2009-10 Team Previews: New York Knicks

Welcome to another wonderful installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So magical that you will be filled with wonder and astonishment and a mystical sense of the magical and mystical magic that is mystic, yet also magic. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the New York Knicks, a lousy team plagued by recent troubles, a proud history, and tremendous anxiety about the future.

Classification
Team I Don't Like

Things I Like
Coach D'Antoni is easily one of everyone's favorite coaches in the league, and I am no exception. Nate Robinson is a certifiable freak of nature who is endlessly compelling and exciting to watch. His highlight reels are worthy of their own taxonomic category of sheer delight. Why is this? It's the obvious answer: Nate Robinson is 5'9". This is also my height. It's also apparently right at the average height for an American man. Nate Robinson could be the compelling Everyman of the NBA, a comfortable anchor of familiarity and realism in a sport populated by fantastic giants. Instead, he is even more alien, because he is not like us. I am the same height as Nate Robinson. I am 99.9% certain I will never be able to dunk. This is true of most men (the average, Everyman) of this most average height. Nate dunks with ease. Nate dunks brilliantly with ease. He is the defending Slam Dunk Champion. But he is the same height as Johnny On-the-Street. It's in this seeming contradiction that Nate draws a lot of his appeal. If you follow the Knicks or really the NBA at all, you probably already know all this and are wondering why I am dwelling on it. Answer: I am dwelling on this because there ain't a lot of good things about the Knicks to talk about. After Nate, it's a whole lot of clouds and little silver lining.

Other potential silver linings: I find Al Harrington delightful for some inexplicable reason and am optimistically excited about the potential of Toney Douglas, Danilo Gallinari, and yes, Darko Milicic.

Things I Don't Like
Everything else. This team is bad, practically by design. They have refused to acquire any decent players and basically just wrote off last season and this season on the hopes that they win the Lebron James sweepstakes or at least get a consolation Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, or Amare Stoudemire. This sucks and everyone knows it. The Knicks are sucking in the hopes that they will be a viable option to Lebron. They had decided to suck, years before this. This will cost them the entire season with no guaranteed result. This is a gamble and one that should make fans really nervous.

Mythology
Wilson Chandler is so forcibly bland and nondescript that the actual Wikipedia page "Trivia" section sounds like it was made up as a sort of subtle satire along the same lines as the Blowtorch's facts about Andre Miller. What follows is the actual Wikipedia excerpt, as of posting time:

Chandler's favorite movie is "He Got Game".
During a game against Wake Forest while he was in college, one of his dunks was #3 on SportsCenter's Top Ten Plays.
He did not go to his senior prom.
Before entering the NBA draft, Chandler hired Chris Grier as his agent.
Wilson signed a shoe endorsment with the Pony Brand. 70's high flyer David Thompson and Spud Webb both wore the shoes in games.
Chandler's favorite food is pepperoni pizza

Wilson Chandler is an NBA starter. He plays for the Knicks in Madison Square Garden. He is a millionaire. He did not go to his senior prom. His favorite food is pepperoni pizza. This is the legend of Wilson Chandler

Prophecy
No team is more invested in the idea of prophecy than the New York Knicks. Indeed, it's the only thing that sustains them. They have to believe that this year is meaningless. They have to believe that it doesn't matter if they are last in the NBA, that hell, that might be favorable. "It's always darkest before dawn," they will say with a sincere look in their eye and their heart singing the name of their messiah, the Chosen One. They chose this. They deliberately chose to suffer so that their sins might be redeemed in the Summer of Lebron, that the meek will indeed inherit the earth, and that lo, they might be able to get Chris Bosh too. Knicks fans will look at you knowingly and nod sagely and say, "All this shall come to pass."

If you know anything about irony, you must know that the Knicks, because of their hope, are doomed forever.

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Verdict
Only watch them if they are playing a team you would watch anyway. Sorry, Knicks fans: to repeat the familiar refrain, maybe next year.

Wednesday Follow-Ups

Time for a quick break from the season previews to keep you up to date on two interesting threads.

Master of His Domain
Chris Bosh, the new and social media maven and only member of the Toronto Raptors I really like, won a legal struggle with a cyber-squatter. As a result, Chris Bosh now owns www.chrisbosh.com. The weird side effect is that now Chris Bosh also owns all the other domains that the cyber-squatter had. Chris Bosh now owns SteveNash.com, KobeStopper.com, and in a weird, Raptory twist, BryanColangelo.com. TrueHoop has the story. Chris Bosh now joins the esteemed Brotherhood of Domain Dealers, led by Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen, the proud owner of menstrualperiods.ca.

The Silence of Gilbert Arenas
I love Gilbert Arenas when he is a swaggering and chattering force of nature. But as I mentioned in the Wizards Team Preview (Cold Fusion Edition), Gilbert has been silent so far this season and had vowed to even stop giving interviews. Well, the NBA wasn't going to let that stand and actually fiend Gilbert and the Wizards some odd thousands of dollars for breaking the media access rules. As a result, Gilbert finally spoke and gave an interview that lasted about a minute and a half and included what I am going to interpret as a cheeky meta-aware allusion to being difficult with the media. Other fun details about that interview include how playful his teammates are with each other and the media. Which brings us to the final point: in light of Gilbert Arenas's radio-(near-)silence, Caron Butler is blogging! Any time and NBA player starts blogging, and more importantly, any time a Wizard starts blogging, there is cause for some joy.

2009-10 Team Previews: Portland Trail Blazers

Welcome to another wonderful installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So magical that you will be filled with wonder and astonishment and a magical sense of the magically magic. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the Portland Trail Blazers, a bright young team with lots of great players, at least one star, and a perennial reputation for being an under-the-radar dark horse. The Portland Trail Blazers are the answer to the question, "How can you be a sleeper if no one is sleeping on you?"

Classification
Team I Admire More Than I Like

What I Like
Brandon Roy is the best-kept secret in the NBA who isn't really a secret at all, but who, due to secret media and basketblog edicts must be referred to as some sort of secret or underground figure in every mention of his greatness. The man is a machine, a legitimate superstar, the number one scoring option on a perennial play-off team. Somehow, this is supposedly secret. Brandon Roy is a great player, but let's stop pretending like he's a secret that squares don't know about. I just don't get it: Is it a Portland thing?

Oh also, he's a really swell guy who his teammates deeply admire: "That's a player, that's a team player. That's somebody that I want to go to battle with."

I enjoy Rudy Fernandez, Greg Oden, and Travis Outlaw because if I were writing a movie about basketball and had to come up with punchy names for the talented supporting role players, these are exactly the names I would use. They would also look precisely how they already do, especially Oden.

What I Don't Like
I'd like you to consider some names and think about how they make you feel: Steve Blake. Andre Miller. Joel Pryzbilla. LaMarcus Aldridge. Nicolas Batum.

Okay, so now some self-examination: how do you feel? You feel nothing? You feel numb and empty and devoid of any trace or semblance of feeling? You feel an existential terror at the nothingness that these names evoke? You feel a creeping, persistent, and pernicious ennui? A boredom so deep as to make you wonder if you will ever feel the same now that you have tasted the blankess of the void, a scarring feeling that makes your happiness seem less full, your love for all other things tainted with the cynicism of having felt literally, absolutely nothing? Right. Me too.

In short, a lot of the Trail Blazers leave me so cold, they make me feel dead inside.

Mythology
The topic at hand is Andre Miller. In light of this numb, hopeless feeling that is feeling my buddy I will direct you to the words of noted Andre Miller expert, Trey Kerby:

1)Some facts about Andre Miller, the most boring player in the NBA.
2) An excerpt from Trey's book. Specifically, a biography about Andre Miller.

God, I feel so cold.

Prophecy
And lo, in the prophecies of our fathers, this was writ of Oden:

"Brandon Roy holds the Gjallarhorn into the air and blows deeply into it, and Oden converses with Olajuwon's head. The world tree, Dikembe Mutombo shudders and groans. The jötunn, Dwight Howard, comes from the east, his shield before him. The Cleavland serpent, Shaquille O'Neal, furiously writhes, causing waves to crash. The Hawks shriek, pale-beaked they tear the corpse of Steve Nash and the ship Naglfar breaks free and sets sail from the east, which Kevin Garnett steers. The fire jötnar inhabitants of Miami come forth. Dwyane Wade advances from the south, his bright sword shining. Lebron James walks the road to Hel and heavens split apart. The gods then do battle with the invaders: Oden dies fighting the wolf, Al Jefferson, causing his wife Frigg her second great sorrow (the first being the death of her son, the god Baldr)."

Oh, Greg Oden! I get confused because of his penchant for always walking around with a raven on each shoulder. Odd, that. Well... Greg Oden will probably get a bunch of double-doubles. All the other stuff is true though.

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Verdict
Cheer on Brandon Roy and his supporting cast of skillful and well-named friends as they publicly and plainly "toil in obscurity." Get a Rasheed Wallace Trail Blazers jersey because those things are badass.

2009-10 Team Previews: Washington Wizards

Welcome to another wonderful installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So wonderful that you will be filled with wonder and astonishment and wonderful wonder. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the Washington Wizards, a really good team that had a really bad season and continue to have some of the most repulsive uniforms in contemporary American sports. They also happen to be pretty ridiculously awesome.

Classification
Team That I Adore

What I Like
Brendan Haywood and Antawn Jamison are University of North Carolina alumni. Caron Butler used to drink massive quantities of Mountain Dew during every game. Javale McGee, Nick Young, and Andray Blatche are easily the funniest, loosest group of young back-ups in the league. DeShawn Stevenson's stupid tattoo's confuse bloggers and sometimes he does the "I can't feel my face" thing, which is pretty awesome. Gilbert Arenas is Gilbert Arenas, and that used to be more than enough for everyone.


What I Don't Like
Brendan Haywood's homophobia is extremely distasteful at best. Caron Butler stopped drinking Mountain Dew. DeShawn Stevenson's tattoos are pretty stupid. Gilbert Arenas has vowed to stop being interesting.

They still all seem to be serious about their rivalry with the Cavs.

All these things point to increased focus and dedication to winning. Unfortunately, I never cared if the Wizards won any games.

Mythology
Gilbert Arenas is powered by swagger the same way that nuclear power plants are powered by atomic processes. Specifically, for years he operated like a breeder reactor, using his swag to generate heat, energy, toxic mutant mutations, and even more swag than he started out with. This made him one of the best and most interesting players in the NBA and one of the most delightful. He is a starter on the Love in the Time of Lebron All-League Team. Visions of a Satanic backcourt of Gilbert and J. R. Smith, shooting with no remorse and driving with supreme athleticism make the self-proclaimed defenders of the doctrinal purity of "Right Way" basketball wake up in a cold sweat. Gilbert wasn't a true subversive, but his swag was, indeed, phenomenal.

That's why the news of a quiet and focused Gil are so troubling to me. Gil is a good player, and he doesn't need a lot of swagger to be a good basketball player. However, if he wants to reach the transcendent heights he once dared , he needs to turn his swag on (I believe that's how Diogenes phrased it). Gil's internal reactor used to burn hot and messy, leaving a trail of mutant eccentricity and glowing power. This is the problem of fission. So far, Gil has been playing his usual style but with less of what the insufferable fans of basketball call "antics." Does this mean that Gil has learned to play without swag? No, my friends: This merely means that Gilbert Arenas has uncovered the cold fusion version of swagger-- theoretically, always possible, just highly improbable. But then, that's Gilbert Arenas.

Prophecy
Assuming Gil really has found the cold-fusion method of swag processing and generation, the Wizards are poised for a poised season, filled with wins and minus all of the "antics" that gave casual fans pause. On the other hand, Gilbert Arenas is not the most reliable or consistent person on the planet. Odds are that the Wizards will be a few games either above or below .500 and that Gilbert, suddenly, and without explanation resume his former position. On the other hand, this reversion, this lapse, will make me love Gil even more.

Also, Caron Butler resumes his Mountain Dew habit.

Related Media



Verdict
Watch as much as you can despite the terrible uniforms. Hope that Gilbert acts like old Gilbert. If the team decides to get too focused, drop them.

2009-10 Team Previews: Los Angeles Clippers

Welcome to another wonderful installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So wonderful that you will be filled with wonder and astonishment and wonderful wonder. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the Los Angeles Clippers, a team that is best known for being terrible since... well forever, basically. Whether it is some sort of twisted Native American curse or simple ineptitude, these doomed losers deserve a closer look.

Classification
Team With Players That I Like and That I Could Grow To Love

What I Like
This team barely won at all last season. Years of sports movie cliches have conditioned me to look at every chronic loser as a plucky underdog deserving of my support. Basically, the Clippers owe a lot of my sympathy to the Rick Moranis film, Little Giants.

Additionaly, this team has a ton of players that I like or that I at least think are interesting. Beyond merely being interesting, they are talented and deep. Maybe most importantly, they got rid of Zach Randolph. Blake Griffin, as you might have heard, is supposedly, not a bad player, and last year, Eric Gordon was lighting it up in relative anonymity. Both are exciting and skilled players. Chris Kaman is endlessly fascinating to me, if only because his love of firearms and explosives leaves me deeply frightened. And then there is Baron Davis.

I love Baron Davis. He's skilled as all hell, plays with a goofy nonchalance, and still manages to burn people with his speed and talent. His swagger is untouchable, his beard, both gentlemanly and scholarly. On the court, he's a terror and he has the potential to be the best player on the floor on almost any given night. Off the court, he's a free-wheeling goofball who spends his spare time making and producing films. Basically, he's what I would want to be like were I a professional basketball player. Some people criticize Baron Davis for his poor decision-making and laziness, and that just makes me relate to the guy more: I too an often taken to task or my bad personal judgment and laziness! He's just like us, ya'll, inconsequential faults and all.

What I Don't Like

The Clippers losing ways go beyond bad luck. Aside from the addition of Blake Griffin and the subtraction of Zach Randolph (not to undersell this giant upgrade), the roster pretty much stayed the same. These are the same Clippers who spent the past season fighting it out for worst team in the league. How is that possible with so many talented players? Terrible coaching, terrible management, terrible chemistry, and a special case of what must be divine spite. This team must be cursed. There is no other explanation for how so many good players can play so poorly together and lose so many games: intense divine disfavor. The Clippers have drawn the ire of the Old Ones and will continue to pay the penalty until all Clippers fans are driven to insanity in face of the terrible, despairing madness they are forced to watch night in and night out. The Clippers aren't plucky underdogs- they are the cursed scions of some fell and eldritch power.

Mythology
Baron Davis actually does hold the title of Baron in a small section of Flanders. You will notice many of the European players will greet him in a respectful, if somewhat old-fashioned manner. He also, technically, holds the title of Jarl in a region of Sweden near Gothenburg. This mark of honor bestows on him the right to wear a saber denoting his station during NBA games, which he did during a single season at Charlotte. He has since discontinued the practice.

Prophecy
Mike Dunleavy will be driven mad by the unspeakable and terrible truth of the forbidden power of the abominable madness that governs this twisted planet. Baron Davis's fate, for good or for ill, will be tied to the fate of his beard.

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Verdict
Watch them until it's painful. This team has so much potential and is filled with fun and interesting players. Still, they are the Clippers, so bad to mediocre seems so much more likely

2009-10 Team Previews: Toronto Raptors

Welcome to another delightful installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So delightful that you will be filled with delight and astonishment and delightful delight. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the Toronto Raptors, better known by their street name, bestowed upon them by our beloved North American youth, the Torsuckto Sucktors. Ahh, youth.

Classification
Team That I Don't Like, Despite A Few Cool Things

What I Like
Chris Bosh is, as you might have heard, a very skilled basketball player and arguably the best young power forward in the game. He also seems like a kind and thoughtful young man. He is also one of the most brilliant and adept adopters of new media; I enjoy his tweeting and youtubing. Marco Belinelli is a sweet-shooting, potentially incendiary young player who is a refugee of the once-valiant and fun Warriors. Hedo Turkoglu is 6'10" freak at "small" forward who, at that position, embodies a host of mismatches and problems that flummoxed other teams all last season when he was on the Magic.

Indeed, with Bargnani and Bosh each playing away from the basket, Hedo causing other mismatches, and Calderon and Belinelli keying a bizarre brand of psuedo-Eurostyle basketball, this team has the potential to be really weird and interesting. That alone is worth celebrating.

What I Don't Like
The Toronto Raptors basketball culture is foul and villainous. The fans, organization, and media of the fine city of Toronto are best known to me for driving away/getting rid of some of the finest players (and some of my favorite players) of the recent era. I am talking here about Vince Carter. I am talking here about Tracy McGrady. These guys were amazing at their peaks. They were on this team at the same time. The Raptors ruined it. Instead of having one of the most dynamic and exciting teams of the early part of this decade they doomed themselves to mediocrity and liberated Mr. Carter and Mr. McGrady. This is worth mentioning because the foul and villainous basketball culture of Toronto is doing the same thing to Chris Bosh. Idiotic calls for him to be traded reaching an insane and inane fevered pitch as the trade deadline approached last season, and unless somehow the Raptors get off to a roaring start, expect the foul and villainous basketball culture to blame their star and try to run him out of town. For shame.

Also, it bears pointing out that when people talk about how the Raptors play with a European style infused into their own, it is not as fun as you might think. You might be thinking, "Oh, like D'Antoni's Suns! Free-wheeling gunning with great ball movement!" but you would be wrong to think that. The Raptors are not like that. They are the opposite side of the D'Antoni Suns coin: All the stupid and tedious things about European basketball that don't really translate well without any of the fun parts. So yes, it's weird and interesting. But, no, it is not fun.

Worth mentioning: The Raptors are one ill-advised Chris Bosh trade away from having a starting five composed solely of Europeans. How mustachioed.

Mythology
Jose Calderon has a pig farm. If there is any lesson to be learned from Guy Ritchie, it is "Never trust a man who owns a pig farm."


So, this begs the question: Is Jose Calderon keeping a pig farm so that he can more efficiently dispose of bodies accrued during his activities with the Spanish mob? The answer, which I think we must arrive at, is yes. Jose Calderon is disposing of corpses at the behest of the Spanish mob. Now, here is the interesting question: What is the extent of his involvement with organized crime? Does he only get rid of bodies or is he the source of some of the bodies? How high up is he?

From his uncanny aim at the free throw line, I think it's only logical to assume that Calderon is literally a sharp-shooting assassin, responsible for dozens of murders ala Steve Nash, that other famous Canadian killer. He takes down his own targets and disposes of the bodies.

By virtue of his millionaire status, I think it's safe to assume that he's fairly high up, or indeed, at the top and wields some powerful influence as an underworld figure in Spain. Now, I am not being accusatory, but consider this: Who used to be the starting point guard of the Spanish National Team? Jose Calderon. Who is the current starting point guard of the Spanish National Team? Ricky Rubio. Now, I'm not saying that there is a vendetta between the two, but don't you find it suspicious that Ricky Rubio was strangely blocked from entering the NBA by sinister, mysterious international forces? I'm not saying that a Spanish crime syndicate conspired with a clearly terrified for his life David Kahn to prevent Ricky Rubio from entering the NBA. I just want you to consider the facts. (Please don't kill me Mr. Calderon).

Prophecy
Mid-season, the Raptors will trade Chris Bosh to the Orlando Magic for Marcin Gortat and Michael Pietrus. Chris Bosh will average 30/20/3 over the last half of the season. The Raptors will lose all but three of their games over the same stretch. Ricky Rubio, David Kahn, and yours truly will vanish inexplicably. No bodies will be found.

Relevant Media




Verdict
Watch them on the off-chance that their new look and style is special and intriguing, but feel free to stop-watching their particular brand of European influenced sucking when they inevitably stay the same. Watch Chris Bosh do amazing things until they drive him out of town. Politely applaud Jose Calderon or else.

2009-10 Team Previews: Los Angeles Lakers

After an informal hiatus, Love in the Time Of Lebron is back and totally psyched, you guys, about basketball. The pre-season started on Friday and all the teams are getting warmed up for whats sure to be an exciting season. In the same way, this blog is going to get warme dup with the hoariest of pre-season blog cliches: TEAM PREVIEWS!

Love in the Time of Lebron will be breaking down for you all thirty teams in the League, and telling you whether you should love them or hate them and why. We have opinions so you don't have to.

Classification
Team That I Hate and Love

What I Like
"The Lakers are mulling starting a big lineup of Bryant, Artest, Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Odom, who regularly came off the bench last season."

That's fucked up in the best possible way. I love it when teams take a risk with a bizarre line-up that will, at the least, make the other team sweat trying to think of a counter. In some ways that was the entire rationale behind the Orlando Magic last season. But, lets contemplate this highly speculative line-up: It is, offensively and defensively as nasty as it gets. The idea of Kobe Bryant guarding point guards alone is one that should make a lot of teams lose a lot of sleep. The odds of the Lakers going to this line-up regularly is slim because of their commitment to sticking with, you know, the strategies that have helped them win so much. Still, the idea of this line up is a big draw to me.

Other reasons to watch and like the Lakers: Lamar Odom is a delightful human being and a freakish basketball player who can change games by doing a million little things at once. Mercurial forward Ron Artest is a chippy badass who makes any game he is in suddenly potentially explosive. Adam Morrison is skeezy in a legendary way. Kobe Bryant is a basketball savant whose dedication to his craft is mesmerizing and impossible not to watch.

What I Don't Like
Kobe Bryant is a ruthless potential sociopath. Kobe, what is best in life? "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." - Kobe Bryant. That is why you should be scared if your friend tells you that Kobe is their favorite player.

This team is a soulless juggernaut, and the flashes of fire that seem most interesting (notably, mercurial forward Ron Artest) are the things Laker's fans fear most. Pau Gasol is undeniably effective, but I don't think I've ever seen a more empty eyed look from a power forward outside of Tim Duncan. The slack-jawed glazed look couple with the most epic neckbeard in the NBA makes for an undeniably talented face that I don't think even Marc can love. Sasha Vujacic is an easy target, but there's a reason for that; anyone who gives them self the nickname "The Machine" is totally worthy of some scorn. Also, Luke Walton is simply the worst.

Mythology
Lots of people have discussed the Lamar Odom's love of candy. He's been dubbed by more than one person, "The Candyman." But are we overlooking something obvious?

I'm not making any accusations, but I am urging some careful consideration. Is it possible that the legendary supernatural killer is hiding in the spotlight. Could it be that the Candyman is the Candyman? Is Lamar Odom's aww-shucks attitude and cheerful demeanor a mere act? More importantly: WHO WAS IT WHO SUMMONED HIM?

Prophecy
In January, the Lakers will set a record for greatest use of on-court demonic powers when, simultaneously, Lamar Odom reveals himself as the Candyman, an exorcism (performed by an unknown figure hidden deep within the bowels of the Staples Center) sends a small horde of cacodemons pouring out of Ron Artest's mouth to ravage the specators, and Kobe Bryant kneels down at half-court and completes the final stage of his diabolic pact causing him to sprout horns and leathery wings in hopes of countering Lebron's recent angelic transformation. Also, Walton and Vujacic are revealed as some kind of demons of incompetence and Adam Morrison is revealed as the newest incarnation of the Laker's Skeeze Demon legacy (most famous incarnation: Kurt Rambis).

Relevant Media


Verdict
Watch them when they play because they are terribly good and wield unholy powers. Hate and fear them for the same reasons. Also, because the triangle offense is boring and Pau Gasol is hard to look at.