyway: the song feels like a Biggie song, with it’s slinky grooves and languid beats referencing “Big Papa” pretty heavily. Likewise, the song is preoccupied with the mafioso, kingpin thematics that dominated rap of the day, largely as a result of Biggie’s influence. The video takes its cues from Shaq’s story about the T.W.is.M. (“The World is Mine”) “family” and his rhymes about the high-rolling life-style. Well, sort of.

This video features a series of bizarre and elaborate scenes with Shaq as mafioso don, Shaq as commander in some sort of high-tech bunker, and finally Shaq as Enrico Gates, who has glowing red eyes and who the video thoughtfully denotes as “Evil Shaq.” All of this is fairly standard fare for the time and evil alter egos are a dime a dozen in hip hop, but the video really takes a turn when mafioso Shaq confronts Enrico Gates at a T.W.is.M. family board meeting. While Shaq is happy to present Enrico with a mysterious briefcase, Enrico is less happy to find that the briefcase is filled with You Can’t Stop the Reign CDs. I know; I’d be furious too. So then, ninjas burst through the windows a ong with a muscled henchman who is wielding some kind of net launcher. Gates’ minions try to net Shaq and his entourage and are largely successful.

Then, shit gets weird: Shaq reveals his Wolverine-esque metal claws that shoot out of his knuckles and uses them to free himself from the net. Shaq then tries to escape the increasing escalation of forces that are being sent after him. While Gates is originally content to send a few motorcycles and helicopters after Shaq, this quickly and absurdly escalates as an entire airforce worth of helicopters, jets, and flying saucers pursue Shaq, who abruptly stops the chase for an old-timey newspaper photo shoot before resuming his escape. Then, as Shaq is escaping, the twist is revealed via a freeze frame and the text suddenly appearing on the screen: GAME OVER. The whole thing was a video game! The camera reveals a happy youngster who was playing this game. Well-played, Shaq.

Okay, so it’s a stupid twist, but I admire the fact that this video tries to do something beyond merely illustrating the lyrics or showing Shaq performing. Likewise, the song itself is probably the best-crafted of all of Shaq’s singles for what that’s worth, and as far as the beats go, “sounds like a Biggie song” isn’t a bad diagnosis. Not a great song, but pretty good, particularly for Shaq.

Strait Playin

Honestly, any follow up to “You Can’t Stop The Reign” was bound to be disappointing, but this seems particularly lame. A bland, milquetoast bragging track about Shaq’s skills as a basketball player, rapper, and partier, this track has more in common with “Skillz” than any of his more recent work. The beat, produced by DJ Quik, lazily references the West Coast sound (auto-tune, bouncy drums) as the lyrics loosely reference Shaq’s trade to the L.A. Lakers. This is the most generic sounding of Shaq’s singles and it just doesn’t offer much lyrically. Sadly, neither does the video: just the mid-90s standards of wide-angle lenses, crews driving in cars, and pretty girls partying and dancing. There are a few highlights: one of the girls dancing in the bathroom (yeah, I know), pulls out a green-feathered boa from the toilet and begins dancing with it. Feathered boas in a few different colors appear throughout the video (it is the era of Clueless), but only one is pulled out of a toilet. Oh, and for some reason, DJ Quik is just chilling with an albino Burmese python around his neck for the last half of the video. So there’s that.

Men of Steel

Of course, aside from being a rapper and basketball player, Shaq is also a world-class film actor. You knew that right? Well, in his follow-up to Kazaam, Shaq chose a project based on comic book hero Steel. Of course, Shaq couldn’t just star in the movie, he had to be on the soundtrack and merely including “Strait Playin’” was not enough. Thus, the Steel-themed posse track “Men of Steel” was born. Featuring Ice Cube, KRS-One, B-Real, Peter Gunz (who also appears on “Strait Playin’”), and, of course, Mr. O’Neal, the track is kind of banging. Freed of any lyrical constraints except the general theme of being Men of Steel, the rappers are free to let loose with free-association bragging about how steely they are. Fortunately, this tack plays to Shaq’s strengths and the single-verse limit gives him fewer spots to slip up.

“The best thing since grits & fake tits
Man Of Steel who you with?
I'm so fly when I walk I levitate
My caliber's first rate. Exceptional; above great.”

The beats are nice and the video keeps it simple: the posse standing around a foundry, filled with molten metal and sparks. Not exactly inspired, but not totally stupid which we are going to count as a win. Shaq elects to go with a jeans, tank-top and sun glasses look that actually makes him look like a massively muscled bad-ass. Was it so hard to stop with the vests?

The Way It’s Going Down

This single features the same crew who did “Strait Playin’,” which understandably sank my heart. Fortunately, though DJ Quik uses the same elements he used in “Strait Playin’” but gets a much stronger effect. Likewise, Peter Gunz officially cements his status as Shaq’s sidekick by appearing in three Shaq singles in a row, a fact that he seems to be pretty proud of, considering his boast, “Now me and Shaq is like Batman and Robin,” which is totally true if we are talking the George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell incarnations. Shaq’s rapping is inoffensive to the point of self-parody when he admonishes Peter Gunz:

“Yo, just rock your roll, dog
And kill 'em wit silence
You never get nowhere using violence “

So true, Shaq. Aside from that, the lyrics are a potpourri of leftovers from “You Can’t Stop the Reign” and “Strait Playin’,” which means that there are a lot of empty lines about how great it is to be rich. Nothing to write home about. The video, likewise, is kind of bland, though it features quite a few stupid cameos, namely Oscar de la Hoya, Steven Segal, and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. It truly was 1998.

Connected

This was the first and only single off of Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends Vol. 1 an album that was scheduled to be released September 11, 2001. As you might imagine, that didn’t happen. The album was delayed and then ultimately scrapped, the terrorists winning that round. Fortunately for us patriots, this single was released anyway. Featuring WC and Nate Dogg, this track seems markedly different from any of the other singles Shaq had released up to this point. The difference all seems to be confidence. In the span between “The Way It’s Going Down” and “Connected,” Shaq had led the Lakers to two consecutive NBA titles and claimed two NBA Finals MVP trophies for himself, which, of course, served as nice bookends for his regular season MVP he won in 2000. In the post-Jordan void, Shaq began to actually live up to the boasts he’d been making for the better part of the decade. When your swagger is indisputable, it changes you. The more confident Shaq of “Connected” rhymes effortlessly and projects a grown-man’s menace that young Shaq never could muster. When he says, “I am the future of the game, ain’t no stopping this,” in 2000, we believe him.

Strong contributions from WC and Nate Dogg help this single stand out, though the video does no such favors, serving up a bland melange of party scenes in the standard hip hop idiom. A nice prologue sequence of Shaq angrily dunking on a basket on an empty court is the best that the video offers. However, despite the video, the song is largely a success, and it’s a nice snapshot of Shaq at his most dominant, both on and off the court. It’s too bad that his difficulties with Kobe would shorten his unstoppable reign (Wade renaissance aside), because the two other singles that were planned from Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends Vol. 1 were kind of.... good. “In the Sun” shows Shaq complementing Common and Black Thought rather nicely on the ?uestlove produced track, while "Do it Faster" offers maybe the best flow I’ve heard from Shaq, albeit in the service of a raunchy Trina-hooked, Twista-versed lyrical sex romp. It’s times like these when you really appreciate how much we lost in 9/11.

Epilogue
While there are indisputably better rappers in the world, there are many successful rappers who are a whole lot worse than Shaquille O’Neal. He’s too talented to dismiss as a mere novelty, and he certainly showed off his chameleon’s gift to change his flow to match a given sound, capable of approximating distinct styles with ease. This versatility is cool because it let’s his body of singles stand in as a compressed history of the major currents of hip hop in the nineties, with representatives of G-funk, mafioso rap, the sparse Wu-Tang sound, and the “jiggy” style among others all co-existing in Shaq’s discography. In this way, Shaq serves as an over-sized, goofy, admittedly, mostly mediocre Rosetta Stone of nineties hip hop.

But, what does Shaq’s rap career mean? Let’s take him at face value. Shaq’s not laying down long-winded, gritty street narratives and his stepdad-loving, mom-respecting, hardworking-but-well-behaved side rises to the top far too often to give those narratives much credibility. At heart Shaq is a goody-goody with a cornball sense of humor, and no matter how clever he gets at talking tough, he probably shares more with Justin Bieber and Aaron Carter than he does with B-Real or Method Man. What does Shaq think of Shaq? Well, with a wink and a smile, he thinks he’s awesome. Who are we to disagree?

Shaq and Bieber Deja Vu

2010-08-06T20:09:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, I wondered who was the most Wu-Tang player in the NBA, and had to ultimately acknowledge that it couldn't be anyone but Shaquille O'Neal. Lots of things tilt the scales in his favor, but the one thing that's impossible to argue with is a rap single featuring RZA and Method Man. Checkmate.

Of course, Shaq is full of contradictions, and the Big Everything has loved nothing more than appearing in every music video he can, regardless of genre, style, or well, regardless of anything. This, totally obviously, led to Shaq inexplicable witnessing the rapture in an Owl City music video.

So now, there is this and well, this. Shaq and boy-wonder Justin Bieber are now, apparently, BFFs, a sacred bond consecrated by their serenading and dancing. And that's all well and good, but it gave me a really weird sense of deja vu.

It's because we have seen Shaq as BFF's with a young teenage pop star before. Search the recesses of your mind and summon forth the memory of Aaron Carter and Shaq's friendship. It was weird then, but it made a little more sense in that Aaron Carter (or I guess his handlers) had written a whole song about he beat Shaq, so I guess they had to meet to at least make the incredible video?

Right. Totally average stuff. And it's really normal that for the second time in his career, Shaq is spending his spare time hanging out with really young teenage boy pop stars. Nope, not weird at all. Also, totally Wu-Tang. Totally.

Ty Lawson Needs to Make Sure He Logs Out of Twitter

2010-08-05T00:22:00.001-04:00

Ty Lawson is one of my favorite basketball players. Incredible at Carolina, his rookie season in the NBA promised even greater things to come. The other reason I like Ty? Dude's really funny. Unfortunately for him, his boys like a good joke every now and then too, even if that joke mostly consists of using Ty's Twitter to post a lot about how much he loves man-meat. Repeatedly. Unendingly. There's still no end in sight to the posts on his Twitter, but for posterity's sake, I've saved some of the first ones:

Oh, man-meat jokes.

UPDATE: Apparently, Ty didn't like what was posted and deleted it. Good thing we can remember it forever here.

Here is where you can find me talk about Juwan Howard (allegedly) giving people herpes twice. Here is where I watched The Decision with my drunk girlfriend who enjoys cracking wise. Here is where I gave out some fake bloggy awards to players.

Dr. Pepper, Sunglasses, and Herpes

2010-08-04T23:59:00.002-04:00

You remember that time about a year ago when I pointed out that weird thing where former Virginia Tech stand out A.D. Vassallo was desperately asking every basketball player he could find on Twitter about what to do since he went undrafted? Of course you do! Who could forget?

Well, did you ever wonder what happened to him? It doesn't matter! I'm telling you anyway! Don't worry; it's a happy ending. Last season, Vassallo was great for Paris-Levallois where he was fourth in the French league in scoring with 17.7 points per game. He also put together some pretty respectable all-round stats, while shooting the ball damn well. He led his team to the play-offs and basically played himself into the Euroleague by earning a spot on ASVEL Villeurbanne, which was apparently the once and future crown jewel of French club basketball these days. Tony Parker owns 20%! So, well done A.D. Vassallo, I'm glad your Twitter desperation turned out okay for you!

The real question: Why was I so curious about A.D. Vassallo's fate? Well, it's because I learned something silly about him and I had to share it with you: According to ShamSports, A.D. Vassallo was arrested during college for shoplifting a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper. Wow. This is beyond hilarious.

This brings me to the main point: ShamSports is amazing! I found that fun factoid about Mr. Vassallo while perusing a page dedicated to tracking the legal troubles of all the players in or on the fringe of the NBA. It is comprehensive and totally great. Check it out! So far, my favorite entry has to be Juwan Howard's page, which details how he was accused of stealing a pair of expensive sunglasses as well as knowingly spreading genital herpes. Twice. That's the kind of thing you'd only expect out of a dude like Troy Murphy.

I had always relied on ShamSports for the amazingly detailed salary information, but I had overlooked all the oddball stuff like the criminal histories page. I will not make that mistake again. It is a special delight for the obsessive compulsive freak-show fan to go through every team salary page and check the mouse-over of ever single player's name in case there is a hilarious hidden joke about said player's contract. Even better are the player cards for each and every NBA player and fringe prospect which feature lots of useful information and then an anagram of the player's name. Example: A.D. Vassallo = "Oval salads".

I know this sounds stupid, but anagrams are the best. As a reference, it's indisputably one of the very best basketball sites there is and the writing on the blog is sweet, sweet heroin to the overzealous basketball fan. It's a great place to find out what happened to players like (completely pulled-out-of-the-air example here) A.D. Vassallo. In these slow days of early August, ShamSports is a lifesaver to idiot obsessives who want to know more about Beno Udrih's brother and what the hell is up with Nene's contract. So, long story short, this one's for you, idiot obsessives, fans of anagrams, and people who like to steal Dr. Pepper.

If you are less interested in stealing Dr. Pepper and more interested in how Channing Frye spent his off-season, click here. Likewise, if you are less interested in anagrams and more interested in my drunk girlfriend's reactions to The Decision, you can click here. If you'd rather have my drunk girlfriend's reaction to the NBA Draft, that is here. If you want serious and trenchant analysis... well, it's a big Internet.

The Worst: Hipsters in Basketball Jerseys

2010-08-04T00:48:00.000-04:00

I liked it when it was just this thing, but hate it now that it's come to this other thing. Unsurprisingly, it's pretty obvious whose fault this is, and we should bear grudges accordingly.

My Memphis Grizzlies Iverson jersey will just have to gather dust.

Offseason Shenanigans

2010-08-04T00:25:00.001-04:00

What do NBA players do in the off-season? Lots of players take different approaches. Obviously, it's a big time for free agent negotiations, high-level conditioning with their training staff, and international competition. Lots of guys also take much-deserved vacations, sometimes with a little spiritual awakening and education included.

So, let's take a look at what some of the Love in the Time Of LeBron Award Winners did this off-season:

This one dude made some sort of decision to join the Miami Heat. No, not Eddie House, whatshisname. You know. Damn it's on the tip of my tongue. In any case, afterwards, he celebrated like this. There was no fall out from any of these events and everyone continued to love this player.

Speaking of televised idiocy, Shaq spent most of the summer competing against people on his show, Shaq vs. In tonight's season debut, which, by total coincidence happens to be just around the time details about his deal with the Celtics became public, he competed in a spelling bee and raced Dale Earnhardt Jr. Here is a picture of Shaq trying to fit into a race car.

In less douchey news, Channing Frye is hosting a charity adult kickball tournament in Portland. Of course he is. According to the tournament's website the tournament will last all day and include a "stage with music, food, beer garden, yard games and activities including a bouncy castle!" Of course it will. Damn you and your likability, Channing Frye.

In other childhood-sports-co-opted-by-grown-ass-adults news, Ron Artest decided to get in shape for the off-season the only way he knew how: by crashing a dodgeball game.

Oh, Ron. At least he's in good company.

The Decision

2010-07-08T23:43:00.001-04:00

Before the ultimate special about the hero/villain of our age, I thought I’d have a summit with my drunk girlfriend to talk about the issues of free agency and blog The Decision together. I would now like to open the floor to Elizabeth’s opening statement:

E: Am I really qualified to speak if I’m not drunk yet? I’ll save my more complicated and sophisticated theories and comments for a time when I’m even better able to articulate them, but I’d like to open by expressing my excitement, and also my deep disappointment.
K: Does the booze really give you the magic of analysis? No! The magic has always been inside you. Or some shit. That said, why are you disappointed?
E: Location. As far as I can tell, this was the perfect (and some might say only appropriate) chance to bring the NBA to International Waters by holding this conference in a truly neutral site. Plus, who doesn’t like a party on a boat? This shit could’ve been nautical themed. Just imagine all that would entail. Don’t tell me the boys and girls would have been opposed to this.
K: They are doing this in a Connecticut suburb. Isn’t everything in Connecticut suburbs sort of jauntily nautically themed?
E: A nautical theme without actual water is like LeBron without a towel draped handsomely about his manly neck.
K: Speaking of, let’s talk about the man of the hour and then speculate about all the other free agent action you’ve been so closely following.

LeBron
K: I’m kind of not sure what the point of the special is. Everyone thinks he’s going to Miami.
E: When did everyone decide that? Also, not to push this too far, but if he goes to Miami, that makes the Decision-on-a-Boat thing even more of a wasted opportunity. He could have just cruised there!
K: Apparently, people close to him kind of leaked the story. Also he rented out somewhere around six cabanas for this weekend in Miami. That’s why people are assuming, though nothing official from anyone. In any case, let’s assume he goes to Miami. How do you think that will work with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh?
E: I assume they’ll have a good time? You know I got that cute picture of Misters Wade and James. I drew hearts all over it, but they were kind of already there. So I predict more love and joy. However, I am concerned about the sexy fun and summer heat he might find in Miami. We all know neither of these things have been there to distract him in Cleveland. It might have a negative effect on his work ethic. I cite Smith 1998:

Miami the place and the sun set low
Everyday like a Mardi Gras, everybody party all day
No work, all play, okay

K: Fair points all. That said, I understand Cleveland is pretty much just like that too.

Other Possible Destinations for LeBron
K: Speaking of which, this might not be a done deal. There are lots of other places still potentially in the running for the LeBron sweepstakes: Cleveland, Chicago, New York, New Jersey, and the L.A. Clippers all had meetings with the man this past weekend. Where do you think LeBron should go?
E: I say Chicago. He would look good in red, and I think Patches needs someone to look up to.
K: Well, I guess you haven’t heard the news. Guess who is coming to Chi-town? I’ll give you a hint: he has a terrifying gaping maw of razor sharp teeth, but is not a tyrannosaurus or a shark.

Carlos Boozer
E: MAULER. You know, I am worried about him taking a chunk out of someone’s arm, just cause, but I think LeBron probably can stand up to him. Also, it’s a well known fact of mystical pseudo-truths that there needs to be balance and harmony blah blah blah so it’s probably good to add a princely figure like LeBron to the team if a thousand-toothed beast is going to be running around, swallowing all that is good and pure. Oh, and also looking dumb.
K: Speaking of which, how do you think Boozer will play with his new frontcourt mate Joakim Noah?
E: You know, I worry about Patches sometimes. I think he’ll be OK if he avoids getting possessed by whatever depraved and hungry demon took control of Boozer years ago. I’m pretty sure demons are transmitted similarly to athlete’s foot, so if Patches keeps his shoes on, he should be fine.
K: Devil. Boozer went to Duke. And yes, although it bears mentioning that infernal interference is usually sexually transmitted if years of watching b-movies are to be believed. Not to cast aspersions on to Coach K.
E: You are casting aspersions with joy. I’m a little relieved to know this, though; Patches seems like the type of dude who never wears shoes except on the court.
K: You know who Patches has his shoe deal with?
E: Crocs? Sketchers? I think he’s a shoe wild card. I can see him wearing some weird canvas slip-ons. So probably those.
K: Le Coq Sportif. Seriously.
E: Don’t be unpleasant. Everyone loves le coq.
K: ...

Amar'e Stoudemire
K: Let’s check in on some of your other buddies from your days of hard-hitting play-off coverage. First things-first: Booze check.
E: Going slow! My hands are busy commentating, not freighting alcohol toward my mouth.
K: Le coq jokes don’t write themselves.
E: Are you sure about that?
K: Fair enough. Take a break to take a hearty sip of your drink, and then tell me your thoughts on this: Goggles has left the Phoenix Suns, the only team he has known, for the bustling metropolis of New York. Amar’e Stoudemire is a Knickerbocker. Tell me what your heart says and then tell me what your mind says.
E: I think those goggles will play well in Brooklyn. I think he will be bewildered if they catch on. Which they will. Which is terrible. Also, I don’t think that was really my mind commenting, so my heart has something to add: he’s going to leave Baby Dragon all alone with Steve Nash? Really, Goggles? I thought you had his back.
K: Steve Nash has Baby Dragon’s back. Although I guess that’s the problem?

Channing Frye
K: Some good news from the Valley of the Sun: Channing Frye signed a 5 year $30 contract to keep playing with the Suns! Let us sing the praises of the best 6’11” three point shooting center in all of basketball!
E: Praises sung.
K: That’s all? Elizabeth, Channing Frye is a beloved basketball icon.
E: I belove him a little too much, I think. You may think I’ve forgotten about my dream team, but it’s still coming. And he is well honored there.
K: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Other Free Agency Stories
K: So let’s talk about the other exciting stories of free agency in a HIGH OCTANE RAPID FIRE FASHION. You ready for this?
E: No?
K: LET’S GO! Joe Johnson is getting paid over $120 million to play for the Hawks for the next six years. Thoughts?
E: I don’t think that’s a real person.
K: Rudy Gay is also being overpaid in the $100 million dollar range by the Memphis Grizzlies. Insights?
E: And I don’t think that’s a real team.
K: Famous bust Darko Milicic is being paid $20 million to play for the Minnesota Timberwolves for the next four years. HARD HITTING ANALYSIS?
E: Have fun trying to spend $20 million in Minnesota. I predict long winter nights watching QVC.
K: Be-bearded center Drew Gooden signed a $32 million dollar contract for the Milwaukee Bucks. Your exposé?
E: Lots more money, only slightly more to spend it on. Do these guys gamble? Do they set up college funds for their great-grandchildren?
K: Channing Frye does I bet.
E: Channing Frye also spends his money on movies, dinner, foozball tables, and buying cookies from every single girl scout in Arizona. FACTS I JUST MADE UP. He doesn’t buy Boy Scout popcorn, though. No one does.
K: Right. Anyway, can we get back to the important things in life: What do you think of former Knick Chris Duhon’s $16 million four year contract for the Orlando Magic?
E: I don’t. Also, are you watching the pre-Decision commentary? The commentator was really disparaging of this, but I, for one, appreciate the vuvuzelas with players’ faces on them.
K: On a related note: Booze check.
E: Like Chris Bosh in Miami, I am drinking a margarita. How do I know what he’s drinking? The short ESPN dude next to the weird LeBron triptych said it, so it must be true.

Final Predictions
K: Okay, before the Decision gets started, let’s get some final Predictions. Where is LeBron going and how are they going to fill one hour?
E: The second question is way more pressing for me. However, I’m going to go ahead and say Miami. I read it in the tar balls that are washing up on our Florida shores. Tea leaves for the 21st century. Also, THE KING HAS ARRIVED. Where is his scepter?
K: Maybe he will construct it during the hour long program. For what it’s worth, I trust the tar balls, though I think virtually any other destination besides Miami is more intriguing. But to the more pressing issue, how do you kill an hour of television? Old highlights? Interviews? How can you have an interview if he hasn’t yet announced his decision?
E: Maybe he has some thoughts he needs to get out there. This might finally be the night we learn LeBron’s take on financial regulatory reform.
K: I want to hear how LeBron’s reading of The Phenomenology of Spirit has been going and what he thinks about the more contestable of Hegel’s ideas.
E: You missed that post-game interview? God.
K: Was that in the first round against Chicago? I knew those games were dull...
E: I’m predicting the boys and girls to fill a lot of this hour. Do kids still do jump rope teams?
K: Will they make collages? God’s eyes?
E: Dance-off. Or maybe carnival games. Franchise owner dunking booth?
K: Should we do a bored kid drinking game? I suspect these kids will be bored.
E: I thought I was already playing a drinking game?
K: MORE THAN A GAME.

THE DECISION
9:00
K: SO IT BEGINS!
E: God, that’s a wise picture of Lebron on the official logo. Wise, but also contemplative. Are you there, God? It’s me, LeBron.
K: This is truly the Sophie’s Choice of sports.
E: I am really confused by that comment. Also. LeBron is looking fine.
K: Tom Ziller says, “I'm not going to say LeBron looks presidential, but ...”
E: If we all agree he’s looking good, why are we looking at these chumps? Surely he is smiling and shaking hands or walking or rubbing his nose or something equally telegenic? Give him his hour, y’all.
K: LEBRON WE WANT TO WATCH YOU RUB YOUR NOSE.

9:06
K: So far: ESPN talking heads and LeBron highlights are how you fill an hour.
E: I know LeBron set this up, so how much control does he have over the content? I like to imagine that he actually wrote the introduction being read over his highlights. “He’s led the Cavaliers to back-to-back 60-win seasons... and he is a fine dresser with a sparkling sense of humor and a really awesome car.”
K: I was having a hard time imagining this being more fawning than it already has, but I think you persuaded me. It could in fact be more fawning. Resolved.
E: Joakim Noah is the ultimate role-player? I bet he’s a little embarrassed that that got out.
K: I bet Brook Lopez is hurt by them saying that. He put a lot of time into his paladin’s back-story.

9:11
K: Okay they are really showing photoshopped pictures of LeBron wearing different jerseys.
E: FASHION SHOW. Yeah, this isn’t hard to imagine without the photoshop. I think we can all close our eyes and pretend the words “New York” are written on Lebron’s chest. I would appreciate this more if they instead imagined his off-court wear. Like, Miami Vice LeBron. Or LeBron wearing one of those foam Statue of Liberty hats.
K: “Just for fun, here’s what LeBron would look like if he was part-Cheetah!”

Miami LeBron

9:13
K: Are they showing LeBron’s own vitaminwater commercial? Weird.
E: The sorta-ad announcement just now hinted that LeBron will be answering our questions. WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS BEFORE?
K: He announced it on his Twitter. #upyourtwittergame. See what I did there? Hash-tag jokes.
E: I’m really embarrassed by what you did there. Embarrassed for both of us.
K: #deservedit.

New York LeBron

9:22
K: Here we go, some live LeBron action.
E: “What’s been going on with you this summer?” GODDAMNIT.
K: Thoughts on the shirt? Purple checked.
E: He looks super-sweet. I think he just came from a porch with rocking chairs and iced tea. The sweetness of his shirt might indicate he’s about to do something heartless. Again, the balance.
K: I enjoy the extra-bushiness of his beard.

9:24
E: He decided this morning? And his mom helped him come to it? We all know she picked out that shirt too.
K: I think that means the Heat.
E: Better roll up those shirtsleeves. How old is his mom? We all know how much old people love Florida. “I hear they have shuffleboard there, LeBron. Don’t you love your mother?”
K: She’s pretty young, but, more importantly: THE WINNING TEAM ALREADY KNOWS. This is killing me a little bit. I’m refreshing Twitter like a maniac.
E: So, did LeBron’s agent demand a certain amount of time dedicated to fluff questions?
K: It’s a standard demand.

Cheetah LeBron

9:27
K: MIAMI!
E: Let the post-decision fluff start. “So. Miami Heat. That was the decision you woke up with this morning?” Yes. That is what he said.
K: LeBron just referred to himself in the third person.
E: As an excellent asset. I think this is proof he did indeed write his commentary voiceover.

9:30
K: He’s explaining his breakup with Cleveland now. Long story, short: “It’s not you it’s me.”
E: I would like it if he’d be upfront. “Guys, I saw that mural. Do you really think I look like that?”
K: “Will you still live in Akron?” “Uhh.. I’m not sure.” Yeaaaaaah.
E: Would you still live in Akron?
K: He backed down, “Akron will always be home.” Sure it will.

9:32
K: “I know how loyal I am.” Boy, they love hearing that in Cleveland I’m sure.
E: Extended allegiance to anything in Ohio moves beyond loyalty to straight sacrifice. Sorry, Ohio. The commentator who grew up in the Midwest says, “I feel sorry for Cleveland.” I think that’s kind of the point.
K: Do you think Cleveland just collapses in the next few years without the Atlas shoulders of LeBron?

9:36
K: REACTION SHOTS. Cleveland, unsurprisingly pissed.
E: God, Miami is filled with douchebags. The Cleveland people seemed to be sadly laughing just a bit. “Yeah, we know we suck.”
K: Miami is about to get one more douchebag.
E: Would a douchebag wear that shirt?
K: You want me to answer that?

9:38
E: In all seriousness, I don’t know that I can fault LeBron for this. In any other career, in the same situation, I think it would’ve been a good move to do the same thing.
K: You don’t think all the fans who loved him feel betrayed? Is LeBron a villain now?
E: I definitely do think the Cleveland fans must feel terrible, and I can’t blame them, but I think he was reasonable in wanting to move on. I hope the LeBron-as-villain thing doesn’t become a lasting narrative.
K: Me either. Kobe will always be the villain.

9:49
K: Wow. Burning LeBron jerseys on the streets of Cleveland.
E: Oh, give me a break.
K: Yikes, third person again. Is that more alarming than burning jerseys?
E: A little. LeBron isn’t alarmed by angry burnings, apparently, as long as it’s not God torching that jersey. You think he’s going to be on God’s team one day? What do those uniforms look like?
K: You know what Bird said after the famous playoff game against the Bulls? The he didn’t play against Michael Jordan, but rather God disguised as Michael Jordan. Long story short, Bulls. God’s team is the Bulls.

9:54
K: Another decision? Oh my! Bonus Decision! Alright!
E: “I don’t normally weigh in on the Emmys, but there’s some bullshit going on I’d like to address.”
K: You think he thinks it silly that Tony Shaloub always wins best comic actor?
E: Does anyone not think that?
K: The same people who keep nominating Two and A Half Men?
E: Hopefully LeBron’s decision will be some sort of unfunded mandate for the people of Miami. “I, LeBron, do command you to construct a statue of your LeBron, measuring no less that 40 cubits in height, and you shall render onto it all appropriate sacrifices.”
K: You know that this past week, Miami-Dade county was renamed Miami-Wade county? That’s real.
E: Do counties have no shame anymore? I thought that was one unit of governance that still had some dignity.
K: They got Wade, Bosh, and LeBron. Shameless works. Speaking of which, the Heat are the only team in the league that occasionally wear pink uniforms. Just thought you should know.
E: If he can look fine in purple, he can pull off pink.

10:05
K: The other decision was the thing about Boys and Girls Club getting all the profits. Which... yeah, okay. Can’t complain.
E: But... we already knew that?

Closing Thoughts
K: Well, that got Decided. You excited about the new Heat super-team?
E: Miami should be really good. They already have an awesome name, so I’m glad there are some good players now. I feel a little let down, though.
K: Was it the lack of boats?
E: That was definitely a factor. Also, where were all the boys and girls? Also, thanks for spoiling the Miami surprise, tweeting jackasses. Even though I was never against Miami, when he said that was it, I felt totally let down.
K: Yeah, I totally hate it when reporters figure out the news and inform the public.
E: OK, totally rational and reasonable HATER.
K: You’re welcome.

There you have it. A pivotal moment in the Time of LeBron. But, what does it all mean? Explain it to us in the comments.

What's Up With Dirk?

2010-07-01T12:58:00.001-04:00

I will try to keep this short and on-point because at its core, these are ill-founded, conspiratorial musings that seem to mostly spring from my hope of a Team of Destiny, where LeBron and Dirk come to Chicago to team up with Rose and Noah. This is a thing that won’t happen. That said, let’s talk about the weirdness that’s making it seem more and more possible.

The first bit of weirdness: Dirk opted out. For months and months, people were expecting Dirk and Yao to stay with their teams and not really participate in the Summer of Apocalypse Bonanza. Dirk confounded those expectations. And us.

Dirk is the best player in the history of Mavericks franchise, seems to get along great with everyone, is compensated as well as anyone can be compensated in the NBA, and is generally happy. That being said, he has yet to win a championship and that apparently eats at him. This is the reason he’d potentially want to leave.

But would he really? The Mavericks have insisted Dirk is staying and that they are confident he’ll sign a big extension and all will be right in Dallas. What does Dirk say? Well, nothing so far, but his actions have been weirdly ambivalent.

First, obviously, opting out instead of just signing the max money extension which the Mavs surely offered. The Mavs deal can’t get any sweeter. No presenting or quibbling to be done. I mean, the Mavs can reassure Dirk they will make better moves, but what else is to be done? In an effort to kiss the ring, Mav’s president Donnie Nelson was going to fly to Germany to “kiss the ring” and effectively do what no other president in the NBA is likely to do. Surely that would seal the deal right?

At the airport, Nelson received word that Dirk was actually flying back to the States. Which could mean that Dirk wants to take part in other meetings with other teams. If the Mavs were coming to him, why else would he come back to the States? Well, maybe he’s just tired of Germany, but ignore that for now, we are in conspiracy mode. DIRK IS IN PLAY.

Don’t believe me? Here’s another silly bit of conspiracy fodder: Dirk said he’ll be in Dallas Friday morning. What’s that mean? John Hollinger was a little puzzled because Europe flights come in during the evening. So where is Dirk going to be tonight? Jason Kidd said he was having dinner with Dirk in New York tonight. So, who here thanks that Dirk is in New York tonight to just enjoy the dining? NOT THE KNICKS OR THE NETS.

Listen, Wade is staying in Miami, and Bosh largely seems on-board with that while LeBron seems skeptical. Chad Ford seems skeptical too, while noting that a Dirk and LeBron pairing on the Bulls would give them the inside track. I agree, and I think that the Nets and the Knicks are on the outside looking in regardless. That said, if Dirk agreed to play with the Knicks or the Nets, that would be a significant game-changer. If Dirk signs anywhere other than Dallas, and LeBron can sign too, I think that team becomes the favorite to land LeBron.

LeBron is the key to where everyone else lands in free-agency, widely regarded as the first domino that will touch off massive movement around the league. The trick here is that no signing affects where LeBron will sign more than Dirk’s decision. Dirk’s sudden ambivalence towards Dallas could touch off sudden and wild shifts. This is the story that’s most interesting to me, but it should be noted that this is a story based on the quirks of air travel, the relative interestingness of Germany vs. Dallas, and Dirk acting slightly weird. The slightest Twitter musings, the pressure-cooker of the NBA rumor mill and a little conspiratorial salt can make for a tasty dish and a potentially juicy scenario: Lebron and Dirk to the Bulls/Knicks/Nets.

Or, Dirk might just sign with the Mavericks like we all thought he would. Whatever. Let's enjoy the conspiracies while they last.

My Drunk Girlfriend Watches the NBA Draft

2010-06-25T00:33:00.000-04:00

Well, the NBA season is over, but the NBA off-season has just begun! After such a stunning and surely predictive Mock Draft, it feels like I'd be doing you a great disservice if I didn't cover how the actual thing went down. Then I had an ideaL why should I cover it when I can get Elizabeth to get tipsy and cover it for me? It worked so well for the play-offs, after all. So here you go: Elizabeth and I blog the 2010 NBA Draft.

7:08 PRE-DRAFT PREGAME
ES: John Wall is the only man here I know much about (OK, I only know this), though that seems like enough. This is the only time in history that my assessment of the most desirable player (always determined by whose name I can remember first, or at all) matches up with the experts’.

7:11
ES: Gordon Hayward: a douchebag? My time-tested “snap judgments based on nothing but a fleeting and totally uninformed first impression” meter is going wild in that direction.
KC: He’s apparently a very nice young man.
ES: That’s what you say about Steve Nash, too. Well. Not the young part.

7:14
ES: I really liked it a few minutes ago when they showed them all lined up like a bunch of girls getting their group prom photos taken. Coincidentally, the awkward expressions on these guys’ faces suggest that prom was actually the last time any of them wore a suit.
KC: Right. Because that was just one year ago. They are babies.

7:15
ES: Gordon Hayward seems a little sweeter now that he’s perched uncomfortably in a way-too-small armchair, but he still seems like he would fingerbang your daughter.
KC: HE SHARES A MINIVAN WITH HIS SISTER!
ES: You don’t know what he does in that minivan.
KC: You are gross.

7:18
ES: I missed that whole last bit. Was that Demarcus Cousins? He just brought the uncomfortable hover-lean to national television. He surrounded the lady who was interviewing him on two sides.
KC: He’s the best for basketball fan-fiction.
ES: I have my own basketball fan-fiction about him, but it’s a bit personal. SORRY
KC: I would have figured you for more of a John Wall type. The more you know.
ES: I didn’t say it was just Cousins in there.
KC: I really hope by “in there” you mean your head. At this point I will remind and link everyone to your Tyler Hansbrough dream. He’s a Pacer, Elizabeth. A PACER!

7:24
ES: The Bulls’ logo: so very angry! It scares me, hovering over that anchor’s head.
KC: This is a scintillating discussion of the salary cap and luxury tax. I’m sure you are paying attention.
ES: I just heard them say “role-players” and I thought of me, John Wall, and Demarcus Cousins.
KC: I bet you are the chatoic good elven cleric. Wall is obviously the Wizard. Demarcus Cousins might be King. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
ES: I would look the other way, but I’m already having a hard enough time typing straight.

7:29
ES: Look, the overhead lighting is like prom, too!
KC: Have you seen their official pictures yet? Check it. Though not for too long. THERE IS SO MUCH MYSTERY IN THESE FIRST PICKS.

7:30 DRAFT TIME
KC: I love the intro.
ES: I am very much appreciating whoever it is they show from behind in front of the window and in front of the bridge. For their talent.
KC: Wow, Stern boos already. Keep it classy, New York. Oh nice, he shouts out the unruly fans. Well-played Stern.
ES: Bros: “HE’S TALKING ABOUT US!”

7:34
ES: They’re showing the Wizards. “Gotta wonder what they’re doing in there,” say the anchors. Looks like... looking at computers, talking on the phone, and looking real pleased with themselves? We got the camera in there, y’all.
KC: Arenas + Wall = Awesome. It’s basic math, you guys.
ES: Did that one commentator just say that someone is named Bloodso? It actually sounded like “Bloodsoap,” but I know the universe is not that kind.
KC: Bledsoe. You know, like the common name.
ES: No fun.

7:37
KC: Wow, what a surprise, John Wall. What do you think of the hat wearing thing they do? And by hat thing, I mean, “wearing a cap of the team that drafts them.”
ES: It’s cute, and while I’d be a little skeptical of it on a sartorial level if anyone else were involved, for most of these guys it seems to actually improve the suit by canceling it out. John Wall, however, is a well dressed man, though his many stripes at different angles make me a bit dizzy. His eyes and earring, too. By the way, that took me a really long time to type, because I was captivated by the text zooming powerpointedly across the screen.

7:41
KC: JOHN’S MOM! HE BOUGHT HER A HOUSE! SHE PICKED OUT HIS SUIT! I’M ABUSING CAPS LOCK!
ES: Yeah, now we know why his suit actually looks good.

7:43
ES: I feel like I met Evan Turner at a Future Upstanding Citizens of America event. The glasses cinch it. Note: I would never be invited to such an event.
KC: Wait. Why were you there?
ES: OH MY GOD. Does he have laser-cone vision? Because they just showed that coming out of his eyes.
KC: Yes. It’s his superpower.
ES: He used up all that magic before he decided to button up over that long-ass tie.

7:47
ES: Who is this orange guy talking? Yeah, we get that you were drafted by the 76ers in about 12 BC.
KC: It’s Doug Colling, and um, yeah, he’s also the coach of that team.
ES: He’s still orange. Also: Evan Turner’s mom looking good! I like that bright color.
KC: But not when people have bright orange skin? Hypocrite.

7:50
KC: Guess no one traded for the spot. Nets keeping Favors. Interesting. I was really hoping they would make the trade to free Danny Granger from the Pacers, but alas, he languishes in basketball purgatory. Oh well.

7:54
KC: Thoughts on Wesley Johnson’s pants?
ES: Guess who wore pajamas to the draft?! I guess he thought they weren’t going to show up from the waist down? This isn’t school picture day.
KC: Right. It’s prom.

7:57
KC: Oh. John Wall Reebok ZigTech commercial. Pretty cool, but “Energy drink for your feet” is a terrible slogan. It makes me think of drinking something that tastes like feet. You know, like energy drinks. Also, I DO like the making an announcement noise they play before Stern speaks. Really great.
ES: It’s like someone’s cellphone is going off. Someone who’s texting, “What the hell is going on?” Also, they should fire whoever is adding the dynamic text to these highlight reels.
KC: Making you dizzy, drunkles?
ES: Making no sense! I thought we as a nation had moved on from wordart.

8:03
ES: Anchor to Cousins: “You look good rocking that purple, too.” STOP PEDDLING LIES. Also, “I’m just a kid having fun,” is a little weird coming from a giant.
KC: He is 19. As for the shirt, II think he was just buttering him up. He immediately called Cousins heavy after the compliment.
ES: There’s nothing quite as slimming as shiny lavender.

8:06
KC: We knew it was coming but this Ekpe Udoh pick to the Warriors really hurts Ed Davis’s chances of getting drafted early, unless Utah goes with him.
ES: Finally, someone drafts a three-piece suit. I approve. Also, I like when the other players in a draftee’s highlight reel are just terrible. Example: the pasty redhead dropping the ball in terror as Udoh approaches.

8:13
KC: No surprises at all so far. Pistons just drafted Monroe, Clippers probably a lock to draft Aminu. Utah is the first unknown. Fingers crossed for Ed Davis. He would get to be Millsapp’s Millsapp if you know what I mean.

ES: I really don’t. Also, I’m a bit surprised, surprised that everyone present appears to be capable of dressing themselves. I was led to expect something along the lines of this. Then again, that may have been wishful thinking on my part.
KC: It’s a down year for Draft Night fashion. No James Harden style bowties. On a similar note, a lack of quality beards. Sorry, Greg Monroe, just not good enough.

8:18
KC: Okay, Aminu. I take it back. Nice. Also, according to schedule.
ES: First hipster of the night. Where are the skinny dudes holding up ironic signs to celebrate?
KC: Do you not know? This is a really common NBA look. LeBron dresses that way. Same with Amar’e and many others. Not a hipster thing.
ES: I have, in fact, seen that. Also: cutest family of the draft?
KC: Let’s wait and see. Also, Aminu looks like Dwight Howard a lot. “Clark Kent” as a nickname?
ES: You can call him that if you like, but my nicknames don’t work like that. My nicknames are fueled by some combination of booze, hate, tenderness, and fear, and not much more than that.
KC: Somewhere, Baby Dragon smiled.
ES: Kellen, I really do love you, but if I could make Baby Dragon smile...
KC: I understand.

8:24
KC: Utah picks Gordon Hayward. This probably means Ed Davis slides a lot. Bet you Pacers pick Babbit. Incidentally, his nickname is “Other White Guy in the Draft.” You know Gordon Hayward has a twin sister? True fact.
ES: I bet you someone picks... someone. I am not going to bet you anything. I don’t know what’s going on.
KC: THERE SHE IS! TWIN SISTER!
ES: I beg forgiveness for all of my hateful comments about Gordon Hayward. His eighth grade picture is certifiably The Cutest. OK. Not as cute as Aminu’s little brother. Well. Maybe. It’s a draw.

8:31
KC: Wow. Paul George to the Pacers. Didn’t see that one coming. Especially since he seems really similar to Danny Granger. Maybe they will move Granger yet? I hope so. FREE DANNY!
ES: Nor did I see the chain-behind-the-tie thing coming, but I love it so much. Best-dressed in the draft?
KC: Wall and Aminu got my votes currently. Sorry.
ES: I guess they have mine too, but that chain was just brilliant. Maybe this is an example of how he has great potential but has to mature?

8:37
KC: Cole Aldrich to New Orleans. Interesting. Seems a bit early for him, but okay: Let’s go for the guy missing a tooth by choice. Ahhhh, there it is: it was part of a trade to the Thunder. The Thunder need a center like that. Nice.

8:44
ES: Inside the mind of Xavier Henry: “Do I need to button my jacket now that I’m going onstage? Maybe just one button? What did John Wall do?”
KC: I love the green tie and suit. He has a Danny Green smile. Also, best name of the draft.
ES: Both he and his mom are crying! New favorite.
KC: The Mom Factor is big for you, huh?

8:49
KC: YES! Ed got drafted! NO! He’s now on the Raptors.
ES: Dinosaurs are noble as shit, and so is UNC. A good match on that level. Also, he is handsome. More handsome than a raptor, probably, but most definitely more handsome than a ram or a dirty foot, and that discrepency never held him back at UNC.
KC: Huh. Well, he’ll likely start. I think everyone has accepted that Bosh ain’t coming back. And also, Ed’s dad had a goddamn sweet high top.
ES: Ed Davis’s suit isn’t as flashy, but he looks so goddamn cool.
KC: Oh! Ed Davis’s favorite player is Chris Bosh! That’s goddamn adorable.
ES: I really would have enjoyed it if he’d responded to that “What do you know about Toronto?” question with all sorts of hesitant answers about the city. “Um... it’s surprisingly cosmopolitan, they shoot a lot of TV shows there... and I think G20 is going on there now?” I guess I can accept that he actually had a response relevant to the context, but I can still dream of a better world.
KC: I would have liked it if he gave everyone an elaborate lesson in the history of Toronto, starting with it’s founding to the present day. Everyone would be so confused.

8:56
KC: “Patrick Patterson is an absolute man.” True or false? Whatever, the result, maybe the worst suit of the draft?
ES: It’s like drapes, but drapes I would burn and then blame on a ghost.
KC: Do ghosts often burn drapes? I was not aware of that legend.
ES: I won’t blame them when you’re around, then. When is this over?
KC: Only 44 more picks!
ES: Um...
KC: I’m excited too! Have another beer!

9:01
ES: What draftee doesn’t show up to the draft?!
KC: Lots of them. It’s more embarrassing if you show up and they don’t draft you. Cf. Prom.
ES: When they start choosing people who expected to be embarrassed by not being chosen, I feel like that’s my cue to start packing up.
KC: I can just see you calculating how many episodes of LOST you could be watching instead.

9:11
KC: Oh, nice. Bulls draft Kevin Seraphin! This is a nice, savvy choice. I thought the Spurs or Thunder would steal him. Wait. I’m an idiot. This is actually the Wizards pick. Huh.
ES: And so stylishly dressed, too!
KC: Thunder should take Hassan Whiteside and team him with Serge Ibaka. Every shot that can be blocked shall be blocked.
ES: I don’t know who any of these people are, but their names are good enough to carry entire teams of dudes with dull names.
KC: Not a lot of foreign players in this years draft. Kind of odd. It feels like it’s been 80% American power forwards. Has a second point guard been taken yet?

9:16
KC: ...and Eric Bledsoe taken on cue.
ES: BLOODSOAP.
KC: Yes. Bloodsoap. Apparently there are a lot of trades going on right now. Thunder make the pick, which I thought was already being shipped to New Orleans, but apparently Bloodsoap is actually ending up on the Clippers. Huh.
ES: Would I know about this stuff if I were actually listening to the parts with dumpy old men instead of tall and bright young ones?
KC: Actually, no. ESPN is a little slow tonight. Twitter got all the deets before Stuart Scott knows anything. I apologize for saying “deets.”
ES: When you’re twiddling and tweeting, it’s “context.” When I am, it’s apparently “distraction.” What a double standard.
KC: Sorry, I can’t help it that I am a CHAMPION LEAGUE INTERNETTER. Want to see some Twitter-sourced magic? The Spurs will picks James Anderson.
ES: I don’t believe in magic.

9:27
KC: Spurs pick James Anderson. MAGIC IS REAL. The verdict is still out on whether the Orlando Magic is real though.
ES: The Orlando Magic has been dead to me ever since you pointed out the probably-really-obvious connection between Orlando Magic and Orlando Disney. I hope someone will tell them I said that, because we’re not talking anymore.
KC: I would if I could prove they existed.

9:31
KC: Elizabeth, why don’t you share your strong feelings about Craig Brackins?
ES: He is certainly... a person.
KC: Love in the Time of LeBron: Analysis you can’t get anywhere else.

9:41
ES: Biggest disappointment of the night: No one is terrifying. When does that change from dopey to devilish happen, exactly? Terrifying bald giant of Cleveland, if you are reading this, could you let me know about that? Also, Steve Nash, you get back to me, too.
KC: Steve Nash is just a nice guy, Elizabeth. He just hosted a charity soccer game! In any case, to address your question: People expect Brian Zoubek and John Scheyer to be drafted in the second round.
ES: Terrifying and gross are different things, Kellen. And I can’t help that I am flooded with a pure and primal fear when I gaze upon Steve Nash’s weathered visage. If he is such a nice guy, I know he understands, or at least forgives me. Right, Steve?
Steve Nash: I never forgive, Elizabeth.
ES: THAT IS NOT STEVE NASH TYPING THAT DON’T LISTEN GUYS KELLEN IS LYING
KC: If you choose to underestimate Steve Nash’s hacking skills, that’s on you. I have nothing but respect for you, Mr. Nash.

9:45
KC: Disappointed Hawks fans are the best part of the night. Also, Damion James finally brings a quality beard to this oddly clean-shaven draft.
ES: Now that a quality beard has shown up, I think I can leave you without guilt. Embarrassingly, this is when I have to go to bed. I suppose I can expect nightmares now that we’re talking about Steve Nash. Great timing there.
KC: You could wait to have nightmares about Artsiom Parakhouski. I am told that is a player likely to be drafted. Surely terrifying though. Well thanks for helping me with this crucial and important coverage. The basketball bloggoverse surely thanks you! Goodnight!
Steve Nash: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
ES: Goddamnit.

9:51
KC: Just me from here on out. Also, I take it back: Best part of night is Grizzlies fan mouthing, “I don’t know who he is,” when they announce the Dominique Jones pick.

9:56
I can’t decide if Xavier Henry or Quincy Poindexter is a better name. Great draft for people who sound like their names are fake. Looking at you, Kevin Seraphin.

10:00
I didn’t realize that someone had brought a vuvuzela. I welcome their coming ubiquity. With that said, I expect my draft notes to slow down drastically at this point. Still lots of intriguing players available, and I’ve got to hope someone gives Deon a chance. If someone gives Marcus a chance, that would be icing.

Epilogue
Magnum Rolle makes a late bid for the best name in the draft. In a bitter turn of events, neither Marcus nor even Deon was drafted. In a sweet turn of events, neither Zoubek or Scheyer were drafted either. We'll call the whole affair bittersweet and eagerly await the free-agency apocalypse and the end of days. Also, serious propers to Jose3030 on Twitter for all the screen captures. Don't follow the NBA without following him.

2010 Love in the Time of Lebron Mock Draft

2010-06-24T01:48:00.000-04:00

Last year, I unleashed the finest mock draft this world has ever seen, filled with cunning insight and clever advice. For the record, the actual number one pick of the 2009 NBA Draft didn’t play a single game this season, yet my suggestion is setting all sorts of franchise records for rookie debuts. Tough luck, Clippers: I told you to go for Stephen Strasburg. In any event more wisdom for the ages can be found below.

1. Wizards
Do the John Wall. It’s the dance craze that is sweeping the nation and our dreams. I will say this as plainly as I can: I love two point guard line-ups with all my heart, and I love Gilbert Arenas with something else. If Wizards can land Amar’e in the off-season, they once again become one of my absolute favorite teams. If the Magic actually go through with a Vince Carter trade for Gil, I still stand by everything I just said.

2. 76ers
You know what you can’t coach? Height, athleticism, toughness, and heart. There are just certain intrinsic qualities that are scarce and valuable in the NBA. At some point, it’s okay to ignore the guy with the most skills and instead get the guy with the most intrinsic ability and best intangibles and hope that the skills develop. That’s what you pay coaches for, right? So, here, I think the 76ers take a gamble: Ma-Ti, the Planeteer. Sure, he may not have height, athleticism, or toughness, but no one beats him in the “heart” department, and you just can’t coach that. A pretty clear case of tremendous potential upside.

3. Nets
Here’s something that’s fun: go through an entire season with one of the worst records in the entire history of the NBA and get screwed by ending up with the third pick. John Wall should rightfully play for the Nets! There is only one logical route to vengeance. Upstage his dance craze. Now while there are some concerns that this prospect is already past their peak, the Nets stand firm: New Jersey would like to draft Souljah Boy. The rest of the league would like to groan loudly.

4. Timberwolves
If we learned anything from last year’s draft, it’s that David Kahn loves to draft point guards. It’s obvious but true. There is an important corollary to this rule: the only thing he loves more than drafting a point guard is drafting a point guard who won’t actually play in Minnesota. That being said, the Timberwolves should go for the best available option: Chris Paul. BONUS: For their other two first round picks, Kahn asks himself the hard question, “Who is the next best unavailable point guard?” And that’s how Deron Williams and Rajon Rondo were drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves and I decided that the NBA would be fine with only 29 teams.

5. Kings
I’ve heard somewhere that you can use a number of mind tricks and brash confidence to just take what you want from people and have them go along with it. It’s uncanny to watch Derren Brown pay people with blank paper and have them simply accept it blindly, as if it were perfectly normal. It’s amazing how a little bit of patter, confusion, and distraction can make a mind more willing to accept the impossible, isn’t it? Incidentally, the Kings draft LeBron James. But yeah, the human mind, surely a susceptible thing.

6. Warriors
If you would like to read my Demarcus Cousins fanfiction, please email me at loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com. I will happily send you a story about Cousins’ occult initiation into the Warriors at the hands of Anthony Randolph. I am serious.

7. Pistons
The Pistons are still in this league? Seriously? Wow. Wait who is Jonas Jerebko? Shit. Umm, okay. How about Greg Monroe? Yeah. That dude.

8. Clippers
Donald Sterling doesn’t have a great reputation, but he is an innovator. The Clippers burned by their lack of draft success in the past have devised a new system to ensure future success. In traditional systems, the team pays the player a sum that is determined by their contract. Under the Clippers new system the newly drafted player would be placed at the bottom of the Clippers Pyramid of Winning. The Pyramid of Winning is a hierarchical system that rewards loyalty and contributions to the Clipper Organization while granting newly drafted rookies the success and wealth they want without having to try or even play. Newly drafted rookies put themselves at the bottom of the pyramid and then send a hundred dollar bill to everyone above them on the pyramid. Each year, the rookie gets to move themselves up a tier on the pyramid. This means, that in a few short years, a rookie drafted by the Clippers will be making an extravagant amount of money and managing the whole organization without having spent a single minute on the court! Amazing! To participate, please send the money to all the people above you in the pyramid and then prepare to draft three rookies of your own in the coming year. Great job with the innovation, Donald!

9. Jazz
Tough-minded couch Jerry Sloan is always looking for defensive talent. This year he hoped to convince the ownership to draft for defense. For weeks now, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth had been on top of their draft board based on his size and physical play, but recent revelations about his intangibles, namely lack of cooperation and diva tendencies have caused the Jazz to go in a different direction. Arguably selecting the best defensive player in America, the Jazz pick Tim Howard, whose goal keeping experience is a huge plus, though worries about his tendency to goal-tend nearly every shot at the net remain.

10. Pacers
Listen: you know the joke I am going to make here. Of course it’s about how the Pacers like to draft white players. You know why? Of course you do; we all know why. The Pacers have recently drafted/traded for a bunch of white players and there’s a feeling that it’s a weird racial subtextual response to the brawl at the Palace and, well, the fact that they play in Indiana. We should be calling out Indiana on how fucked up this is that they seem to be deliberately engaging in a policy of picking less talented white players over better black players. Making a lame joke about how the Pacers seem kind of racist is the very least we can do to call attention to this fairly disturbing fact.

So, long story short, the Pacers are almost certainly going to draft Gordon Hayward.

11. Hornets
The Hornets want a sound pick, but they also want to make a scene on draft day. So, I think they go for a pick that has the most buzz: the vuvuzela. In other news, I am so sorry.

12. Grizzlies
It’s no secret that Michael Heisley, the majority owner of the Grizzlies is a big fan of saving money. Having to pay a first round lottery pick is expensive business, so many in the Grizzlies organization have suggested trying to sell/get rid of the pick. The thinking is that you let the teams that are willing to pay so much money for the right at the main courses go ahead and dig in and then scrounge for leftovers. You see, the point is, even after the other teams have had their picks, there’s still plenty of meat on that bone: you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato; baby, you got a stew goin’.

13. Raptors
You know who has an awesome name? The Toronto Raptors. I know some people think it’s kind of silly and lacks the timeless and classic feel of other team names, but honestly, NBA team names are kind of terrible. Sure, most people don’t see any logical connection between Toronto and raptors, but there isn’t a logical connection between Utah and jazz is there? Don’t worry about it: The Raptors have a great name. You know who else has an awesome name: Xavier Henry. Just saying.

14. Rockets
The Rockets have only had three lottery picks in the past ten years. The players they selected were Richard Jefferson, Yao Ming, and Rudy Gay. Not bad at all. Everyone knows the Rockets are one of the smartest teams in the NBA. If they use this pick on a player, take note of this player. On the other hand, Daryl Morey has a real talent for turning picks into real assets quickly. Look for him to use a recursive function or possibly some sort of geometric series to increase the picks of the Houston rockets to a value rapidly approaching either infinity or Hassan Whiteside.

Love in the Time of LeBron NBA Awards

2010-06-23T01:57:00.001-04:00

It’s the end of the season, and what a season it was. The lovable underdogs, the Los Angeles Lakers took home the championship and the Summer of 2010 is about to descend in all of it’s apocalyptic fury. Incidentally, one year ago on this very day, this blog started with a vision of human sacrifice performed by a back-up for the Minnesota Timberwolves. We have come so far since then. Let’s celebrate with the first annual Love in the Time of LeBron NBA Awards. Yes, we are doing this. Yes.

All Fallen Heroes Team
This is the team of my five favorite players who were once truly great but saw terrible decline this season. Either felled by their own tragic flaws, the indifference of a cruel universe, or the sapping, and unrelenting force of age and time, some of my absolute favorite players became shadows of themselves this past season, and left me sad. The flickering torches of true and genuine greatness must be passed before they extinguish. We grow old, we grow old, and we wearour trousers like damn fools. For the heroes.

PG Gilbert Arenas
SG Allen Iverson
SF Vince Carter
PF Kevin Garnett
C Shaquille O’Neal

All Nerd Team
Just a bunch of nice guys who leave their comics, videogames, Rubik's cubes, and blogs. Oh and Steve Nash. Sure, Steve Nash isn’t nerdy in those same terms, but he’s deeply silly, and well, I mean c’mon.

PG Steve Nash
SG Danny Granger
SF Marvin Williams
PF Channing Frye
C Brook Lopez

Creepy Cerebral Team
Not nerds, but (potentially) evil geniuses. This team would pick you apart so fast that you couldn’t help but feel naked. Some of the most ruthlessly gifted players in the league, but also uncannily bright. Imagine the team meetings.

PG Steve Nash
SG Kobe Bryant
SF Shane Battier
PF Tim Duncan
C Emeka Okafor

Total Badass Team
Be honest with me. Would you mess with a single guy on this team? Note, four out of five made the Finals and the other went to jail. Just saying.

PG Gilbert Arenas
SG Kobe Bryant
SF Ron Artest
PF Kevin Garnett
C Rasheed Wallace

All Nemesis Team
If you have the ball, who do you not want to see defending you? These guys. Not quite the all-defensive team, but rather a collection of the peskiest defenders in the league who pride themselves in getting under your skin an inside your head. Varejao must exemplifies that attitude and Sasha and Birdman combine that with certain magical quality that just make people hate them. Rondo and Wallace are legitimately great defenders by everyone’s accounting, but they bring a certain stony athletic quality that scares their opponents. I love that.

PG Rajon Rondo
SG Sasha Vujacic
SF Gerald Wallace
PF Anderson Varejao
C Chris Anderson

Pure Joy Team
I love watching these five guys. Wish they were in every game. They play brilliant, joyful basketball and remind me of the full potential of the NBA. Also, maybe just a coincidental fact, but nice smiles all round. Think about it.

PG Chris Paul
SG Ray Allen
SF LeBron James
PF Josh Smith
C Dwight Howard

Can We Hang Out Team?
Simply put, the guys in the NBA who I want to hang out with. Dudes who just seem cool, nice, and relatively down to Earth for ridiculously talented millionaires. Maybe not the ultimate list of dudes who you’d want to hit the club, but definitely the dudes who I’d want to go to a barbecue with. Another name for this list might be, “Why I’m Not Bill Simmons.”

PG Steve Nash
SG Baron Davis
SF Caron Butler
PF Channing Frye
C Brook Lopez

All Bench Team
Personal and sentimental favorites who could totally start for lots of teams. They are all starters in my heart.

PG Ty Lawson
SG Goran Dragic
SF Martel Webster
PF Marcin Gortat
C Channing Frye

Gimme Some More Team
We didn’t get to see very much of these guys this season, and that’s a shame because the are all awesome or dripping with awesome potential. Injuries and a lack of national TV coverage did these guys in.

PG Chris Paul
SG Kevin Martin
SF Gerald Wallace
PF Blake Griffin
C Greg Oden

Hipster Team
Not necessarily made up of hipsters, but full of “underground,” “buzz,” and “cult” picks. One of these picks, I am told, is “ironic.” Bonus Rorschach test: if you scoff at these picks for being too obvious: what does that say about you? If you scoff at these picks for being too irrelevant: what does that say about you?

PG Brandon Jennings
SG Rudy Fernandez
SF Luke Walton
PF Serge Ibaka
C Ian Mahinmi

Thomas’s Psychosexual Dream Team
The heroes and actors of Thomas’s over active imagination and bizarre repressed desires. Fully bearded and soft on the inside. Perfect. They would probably win about five straight championships if they weren’t too busy being metaphors for Thomas's psyche.

PG Derek Fisher
SG Dwyane Wade
SF Lebron James
PF Troy Murphy
C Pau Gasol

All Destiny Team
This one is just for fun. Listen, I know this can’t happen, but here it is. Of the possible free-agent super teams that can be created, by necessity, the best ones involve LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzki. They complement each other far better than LeBron with his mini-me in Wade or the skilled, but distinctly unfreakishly singular Bosh and Stoudemire. If you start talking about Joe Johnson and Rudy Gay I will laugh in your face. In any event, this scenario supposes that LeBron signs with Chicago and through a series of fanciful sign and trades, gets rid of Hinrich and Deng and brings in Dirk and noble Ray Allen, who signs for a relatively low contract to be apart of this new superteam. Ray and Dirk offer the three-point shooting LeBron has always needed. Noah offers the gifts of a true center and defensive anchor, while Rose offers a harmonizing, slashing counterpoint to LeBron’s game. Maybe this would be slightly more possible in New Jersey with Harris and Lopez playing the part of the young core, but this dream is just too beautiful.

PG Derrick Rose
SG Ray Allen
SF LeBron James
PF Dirk Nowitzki
C Joachim Noah

All Love in the Time of LeBron Team
“For exemplifying the spirit of the blog and all of it’s ridiculousness.”

PG Steve Nash
SG Allen Iverson
SF LeBron James
PF Channing Frye
C Shaquille O’Neal

Beard of the Year
Baron Davis

He faced a stern challenges from young James Harden, but Boom’s beard abides.

Dreamhaunter of the Year
Tyler Hansbrough

I don’t get it, but it’s just a fact.

Team of the Year
Nuggets, Thunder, Suns

I couldn’t decide. For my money, these are the three most fun teams in the league. The Suns seemed destined to fade fast. The end of the Nuggets as we know them looms. Enjoy these two teams in their twilight and then bask in the glorious dawn of the Thunder. May they reign forever.

Disappointment of the Year
Wizards, Hawks, and Clippers

I couldn’t decide again. I thought each of these teams were going to be legitimately good but they were each undone by their respective weaknesses: fingergunz, poor coaching, and being the Clippers.

Coach of the Year
Alvin Gentry, Suns.

Is any other coach in this league so loved by his team? Does any coach in the league love his team as much as Alvin? We are all about love here: it’s in the name.

Love in the Time of LeBron Player of the Year
Chaning Frye

You all know why.

Love in the Time of LeBron Champion of the Year
Ron Artest.

Everything is coming up Ron Ron. Let's stop here, fellow champions.

Why The Lakers Will Win/Lose

2010-06-06T18:12:00.000-04:00

I was watching the first game of the Finals and I was really impressed by how well the Lakers were playing. Then I saw this interview with Kobe. In this rad little piece, he talks about how he was influenced by the styles of lots of the great players before him. Seeing that, combined with the Lakers play convinced me that the Lakers could very well sweep.

Impressive stuff, Kobe. Then I had the misfortune of seeing this.

This is a clip from Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the reality show about the Kardashian family. Lamar Odom, power forward for the Lakers, is married to Khloe Kardashian. In this clip, Khloe works on a sexy video for Lamar. The key section of the clip involves a topless Khloe lounging in a bath tub full of candy. This is because, as you may have heard, Lamar Odom enjoys candy. He also presumably enjoys his naked wife. Obviously, the combination of the two things then must logically be incredibly sexy to Lamar. That being said: OH MY GOD, MY EYES.

Incidentally, in case you had a case of deja vu set off by the Khloe-covered-in-candy-because-of-Odom center of your brain, it's probably because you remember this story, which is about the time Khloe woke up confused and covered in melted chocolate because Lamar apparently stashed a ton of it in their bed and fell asleep before eating it all.

Yeah, gross. This is the kind of challenging background research I do for this blog. You are welcome.

Oh right, and now for the trenchant analysis you came here for: There is no way in hell that the Lakers can win because Lamar + Khloe + candy = DIVINE DISFAVOR. Sorry, Kobe, your good karma and respect for your fore-bearers can't undo the black magic of reality stars.

Here is a video from last year about how much Lamar loves candy.

Here is a clip of Lamar eating a PowerBar Energy Gel Blast which is apparently like candy but helps you dunk on the moon.

Here is the trailer from the 1992 horror film, "Candyman."

Here is the place where I made a joke about Lamar Odom and "Candyman" before, because I am a hack with recycled jokes.

Here is the place where I would have put the video to that Christina Aguilera song, "Candyman," but didn't because the world is cruel enough already and I am so sorry about that Keeping Up With the Kardashians video.

I'm so sorry.

The Playoffs That Broke My Spirit

2010-06-03T00:15:00.002-04:00

I haven't been writing a lot in this space, and while I could claim that it's because I was too busy, that would be a lie. The truth is that my heart has been taking a beating and that watching the playoffs has became a cruel endurance test. How often can I sit and watch as the biggest bullies in the league slay the dreams of their more likable competitors? Apparently, about once a night.

The Celtics and the Lakers aren't terrible teams to watch; they are truly great teams and deserve to play each other in the NBA Finals. Kobe has done more for his reputation in the past few weeks than he did in his championship run last year, and that is truly saying something. He's hitting shot after ridiculous shot and the Lake front-court looks completely peerless. And as for the Celtics, they are up to their old tricks: incredible defense, fuck-you attitude, and a balanced scoring attack. We have seen it all before. With the exception of the emergence of Rondo (who I should note, has maybe been the best player in the league for the past month), it's the same-old, same-old. The cliches are true: Defense, toughness, and clutch scoring (we should really just call it "Kobeness") are what get you to the Finals. And that's sad to me. I enjoy watching the NBA right now because I like the crumbling of the old order, I want to see new modes and new players. To see the affirmation of the old cliches, the victory of "traditional" basketball values; well it does nothing for me. It leaves me cold and disheartened.

It started with the fall of the Bobcats, strangely enough. While the Bobcats are traditionalists in their own sense, their brand of arch-basketball conservatism was such a freak show that it delighted me. It was stifling defense combined with a singular, bizarre offensive theory and strategy: get to the rim or nothing. It was singularly bizarre. The involvement of the Bobcats in the playoffs was so odd. It was like if feudalists showed up to the Republican National Convention and spent all their time trying to make the case for the re-implentation of serfdom. Probably the Bobcats were never going to be more than a side-show in the playoffs, but at least it had the advantage of being supremely freaky.

More upsetting was the death of dynamism, athleticism, and raw people-pleasing spectacle. My beloved Nuggets fell, and then the young and brilliant Thunder, and then the Hawks, who I thought had blossomed, but apparently were fatally flawed all along. I loved all of these teams because they were exciting, fresh, and new. But they fell, and so high-flying dunks and flashy highlights sailed into the undying lands in the West, and I wept.

You have likely noticed by now that I am burying the lede. You know it because I know you feel it in your heart too, and I know that it has weighed heavily on all of us. You probably dealt fine with the losses of the four teams I just mentioned. And really, so did I: Did anyone think any of those four were going to do much in the playoffs but provide a pleasant distraction? When they lost, it felt inevitable. Sad, but expected. The moment that really crushed my spirit was when the Cavaliers lost. The exit of LeBron from the playoffs was traumatic.

For almost everyone I talked to, it felt like a broken promise. Destiny deferred. The one true narrative of the NBA gone off the tracks ("LeBron is the Chosen One. Will he surpass Jordan?"). It was confusing and profoundly sad. Collectively, we sighed.

We love LeBron. He is the most exciting player in the NBA. He just is. He's got the insane talent, freak athleticism, and uncanny charisma that no one else can match. The charisma is in his game too. Watching LeBron play, you can't help but be charmed. Kobe doesn't charm. He shocks. He awes. He doesn't charm. LeBron can't help it. The powerful-yet-playful drives to the basket followed by earth-shattering dunks and the light-hearted smiles of encouragement to his teammates after far-too-deft passes are so easy to love. Even if you don't love LeBron, he hypnotizes, and at this particular instant, there's no reason to try to distinguish between hypnosis and love: the point remains the second LeBron left the play-offs, it felt like the lights dimmed.

Of course, LeBron is a singular and particular basketball enjoyment, and I know that and you know that. There is joy in basketball beyond LeBron. and there was opportunity for hope in the Conference Finals. All season, the offense of the Magic had sparkled around the defensive anchor of Dwight Howard, and in the West, Steve Nash led the reincarnated Suns on one of their greatest runs ever. It didn't matter. The forces of basketball conservatism won. The wacky Pythagorean geometry of the Magic attack broke against the steadfast rock of tough Boston defense. The sheer warmth, joy and play of the Sun's schoolyard assault froze over with each icy Kobe jumper. The prospect of basketball revolution diminished to nothing. The Magic would not prove themselves and their system. Seven seconds or less would not be redeemed on basketball's biggest stage. Instead, you get the basketball equivalent of the Oscar-bait costume drama about a troubled family: Lakers vs. Celtics, the most reliably popular formula the NBA has to offer.

It's not a bad formula. People like it for a reason. Rajon Rondo has been playing absolutely inspired basketball and Kobe reached down into himself and found a way to tap into his own essence, somehow distilling himself into an even more potent brand of merciless assassin. The Finals will be a cold-blooded duel with plenty of brilliance on both sides, but considering all the curious, joyful, and ecstatically weird alternatives (Would anything be more fun than Cavaliers vs. Suns?), the idea of Celtics vs. Lakers leaves me feeling sad and underwhelmed: Instead of playful, high flying theater, we're going to get sneering ruthlessness efficiency. It's possible that no one on either team might smile the entire series. Mark Jackson might say that last sentence with glowing approval, but it just makes me feel terrible. I get the appeal of this match-up, I really do, but every time I think of the potential of one of the other possible Finals match-ups, I can't help but feel sad about all the seemingly more promising possibilities that were so cruelly dismissed by the single minded competitiveness of the Celtics and Lakers. We don't get to have any fun. We get killjoy vs. killjoy.

It's the Celtics vs. the Lakers: The All Killjoy Finals. It better be good.

My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball III: THE SECRET OF THE BOOZE

2010-06-02T00:44:00.003-04:00

SO IT RETURNS: After breaking down two first round match-ups between Chicago and Cleveland and Denver and Utah, my margarita-loving, nickname-giving, basketball-indifferent girlfriend has returned to sip sip sip and explain Game Six of the NBA's Western Conference Finals. It was a good one.

8:58 Time to GET BLOGGING. Phoenix town is making me dizzy; I don't really understand how I didn't notice this last time I watched them, but wow: that is a lot of orange. Orange in the stands. Orange on the sides. Orange on Goggles' bandaid. Orange on Steve Nash's skin. As everyone knows, orange is a color of power. I just made that up, but I think it is true. I predict a night of POWER for the Suns.

9:00 Kellen just reminded me that Goggles [Amar'e Stoudemire] is wearing his namesake goggles because he detached his retina last year. Thanks for making me want to claw out my own eyes forever [Anytime.].

9:03 Speaking of power, Kobe is radiating it. He doesn't need that orange. Those cheekbones could cut a man, or even men. Imagine a whole army felled by the Kobe's cheek-katanas. The Suns' Steve Nash also possesses razor-sharp cheekbones. Unfortunately for Steve Nash, no one will ever get close enough to find this out firsthand. Before we go any further, let me say a word about Steve Nash. Well, first, a word about myself. In my haphazard chronicling of the playoffs, I have discovered something about myself: I am an unfair lady with many unfounded opinions about NBA players. I'm sure that Patches is lovely. I am certain that the fearful bald giant of Cleveland has a mother who loves him very much [Agree to disagree.]. I have no doubt in my mind that the blond man-beast is an honest and diligent gentleman. That said, I am still a little frightened by all of them. Furthermore, I am uniquely unnerved by Steve Nash.

The first time I noticed him was in those dopey "NBA Cares" commercials. I'm always really relieved when one comes on and it's not another one with him in it. As someone who works with children, I'm just going to go ahead and say this even though I can't really justify it on any level: I would not leave a child alone with Steve Nash. Hell, I wouldn't even leave a group of children with Steve Nash. For possibly no reason other than the paranoia that apparently sets in when I drink and turn on TNT, I just have a bad feeling about him. Is he legitimately creepy? Maybe that's why they always use him for the slogan-saying part of these commercials instead of the actual "caring" part. I am sure he is nice and even delightful. All I'm saying is, your middle school friend's creepy dad was nice too [WHAT THE FUCK?]

9:05 Willy Wonka [Craig Sager] works for TNT and is explaining how the human knee works with the help of a big poster he must have snuck past the security guard.

9:09 One of the Lakers just got knocked down and hung around on the floor for a bit making sweat angels.

9:11 I really like the Suns, so no offence, Suns and Suns lovers, but I have to say it: I am convinced that they are the most awkward team in the NBA. Every time one of them loses the ball and the Lakers score, they just kind of walk away fake-casually like maybe no one saw it. We all saw it, y'all. The only exception to this is Steve Nash, who gives the impression of trying too hard: if the others are all middle school guys who try to get by unnoticed, he's the middle school guy who follows around all of the big dudes, bouncing on the balls of his feet and hoping that someone, anyone will ask him to stick around.

9:17 Suns 17 [Lou Amundson] just jumped up in the air and flailed around for a bit, knocking the ball away from a Laker. This was arguably an accident, and now he is repeating it again and again, apparently hoping that the ball will fly in the path of one of his unrestained limbs yet again.

9:19 It's not working, 17.

9:23 Nor is it a sound technique for making shots.

9:25 Apparently the Suns' Baby Dragon [...Goran Dragic] and the Lakers' Slovenian [Sasha Vujacic: THE MACHINE] have a big rivalry. This is so hard to believe. Baby Dragon is like a little duckling, but clumsier. Somehow he manages to keep scoring even as he skittishly darts around and falls to the ground after nearly every shot.

9:30 I think the Suns formed by magic when that fortune telling machine from Big just made a ragtag squad of 12 year-olds like seven feet tall. This explains pretty much everything, except why anyone would ever let a bunch of 12 year-olds hang out with Steve Nash. This makes Steve Nash's habits of harassing his teammates with his balls that much more disturbing.

9:32 The boringest famous people love this game! You know who Cindy McCain kind of looks like? Kobe Bryant. Kellen doesn't see it, but think about it. Think.

9:37 New Suns coaching strategy: offer them a pizza party. I think that will work. That always works with 12 year olds. Pizza party or no, Channing Frye just scored [THAT'S MY BOY!]. To answer the question I know he was asking in the moment just after: Yes, we all noticed. Yes, we are proud. You are sweet and good and we are very glad when you do especially well.

9:44 A Sun just let a ball Steve Nash threw fly right past him and off the court. Afterward he turned around a bit, like he was looking around for someone to blame. "Yeah, Steve, that was fucked up. Yeah, someone just let that get right past him... no idea where he went. Yeah." Stop it. WE ALL SAW YOU.

10:12 I think Steve Nash has officially taken over this team. Everyone else is trying to act like they came up with this idea. "Yeah, um, OK, Steve. Like we said, you get to score now. Yeah."

10:21 I wonder if the Suns ever stay up playing Halo and drinking Mountain Dew. Number 17 throws the controller down in frustration when he loses, and says the dirtiest curse word he knows. When Channing Frye wins, he smiles shyly. Sometimes his mom comes down the basement stairs with a tray of Bagel Bites for them all to share. Steve Nash came over a few times, but he was a little too creepy, and Mrs. Frye hinted that he probably shouldn't come around anymore.

10:26 Suns coach looks like he was about to cry. Maybe he's been too easy on these kids. Handing out airheads and jawbreakers for free throws during practice may have been a good short-term strategy, but it's not working now.

10:27 Kellen leaves to go get a beer,and when he comes back, he appears to be puzzled by the score.

K: Hey, what happened? Lakers are up by 14 now.
E: Yeah, they scored some.
K: ...
E: I'm just saying what I saw.

I assume this silence is only appreciation for my masterful commentary.

10:43 Baby Dragon just got slain! Lakers' Slovenian just elbowed him in his sweet face and he slowly fell backward, drifting like a fallen angel. Doves are crying.

10:47 Baby Dragon arises, better than before. He scores twice, each time looking absolutely stunned at the power his fall has unleashed deep within his timid soul. Baby Dragon is a baby no more.

10:50 They keep replaying his encounter with the other dude's elbow. It looks like Baby Dragon was just in the middle of a sweet warble when he was brutally knocked back. "Hey, my friends, would you have some cookies my mother ba-- UGHHHHH." He never saw it coming. If he hadn't just bloomed into full dragonhood, this would be kind of humiliating.

10:57 The Dragon formerly known as Baby Dragon makes a heroic shot... and misses. His wings are not yet unfurled. One day you will fly away, young one. For now, Goggles is here to score some points, just to make you forget. During the next time out, you talk. He is glad his retinas did not totally fall out, he says. Seeing you grow up is so amazing. I know you are a big dragon now, but you will always be Baby Dragon in his heart, he will tell you as he engulfs you in a manly, nurturing hug. In my heart too, my friend.

11:03 Down five with 4:45 to go, and Steve Nash is not in. I imagine he is off doing Tai Chi or some shit.

11:04 Nash in. "Just had to balance my aura, guys." Baby Dragon flutters his bent wings in a silent show of gladness.

11:07 Steve Nash: "I don't think Goggles will know that we are glad he just made those free throws unless I come up to the line and slap his ass." Good call, though I hope my ass is never within Steve Nash's slapping range. Meanwhile, Baby Dragon is crying the tears of the innocent.

11:13 I've refrained from mentioning this, but Kobe Bryant is the terrifying snake of my every nightmare [That is a fact.].

11:15 Kobe thinks he is a soaring eagle. He is wrong. Kobe, you may be flying now (OK, and in every other game), but dragons fly forever.

11:19 It's official. No pizza party for the Suns tonight. Steve Nash might offer to buy you guys pizza at his house, but your moms might not like that.

11:25 That's it. The power of orange was not power enough to propel the Suns into the finals. Dragons may fly forever, but this Baby Dragon's post-season is over. I can only speak for myself, and possibly for Goggles, but I'm looking forward to following his mystical flight into the next season and beyond. Don't worry, little one; all dragons have to start somewhere.

That was beautiful. Did you think it was beautiful? Leave Elizabeth a comment with your feelings about the best Slovenian rivalries and general thoughts on this incisive analysis.

Tall Guys Who Shoot Threes Round-Up

2010-05-11T00:37:00.007-04:00

So I know that my blossoming admiration of Channing Frye has caused my focus and priorities to shift a little bit. But here are the simple facts: 1) Channing Frye is just a cool dude who enjoys blogging and this blog in particular. 2) The tall man who shoots the three is the noblest of bench players and they shall be covered ceaselessly on this blog.

It has been brought to my attention, however, that my coverage has ignored a large number of super tall, doofy white dudes who shoot threes and are not Ryan Anderson. I apologize and will now attempt to make up for that.

Matt Bonner, "The Red Rocket", was recently undone by the superior play and blogging of Channing Frye. Frye's reliable play helped the Suns while Bonner's mercurial shooting and terrible defense helped to sink the Spurs. On the other hand, Matt Bonner's blog, Sandwich Hunter: The Quest for the Hoagie Grail, seems to pretty clearly be the second best NBA player blog by virtue of the name alone. As the name suggests, this is a blog about Matt Bonner going to a lot of sandwich shops. And although the name doesn't suggest it at all, this is also where Matt Bonner posts YouTube videos of Grizzly Bear and the Mountain Goats and posts about going to SXSW and meeting up with his "old friends Chris and David from the famed Gorilla vs. Bear music blog." So basically, Matt Bonner was that tall red-headed dude you met at freshman orientation for English majors.

Brian Scalabrine of the Boston Celtics is a lot like Matt Bonner in that he has red hair, is very tall, and loves coming off the bench to shoot threes. Here are some ways that they are different: While Matt Bonner loves indie rock and sandwiches, Brian Scalabrine loves real estate. While Matt Bonner seems to be beloved by his team-mates, Brian Scalabrine is not.

Troy Murphy presumably continues to haunt Thomas's dreams.

Brad Miller is busy working on various television projects. He is presumably hard at work on another season of the famed Brad Miller Show and preparing for his turn on hit Canadian-reality-man-on-a-horse-hunting-you show, "Mantracker". He hasn't let fame go to his head, though. Here is a video of Brad Miller just being Brad Miller: world-class athlete, television star, and a regular dude like you and me.

This has been the Love in the Time of Lebron Tall Guys Who Shoot Threes Round-Up.

In Praise Of Tall Guys Who Shoot Threes

2010-05-10T22:16:00.006-04:00

Let's compare some numbers, in this case, per-36 minutes adjusted stats for a few big dudes who shoot the three with some regularity.

Who? - Pts - Rebs - Blks - Stls - FG% - 3P%
A - 15.4 - 4.8 - 0.4 - 1.2 - 43.5% - 39.7%
B - 14.9 - 7.0 - 1.2 - 1.1 - 45.1% - 43.9%
C - 19.3 - 8.0 - 0.6 - 1.0 - 43.6% - 37.0%

Player B, as you have probably already guessed, is three-point marksman and super-nice-guy, Channing Frye, who it should be noted, is pretty much the best ever.

But, who then is Player A? He seems to be a little better at scoring, though with less efficient shooting and a big drop off in rebounding and blocks. All in all, about the same or worse than Channing, right? Well I would agree. He also happens to play for a play-off team. His name is Rashard Lewis.

Is that not interesting enough for you? How about this: Rashard Lewis is the ninth highest paid player in the NBA. He made about 19 million dollars this year, and is under contract to get a pay raise of about 1.5 million a year up through 2013. Channing Frye made 2 million dollars this year. He is scheduled to get a pay raise of $80,000 next year. Now go look back at the stats again.

The point is this: Channing Frye does the same things as Rashard Lewis at one tenth the price. That's value.

But, who is this mysterious Player C? This scoring and rebounding dynamo may be a slightly worse shot than Rashard and Channing, but he certainly brings a lot to the table, and for 1.3 million dollars this year, he's a bargain! Who is it? Why, it's none other than Rashard Lewis's back-up, Ryan Anderson! Look at the stats again. Now look at the contracts. If you are an Orlando fan, now is the appropriate time to wallow in some Rashard-Lewis based contract sadness.

Now cheer up! While you might not have invested wisely in Rashard Lewis and Channing Frye is happily busy with the Suns, you can rejoice in your Ryan Anderson-y future and all the fringe benefits he brings to the table. What fringe benefits you ask?

Well, who in the NBA can you count on for some solid pottery-painting time? No one but Ryan Anderson. No, seriously.

I love that.

Serious propers to Trey Kerby at Ball Don't Lie for bringing Ryan Anderson's weirdness to my attention. Let me send you off with some videos of Ryan Anderson nerding out with Brook Lopez while trick-or-treating and going to comic book conventions and saluting both of them for joining the all-geeky team with Marvin Williams, Danny Granger, and, of course, Channing Frye. Good job, nerds.

Consider Channing Frye

2010-04-27T21:04:00.006-04:00

In the fine tradition of closer looks at Danny Granger and Chris Kaman, Love in the Time of Lebron would like you to consider Channing Frye. You may know Channing Frye from his role-playing heroics as the jump-shooting center of the Suns who recently helped the Suns take a 3-2 lead against the Trailblazers. But what do you really know about Channing Frye? How does even one go about learning more about Channing Frye? Well you read his blog of course!

But, Kellen, I don't have time to read the blog of every bench player / occasional starter in the league? Well, that's what I'm here for. I've read about a year's worth of Channing Frye's blog, and I am prepared to announce that he seems like a pretty cool, easy-going and down-to-Earth guy and, honestly, like a dude who you'd want to hang out with. Or alternately, he kind of seems like dudes you already hang out with. I will present the evidence:

1. Channing Frye has a blog. It's not some slick affair designed to promote his side projects, but rather a charmingly simple yet aesthetically pleasing WordPress joint where he writes about his hobbies and family. It's basically really average for a blog, which, considering that Channing Frye is a millionaire NBA player, is actually extraordinary. He likes to post things like videos of his dog, pictures of dumb tattoos and some tilt-shift short that he thought was neat.

2. Channing Frye writes restaurant reviews and they are actually interesting and a little funny. He likes Noble Rot in Portland, commenting on the "a great mixed crowd: older hipster, parents with babies, newly 30s, yet still cool and in the know, and flat-out retirees". Of Chino Bandido in Phoenix, he writes, "People, it's CHINESE AND MEXICAN. Together. BOOM! That just happened." He also likes some sushi from time to time. Hey you guys, we like sushi and Mexican and Chinese fusion! Channing Frye is just like us!

3. Channing Frye's media tastes, generally rule. He thinks the funniest show on television is Eastbound and Down and can't wait for the second season to come out and really appreciated the dry humor of The Informant. Yep, you and Channing Frye would have a good time watching DVDs. "I would have to say I'm a bit of an action-sci-fi-comedy-kung fu movie enthusiast. The last movie that I'd have to say was legit and that I was pleasantly surprised by was Jet Li's first action movie, the Tai Chi Master dubbed in English (not a big deal)." You know what the best part about that is? How he wants to address your concerns about him watching the dubbed version instead of the subtitled one and let you know he isn't going to be snobby about it.

4. Channing Frye is a nerd. He brags about his World of Warcraft rig and watches anime. Maybe this makes him a little-less relatable than I've been arguing for, but it does take the edge off the whole millionaire and world-class athlete thing.

5. And about that: Channing does talk some about basketball occasionally, but does it in an introspective and humble way. I love his simple explanation of where his there-point shot suddenly and abruptly came from and how much he enjoys playing with Steve Nash (who, you may have heard, was MVP twice despite being ridiculous). All of this just contributes to a picture of Channing Frye as just a swell guy.

Long story short, on the basis of his blog, I like Channing Frye, and, ironically, it's not because he's awesome, but rather because he seems really well-adjusted and reasonably average. I can't help but think, reading his blog, that if I knew Channing Frye, I'd want to be friends with this average, slightly-nerdy dude; that this is what almost any one of my friends would be like if they were in the NBA.

In any case, I guess I'm a Channing Frye fan, and I hope that someday he and Danny Granger can be on the same team, shooting threes, eating fusion cuisine, and playing World of Warcraft.

UPDATE: Channing Frye really is the best. I am definitely a Channing Frye fan now.

Micro-consideration of Sun's roleplayer's blogs not your thing? Rather read the log of my drunk girlfriend's reactions to the NBA play-offs? Of course you would. Well, you are in luck.

My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball II: THE RECKONING

2010-04-26T01:14:00.005-04:00

I had a number of really juicy play-off posts, but why bother? I know what you want, dear readers: You want another installment of Elizabeth drinking wine and breaking down ball. So fine. Here you go. I hope this makes you happy. My notes, as is apparently my new custom, will be italicized and can be found lovingly tucked between square brackets.

It's been almost a week, but I'm back to watch basketball again. I've actually watched a little bit since, but didn't write. In one game I watched the other night, at one point Dwane Wade was rolling on the floor clutching his knee, his face contorted in pain. The commentator had some wise words: "He's in some discomfort right now." [Almost certainly Mike Breen] ESPN cut to some commercial with doofy white businessmen cracking wise on an airplane, then back to Wade, still prone on the floor. The other game featured a terrifying blond man-beast who scared me even more than the giant from last week. Both of these things made me too uncomfortable to continue.

However! I've overcome all this just to cover the fourth Jazz-Nuggets matchup, even though I nearly got locked out of my house just before this and I accidentally caught a bit of the Spurs-Mavericks game while waiting, which means I saw the Beast, which means I'll surely have hideous nightmares tonight. Sacrifice, y'all. As of 9:46 p.m., though, it seems as if my wait is nearly over, and I will soon watch the two most-stupidly named teams in the NBA face off in Utah. ANYWAY. Time for some BASKETBALL.

9:51 Points already! Drinking and typing tends to distract me from the matter at hand, which is that two of our fine Nuggets are wearing long yellow sleeves (OK, one sleeve apiece) that don't quite reach their shoulders. Not knowing any single thing about who they are or what's going on with the Nuggets, I declare them Players to Watch. No word yet if they got the sleeves at the same place the Avril Lavinge girls at my high school got theirs, or if they actually got one pack of two sleeves and are sharing them in sort of the NBA equivalent of a split-heart BFF necklace.

They go shopping together.

9:54 One sleeve guy just passed to the other! I think the BFF theory is true.

9:58 Some scary dude just pretty much flew into another dude, claws out, toothy maw wide open. There was no explaination of this, except for the name "Boozer," which surely isn't real. TNT cut to a bunch of commercials (surprise: dorky white dudes!) right after this, which only can lead me to assume that they cut away lest at-home viewers be disturbed by the bloody cannibalistic mauling that surely followed. After learning about a number of fine products that dudes can buy to feel better about their lives, we're back at the game, and the crowd seems unshaken. They must be used to this in Utah.

10:03 One of the Brothers of the Sleeve is Carmelo Anthony, who I have heard of! What Kellen neglected to tell me is that this man is surrounded by a powerful force field; a guy from the Jazz just got thrown backwards through the air as Anthony approached the goal. Godlike! No word on whether his BFF also possesses mystical strengths [Whoops. Never got to that in the team previews. My bad.]. They are just passing back and forth to each other like crazy, though. Do you think the other players get jealous when they show up at practice with matching nail polish and little framed photos of them chilling at the mall or pool together? They're both wearing headbands, too. Don't rub it in, guys.

10:23 After some dude jumps in front of one of the Nuggets, knocking the ball out of his hand: "Now that's a playoff foul right there." What does that mean? It's a real skillful foul? In a playoff of fouls, it would go far? [He means a really hard foul. Reggie loves hard fouls. Or at least the idea of them.]

10:29 OK, Mauler is back, and apparently Boozer really is his name. That shot was pretty majestic, majestic enough that they showed it like three times in increasingly slow slo-mo. Also, one of the commentators noted that he's off to a "great start." Is halfway through the second quarter still the "start?"

10:32 The Nuggets' assistant coach TNT keeps showing looks like your friend's dad who is always pissed off but pretends (with a tightly clenched jaw and narrowed eyes) that he is so goddamn happy to have you over for dinner yet again and that he generally doesn't hate his life and everyone in it. He shouldn't look so mad! Denver is still behind, and even when they score it looks like they did it by accident. Actually, I just take that back: Smith just scored (even though he had to miss once before he got it in) so gracefully that a weird blond guy with too many tattoos slapped him lovingly on the butt afterwards [Chris "Birdman" Anderson]. That's something I can't unsee [Try this].

10:44 Only one sleeve is still on the court, but he just scored. Imagined thought: "I'm dong this for us." Also, I'm kind of frustrated by how one of the Denver players just did a beautiful one-handed shot just now... during a time out. Can you please do that when you can actually get some points? I feel like this happens during every single game and it always drives me nuts. OK, we get that you are capable of majesty, sir. Totally useless majesty.

10:48 The Nuggets coach is yelling at a player, and in the background, a chubby boy with one of the best seats in the arena is slowly unfolding and refolding a piece of paper accordion-style. Behind him, a girl is texting. I see myself in those children.

10:58 What the hell is up with these Avatar commercials? First, there was the thing where the players got distracted by Avatar playing on the jumbotron ("Forget the game, y'all, I think Jake Sully's about to connect with the life tree"), now this: "Return to Pandora now... and witness the drama of the NBA playoffs on TNT?" How are these things related? [Trust me when I say that it's better than last year when they tried to promote that Jack Black / Michael Cera caveman movie] Unless there is an Avatar sequel where aged basketball players get young, lissome avatars that allow them to school a team full of young and rowdy smart-asses, I don't get the connection. Actually, now that I think of it, if you replace the young players with (equally smart-ass) aliens, I think this could be the perfect opportunity for the Space Jam / Avatar crossover I've been waiting for. When this gets made, someone owes me a lot of money.

Also, Charles Barkley is a freak [You have no idea]. On Krispy Kreme doughnuts: "When you're driving, your car just go there! I'm serious! Baby, they melt in your mouth."

11:18 Second half, and the sleeve brothers are BACK. How can things not get better for Denver? Answer: some Jazz guy just made a majestic shot from far away [C. J. Miles. When did he get so good?]. In response, a Denver guy with little baby braids [Nene] did a shot where the ball basically rolled leisurely around the entire rim of the basket before toppling off. If that's what he was going for, then well-played. However, if that is what he was going for, it is unsurprising that Denver is 14 points behind.

11:25 More commercials. Coors clearly thinks that if they advertise during every single game of the playoffs, people will eventually buy the "banquet beer" thing. They are mistaken. Ditto for Taco Bell and the tortada as a real food.

11:33 There is no better use for the replay than showing two players crashing into each other over and over again. If this were the game I watched last week, a comical "BOIIIIING" sound effect would have played just now. As I was typing this, yet another Jazz player fall backwards and down as if repelled by an invisible but potent force. It appears that Carmelo Anthony (possibly with the help of his sleeve twin) has extended the power of his force field over his entire team. Sadly, this may be too little, too late. Speaking of Carmelo, I like to imagine that somewhere, his mother is wishing that he would shave off that stupid tuft of hair under his chin. I don't know who told you that was a beard, but they were probably just sucking up.

11:38 That seemed to be a pretty blatant foul on ole Boozer. Denver, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to just grab someone around the waist. Well, only if you love him very, very much. Speaking of fouls, a guy tumbles smack into the bottom of the goal and it's just "a good old playoff foul." I still don't get what this means. Do they just let awesome examples of violence slide during the playoffs, just cuz? If it looks cool enough on a replay, is it okay?

11:44 Carlos Boozer's favorite book, according to a clip of him reading to schoolchildren: I Can Be Anything. Carmelo Anthony's favorite book, judging by his affinity for matching friendship clothing: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

12:04 Somewhat exciting things since the last time I wrote: even though Carmelo appears to be on the bench, his friend is doing okay and the Jazz's lead is only 11 points. Denver keeps narrowing this for like five seconds, then Utah scores. Come on, y'all. Can you score twice in a row for once? The other team seems to do it all the time. Denver scores beautifully and the difference is now 8 points. Someone fouled, and even though he wasn't involved, I bet the Nugget who was inexplicably crouched on the floor like a frog feels kind of embarrassed that they caught that on camera and replayed it a few times. AIN'T NO RULE SAY THE FROG CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL. [Actually covered under a late 90's rule provision: the "Air" Bud rule. ]

12:23 Carmelo is back, if he was ever gone. Also, they cut to the crowd, and THERE ARE TWO TERRIFYING NEON APES CHEERING FOR UTAH. Who does that? "Oh, you know, just a little something I thought I'd wear to the game... look, honey, I even got you a matching one!" The game's over now, and I feel like Denver could have used more support from people in brightly colored apesuits tonight. Sorry, guys. You always got me.

Portrait of the author

That's it for tonight. I hope you had fun. I'll see you again soon. Remember, next time will be the game that determines whether Kellen's prophecy that I could only get through two full games will come true or not, so I hope I have your support in my attempt to buck fate. Until then, be good, don't drink too much, and stay far, far away from guys who look like this.

There you go. Did you like that? Second time just as good? Leave your thoughts in the comments as well as your suggestion for what game Elizabeth should cover next. It's like NBATV's fan night but with more boxed wine and Google image searches!

The Case For And Against the Charlotte Bobcats

2010-04-21T02:05:00.004-04:00

The Charlotte Bobcats are possibly the weirdest team in the NBA. They are, certainly, the weirdest team in the playoffs. Watching them play isn't particularly joyful: They win by being tough, shutting teams down on defense, and frankly, not giving a fuck. Actually, let me parse that better. In some sense, the Warriors, Wizards, and, about once in every two to five quarters, the Nuggets don't give a fuck. In this sense, I mean that these teams are apathetic about winning, trying hard, or really anything other than getting paid at the end of the day. That's not the case with the Bobcats: they really care about the way they play, their effort on either end, and all that business. When I say they don't give a fuck, I mean they don't give a fuck about you. The Bobcats don't play for the benefit of their fans. They are indifferent to their following, small though it may be. They don't play to the cameras. They wouldn't care if the games were played in empty gyms. And, to be truthful, that's basically what they did more than a few times at home. Did you see Gerald Wallace at the dunk contest this year? I don't think he actually rolled his eyes, but that was the gist of his performance. The Bobcats just don't give a fuck who you are. They are going to play their game, and often win. Dwight Howard? Whatever, we are going at them. Lebron James? Beat him three out of four times anyway, so what of it? It's not clear if the Bobcats even care about winning any games in the playoffs; you get the impression that they wouldn't hate it, but that they aren't going to try to prove themselves or make a statement or make any of the other desperate-seeming gestures that other new-to-the-playoffs-teams, like the Thunder, have embraced.

The Bobcats are just too freaky to bother with that bullshit. I was going to write a breakdown about how all the pieces of the Bobcats came together and how this team of cast-offs, under-appreciated gems, malcontents, and spare parts reached the play-offs. However, Shoals and Ziller did a better job of this than I would have anyway, so I suggest you read that.

All that said, there is a fairly compelling case for wholeheartedly rejecting the Bobcats:

My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball

2010-04-20T00:30:00.005-04:00

The playoffs are long and I am, on occasion, busy. But don't despair: We got you covered. I'd like to unveil a new feature of this blog: My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball. My very sweet girlfriend offered to cover the games tonight for me while I did a radio show. Elizabeth is really smart and funny, but she has not watched more than a few incidental seconds of an NBA game before. This will be fun.

9:30 GUYS. It's a basketball game. Chicago-Cleveland game number... one? It's their first match-up, right? The playoffs just only started, so this seems like it's probably a safe assumption to make [Ed. note: Nope.]. I am excited enough about this, because the Bulls are a team I have heard of. In fact, I have not only heard of them, but I have heard of them for years. Thanks, Michael Jordan, for being so famous that even the sports-phobic child of parents who have probably never watched an entire non-college game of any sport in their long lives knew about you and your team as a child. I won't pretend that this isn't like 97% due to Space Jam.

I'm starting my report a little late, because I was off enjoying some box wine and got distracted, BUT it looks like I came into the Chicago-Cleveland game just in time. It's the third... quarter? (Third? I thought this was only in halves? Though I am aware that something can contain both halves and quarters) and my new favorite player from the Bulls (read: the only one I've noticed yet), just put the ball in the hoop at a short distance and made it so the Bulls were not losing anymore. They said his name but I was so caught up in the moment that I did not hear it, so I think I'm going to call him Patches, in honor of the fact that he is less talented at growing facial hair than he is at basketball stuff (I'm not judging, because I'm equally unskilled at both). So, way to go, Patches. He's wearing the number 13, so I suppose I could find out his name, but my absolute ignorance of what's going on is what makes this game so mysterious and exciting to me [Ed. note: It's Joachim Noah. He gets that oil.].

9:35 OK, bad news for Patches: Cleveland scored while I was lost in his dull, lifeless eyes, and I think he just got shoved by... Shaq? I wasn't aware Shaq was still playing. Isn't he like a million years old? Also, more important things have come up: I am pretty sure someone from the Addams family grew up to join Cleveland, because they just played the theme song. Maybe the guy with the luscious hair? In other "musical" news: someone, somewhere keeps starting the "We Will Rock You" clap, but no one you can see on TV is even moving. Who is even doing that? Y'ALL: no one can see you doing that. You can cancel the "wave", too, if that was in order.

9:42 Also: Lebron is on one of these teams? This raises the number of players I've heard of to two. I feel torn now, because I think I like him and I think he's also with the Cavaliers, who I was less excited about just because I only have recently become aware of their existence. The only thing going for the Bulls right now is Patches, and it appears that Cleveland has its own Patches. Number 17? [Ed. note: Anderson Varejao] I need a close up to see if he'll suffice as my Cleveland Patches should I decide to cheer for them.

9:51 The score is still close, 77-76, Chicago. I just noticed that Cleveland has a terrifying bald giant who can't even put the ball in the hoop even though he pretty much has to bend over at the waist to touch the hoop [Ed. note: Zydrunas Ilgauskas]. Too low for you, buddy? He's doing some free throws and I just realized: he doesn't have any armpit hair. It's official: he will haunt my nightmares forever.

9:56 OK, it is quarters, and we're entering the fourth. 77-77! A tie! This could go either way, and I do mean either way, since I have no idea what is going on. As far as I can tell, they are pretty evenly matched, if not in ability, in their love for slowly scoring points one by one then letting the other team score a few before resuming their own scoring.

9:58 What is up with this music? I can't tell whether this is something only for TV or if it's also playing in the arena or what. It's really clear and tinny and seemingly disconnected from everything else going on in the arena. Like, did Shaq just hear that "Mario growing bigger" noise that sounded when someone made a free throw, or was that just to let people like me know that, yes, the score is growing bigger? I like to imagine that this isn't planned at all, but that one of the commentators got a new cellphone and is just hanging out behind that table trying out all of the ringtones while his colleagues are doing their jobs. "Listen, guys, 'La Cucharacha!'"

10:04 I think I like Cleveland more and more, and not just because they are winning. One of their players has been making pretty much every jump a freak-show jumping jack. Everyone else on the court: tense posture, eyes on the ball. This guy: loose as hell and doing aerial toe-touches. [Ed. note: I have no clue who this is.]

10:08 The commentators just said that they're seeing fantastic defense at both ends, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Patches straight up miss two shots in a row. Unless Cleveland's defense involves some sort of dark magic that shifts the hoop imperceptibly when people are trying to get the ball in it [Ed. note: Incidentally, that actually is my theory], I don't know if that was the best-timed compliment. I get that the other guys on the team are doing stuff I don't even understand, like blocking his view or keeping him from getting in a good place or just scaring him or something, but as far as I could tell, everyone was just kind of standing back and watching, like, "There goes old Patches, doing whatever it is he does." [Ed. note: I don't know how much clearer I can be: Joachim Noah gets that oil.]

10:14 Two free throws for Patches. It's too late for me and him, though I will admit that his look-alike playing for Cleveland is no match. Actually, it's not even Patches this guy reminds me of by this point: I think I just found out what happened to Justin Guarini after From Justin to Kelly.

10:24 Ten point difference. Now the people in view of the camera are moving... all waving their handkerchiefs, or something suspiciously handkerchief-like. What is this? Are basketball fans the last people to resist Kleenex? Like, to resist it for so many years? I realize I should start talking about what's going on, but I am just so confused by every single thing that's happening that I can't really focus on the important confusing things. [Ed. note: God, how drunk were you?]

10:32 Confession: prior to watching this game, I drank about four or five glasses of wine [Ed. note: Oh.]. Over the course of this game, I surrounded myself and my writing station with more and more pillows. Over the course of the last few minutes of the game, I (kinda accidentally) laid down and (also accidentally) closed my eyes and fell asleep for a few minutes and started to dream I was locked in a terrifying cellar made of dirt and roots guarded by Patches and that terrifying bald giant. Good news: I wasn't, and my first sight upon waking was the reassuring sight of Lebron James being interviewed. That felt good and he was wearing a nice towel on his neck. Bad news: I missed the end of the game. But apparently no one scored, so that's OK, right? Right?

That's it. Shaq? Didn't do as much as I would expect from one of the four or five basketball players whose name I knew before about six months ago, but then again, the man's kind of old. And Lebron scored 40 points, but I think I might have been boozin' and typing every time he had the ball. Oops. He looks good with a towel on his neck, though.

Oh man, I am terrible at this.

Right now the Denver-Utah game is on and I can't even watch. Denver and Utah: I'll give y'all another chance later, even though you have the dumbest names ever, and for some reason, the arena where you are playing has a giant sign that says, "AMAZING IS BELIEF." (I'm not sure what that means. I'm really not sure if that's even English.) For tonight, though, I'm done. If Kellen's predictions are to be believed, that means one game down, one and a half to go before I give up on the playoffs forever. We'll see if that's true, and more importantly, we'll see how much longer I can blog about basketball before Kellen becomes totally disillusioned and dumps me. Goodnight, everyone. Basketball is magic.

Wonderful. Did you guys like that? I liked that. This should be a regular feature, right? I think so. Post your encouragement in the comments.

The Shotgun Oracle: 2010 NBA Playoffs

2010-04-16T22:53:00.001-04:00

Playoffs start on Saturday and there are a lot of predictions flying through the air about what is going to happen. People are feverishly picking the winners of each round, series, and, indeed, the whole shebang. Here's the sad part about these predictions: Most people aren't going to get it right. There's just too many possibilities for the playoffs and, admittedly, the targets are moving. However, I have developed an award winning system for predicting future events, and, specifically, future professional basketball events: The Shotgun Oracle The Shotgun Oracle harnesses the power of advanced statistics, scouting reports, runic magic, druidic auguries, and wildly throwing out basically every conceivable outcome to come up with accurate predictions of the future. Pioneered at Delphi, but then really developed by Nostradamus, this tactic of throwing out a ton of different guesses and praying one comes true is the new sensation that should make Love in the Time of Lebron your first stop when it comes to basketball prognostication. So let's see what glimpses of the future we can find! To the metaphorical sheep entrails!

The Cavaliers will win the championship. Lebron James is unstoppable in his best year yet, and now that he has help from the Big Nickname and Antawn Jamison, what could stand in his way?
The Cavaliers will be upset. Lebron's rust, Mo William's vanishing act and the Big Senior Citizen will all prove to be deciding factors when the favorites slip up again.
Sun's inability to speak English will play a key part in the struggle for control of the Island.
Rasheed Wallace will get a technical foul for arguing with a referee.
The Lakers will win the championship. Kobe Bryant is an assassin, and the Lakers are the most loaded team in all of basketball. Too much talent to lose.
The Lakers will be not win the championship. Kobe will shoot them out of a game, Artest doesn't know what to do, and Pau Gasol is simply too neck-bearded.
The Hurt Locker will win Best Picture at the Oscars.
The Magic will win the championship. Their team is perfectly built around Dwight Howard and all the players know their role in Stan van Gundy's system.
The Magic will not win the championship. Any team that requires Vince Carter, Rashard Lewis, and Dwight Howard to assert themselves in critical moments is doomed.
Phil Jackson will play mind games with opposing teams
Tim Duncan will protest a call.
The Mavericks will win the championship. Dirk is as clutch as it gets in the closing minutes of any game and the salvaged pieces of Washington add more firepower to an already super-talented team.
The Mavericks will not win the championship. Because I mean, really c'mon, did you honestly think they were the best team in the league at any point this year?
You will woke up one morning and just feel exhausted. It will be like you didn't get any sleep at all, though you won't remember waking up in the middle of the night or anything.
30 Rock won't be nearly as funny as you remembered it being a couple years ago.
The Hawks will win the championship. The stone-cold guard tandem of Joe and Jamal and the freaky-talented forward tandem of Josh and Al is impossible for any team to effectively match up against.
The Hawks will not win the championship. Their limited offensive repertoire, poor coaching, and reliance on Joe Johnson is simply not enough to go all the way.
The average temperature in the Northern Hemisphere will rise.
Fidel Castro will die.
The Suns will win the championship. You had forgotten how good Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire can be when flanked with quality role players and playing at lightning speed.
The Suns will not win the championship. If this team was going to win, wouldn't they have done it already?
You will get a hair-cut.
Charles Barkley will be ridiculed by Kenny Smith on TNT.
At least three pairs of people will debate whether Stan van Gundy looks more like porn's Ron Jeremy or Ninendo's Mario.
The Celtics will win the championship. They Big Three are older, but Perkins and Rondo have more than made up for any loss of ground by KG, Allen, and Pierce.
The Celtics will not win the championship. Boston is too old, too hurt, and has a terrible coach and even worse chemistry.
The season finale of Lost will be surprising and mind-blowing in some ways, but ultimately be unsatisfying.
President Obama will finally make a clear move towards changing the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
The Nuggets will win the championship. Carmelo's days of secret superstardom end when Denver's speed, athleticism, and skill overruns their stunned opponents.
The Nuggets won't win the championship. They are too undisciplined and out-of-sync these days and the absence of George Karl truly changed the character of the team.
Kobe Bryant will play through an injury and be lauded for his toughness.
You will enjoy some Mexican food.
I will drink too much and regret it.
The Heat will win the championship. Dwyane Wade is amazing, and frankly, you've been sleeping on the Heat all season and should be embarrassed.
The Heat will not win the championship. Dwyane Wade is one man.
The more you learn about Justin Bieber, the weirder you feel.
The Jazz will win the championship. Deron Williams was the best point guard in the league this year and surrounded by supporting players, that's enough.
The Jazz will not win the championship. The loss of Andrei Kirilenko derails the success of the Jazz on both ends of the floor.
Lebron James is actually the smoke monster on Lost.
Merrick B. Garland will emerge as the front-runner to be the nominee for the Supreme Court.
You will need to wash your towels.
The Bucks will win the championship. People will finally come around to Salmons, fall in love with Brandon Jennings, and retroactively deify Bogut.
The Bucks will not win the championship. The Bucks have been a mediocre team all year and losing their best player in Bogut is a death blow.
There will be an earthquake.
The Trailblazers will win the championship and become the gritttiest winning-in-face-of-adversity-and-injury NBA team of all time.
The Trailblazers won't win the championship. The loss of superstar Brandon Roy is simply too much for a team that's already lost so many players.
My girlfriend will watch two games during the playoffs and give up during the third.
There will be a major break-through in the development of pharmaceuticals to treat depression.
The Bobcats will win the championship and prove once and for all that defense, and defense alone, wins championships.
The Bobcats will not win the championship. You can't win basketball without any offense beyond Stephen Jackson.
The US and EU will do some economic something-or-other. Jobs. Inflation. Whatever.
There will be a new movie announced based on a beloved story from your childhood.
You'll see Donald Sutherland at the grocery store.
The Spurs will win the championship because that's all the do.
The Spurs will not win the championship because they are really old. They ought to change their team name to the Mummys!
You will overhear two middle-aged women talking about how "gorgeous" the weather is.
The Bulls will win the championship. Derek Rose is a genius, and when Noah was hurt, you forget how good he is at getting that oil.
The Bulls will not win the championship. The Raptors almost beat them for the last play-off spot.
Ice-T will threaten a drive-by via Twitter.
Brad Miller and Trey Kerby will appear on the popular Canadian television series, Manhunter.
I will ignore baseball.
The Thunder will win the championship. Kevin Durant is too good and his team plays beside him nearly perfectly.
The Thunder will not win the championship. Teams this young don't win championships, especially when dudes named Nenad start at center.
You'll listen to that one album that meant a lot to you as a teenager. You know the one.

The Moment I Realized This Blog Was Ridiculous

2010-04-13T19:39:00.003-04:00

... was the moment I discovered how to make my own Google Search Story. The disastrous (and forbidden and occult) result, here and embedded below.

Thomas Dreams About Being Lebron's Nanny

2010-04-11T19:33:00.002-04:00

Today, we have another entry from the subconscious of Very Special Dream Correspondent Thomas. You may remember his dream about getting in a hot tub with Derek Fisher, the one where he talks to Troy Murphy about his venereal disease, and the one where he uncovers Dwyane Wade's propensity for human sacrifice. You know how we love dreams about basketball players, so I happily send this Freudian delight on to you, dear reader. If you'd like to submit your own dream, email me at loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

SPAKE THOMAS:

This started like a normal dream: I'm at dinner with some grad student friends. Our drinks just came, but before I can take a sip, my boss texts me. This is normal, I tell my dream self, because my boss is Lebron James, and I am nanny to his children.

Apologizing for having to leave, I depart, but apparently everyone knows this happens a lot (there was a weird sense of me watching myself, saying "these people should not be acting this way because this is not my life"). Lebron Junior apparently wants to have a playdate, thus am I summoned. On the way to the Casa del Rey (that's what I called it!) I am accosted by a busload of Duke fans. We start talking trash, but then they shut up because Lebron has come to the street to tell me the specifics of his son's wishes. Lebron tells them to say "hey" to Coach K, then nods me inside.

Once in the house, I walk over to the crib where his newborn daughter is (I don't know if this is accurate) and pick her up. We move to the kitchen and I begin to make a bottle while Lebron gives me the details of his son's party. Something to do with basketball, predictably. Anyway, Lebron departs to go play, Junior's friends come over and leave, then I teach Junior how to play chess. This is how Lebron finds us when he returns, hunched over a chessboard, me with a baby on my lap bottle feeding her. He pays me cash, and I wake up.

On the 2010 College Basketball National Champions

2010-04-10T15:23:00.004-04:00

As you might have heard, Duke won the National Championship this year. At first, I felt okay about this: Good on them. As much fun as UNC had kicking their ass up and down the ACC during the Hansbrough years, it's ultimately good that they win some of the time. Duke winning the National Championship is ultimately good for the health and prestige of the rivalry with UNC. I'm happy to admit that, and happy that the rivalry is now even more important.

Speaking of which, I already love Reggie Bullock, Kendall Marshall, and Harrison Barnes on account of some of their trash talking and goofing around at the McDonald's All-American game. They get the rivalry and I love it. Part One and Part Two of DraftExpress's video of the trash talking below, though for what it's worth, if you only watch one, Part Two is the way to go.

Love it.

Bonus rivalry materials: Here's the best profile of Coach K that's ever been written. It's fairly sympathetic, definitely insightful, and honest. Read it if you haven't.

Here is something more noxious: A Duke fan explains the "greatness" of having a white basketball team, the joy of being white man cheering for his white team, and what he feels most simply be the jealousy of other schools who deep in their hearts wish they were in the same situation: glorious white on white action.

Here's a fun quote:

Carolina's Dean Smith, Krzyzewski's arch-nemesis for years, is often credited with leading the drive for racial integration in the state of North Carolina by recruiting black athletes in the '60s. Coach K has achieved much the opposite in creating a singular program in which Anglo-Saxons and Europeans stand tall once again in the game that James Naismith invented.

If you want to vomit, click here to read the article at Alternative right.

Apropos of absolutely nothing, here's a clip from the Daily Show about the attempts to form an all-white basketball league.

Steve Nash Was MVP Twice in a Row

2010-04-07T23:31:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, like tonight, when I'm watching the Suns play, or watching videos on the Internet, or even eating shrimp tacos, I think about how weird it is that Steve Nash was MVP in the NBA for two years in a row. Steve Nash. MVP. Twice in a row. That's weird, not because Steve Nash is a bad basketball player; he is, in fact, rather good. It's because Steve Nash is a stone cold freak. Let's go to the tape:

Lebron was MVP last year. Kobe, the year before. Before that, Steve Nash. Twice.

I still have a hard time believing it myself.

Lakers Busting Mack Even In Your Dreams

2010-04-06T20:02:00.003-04:00

Probably some more UNC stuff to come, but for now, let's switch back to NBA mode. Which, for this blog, means I share with you the creepy basketball dreams my buddy Thomas has. I thought I was sufficiently disturbed by the thing about Tyler Hansbrough, Troy Murphy and venereal disease, but Thomas gives Freud and Love in the Time of Lebron readers some more delightful psychosexual weirdness to chew on.

SPAKE THOMAS:

So, a girlfriend and I (it was unclear who it was. . .no, really!) broke into the Lakers' locker room, and started rampantly humping in the rehab-therapy part of the facility, with the hot-tub and big-ass yoga ball playing important roles. It was fun, until I look up and Pau Gasol and Derek Fisher are standing there in their towels looking at us, then shrug, de-robe, and get into the hot-tub. Needless to say, looking at a naked Pau was enough for me to lose my mojo. Then she looked back at me (yeah that's right!) and asked, "What happened? Geez!" before my snooze alarm rang, thankfully.

Yikes. Some hack bloggers would try to tie this in to Hot Tub Time Machine. But a hack-ier and lazier blogger would simply reference the possibility without finding even a slightly clever way to work that in.

Send your dreams about sexual embarrassment and the Los Angeles Lakers or any other sort of basketball dreams to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

Game Recap: UNC vs. Dayton

2010-04-02T23:55:00.003-04:00

So there's the season.

I feel fine with this.

Dayton didn't pitch a shut-out, and we managed to shoot over 40%, but we lost because of well, what was that thing I said?

One of the keys to Dayton's defense is getting the defensive rebound. They really excel at this and are one of the nation's very best at keeping the offensive rebounds out of their opponents hands. However, if there is one thing that UNC does, it's snag offensive rebounds.

Dayton won that war. This season, UNC was able to get an unbelievable 38.9% of our misses. It's been a key weapon in our somewhat limited arsenal, and it was the only reason (besides poor officiating) that we beat Rhode Island. Dayton held us to an offensive rebounding percentage of 22.9%. When ever a team can cut the thing the other team does best to half of it's normal efficacy, they stand a good chance of winning.

Besides Dayton's success at defensive rebounding, we also lost because of that hallmark of the 2009-2010 UNC Men's Basketball Offense: Pure impotence. Marcus, John, and Dexter all posted next to nothing in the scoring department, and joined the rest of the team in a half-assed defensive effort that saw the Flyers shooting 48.3% from the line. It's hard to win games when the other team shoots at a nearly 50% clip and half your rotation shows a nearly pathological aversion to scoring. So there's that.

What else? The brillance of Will Graves. He's played some terrible games in the NIT, but as we I mentioned after the UAB game:

Yeah, Graves [and McDonald] kept putting up bricks, but you know, we live with those so that we can enjoy the games where they don't miss.

This was one of those games, and arguably the finest game of Will Graves career. His scoring was unstoppable and, in Will Graves fashion, he found other ways to contribute: Mainly, by continuing his dirty streak he started with the trip in the Rhode Island game with a ridiculously hard shove against a player trying to set a pick. The player crashed into his teammate and apparently crushed a nice chunk of his buddy's groin. He lay on the floor writhing in agony while his coach yelled for Graves to get called for a foul. Real classy, Will, especially considering that this play seemed to help rally the Flyers to regroup and play with purpose against us.

On the other hand, Will did make a lot of threes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present our senior leadership for 2010-2011.

Finally, on the Year-of-Sucking weakness tracker, I feel obliged to note that Larry Drew, our starting point guard, turned the ball over six times, and the whole team managed to shoot 53.3% from the free throw line. That's right, free throws and turnovers. Again.

Whatever. The season's over. Big UNC season retrospective and looks to the future forthcoming. Also, now that college basketball is over (as far as I really care), look for me to resume way too much NBA silliness.

Scouting Report: Dayton

2010-04-01T15:55:00.006-04:00

The NIT Championship Game. This is not something I foresaw at the beginning of the season, the middle of the season, or even the beginning of the NIT. So here we are.

You know what? I'm excited. You know this 4-0 win streak ties the best of the season for UNC? It's true. We are a whole new team, and I'm glad to see us play. The wins haven't been all that pretty, but damn if we aren't winning. It's the most fun and excitement that the team has had all season. Is that kind of sad? Maybe. Who cares? It's fun and I'm still excited. Will I rush Rosemary? Probably not, but I love how the fans have gotten behind the NIT. Sort of.

Here's some fun facts about the NIT run: We have been shooting 25.8% from three-point land all tournament long. Deon, once our free-throw shooting champion, has been the worst from the charity stripe in the NIT, shooting 42.1%. We are still winning. Weird, huh? Just thought you should know.

Here's an actual fun fact: Deon Thompson will set the NCAA record for most college games played by a player. Ever. That's weird, but definitely impressive. I don't know how long the record will stand, but I look forward to the fact that when people try to look up this odd little record they will see Deon's name. For at least a while, he has made a mark an individual mark on college basketball history that extends beyond his team's accomplishments. It's a record that doesn't care about wins or skills. It goes to the guy who shows up the most and keeps playing the longest. I can't imagine anything more appropriate for Deon.

Okay, time to scout Dayton: They are a good team. Ken Pomeroy and his magic numbers think they are really good, particularly on defense. Like, really really good. He ranks them as the seventh best defensive team in the nation. For reference, sixth is Butler, and I understand they are playing well in some other sort of basketball tournament. They succeed on defense by forcing bad shots, holding down opponents field goal percentage, and nabbing defensive rebounds like nobody's business.

Defense is the story for Dayton, and that's how they win games. Their offense is fairly mediocre, Ken Pomeroy ranking them as the 93rd most efficient in the country. How mediocre is that really? Well, UNC is 96th, so that should give you an idea. So what we are looking at is a defensive slugfest. However, we may have an edge.

One of the keys to Dayton's defense is getting the defensive rebound. They really excel at this and are one of the nation's very best at keeping the offensive rebounds out of their opponents hands. However, if there is one thing that UNC does, it's snag offensive rebounds. Offensive rebounding and bad officiating are how we beat URI, and since we can't count on terrible referees, let's concentrate on the rebounds. Seriously, it's the only reason we were even in that last game.

And that's about it. We just have to play our game, hope for another stellar defensive game and try to find a way to score some points. There's some evidence that suggests that Dayton fouls too much and that taking it inside and drawing the foul is particularly effective against them, but we were going to do that anyway right? Beyond that, the plan is the same as it's been for a while now: try to win the turnover battle and try to win the rebound battle and hope that will make up for our inconsistent shooting.

This is it: the last game of the season, and there's nothing special to be done. This is our team for better or worse and this season, we win through luck and hard-scrabble, ugly play. We can probably count on the ugly, now let's hope for the luck. I'm excited, optimistic, and already content. This wasn't the season I wanted , but it will do. I'm happy for Marcus and Deon for taking us on this last little tour, arguably meaningless, though it may be.

Game Recap: UNC vs. URI

2010-04-01T09:57:00.003-04:00

If I told you that this game was super fast-paced and that it went to overtime, you might be under the impression that this was a good game. To that all I can say is... well, um, we won? Roy, what do you have to say about this?

"I feel badly that the game ended like that," said Roy Williams, who told his team afterward that sometimes it helps to be lucky.

Yeah.

Long story short, this was a sloppy game full of missed shots, turnovers, and blown dunks. At the end, there were some calls and no-calls that went UNC's ways, and that made a difference, because, looking at the numbers, it's hard to see how we won.

We shot 34.9% from the field, 11.8% from three, and 50.0% from the free throw line. Rhode Island got more steals than us. They got more blocks than us. They shot better than us (35.8%, 25.0%, 66.7%; still terrible, still better). We won. How?

Well, if I had written a scouting report, here's what I would have told you about URI (via Ken Pomeroy): They never turn the ball over (better at this than all the other teams I've said never turn the ball over), they have a great offense, and a mediocre defense, and make their money on fast-break points. I also would have pointed to their most glaring weakness: Defensive rebounding.

True to tendency, the Rams gave us a lot of offensive rebounds. A lot more. Ten more offensive rebounds goes a long away to fixing the inefficiency of bad shooting. Really, the only way to overcome bad shooting and get a win is to take a lot more shots than your opponent. Rebounds helped. So did turnovers.

We turned the ball over 17 times and so did Rhode Island, which was a bizarre and unexpected turn of events considering how good they are at not turning the ball over and how relatively average we are at forcing turnovers. It was just chaos on the court, people falling all over. When both teams play sloppy, the sloppy team benefits, and we did.

We played hard, and we did the right things when the shots weren't falling. We didn't play well, but we did play well enough. Then we got those critical calls.

It wasn't really fair, but what do you want me to say? I try not to resort to cliches, but I like this one and it's as true as anything else I can say: Those are the breaks of the game.

Game Recap: UNC vs. UAB

2010-03-30T09:44:00.005-04:00

Obviously, I intended to have the post up earlier, but a combination of problems with Blogger, and, you know, actual life stopped me from getting this out. Anyway, here it is, as for what's next: no scouting report for URI, but I'll post a brief recap and then a quick report on Dayton.

A late recap on this one, but let me assure you, it was good.

We played some incredible defense, taking a series of terrific stands and forcing them into the type of game they didn't want to play. We won this game through good defense, superior strategy, and a surprisingly effective half-court offense.

UAB came to play their game, and their main offensive scoring weapon, getting to the line to shoot free-throws, was working all game long. The shot 26 free throws, which doesn't seem like that many, until you realize that UAB only took 52 field goals. I'll buy that you maybe don't frequently stare at FTA/FGA rates, but take my word (or at least Ken Pomeroy's) when I tell you that only four teams have averaged a percentage greater than the %50 that the Blazers achieved in this game. The point being is that the Blazers executed this part of the game plan quite well, and honestly, we countered as well as we could, playing them smartly and not fouling nearly as often as we might have been tempted too. We played this correctly, but we have to give a check to UAB for executing this strategy better than we stopped it. So what did we do right to slow down their offense?

Well, we did, in fact, bait them into a bunch of threes. And you know what? They actually shot slightly better than their season average from the three point line, but it doesn't matter, because playing the percentages worked: They are a terrible three-point shooting team, and shot an anemic 31.6%. If they had taken their normal proportion of threes that wouldn't have been so bad, but, of course, they did not take their normal proportion. Typically, UAB shoots 31.5% of all shots from the three-point line, but we induced them to take 36.5% from downtown. Anytime you get a team to go away from it's strengths and play a game based on their weaknesses, that is some kind of victory. On the other hand, this whole discussion of their three-pointing and foul-shooting has been a little bit silly, because it hides the real story of our defense against their offense.

UAB shot 28.8% from the field. On a night when they were shooting three-pointers at their usual mediocre rate, it turns out that the long-ball might have been their best option. UAB was shooting an incredibly anemic 27.3% from inside the arc, and our front court managed to collapse the middle, stay in front of their man and force terrible shots. Our guards were quick and prevented the drive. Howard Crawford, Kenneth Cooper, and Aaron Johnson, 60% of the starting line-up for UAB, made only a single field goal out of 20 shots and turned the ball over 8 times. For basically, the last ten minutes of the second half, they didn't score a field goal.

That is why we won.

On offense, we played well: Deon is playing as well as he ever has, John Henson is playing about three times as well as he did at the beginning of the season, Marcus Ginyard has taken it upon himself to prove that his defensive reputation is completely merited (near shut-out of Elijah Millsap in the first half), and Larry Drew is playing with a ridiculous level of swagger. Dexter already had that swagger, but now he executes, and if Tyler Zeller is going to not score so much in one game and still contribute defensively, that's perfectly okay; dude was just coming back from that nasty shot to the head. Yeah, Graves and McDonald kept putting up bricks, but you know, we live with those so that we can enjoy the games where they don't miss. It was weird to watch us play this slowed down game. We are running plays, people are making cuts, setting screens. It's not that the Carolina teams of the recent past didn't ever run plays, it's just not something we ever relied on, or really, could rely on. Even last year, I would get nervous to see our half court set, but knew I could count on Ty Lawson spinning a broken play into gold or the startling and seemingly unstoppable efficacy of the "get-the-ball-to-Tyler-and-let-him-draw-contact" play. All those teams wanted is fast-breaks and chaos, and don't get me wrong, it totally ruled. This year though, we execute. Sure there are turnovers (though those have thankfully plummeted), but finally, I trust our guys to run our stuff, and that sure is nice.

We are playing as well as we played all year, including those blow-outs at the beginning of the year, and, I must say, the NIT has grown on me.

Scouting Report: UAB

2010-03-23T10:25:00.004-04:00

This is a team that doesn't shoot the three-pointer. After the bomb-happy William and Mary and Mississippi State, I was beginning to worry that the NIT field might be solely populated by "live-by-the-three-die-by-the-three" fanatics whose inconsistency was problematic enough to stop them from making the NCAA field, but still occasionally deadly enough, and, likely to kill some good teams every once and a while. UAB takes a little less than the average number of threes, and, fortunately, they shoot them pretty terribly, averaging around 31.1% as a team.

So, they are distinctly different from William and Mary and Mississippi State. Well then, what are they like? Let's go to the numbers.

In essence, UAB is Elijah Millsap, a dynamic small forward who scores in a myriad of ways, but mainly by putting his head down and getting to the free throw line. He leads the team in scoring, rebounding, and steals. The rest of the team's job is to play superior defense and hit open shots or draw a foul and then take that open shot at the free throw line. If you are looking for an NBA comparison, the UAB Blazers have a stat profile a bit like the early-Lebron-era Cavaliers.

Millsap is good, and we are by no means done talking about him, but the main obstacle with the Blazers is the defense. Ken Pomeroy places them as the 25th best defense in the country, which is way better than the majority of the teams in the NCAA field. Their defense is good on every front. They stop 3's, they stop 2's, they stop offensive rebounding, and they force turnovers. They do this all by playing stifling man to man defense and not fouling terribly often (with some exceptions). Our offense has looked pretty uninspired against quality defenses, and against a quality defense that forces turnovers, there is a chance that we will look completely impotent.

They key here seems to be hammering it inside when we can. The second banana on this team is Howard Crawford, a talented power forward who does a good deal of scoring (though, weirdly, not too much rebounding). Crawford is foul-trouble prone. So is Kenneth Cooper, their starting center. This means that it's Deon time. Deon's crafty post-moves and ability to draw fouls can get their front line in a lot of trouble and give us scoring opportunities at the line. In this case, the best defense might turn out to be good offense: While UAB has a relative amount of size on the bench, none of their reserve big men are big scorers, rebounders, or really much of anything aside from bench warmers. Now, in the event that Ovie Soko or Cameron Moore end up burning us, I want to apologize for jinxing everything.

Now let's talk about their offense: It works because they get to the line. They are as good at getting free throws as any team we have played this year. In fact, they are way better at it than any other team we have played this year. Here's the comparison: Deon has taken 148 free throws, Ed Davis has taken 132, and Larry Drew has taken 96. It drops off steeply after that. On UAB, Millsap has taken 230, Crawford has taken 140, Aaron Johnson has taken 139, Cooper has taken 112. Look at Millsap's alone and you know they do this way better than us. If you want to get all picky and look at tempo-free FT rate, you get to learn some fun facts like, 5'8" Aaron Johnson draws fouls at a rate equivalent to Ed Davis (who, you might recall, isn't playing due to injury). The point remains: They draw fouls and get to the line. The question is, how do we stop them?

Well, some good news. Carolina doesn't foul. Hardly ever. We are ridiculously good at not fouling. Marcus Ginyard, who will undoubtedly get the task of guarding Millsap, happens to be the very best on the team at not fouling (how you feel about this match-up depends a lot in if you still believe Marcus is an elite defender). So, who knows, we might actually be able to neutralize some of their foul line advantage simply by virtue of the way we play. But, just in case, I have a gambit:

We stay back to prevent the drive and allow a number of open looks at the three for basically every player on their team but designated-sharpshooter Jamarr Sanders. Fouls are often committed when a player is playing real close on a ball handler who then uses his quickness to get by; once he's slipped by, the only recourse is fouling them. So, we play them for the drive, staying back and staying in front of them, while generally conceding the three-point shot. In fact, in most cases, we should bait them into taking the three.

Jamarr Sanders is basically Will Graves. He's a good, but not great shot, and over the course of the year has jacked up and made about the same number of threes as Will. We'll guard him closely, hope he doesn't get hot, and take our medicine. Aaron Johnson is a pretty good shot too, but it's clearly secondary to his driving prowess, so the best we can do is hope that Drew and Strickland's can stay in front of him and that their size bothers the little guy, and keeping him off his game. But let's talk about the other three-point shooters on their team: George Drake is UAB's sixth man, and a gunner off the bench. He has taken 107 three-pointers on the season, which would make him the second-leading shooter if he were on UNC. He has taken 107 shots; he has made an anemic 24. He is shooting 22% from beyond the arc. That's a shot that we can live with, and should potentially encourage. Even more interesting is that while Milsapp likes to play like a mini-Lebron a lot of the time, he apparently also has the instincts of a mini-Josh-Smith. Milsapp, who has the ball on most plays, apparently has a problem with ill-advised threes. He has taken 77 three pointers this season and converted them at a not-exactly-blistering rate of 24.7%. So, all I'm saying is that we take a step back and clog the lane when we can. If driving becomes so frustrating that Millsap falls in love with his long shot, then, well, we stand a good chance at winning.

It's admittedly risky. If they get hot, we got burned. That said, taking away the shot they are good at shooting and forcing them to take bad shots is, over time, a pretty good strategy by the numbers.

In summary, we need to hammer the ball inside, focus on stopping the drive and avoiding fouls, and exploit their thin bench by getting their starters in foul troubles and speeding up the game (I didn't talk about this, but this team plays at a slowish pace and hardly plays any of the bench players so the more we can wear out the starters, the better). We still are the underdogs in this one, but if we execute our game plan smartly, if Marcus Ginyard is actually as good on defense as we've seen him be in the past, and, frankly, if Tyler Zeller is able to play (season winning percentage with Zeller: 66%; without Zeller 20%: (!)), I like our chances better than I did against Mississippi State.

So there's that.

And here's this: Things John Henson Should Eat This Summer.

Game Recap: UNC vs. Mississippi State

2010-03-20T23:12:00.002-04:00

Is Larry Drew a clutch player? Would you have truthfully answered yes before today? I don't think I would have. This is a guy who Roy had to take out of a close game trying to protect a lead after Drew missed free throw after free throw. Larry Drew, however, is now, officially, clutch.

Do you realize what he did? With limited time on the clock, Larry Drew drove right on the best shot blocker in the history of college basketball, a man who obliterated Shaq's old SEC single season shot blocking record. He took it right into the teeth of a guy who had nastily and, with extreme prejudice, blocked four shots already. He did this, knowing that Jarvis Varnado usually averages FIVE blocked shots a game and was patiently preparing to leap into the air and knock that ball into the upper deck and the game into overtime. Larry Drew, a man who barely ever finishes at the rim, who almost always prefers the pass to the shot, who prefers the long shot to the acrobatic drive and finish, who gets nerves so bad that he can't seem to hit free throws when the game is on the line, was going right at Varnado.

The arc of the layup was so high. A left-hander. Off the glass, and, miraculously, in.

Now, is Drew anymore clutch after the shot than he was before it? After Dean Smith won his first National Championship, he famously turned to Roy and said, "I'm not that much better a coach now than I was two and a half hours ago." Larry Drew remains Larry Drew, but let's appreciate the sheer audacity of his play, the ballsy moxie that won us a game that we could have very well lost.

This was a tough game.

In terms of offensive efficiency, this game was almost the converse of how we played against William and Mary: No one was all that efficient except for Will Graves. Will was sensational, and really, everyone else played pretty well enough. As a team, UNC shot 48.5% from the field, which is, all things considered, fairly blistering. Unfortunately, we only made one three pointer outside of Graves, and shot a measly ten free throws (Mississippi State kept with its rare fouling policy, as opposed to William and Mary who abruptly abandoned it). The point being that, while we didn't play great, we played well-enough. Hopefully we'll make that leap from well-enough to great pretty soon, but for now, well-enough is all I ask.

John Henson was dominant in the first half with ten points, seven rebounds, two blocks, and two steals including some nasty throw-downs and clever post moves. Trying to play him on the perimeter was a clever idea, born of our abundance of post players and the belief that Henson was too skinny to be effective. It was a nice experiment, but let's be honest: It failed and based on a shaky premise. Right now, having seen how Henson plays down low, it feels like a sin that we haven't been playing him down low all year. How many extra games do we win if we had let him play at his natural power forward position all along? It seems like at least one or two. I feel pretty good watching him get better and better every game.

Oh, Dexter Strickland played really well too. His hyperspace drives give me Ty Lawson flashbacks in the absolute best way.

Scouting Report: Mississippi State

2010-03-19T11:44:00.004-04:00

In a weird way, Mississippi State is a lot like William and Mary, and some of the scouting from that game is still relevant and hopefully some of the keys to our success against them will hold constant as well. As always, the bulk of the scouting information comes from the wise Ken Pomeroy (namely, here). Like W&M, Miss St. relies on three pointers to a ridiculous extent, and is in the top ten of all college basketball team in terms of jacking up the three, making them at a slightly better clip than W&M. In the more similarities department: They rarely turn the ball over, rarely force turnovers, and rarely foul. The tempo is a little faster than the pokey Tribe, and they don't adhere quite so dogmatically to Tony Shaver's offensive efficiency system, but, when push comes to shove, Miss St. is basically running the same offensive style as William and Mary with all the same weaknesses (live by the three, die by the three).

What's the difference? An elite defense anchored by Jarvis Varnado. While William and Mary tried to show tough defense, the truth was that they were soft, and like I said, Deon and Tyler got what they wanted basically at will. Varnado changes that. Jarvis Varnado is the all-time NCAA leader in blocked shots. In the SEC, he holds the single season record that had been set by Shaquille O'Neal. He is a one-man wrecking crew on defense and this season he has Miss St. first in the nation of percentage of shots blocked. This, combined with superior rebounding, means that Mississippi St. has the seventh best two-pointer defense in the nation. They are elite.

A commitment to man to man defense and quick guards mean that they have decent three-pointer defense, and more importantly, seem to try to deny the three and funnel the guards into the paint, or as they call it, "Jarvis's Killing Grounds." Note: I don't know if they actually call it that, but they probably should.

So how do we counter? At first it seems like this team is custom made for destroying us, and on some level, they probably are. Their offense assaults a known weakness: three-point defense; while their defense takes away our primary method of scoring: post-play. That said, I think there are some things we can do.

First, we have to go at them in the post anyway. While Miss St. as a whole doesn't foul that much, their big men do seem to foul at an average to above average rate. Having four legit big men to send against Varnado and their power-forward Kodi Augustus could get Miss St. in foul trouble: They are very thin on the bench, especially in terms of quality forwards. And, while it might be a sore topic, the foul line is a good place to earn easy points (even if this year they aren't particularly easy). On a similar note, I think we have a potentially okay match-up with Augustus on defense. Augustus is a stretch-four who pops outside to shoot lots of three-pointers (in a weird coincidence, Augustus and Larry Drew have shot and madethe exact same number of threes). Against lots of teams, opponents probably have a hard time finding a big who can match up with him and guard him effectively on the perimeter, but Henson and Wear are able to defend the perimeter when needed.

Second, we shouldn't try to overcompensate and shoot more threes, especially not in the half-court game. Pull ups in transition, open looks, and off of offensive rebounds only. We try to do more and we force things ineffectively and Will Graves shoots us out of the game.

Third, we have to figure out how to shut down their shooters. Marcus has to live up to his old Reddick-killer reputation, Drew needs to strive towards his slower-Lawson-with-better-defense reputation, and Dexter Strickland needs to do whatever voodoo he was using on Tuesday to be so seemingly effective. Will Graves, do your passable thing. My roommate and I used to joke that Will Graves was only good for random hot streaks and for playing really mediocre defense. Well, we need that mediocre defense.

This is a hard game, and there is an argument to be made that Mississippi State is the best team in this tournament. We need to win it. Also, NC State needs to win their game. If they do, we will get to play against each other Carmichael. That needs to happen.

Game Recap: UNC vs. William and Mary

2010-03-17T11:31:00.003-04:00

Let me say this first: Carmichael rocked. The smaller, historic arena was sold out and the crowd came to cheer. It was hot, loud, and filled with energy. Wearing the throwback uniforms, and playing potentially the last game of the season, UNC played hard. The crowd, the whole crowd stood most of the times. At various points in the game, I would see students go down to the Rams Club section where the older, richer, more staid, and frankly disinterested alumni sit and basically deliver short sermons, demanding that they too stand. And they did. It was truly remarkable and I hope that UNC investigates the possibility of playing more games there in the future. The fans, players, and Roy himself all just absolutely loved it.

Now, that said, let me slip in this: The Dean Dome is mostly perfect for UNC. The more students, alumni, and fans that can attend UNC games in person, the better. The Dean Dome is, in some very basic sense, about equality and giving everyone a shot to see the game. I really like, for the sake of the comprehensive polar images, that UNC plays in the Dean Dome and Duke plays in Cameroon Indoor. One is large, open, affordable, and welcomes all. The students get their tickets by open and fair lottery, and most students, in their time, get to come and participate in Carolina basketball. At Duke, tickets are limited, ridiculously expensive, and the right to buy them directly from the university is basically done exclusively through a complex system of monetary patronage where you buy your rights to even think about buying tickets (I know the Rams Club exists at UNC, but it has nowhere near the prominence of the Iron Dukes system). The students basically get tickets through displays of who has the most resources: either time or money. Many Duke students won't get to go to a game through the normal ticket distribution process. So, as much as I liked Carmichael, a large venue suits Carolina. It just feels right. Now, they still need to let more students closer to the court at the Smith Center, but that's another issue.

Now, let's talk about the game.

William and Mary is a smart team. They shot 43 three-pointers (making 37.2% of them) over the course of the game, out of 62 total shots. I believe all but two more of the shots were taken directly at the rim. No mid-range floaters, no tough penetration, just pure high-efficiency looks. This is an unconventional strategy, but it's smart as hell and you'd like it if more teams had the guts to play this way. Despite some lock-down moments in the first half and one very nice stretch at the end of the game, Carolina was mostly unable to stop their offense from executing. Fortunately, they had the same problem.

North Carolina's offense looked right for the first time in some time. Efficient, balanced scoring from almost everyone on the team. When I look at a box score, one of my favorite things to do is check total points divided by field goal attempts, which can provide a quick and dirty way to check on the offensive efficiency of a particular player. It's a nice little cheat because it gives some weight to good shooting, getting to the line and hitting threes. What you look for when you make this comparison is for the player in question to score significantly more points than they take shots. This is a long way of saying, when I looked at the box score, I was delighted. Our team is normally terribly inefficient on offense, getting to the line at a good clip, but not really shooting that well from there or anywhere else and not taking enough threes. It was a delight to see that Deon had 20 points on 13 shots, that Zeller had 13 points on six shots, while Drew, Henson, and Strickland also posted fairly efficient games. Even Marcus and Will, who were, admittedly off offensively weren't really terrible offensively, and didn't shoot us out of the game, and, at this point, that's all I ask.

The key to our efficiency was what it always has been: getting to the line. In an effort to play tough and make up for the lack of size, William and Mary fouled far more than you might expect from a team that normally makes a habit of not fouling. They were trying to keep our big men off their spots and to hassle our guards on the perimeter, and the refs seemed content to let this style of play go on without too many whistles until UNC started to force the issue by taking the ball right at the rim. William and Mary uncharacteristically fouled and we did our best to take advantage.

As was expected, we took serious advantage of our size in the post, and as I noted earlier Deon and Tyler basically rampaged in the paint, scoring at will. While the overall rebound totals might indicate only a slight advantage for UNC, we mostly owned the glass when it counted. Single-handedly, Henson had six offensive rebounds, compared to seven offensive rebounds for the entirety of William and Mary. Henson, for the record, did have a field day: ten rebounds, nine points, two blocks, an assist and a steal in only 23 minutes, and the way Deon and Tyler were playing it's hard to blame Roy for not playing him more.

Tyler Zeller, for one night, almost made me forget how much I miss Ed Davis. He was simply stellar on offense and defense making big plays that kept the crowd fired up. Not once, but twice, he stole the ball on the perimeter and took off down the court dribbling as best as he could. It was awkward, but you can't help but love that hustle from a seven footer. Those steals also are emblematic of another one of the keys for this game: winning the turnover battle.

All season, we have been really bad at getting steals. It's sad, but true. This game, against a team that rarely ever turns the ball over, Marcus Ginyard alone got five steals, and, in total, William and Mary turned the ball over 17 times. UNC won the turnover battle. I'm as stunned as you are. It's amazing how that will put you in a good position to win ball games. Wait, no, that's not amazing; that's really obvious. Whatever, I'm going to enjoy it for this one game.

Let's talk about Larry and Dexter. Neither shot well from the field, but both made a positive impact on the team. They both played tough defense, shadowing the ever-screening guards of William and Mary and closing out on shooters quickly (Dex even got the rare block of a three-pointer and you are out of your mind if you think this didn't cause Carolina fans to lost its collective shit). Drew was the classic floor general in this one, utilizing the power of his deadly pull-up three in transition and even putting the ball on the deck and driving (finally!). As for Dex, man, this is one of the few times all season I have seen a player on our team make an earnest effort to take over the game. In the last few minutes, Dex was driving with lightning speed and keeping William and Mary on their heels. He got to the line with regularity and iced the game by hitting his shots with cool aplomb, which was a refreshing change from what Carolina fans have seen at the line all season. It was more than that though. Dex sparked the rest of the team, and somehow, his brand of kamikaze defense based on quick feet and rapid close-outs was somehow super effective against William and Mary. I may be wrong about this, but he seemed like the best defender on the team at times. When I was watching the whole game I couldn't help but think, "I bet his plus/minus is really high," and sure enough, he led the team with a whopping +21. The best is yet to come with Dexter Strickland.

I loved this game. The whole team played with a lot of heart and played well. Deon was diving on the floor, scoring at will, and seemingly loving this game more than anything I've ever seen him play. Throughout the game he would encourage the fans and they would respond wildly. I can't help but love his post-game comments:

"I have played a lot of game in this North Carolina jersey, including a couple Final Fours, but being out there on that floor tonight with those fans and all the history in Carmichael, is something that I will always remember... It was what college basketball is all about, enjoying wins with the kids you get to go to class with every day. I really enjoyed playing in this place tonight."

If this is what playing in the NIT means, then let the NIT roll on.

Scouting Report: William and Mary

2010-03-16T10:44:00.002-04:00

Listen: I've been patiently waiting for this season to end so I can write up the post-mortem of the season, looking at all the ugliness of the past season and hopefully showing how it points to a bright future. That has to wait for at least one more night. After an embarrassing final game at Duke and a flame-out in the first round of the ACC tournament, the prophetic taunting of our opponents has come true: North Carolina is in the NIT.

There has been some thinking that the NIT is beneath us. This is ridiculous of course, and honestly seems to be mostly driven by the fear that we lose early on in that. This is possible of course, but at this point in the season, you would think that we've gotten over the embarrassment of losing. My thought is simple: Our team is young and the more practice our team gets in tough competitive games, the stronger we will be in the long run. It took Tyler Hansbrough and company, four years to get enough game experience to be ready to win.

Finally there is one other motivating factor, simple and delicious: Revenge. Who was one of the primary taunters of "NIT"? Virginia Tech. Who has been reduced to being nothing more than the favorite in the NIT? Virginia Tech. Who would it be so sweet to beat in the NIT? Virginia Tech. If petty vendettas are all that remain for us, aside from the dubious honor of actually winning the NIT, then petty vendettas shall rule the day. To our petty vendetta!

The first step in this process is beating William and Mary in Carmichael. Let me get this note out of the way quickly: We're playing in Carmichael! That's so awesome! I've been excitedly talking to my friends about how cool it would be if we ever would play one or two games a season in the House Where Jordan Played. The Dean Dome, as big and nice as it is kind of sucks. Most of the students sit too far away and the wine and cheese crowd that fill the lower bowl never stand and leave with five minutes left in close Duke-Carolina games. It's just disgusting. I'm so excited about the possibility of a packed and loud Carmichael.

Okay, now: William and Mary. Checking out their breakdown at the Pomeroy Ratings (something you should all be very familiar with as you fill out your brackets for you know, that OTHER tournament), you get a really clear picture of this team. They shoot the three. They shoot the three a lot. More than all but two teams in all of college basketball. They never turn over the ball. They play slower than almost every single team in college basketball. William and Mary plays a style that seems the polar opposite of UNC's offensive style. This should concern us. This should concern us, because William and Mary is playing very smartly.

The mid-major recipe for college basketball success has focused on maximizing a number of advantages that other teams undervalue and that are fairly coachable and achievable regardless of the fact that your team has inferior athletes or less overall "talent" than the other team. Slowing down the the tempo, not turning over the ball, and shooting a lot of threes are how the Davids have been slaying the Goliaths in March since the dawn of the Tournament. William and Mary are very good at all of these things. If they shoot well, they will win a lot of games, because they have done an excellent job maximizing their offensive efficiency. They are a more efficient offensive team than UNC.

So there's that. Now, how do we beat them:

William and Mary does not turn the ball over, but they also don't force opponent turnovers. This means they will have a hard time taking advantage of UNC's greatest weakness this season. They also rarely foul, which while usually a key to efficient play, may be a secret blessing considering UNC's other Achilles heel.

William and Mary's other weaknesses seem to mostly stem from the curse of a large portion of the mid-majors: lack of quality big men. Despite having one of the nation's best offensive rebounders in Marcus Kitts, as a whole, William and Mary are terrible at rebounding both offensively and defensively. Less critical, but more embarassing, the team gets blocked at an extravagant rate.

John Henson should have a field day.

What it comes down to is this: William and Mary is pretty good offensively, but North Carolina is far better defensively. If their talented, sharp-shooting guards get hot and are allowed to bomb from long range, they will win. Carolina wins if the game becomes an ugly scramble, where defensive pressure on the perimeter forces them to try their luck against the still stout Carolina front-line and John Henson blocks trigger Carolina fast-breaks while a Drew and Zeller combo force the issue by taking the ball to the hoop again and again, kicking to Graves when needed. They mostly play zone, and if they've done any scouting, will likely happily cede us some open three-point shots: Graves and Drew must make them pay, so that we can open up the post for Deon and Zeller, where, given the front-line of William and Mary, they should get us some of those buckets we've struggled with for much of the season.

We can and should win this one. I won't be surprised if we lose, but Marcus is playing with a lot of pride in the final games of his career and maybe the House of Jordan will inspire the team to new heights. Maybe. I hope.

The Houston Rockets and the Value of Will Graves

2010-02-09T00:26:00.006-05:00

Trevor Ariza was an essential role player on the Lakers team that won the championship last year. He played hard-nosed defense, made lots of hustle plays, and hit the open three when Kobe inevitably drew the double team. He had plenty of key steals and key scores as the Lakers marched through the play-offs. He couldn't pick a better time to play the best basketball of his career: That summer, after everyone saw how Trevor Ariza helped the Lakers win another championship, Trevor Ariza was a free agent and certainly in-demand.

When the Lakers elected to use the money they could have used to re-sign Trevor Ariza on notorious head-case/lock-down-defender/mercurial-forward Ron Artest, Ariza essentially took his place on Artest's former team, the Rockets. On the Rockets, however, Trevor Ariza assumed a very different role.

The Rockets had been constructed in the early 2000s as a team based around the dynamic duo of two superstars: Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady. Both players, when signed were absolutely phenomenal, and when they were on the court together and healthy, they were incredibly successful. The rest of the team simply had to play their roles and victory would come to the Rockets. Trevor Ariza was hired to merely be Robin to McGrady's Batman, or maybe to be the Gleek to McGrady and Yao's Wondertwins. The point is that he was a sidekick. Well, like every Justice League ever (going to keep trying with the super hero references), when Superman and Batman are captured/busy/incapacitated, the rest of the Justice League has to step up, and someone has to take on the mantle of leadership. Unfortunately, bad luck struck in Houston: Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming were both laid low with injuries and the role players became headliners.

And that's how Robin got the spotlight. It might not surprise you to realize that maybe there was a reason Robin was only a sidekick and didn't try to do everything Batman did. And so it was with Ariza: While he thrived as a sideman in Los Angeles, he struggles in Houston as the Rockets primary offensive option. He shoots too much and makes a really low percentage of his shots. He shoots inefficient shots and that hard-nosed hustle, and unselfish passing disappeared under the weight of his new responsibility as The Man for Houston. It's been ugly.

I bring this because for a long time, I thought Will Graves was basically Trevor Ariza. I believed that he could thrive as a role-player for a contender, as a complementary piece, supporting his star teammates but that if asked to shoulder the burden of being the primary offensive option for his team that he would falter and his team would fail. That's the difference between Trevor Ariza on the Lakers and the Rockets and I thought it was also the difference between Will Graves on last year's championship winning Tar Heels and this year's cringe-inducing Tar Heels. That's just how I saw it. You know this, because I talked a lot about things like the Will Graves Theory.

Now, at this point, the savvy reader will note that I carefully said that this is what I "thought" about Will Graves. Past tense! Well, savvy reader, you caught me: my perspective may have changed for the more optimistic.

See, Will Graves isn't Trevor Ariza: Will Graves is Shane Battier.

But wait, doesn't Shane Battier just suck at everything but defense? And even there, isn't he really overrated? Well, casual NBA fan, that myth was actually dispelled almost exactly one year ago when Michael Lewis penned an article about Shane Battier, the Houston Rockets, and advanced basketball stats. It was basically the "Moneyball" of the NBA story and is still probably the most important thing written about the NBA in the past two years or so. If you haven't read it, you should read it now.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Okay, so now you know about how Shane Battier is underrated, how conventional stats don't capture his team contributions, and about how a smart and savvy player can help his team in nearly invisible ways? Right, well that's good. But you still don't know how this pertains to Will Graves? Doesn't he shoot too much and play as Robin-gone-power-mad-in-Batman's-absence like Ariza?

Well, lets focus on this:

One well-known statistic the Rockets’ front office pays attention to is plus-minus, which simply measures what happens to the score when any given player is on the court. In its crude form, plus-minus is hardly perfect: a player who finds himself on the same team with the world’s four best basketball players, and who plays only when they do, will have a plus-minus that looks pretty good, even if it says little about his play. Morey says that he and his staff can adjust for these potential distortions — though he is coy about how they do it — and render plus-minus a useful measure of a player’s effect on a basketball game. A good player might be a plus 3 — that is, his team averages 3 points more per game than its opponent when he is on the floor. In his best season, the superstar point guard Steve Nash was a plus 14.5. At the time of the Lakers game, Battier was a plus 10, which put him in the company of Dwight Howard and Kevin Garnett, both perennial All-Stars. For his career he’s a plus 6. “Plus 6 is enormous,” Morey says. “It’s the difference between 41 wins and 60 wins.” He names a few other players who were a plus 6 last season: Vince Carter, Carmelo Anthony, Tracy McGrady.

You can see where I'm about to go with this: Someone has calculated plus/minus for the NCAA this season. Guess who leads UNC in plus/minus? Well, actually Justin Watts, but set that aside for now and you get Will Graves. That's right, in an averaged pace game, having Will Graves on the court amounts to 7.4 extra points a game on offense and prevents the other team from scoring 4.0 extra points, giving him a plus/minus total edge of 11.4. Ed Davis, by contrast scores a 4.0.

So, some caveats: This data was only crunched up through late January. This is crude plus/minus (with a minor tempo adjustment), not the full-on mathematically-adjusted wizardry of the Rockets. Even if it was, there's still a looming question of how useful plus/minus data is due to noisiness of the data and the huge error bars. But bare with me for a second: is it possible that Will Graves of the ill-advised shots is potentially helping his team win in more ways than conventional statistics is letting on?

The short answer is that it seems plausible: Watching Will Graves play, he often makes the tough hustle plays and is often all over the place helping out his team. Less controversial advanced statistics also point to some hidden value in his game. For example, check out this. Did you realize that Will Graves turned the ball over so little? I didn't. He actually leads the ACC in lowest turnover rate and is one of the very best in the country! See how he also commits so few fouls. Remember how in the Michael Lewis article they talk about avoiding fouling as a hallmark of efficient defense? There is is: Hidden basketball value in Will Graves. Of course, looking at the Ken Pomeroy stats page, you can see it's not that hidden: Will Graves actually snuck past Ed Davis as the player on UNC with the highest offensive efficiency rating!

Now offensive efficiency rating is a stat developed by Dean Oliver and detailed in his book, Basketball on Paper, but, in short, the aim of the stat is to more thoroughly account for how well a player is scoring by taking into consideration the different values of three-pointers and free-throws, the players proficiency at each weighted into the equation. The one thing that this stat does, above and beyond what you get with True Shooting is take into account efficiency by possession rather than just shot. That is to say that, amongst other things, Offensive Rating adjusts for turnovers and offensive rebounding. So here's what this means: Because Will Graves rarely turns the ball over, he uses offensive possessions more reliably than players like Larry Drew who is a much better shooter, but turnover prone. A possession used by Will Graves results in a shot more often than other players who turn the ball over before they can even get off a shot. In the long run, Will's bad shooting and low turnovers are worth more on offense than Drew's good-shooting and high turnovers.

Long story short, it seems logical and likely that the plus/minus data is meaningful. Will Graves seems to be much better than the stats were giving him credit for.

What's this mean? Well, I still stand by much of what I said. The one thing that is truly different between Will Graves and Shane Battier is Shane's insistence on taking high efficiency shots. Will's proclivity for low-efficiency shots has been well-documented in this space before. And while technically a Will Graves possession is more offensively efficient than an Ed Davis one, I still stand by the idea that an active Ed Davis who gets a lot of touches makes our whole team play a lot better; not that there's anything revolutionary in suggesting a balanced attack.

In any case, my basic point remains: Will Graves isn't Trevor Ariza. He's Shane Battier and far better than many people (including and especially me) think.

Game Recap: UNC Vs. Maryland

2010-02-08T11:22:00.006-05:00

In this game, UNC got off more shots than Maryland (69 vs. 68), won the rebounding battle, got to the foul line more and lost by 21 points.

This was a very different loss than the one against Virginia Tech where our strategic failings and unwillingness to make scrappy plays let a poor-shooting VT team get away with the win anyway. Maryland won because they can shoot the ball and they play tough defense. They outplayed us. It's as simple as that.

Right after the game, I tried to rationalize it, like fans do: They were just unreasonably hot and we got some unlucky bounces. In all fairness, they were pretty hot: 12 of 23 from the three-point line is pretty damn good and shooting 51.5% from the field overall is pretty excellent. Almost any team would be hard pressed to deal with that. What I want to stress, however, is that this isn't unusual for Maryland.

Look at this.

Maryland is the 17th best three-point shooting team in the nation. They are the best in the ACC. They have a number of players who are having incredible seasons from behind the arc. It was a good night for them, but you know what? Kind of just par for the course.

Now look at their defense. I thought that they had just absolutely had their best night ever on defense. I mean, they largely shut us down. Held to 37.7% from the field and 31.3% from the the three-point line is a first-class effort. Check those Maryland stats again; this is apparently just what they do. Maryland has the fourth best two-pointer defense in the entire nation, and they aren't slouches on three-point defense either. Our percentages on defense were about the same as every team that's played Maryland. They are just a top-notch defensive crew.

Looking at Marylands other numbers, it's hard not to be impressed: A sweet shooting, lock-down defensive team that never turns the ball over and has an elite playmaker in Grievis Vasquez? Wow. Maybe they are just a mirage, but if you guys want a sleeper pick for a team to make some noise in the NCAA Tournament, look no further. Maryland has all the ingredients, and, if they can deploy them right, are due some post-season success.

Right. So I guess we have to talk about UNC now. Well, Marcus Ginyard overcame his shooting slump and had an overall great game. Actually, if you just looked at the boxs core, you could be excused for thinking there was a clerical error and they'd actually swapped Marcus and Larry Drew's line-- Drew took and missed six shots and had four turnovers. So good job, Marcus; snap out of it, Drew.

Deon, Ed, and Will had passable, if not great games. Mediocre, but not terrible play from Henson and Strickland, and the rest of the bench was pretty invisible. It was nowhere close to our worst performance of this season, which isn't a comforting thought, I know, but it was progress. Sadly, that's just not enough to compete against a really good Maryland team.

That's all I've got. Sorry.

Duke is Wednesday. A lot more to come.

Game Recap: UNC vs. Virginia Tech

2010-02-05T00:10:00.003-05:00

We held Virginia Tech to 38.8% from the field and 21.1% from beyond the arc. We still lost. How is that possible? Well, we shot terribly, but amazingly we actually did shoot slightly better than Virginia Tech. If you've been following UNC this season, you can probably see the answer coming: Turnovers.

It was an error-prone mess. We also didn't do a particularly good job rebounding. As a result, we shot the ball 53 times and they got off 67 shots. They overcame our slight advantage in quality with sheer quantity.

In terms of who got the most shots, the team apparently decided to creep me out after I made a big deal about the wrong players taking way more shots than the other players. Six players took exactly seven shots apiece, with one more taking six. It was a creepily balanced attack. This is better than the wrong players taking far too many shots, but still not ideal. Ed Davis continued his ultra high efficiency onslaught, scoring 15 points off of only seven attempts from the field including two monster slams that would have blown the roof off the Dean Dome. Ed Davis should get a minimum of ten shots a game: That would go a long way towards winning.

John Henson had his coming out party, delivering, finally, on some of that super-high potential which I love so much. David Wear also delivered, coming through in ways that make me trust him a lot more. Sweet shooting and tough offensive rebounding almost make up for his other weaknesses. They both had big games and both made me excited about the future. Notably, their good minutes seemed to come at the power forward position. Roy has been trying Henson out at power forward from time to time and while it's clear that his small frame is still a liability on the defensive end, he's been way more successful on offense than at the small forward.

I think I jinxed Will Graves who took four three pointers and missed all of them. He did a much better job of playing in the flow of the offense though. Marcus Ginyard broke his shooting slump, sort of, by hitting two shots out of seven. He's up to four of twenty-four on the past four games. Marcus came off the bench in favor of Dex Strickland, who made the start and, puzzlingly, considering his past willingness to attack the rim, took only two shots for the second game in a row. Dex Strickland can have more shots once he stops turning the ball over.

A tough loss, but at least it offers an answer to the question, "What can you do when you shoot terribly, turn the ball over a lot, and fail to get the ball to your best player enough?" Just enjoy John Henson getting freaky on his way to hoop.

Where We Are Right Now

2010-02-04T13:18:00.005-05:00

This is a post about UNC Men's Basketball. This might be a little bleak. You probably already knew that. I'm going to reiterate something that I have stated before and then try to add a little nuance. In the past two games, we have one a game and we have lost a game. What's been the difference: Will Graves.

That's right. It's back: The Will Graves Theory. For those unfamiliar with the concept, the Will Graves Theory basically states that UNC will struggle when Will Graves tries to takes the most shots on the team and that UNC will do better when Will plays within the flow of the offense and concentrates on just shooting open threes when they are available. This theory is based on the basic idea of efficient scoring. In short, Will Graves isn't nearly as efficient at scoring points as Ed Davis (amongst others). If UNC leans heavily on its more efficient options and less on its less efficient options it will win games. The past two games illustrate this.

In the games against NC State and Virgina, we took 56 and 57 shots, and won by 15 and lost by 15 respectively. Excuse me if I steal the punchline, but you can see it coming anyway, so here we go: The reason we were so successful in one and not the other has to do with the distribution of the shots (and obviously other things like defense, but stick with me on this, okay?). Our most efficient option is easily Ed Davis. In the NC State game, he took eight shots; in the Virginia game, he took three shots. How does our best offensive player only get three shots? Let's talk about WIll Graves now. In the NC State game, Will Graves shot the ball seven times; in the Virginia game, Will Graves shot the ball 15 times-- he made roughly 30% of his shots in both outings. Will Graves, the worst shooting starter on our team, shot the ball five more times than our best shooting player, Ed Davis. Ladies and gentlemen, we can't win this way.

Will Graves is a fine player and an excellent complement in our offense. There is simply no way we can win when he is taking that many shots at the expense of our bread and butter scoring of Ed Davis. So please, everyone on the North Carolina Tar Heels, please, for the love of Dean Smith, get that ball to the low post! And Will Graves: Use better shot selection!

What constitutes better shot selection you say, Will? Well, the answer might make you happy: I'd like you to only concentrate on open threes. You know, those shots you effortlessly swish and take so much gusto in shooting, those shots that make the crowd lose its collective shit?

Excuse me, Will, let me explain for the audience.

Will Graves can shoot threes. He's been totally reliable at hitting the three over the past few games. In the NC State game, he shot three and made two. In the Virginia game, shot nine and made four. He's shooting 50% from the three point line in the past two games. That is beyond excellent. That makes a Will Graves three one of the most efficient shots available to the entire team. The problem is not Will Graves shooting too many threes. The problem is every other shot in his repertoire.

Outside of threes, Will Graves has shot 10% from the field in the past two games. He has made one shot in ten. You read that correctly. This is not just recently, either. On the season Will Graves shoots 32.8% on two-pointers and 40% on three-pointers. Because three-pointers are worth (as you might expect, you math whiz, you) more than two-pointers the difference is magnified. Effectively, you are looking at the choice between a 32.8% shot and a 60% shot. So, Will Graves, here is the secret to your own and to team success: cut the two-pointers out. Make it a three or look for a better shot.

It's not just Will Graves either: Larry Drew, you are honestly pretty great, but you need to either work on your drives or have more confidence in your long-bombs. Drew II shot made four out of eight three-pointers in the Virginia game and just one out of five two-pointers. Have I ever mentioned that UNC, in general. needs to take more threes? Oh, wait.

These guys can hit the three. If they can't drive or shoot mid-range jumpers, why wouldn't they shoot the three? Don't get me wrong, inside to Ed Davis should still be option one, but if we can't get it inside: Bombs, away.

Except for you, Marcus. Fun fact: Marcus Ginyard, a starter for your North Carolina Tar Heels has made exactly zero baskets over the past two games, and is two of 17 over the last three.

Sorry to throw in that last bit of bleakness there. I know things are bad now, but I really do believe that adjusting who gets the shots on our team will help us in a big way. I hope so at least. There is only so much yelling at the heavens I can do when I see Will chuck up contested mid-ranger jumper after contested mid-range jumper.

A Dream About Tyler Hansbrough, Troy Murphy, and Venereal Disease

2010-01-21T15:32:00.005-05:00

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm a little bummed about Carolina's losing skid and I owe you some thinking about What Carolina Can Do To Turn It Around. Is the loss to Wake Forest a refutation of the UNC Should Shoot More Threes Doctrine? Or is it a simple confirmation of the Will Graves Theory? A little of both? I need time to sulk and think about it, but I'll get back to you.

In the meantime, I'd like to return to an old favorite feature of mine: Dreams. In between the wide array of dreams from girls imagining being Tyler Hansbrough's girlfriend, Special Dream Correspondent Thomas weighed in with an account of Dwyane Wade's human sacrifice habit and playing in a band with Tyler Hansbrough. Well, Thomas is back with a dream he had last fall about the Pacer's frontcourt. Yes, really, and no, there isn't anything about Roy Hibbert, you weirdos. Here it is:

So, I met Tyler Hansbrough at an event, mentioning that I went to UNC and that Troy Murphy was my favorite player. Tyler gives me Troy's phone number, so I call him up, on speaker phone with Tyler listening, and ask him why he's been out for the past nine games with a back injury. Troy tells me that the back injury is a cover, that he really has an advanced case of syphilis from sleeping with so many beautiful women. He can't play basketball because his wang hurts so bad. So I hang up, and Tyler looked at me and says "Gross, huh?" Then we part ways.

Disgusting, Thomas: Troy Murphy should be no one's favorite player. Believe it or not, this same man has written a very nice guest post that will be up shortly about John Milton and Lebron James. I'm not making this up. Want to get in on the dream-sharing? Have a nice guest-post about Chaucer and Kobe? Send me an email: loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

UNC Needs to Shoot More Threes

2010-01-14T23:48:00.002-05:00

First a note about some stats: Ken Pomeroy has flipped his magic switch so advanced player stats are available for all the college players and teams you could desire, meaning that you don't have to rely on my half-cocked analysis gleaned from downloaded box scores and haphazardly rigged spreadsheets. I highly recommend using this site for the majority of your college hoops stats needs. Now, back to the matter at hand.

The UNC men's basketball team needs to shoot more threes. We've suffered some tough losses and horrific halves due to an unwillingness, originating either by the players or the coaching staff, to shoot three pointers. Let me break it down, point by point.

1. We don't shoot a lot of threes.
2. We are a pretty good three point shooting team.
3. Shouldn't we should shoot more threes?

We don't shoot a lot of threes
UNC has a reputation for this. We are known for hammering it down low when we can, relying on the athleticism and talent of our players rather than hoisting up a lot of long bombs and praying for the best. This is a apparently a conscious stylistic decision by our coaching staff and one that has often served us well. There are 347 Division I NCAA teams that Ken Pomeroy tracks with his stats. UNC ranks 344th in percentage of shots that are threes. There are only three teams in all of Division I that shot less threes than us right now. Wow.

We are a pretty good three point shooting team
It's true. People don't want to believe this, but it's absolutely true. Think of it this way: Last season we shot the three pretty well right? Ty, Wayne, and Danny could all shoot pretty well. Ty Lawson almost led the ACC in three-point shooting last season, shooting a blistering 47.2% from beyond the arc. Larry Drew is shooting 47.1%. What about the shooting guard and the wing? Wayne Ellington and Danny Green shot 41.7% and 41.8% respectively. Marcus Ginyard is shooting 44.1% from beyond the arc (consistent with his 44.8% he shot in 2008 as a starter). Okay, so sure, Will Graves is "only" shooting 39.7%, but don't let that throw you too far off the trail: This team has the players to shoot the three as well as last year's team.

Shouldn't we shoot more threes?
Yes. Now, I'm not advocating a barrage of threes, I'm simply asking for Roy Williams to give Drew II and Marcus the go-ahead to shoot an open three point shot when available. Too often have I seen these two pass up three point shots for ill-fated, turn-over-prone drive and kicks or other mismanaged plays. The point of a drive-and-kick is to hit an open three point shooter for an easy shot- following that with another drive and kick is usually nonsensical. The open three is a good shot, and honestly, at the rate these two guys are hitting them, there really are few better shots we can get.

This strategy has other advantages that help us. Our team is astoundingly turnover prone: Shooting open threes usually means a shot earlier in the shot-clock and reduces the opportunities for turnovers. It means less putting the ball on the court and dribbling into traffic (another opportunity for turnovers). But isn't a miss really just a turnover too? It is, but fortunately, we are one of the absolute best at offensive rebounding: We get the ball back on an astounding 40.5 % of misses. For us, a miss is SIGNIFICANTLY better than a turnover.

Most importantly, our unwillingness to shoot the three is handicapping our offense. The best offensive option on this team is still Ed Davis in the low post. Without the threat of outside shooting, teams are feeling free to double team him and collapse into the point with impunity. If we can shoot just enough threes per game to stretch defenses, Ed Davis will become even more devastatingly effective.

Marcus and Drew need to shoot when they are open, otherwise a lot of games are going to look like the Clemson game.

The Small Forward Puzzle

2009-12-09T23:24:00.007-05:00

It has occurred to me that perhaps I have been too hard on Will Graves. Early in the season, I was bewildered as to why Will Graves was starting over John Henson. Then, of course, very recently, I mentioned the relatively poor efficiency of Will Graves and unveiled his eponymous theory. While I did briefly try to give a little credit for Graves free-throw shooting (especially in comparison to the rest of the team), I don't think I've given Will the full benefit of the total comparison.

So, using percentage stats because they control for differing minutes and pace (as opposed to raw totals, or per-36 minutes or anything like that), let's have a side-by-side look at the players who have logged the major minutes so far this season at the small forward position. The two main contenders are Will Graves and John Henson, though at least one (and maybe both? I'm actually not sure if they both play the position or if it's just one of them, and if so, which one. More on this later.) of the Wear twins have put in the minutes here. This is also Marcus Ginyards natural position, but since he's been starting at shooting guard and playing back-up point guard as needed, it looks like he won't be playing much at the small forward. Technically I think Justin Watts or Leslie McDonald might've played a few minutes at this position too, but let's constrain the comparisons to Will Graves, John Henson, David Wear, and Travis Wear. It bears mentioning that since both of the Wears spend time some time at the power forward position, comparing their stats to Graves and Henson won't be as exact, but is worth a look anyway. First we'll look at scoring.

True shooting percentage
Will Graves 50.5%
John Henson 43.4%
David Wear 43.0%
Travis Wear 50.8%

Usage percentage
Will Graves 20.5%
John Henson 17.3%
David Wear 13.1%
Travis Wear 18.6%

As inefficient a scoring option as Will Graves is compared to his starting peers, he's actually a fairly good scorer compared with this motley lot. If you wanted to get points on the board from this position, it seems like Will Graves is a good way to go. Travis Wear actually appears to be a slightly better shooter, but his lower usage than Will Graves makes Graves the better option for putting points on the board.

Speaking of boards, let's look at rebounds:

Offensive rebounding percentage
Will Graves 6.2%
John Henson 8.6%
David Wear 1.4%
Travis Wear 12.8%

Defensive rebounding percentage
Will Graves 12.3%
John Henson 16.7%
David Wear 9.2%
Travis Wear 10.9%

The slight edge in rebounding goes to John Henson who dominates rebounding on the defensive end and has a slight edge over offensive rebounding leader Travis Wear in total rebounding (13.0% to 11.8%). It's useful, I think, to reflect on how impressive this is: a full-time small forward is out-rebounding guys who spend a big chunk of their time as power forwards. Those long, spindly arms know how to corral loose balls, even out on the perimeter. That's not all those long arms are good for either.

Block percentage
Will Graves 0.5%
John Henson 9.5%
David Wear 1.1%
Travis Wear 0.0%

Okay, so you probably already knew that Henson was a superior shot blocker to the other three candidates, but it's worth seeing the magnitude of his greatness. Also, here's another useful figure: 8.3%. What's that? That's monster shot-blocker Ed Davis's shot blocking percentage. Henson, so far this season, is an even better shot blocker than the supremely talented Ed Davis. Impressive, huh? Let's look at some of the more "guard-oriented" stats where we might expect Will Graves to have the edge.

Steal percentage
Will Graves 2.9%
John Henson 2.8%
David Wear 1.3%
Travis Wear 1.3%

Turnover percentage
Will Graves 10.5%
John Henson 11.0%
David Wear 20.2%
Travis Wear 14.9%

Assist percentage
Will Graves 6.2%
John Henson 13.7%
David Wear 9.1%
Travis Wear 1.6%

Looking at these numbers, you can see that Graves and Henson are nearly equal in steals and turning the ball over, though it bears mentioning that Will Graves does have the slightest of edges in both categories. It also bears mentioning that the two are both also amongst the best on the team in stealing and minimizing turnovers. When it comes to assists though, Henson is the clear favorite. He is far and away the best passer amongst all of the Carolina big men (Deon, Ed, and Tyler don't get any higher than Ed Davis's 6.5% assist rate).

So what's the verdict? Well, let's go ahead and disqualify the Wears. Despite Travis Wear's skillful shooting and rebounding, it seems pretty obvious that he does most of his work at the power forward position. Travis gets more offensive rebounds, draws more fouls, and shoots more accurately than David who has shot more threes and has a dramatically higher assist rate. Of the two, it seems more likely that David is playing the small forward more that Travis, who's statistical profile pretty much screams power forward. So if we disqualify Travis for mostly being a power forward and David for just not being better than the others at a single thing (exception: by virtue of his two out of three 3-point shooting, David is technically the best 3-point shooter on the team), we have a two man race between Will Graves and John Henson.

John Henson is a superior passer, rebounder, and shot-blocker. Will Graves is a better scorer. Who do you pick? Well, if you are me, and happen to believe that Will Graves very problem is that he is focused too much on scoring despite being an inefficient option, you might find that John Henson contributes more all around. At this point in his still young college career, Henson seems like the ultimate glue guy, facilitating the offense with his court-vision and great passing, terrorizing the perimeter on defense with his length, quick hands, and knack for shot-blockling, and creating a whole world of match-up Hell that most coaches are going to dread figuring out. He's like a bizzaro Kevin Durant, and I mean that in the best possible way: blessed with the same lanky frame, but instead of being a largely one-dimensional scoring machine, he lacks that polished shot but is a shot-blocking, quick-passing, ball-thief and a long-striding night terror on defense.

If the numbers (or at least my take on them) seem to point to Henson, why does Roy insist on Graves. Well, there are a couple clear reasons that don't show up on the stat sheet. As good as I think Henson looks out there most of the time, it's pretty obvious (and logically sound) that Will Graves simply knows the playbook better. He has a veteran's understanding of the offense and knows how to make his rotations properly on defense. He has experience under the bright lights and he knows Roy well-- this is Will's fourth year with the team. Henson is a freshman. There is a very good chance that these things matter.

Short of someone giving me the plus/minus numbers, I can't really prove one way or another who actually makes the more positive impact on the court. I get why Will Graves starts at small forward, and I think that Roy probably does in fact know what he's doing. I simply wanted to highlight an argument for John Henson getting some more playing time. The dude is genuinely gifted, would make good use of extra minutes, and is only going to get better. I also think that there's a real benefit to making Graves the leader of the second-unit and having him and Zeller provide a potent and balanced one-two punch while letting Henson serve as the glue guy facilitating the already ultra-efficient scoring of the starters. Just my opinion.

All that said, still can't figure a good reason to play the Wears extended minutes at small forward. That shit needs to stop. Numbers don't back support it, and somehow it almost always manages to make for the most cringe-worthy moments of the entire game (assuming Marcus hasn't blown a dunk yet).

The Easy Ones

2009-12-09T15:44:00.002-05:00

I want to talk to you about free-throws. Specifically, I want to talk to you about how well the 2009-2010 UNC men's basketball team is shooting them. Last year, a large part of the success and efficiency of the UNC offense had to do with drawing fouls and turning those free throws into points. UNC was one of the very teams at getting to the line and was an excellent free throw shooting team. A lot of this had to do with Tyler Hansbrough, who basically made his living at the free throw line, but it was truly a team effort: Ty Lawson and Wayne Ellington were also superb at getting to the line and even better at knocking down free throws. Danny Green shot 85%. As a team, UNC shot over 75%. Unfortunately, those who remained are significantly worse at shooting free throws. Deon, Ed Davis, and Larry Drew were all major liabilities on the line. Danny would often play power forward to finish games to prevent opponents from playing hack-a-Deon in close games.

Now that these three are the core of the team, what's the story? Well, it's a mixed one. Let's see the raw numbers:

Free throw shooting percentages
Travis Wear 87.5%
Deon Thomas 79.2%
Will Graves 75.0%
Tyler Zeller 70.8%
Larry Drew II 68.2%
Ed Davis 63.8%
Marcus Ginyard 57.9%
Dexter Strickland 44.4%
John Henson 41.7%
Justin Watts 40.0%
David Wear 25.0%
Leslie McDonald 16.7%

Team 64.2%

So, the bad news first: This is not a great free-throw shooting team. 64.2% overall is really bad. In particular, our guards and the freshmen are just shooting horribly. Aside from Travis Wear, who has only taken nine free throws so far, no one is shooting over 80%. There are five rotation players who are shooting under 50%. We can talk in greater depth about the bad stuff later, but let's touch on some sunshine first.

Here is the good news: Deon is shooting really well, as in nearly 80% well. I don't know what it is, but he's shooting way better than he did in his first three years where he shot 65% for two of those years and an abysmal 60% for his sophomore year. In fact, ignoring Travis Wear (, he's the best free throw shooter on the team. Would Deon shoot the technicals this year? The same clang-clang-groan-when-he-get's-fouled Deon? Yes. Wow. Great job, Deon.

Some more good news: Larry Drew and Ed Davis, while still not great, are both improving. Larry Drew shot an abysmal, Ben Wallace-like 41.2% last season and has now made an amazing improvement to 68.2%. Now, that's incredible, taken at face value, but a word of caution: Last year's number was based on 17 free throws and this year's number is based on 22. Due to the small sample size, Larry Drew's "actual skill level" could be anywhere in between (and really a good bit higher or lower). So, cautious optimism is the rule for Larry's free throw shooting. Ed Davis's progress looks a little less amazing, but is all the more important and is probably more concrete. Ed Davis shot 57.3% last year and is shooting 63.8% this year. This is nothing but good news. Ed Davis draws fouls at the highest rate of anyone on the team this year and his ability to shoot a higher percentage from the free throw line will turn his already insane scoring efficiency totally nuclear. This is good stuff.

Equally good, Tyler Zeller and Will Graves seem to be shooting pretty well, and this seems to be consistent with their past performance. Good job, guys.

Now, let's talk about the bad stuff: Marcus Ginyard is shooting 57.9%. This is bad, but fortunately, it's not typical. In his previous four years at Carolina, Marcus is a 73.6% free throw shooter. Hopefully, we can expect him to shoot closer to that as the season goes on. Justin Watts (admittedly, on only five shots) is shooting 40%. The bad news is that his first year at Carolina, he shot 42.9%, so don't expect the same upswing that we might expect for Marcus.

Now, Dexter Strickland, John Henson, David Wear, and Leslie McDonald: they need to practice some damn free throws. I get that they are freshmen playing on bigger stages that ever before, but jitters or not, they are all shooting worse than Shaq. Hell, some of them are shooting worse than Ben Wallace. Free throws are really easy to practice and not at all difficult to improve. I am willing to bet, however, that all of these guys usually do shoot a lot better than this, and as the season goes on, these numbers should all steadily climb towards reasonable and respectable values in the 60s-70s range. Likewise, sadly, we probably can't expect Travis Wear to shoot nearly 90% all season. But anyway, for now: Great job, Travis! Practice your free-throws, the rest of the freshmen class!

The message, overall, is a simple one: Yes, this is a bad free-throw shooting team, but so far, there has been improvement, and, fortunately, we can probably count on even more gains in the free-throw department.

An Apology and the Will Graves Theory

2009-12-07T22:18:00.006-05:00

Once upon a time, I promised to do recaps of every Carolina basketball game for both the men and women. Clearly, and unfortunately, this hasn't happened. I've really dropped the ball on the women, who are playing really great, and I promise to blog about them and the NBA soon. As for the men, there have been six games since then and nary a recap in sight.

Well, my friends, this is my apology and with a full week of no games, I thought it might be a good time to reflect on what's happened and talk about how things can get better. In the six games the men have played, there have been two great wins, two wins that while not meaningless, were expected, and two losses. What's the key to understanding this? Well, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to The Will Graves Theory.

The Will Graves Theory
Will Graves is the current starting small forward for UNC. Though he starts, he splits his minutes with a lot of other people and is currently averaging only about 19 minutes a game. Will Graves is a great player, a tough rebounder, a hustler, and from time to time, a lights out three point shooter. In more than a few of these games, he's made some really savvy, heads-up plays that have really helped the team.

There is a problem. Despite all the good things he does, Will Graves is not shooting terribly well this season and he's taking a lot of shots, shots that should probably be going to other players. Let's take a look at some numbers,

First, let me back up my assertion that he's not shooting well. Let's look at true shooting percentage, a measure that weights and accounts for the value of three pointers and free-throws.

True shooting percentage
Deon Thompson 59.3%
Ed Davis 69.2%
Ginyard, Marcus 61.6%
Tyler Zeller 60.0%
Larry Drew II 63.2%
Will Graves 50.5%

Very clearly, you can see that of the players who get major minutes, Graves is shooting the poorest. He is still shooting pretty well, but is really way below the other guys getting major minutes in terms of how well he's scoring. If you just saw this chart, and you were planning your offense, it becomes clear that Graves should be taking the fewest shots. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Let's look at usage percentage, "an estimate of the percentage of team plays used by a player while he was on the floor."

Usage percentage
Deon Thompson 28.0%
Ed Davis 20.0%
Ginyard, Marcus 15.6%
Tyler Zeller 25.5%
Larry Drew II 17.6%
Will Graves 20.5%

Aside from the number one scoring option, and understanding that Tyler Zeller is the second-unit's main scoring option, Will Graves is getting the most touches. He is getting more touches than Ed Davis, who is shooting the ball at nearly a 70% true shooting rate! Davis has played 237 minutes so far this season while Graves has played 167. In 70 extra minutes of playing time, Davis has attempted a field goal only three more times than Graves. Now obviously, this is a little unfair. Davis is shooting phenomenally and is not getting nearly enough touches for how well he is scoring. However, my point could be made with any of the other players. Will Graves is an inefficient scoring option and is using possessions at a disproportionate rate.

Is it costing UNC games? It seems like it. In the loss to Kentucky, Graves had ten attempted field goals, good for second most attempts on the team (behind Deon) and tied with Kentucky's superstar phenom John Wall. Should the worst shooting starter on UNC be taking the same number of shots as probable number one NBA draft pick John Wall? Probably not. In the game against Syracuse, Graves led UNC in field goal attempts with twelve. He made two.

It's really hard to win games where your least efficient scoring option is taking the most shots. Carolina's offense is at it's best when the ball is moving freely and patiently. We have time in our half-court set, and we should be trying to get Deon the ball on the block or to Ed by the hoop, or turn a Larry Drew drive into a Marcus Ginyard open three. When other teams stop the ball movement and force Will to be a major component of our offense, we lose. I'm not saying that Will should stop shooting-- I still think he should keep trying to create and definitely do his best to knock down those open threes that we know he can get. I just want him to stop trying to put the team on his back. I want him to consider the extra pass, think about all the ways he can contribute without taking bad shots.

In the game against Michigan State, Will led the team in offensive rebounding. He took two shots, and made them both. It's been our best game of the year so far, and that's no accident.

Will Graves is the key to Carolina's offense: when he lets go and embraces his role with that zen-like shooter's detachment and plays within the flow (Wayne Ellington was the master of this), our offense hums smoothly. When he tries to force things and dominates the ball, our offense grinds to a standstill. The Will Graves Theory. Tell your friends.

Game Recap: UNC vs. Valparaiso

2009-11-17T23:05:00.004-05:00

This was a disappointing game. It was an 11 point victory against the over-matched Crusaders, but it was a pretty disappointing game because, in short, Carolina didn't look like a top-flight team. They didn't dominate. Now, I know this sounds unfair, but everyone knows the deal, everyone knows that's expected against a team like Valparaiso. This is the point where everyone starts to get nervous about what happens when Carolina plays a competitive team.

In all fairness, everything went right for the Crusaders, and their game plan went down about as well as could be hoped. That said, Carolina is going to be playing teams that are hot or lucky or a combination of both. We need to be ready. Let's break down the game:

What went right: Deon, Cortez, and Zeller know what's up and are legitimately scary. They are getting their blocks and rebounds easy. They are shooting at a great clip, getting to the line, and shooting free throws well (all over 80%!). Drew II seems to be for real: He's making great plays, shooting well, and taking the big step. Marcus is Marcus and that's great. Defensively, we held them to under 35% from the field and below 30% from the 3-point line.

What went wrong: In the second-half, Valpo shot 53% from the field and 70% from the 3-point line. Our defense couldn't stop anything and all of the second-team outside of Zeller seemed hopeless. We couldn't put them away, we couldn't ice it, we couldn't snap their necks and insult their mommas and make them cry on the bus ride back. We just sort of ran up and down the court until we won, or whatever, just leave me alone okay. In any case, the lack of focus was fairly disturbing.

What we know: We have to turn the ball over less. We have to defend the perimeter better. We have to focus.

What we don't know: How will this team defend against legit big men? Every team, UNC has played so far has tried to play outside of the point to avoid the bigger UNC players by the basket. The post-defense of the UNC frontcourt has yet to really be tested. How well will this team play against top-notch competition? Can this team consistently make use of the three? How good are the new guys on the second unit? What do we really know about Strickland, McDonald, Watts, and the Wears?

When we find out these questions, we'll find out a lot about our team.

On the small forward position: We started Will Graves at this spot, but lots of other people have been getting minutes at this spot. Notably, John Henson, Marcus, and the Wears. Frankly, these minutes should be going to Henson. Will Graves has some veteran experience, but he's just not showed a lot of game so far: He's supposed to be the teams designated 3-point shooter but is hitting under 30%. Right now he's a specialist who is sucking at his specialty. Marcus Ginyard is great, but his ball-handling skills (Yeah, I know he had five turnovers tonight...), defense, and touch on this guard poor team mean that he's going to have to spend most of his time at shooting guard and even point guard. Now, let's talk about the Wears and the one thing that really clearly seems to not be working: They aren't small forwards. They can't guard other small forwards on the perimeter and they sure don't seem comfortable trying to play that position on the offense. They seem real happy playing up in the front court, and I know Roy wants to make full use of the bench, but for the most part, Wears to the front. So by now, I bet you've guessed where I'm going with this right? Well, if you haven't, you ain't been paying attention: Henson. Henson is the answer at small forward, and he should probably start and plays should be run for him. He has a great shooting touch, he plays smart and wily, he blocks like a crazy man, he runs the floor, and has amazing passing. Roy needs to read up on "point forward" and give Henson the minutes. I can't help, but think that Roy is trying to hide him like he tried for Ed last year.

So, long story short: Play Henson more at small forward and we'll know a lot more about this team after this week. Gulp.

Game Recap: UNC vs. North Carolina Central University

2009-11-12T00:25:00.004-05:00

Sorry this is late, but here you go:

No one expected this to be a good game, and at 89-42 it really wasn't. There are always a couple like this at the beginning of the year: warm-up games. These are the games where a few lowly teams are led to the slaughter. In the years past, this would be an opportunity for Carolina to put up over 120, pad the stats for the ESPN color guys who love to mention how many 100 point games Carolina has had in a given season. This year it's different. We haven't put up 100 this year at all. No biscuits yet. This is not a cause for alarm.

In years past, we would put up 120 and let them put up 90. Still a 30 point blow-out, but always cause for the finger-wagging sanctimony of the basketball self-righteous, aghast that a team would have so little self-respect as to give up 90 points. Well, this year may be different. This year, I think that if this team gives up 90 points, it will only be in an unwatchable, catastrophic rout. If it happens at all.

This team is really good defensively. I know it's only Central, but wow. We held them to 26% and unleashed a slew of devastatingly demoralizing blocks. This team will make an offense work and outright prevent baskets. Our offense isn't there yet, and we've yet to play a team with traditionally effective post-up big men, but so far, the defense looks good.

First things first: Marcus looked good. He shot the ball well, he ran the offense and defense well. He looked athletic, and on defense did his Shane Battier hand-in-face impression the whole game-- shooters loved it. Zeller looked good. After the Florida International game, I'd pegged New Tyler as the worst defensively of the Carolina big men, as well as maybe the teams worst passer. Now I feel bad about this. Dude had a good game: no turnovers, lots of points on perfect shooting from the field and three blocks! The worst of the main Carolina big men had three blocks. What a good year this will be.

Ed Davis didn't continue his statistical domination as strongly, but the fact remains: He's going to be ridiculously good. His heart-breaking blocks and complete and utter ability to become unstoppable in the low post were a comforting sight. Jon Henson botched a couple of big plays, including a potentially mind blowing reverse ally-oops that my roommate was sure would get him benched for show-boating, but the idea that these astonishing plays could have happened was enough. He handles the ball well, his limbs are long enough to scare people, and he has a deft passing ability I had underestimated. Even if he couldn't get it all together tonight, the potential is there and I can't wait to see it unleashed. He has some great assists.

Drew II is coming along. I'm happy.