I was watching the first game of the Finals and I was really impressed by how well the Lakers were playing. Then I saw this interview with Kobe. In this rad little piece, he talks about how he was influenced by the styles of lots of the great players before him. Seeing that, combined with the Lakers play convinced me that the Lakers could very well sweep.
Impressive stuff, Kobe. Then I had the misfortune of seeing this.
This is a clip from Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the reality show about the Kardashian family. Lamar Odom, power forward for the Lakers, is married to Khloe Kardashian. In this clip, Khloe works on a sexy video for Lamar. The key section of the clip involves a topless Khloe lounging in a bath tub full of candy. This is because, as you may have heard, Lamar Odom enjoys candy. He also presumably enjoys his naked wife. Obviously, the combination of the two things then must logically be incredibly sexy to Lamar. That being said: OH MY GOD, MY EYES.
Incidentally, in case you had a case of deja vu set off by the Khloe-covered-in-candy-because-of-Odom center of your brain, it's probably because you remember this story, which is about the time Khloe woke up confused and covered in melted chocolate because Lamar apparently stashed a ton of it in their bed and fell asleep before eating it all.
Yeah, gross. This is the kind of challenging background research I do for this blog. You are welcome.
Oh right, and now for the trenchant analysis you came here for: There is no way in hell that the Lakers can win because Lamar + Khloe + candy = DIVINE DISFAVOR. Sorry, Kobe, your good karma and respect for your fore-bearers can't undo the black magic of reality stars.
Here is a video from last year about how much Lamar loves candy.
Here is a clip of Lamar eating a PowerBar Energy Gel Blast which is apparently like candy but helps you dunk on the moon.
Here is the trailer from the 1992 horror film, "Candyman."
Here is the place where I made a joke about Lamar Odom and "Candyman" before, because I am a hack with recycled jokes.
Here is the place where I would have put the video to that Christina Aguilera song, "Candyman," but didn't because the world is cruel enough already and I am so sorry about that Keeping Up With the Kardashians video.
I'm so sorry.
Showing posts with label lamar odom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lamar odom. Show all posts
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sunday, October 4, 2009
2009-10 Team Previews: Los Angeles Lakers
After an informal hiatus, Love in the Time Of Lebron is back and totally psyched, you guys, about basketball. The pre-season started on Friday and all the teams are getting warmed up for whats sure to be an exciting season. In the same way, this blog is going to get warme dup with the hoariest of pre-season blog cliches: TEAM PREVIEWS!
Love in the Time of Lebron will be breaking down for you all thirty teams in the League, and telling you whether you should love them or hate them and why. We have opinions so you don't have to.
Classification
Team That I Hate and Love
What I Like
"The Lakers are mulling starting a big lineup of Bryant, Artest, Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Odom, who regularly came off the bench last season."
That's fucked up in the best possible way. I love it when teams take a risk with a bizarre line-up that will, at the least, make the other team sweat trying to think of a counter. In some ways that was the entire rationale behind the Orlando Magic last season. But, lets contemplate this highly speculative line-up: It is, offensively and defensively as nasty as it gets. The idea of Kobe Bryant guarding point guards alone is one that should make a lot of teams lose a lot of sleep. The odds of the Lakers going to this line-up regularly is slim because of their commitment to sticking with, you know, the strategies that have helped them win so much. Still, the idea of this line up is a big draw to me.
Other reasons to watch and like the Lakers: Lamar Odom is a delightful human being and a freakish basketball player who can change games by doing a million little things at once. Mercurial forward Ron Artest is a chippy badass who makes any game he is in suddenly potentially explosive. Adam Morrison is skeezy in a legendary way. Kobe Bryant is a basketball savant whose dedication to his craft is mesmerizing and impossible not to watch.
What I Don't Like
Kobe Bryant is a ruthless potential sociopath. Kobe, what is best in life? "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." - Kobe Bryant. That is why you should be scared if your friend tells you that Kobe is their favorite player.
This team is a soulless juggernaut, and the flashes of fire that seem most interesting (notably, mercurial forward Ron Artest) are the things Laker's fans fear most. Pau Gasol is undeniably effective, but I don't think I've ever seen a more empty eyed look from a power forward outside of Tim Duncan. The slack-jawed glazed look couple with the most epic neckbeard in the NBA makes for an undeniably talented face that I don't think even Marc can love. Sasha Vujacic is an easy target, but there's a reason for that; anyone who gives them self the nickname "The Machine" is totally worthy of some scorn. Also, Luke Walton is simply the worst.
Mythology
Lots of people have discussed the Lamar Odom's love of candy. He's been dubbed by more than one person, "The Candyman." But are we overlooking something obvious?
I'm not making any accusations, but I am urging some careful consideration. Is it possible that the legendary supernatural killer is hiding in the spotlight. Could it be that the Candyman is the Candyman? Is Lamar Odom's aww-shucks attitude and cheerful demeanor a mere act? More importantly: WHO WAS IT WHO SUMMONED HIM?
Prophecy
In January, the Lakers will set a record for greatest use of on-court demonic powers when, simultaneously, Lamar Odom reveals himself as the Candyman, an exorcism (performed by an unknown figure hidden deep within the bowels of the Staples Center) sends a small horde of cacodemons pouring out of Ron Artest's mouth to ravage the specators, and Kobe Bryant kneels down at half-court and completes the final stage of his diabolic pact causing him to sprout horns and leathery wings in hopes of countering Lebron's recent angelic transformation. Also, Walton and Vujacic are revealed as some kind of demons of incompetence and Adam Morrison is revealed as the newest incarnation of the Laker's Skeeze Demon legacy (most famous incarnation: Kurt Rambis).
Relevant Media
Verdict
Watch them when they play because they are terribly good and wield unholy powers. Hate and fear them for the same reasons. Also, because the triangle offense is boring and Pau Gasol is hard to look at.
Love in the Time of Lebron will be breaking down for you all thirty teams in the League, and telling you whether you should love them or hate them and why. We have opinions so you don't have to.
Classification
Team That I Hate and Love
What I Like
"The Lakers are mulling starting a big lineup of Bryant, Artest, Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Odom, who regularly came off the bench last season."
That's fucked up in the best possible way. I love it when teams take a risk with a bizarre line-up that will, at the least, make the other team sweat trying to think of a counter. In some ways that was the entire rationale behind the Orlando Magic last season. But, lets contemplate this highly speculative line-up: It is, offensively and defensively as nasty as it gets. The idea of Kobe Bryant guarding point guards alone is one that should make a lot of teams lose a lot of sleep. The odds of the Lakers going to this line-up regularly is slim because of their commitment to sticking with, you know, the strategies that have helped them win so much. Still, the idea of this line up is a big draw to me.
Other reasons to watch and like the Lakers: Lamar Odom is a delightful human being and a freakish basketball player who can change games by doing a million little things at once. Mercurial forward Ron Artest is a chippy badass who makes any game he is in suddenly potentially explosive. Adam Morrison is skeezy in a legendary way. Kobe Bryant is a basketball savant whose dedication to his craft is mesmerizing and impossible not to watch.
What I Don't Like
Kobe Bryant is a ruthless potential sociopath. Kobe, what is best in life? "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." - Kobe Bryant. That is why you should be scared if your friend tells you that Kobe is their favorite player.
This team is a soulless juggernaut, and the flashes of fire that seem most interesting (notably, mercurial forward Ron Artest) are the things Laker's fans fear most. Pau Gasol is undeniably effective, but I don't think I've ever seen a more empty eyed look from a power forward outside of Tim Duncan. The slack-jawed glazed look couple with the most epic neckbeard in the NBA makes for an undeniably talented face that I don't think even Marc can love. Sasha Vujacic is an easy target, but there's a reason for that; anyone who gives them self the nickname "The Machine" is totally worthy of some scorn. Also, Luke Walton is simply the worst.
Mythology
Lots of people have discussed the Lamar Odom's love of candy. He's been dubbed by more than one person, "The Candyman." But are we overlooking something obvious?
I'm not making any accusations, but I am urging some careful consideration. Is it possible that the legendary supernatural killer is hiding in the spotlight. Could it be that the Candyman is the Candyman? Is Lamar Odom's aww-shucks attitude and cheerful demeanor a mere act? More importantly: WHO WAS IT WHO SUMMONED HIM?
Prophecy
In January, the Lakers will set a record for greatest use of on-court demonic powers when, simultaneously, Lamar Odom reveals himself as the Candyman, an exorcism (performed by an unknown figure hidden deep within the bowels of the Staples Center) sends a small horde of cacodemons pouring out of Ron Artest's mouth to ravage the specators, and Kobe Bryant kneels down at half-court and completes the final stage of his diabolic pact causing him to sprout horns and leathery wings in hopes of countering Lebron's recent angelic transformation. Also, Walton and Vujacic are revealed as some kind of demons of incompetence and Adam Morrison is revealed as the newest incarnation of the Laker's Skeeze Demon legacy (most famous incarnation: Kurt Rambis).
Relevant Media
Verdict
Watch them when they play because they are terribly good and wield unholy powers. Hate and fear them for the same reasons. Also, because the triangle offense is boring and Pau Gasol is hard to look at.
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