2009-10 Team Previews: Toronto Raptors

Welcome to another delightful installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So delightful that you will be filled with delight and astonishment and delightful delight. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the Toronto Raptors, better known by their street name, bestowed upon them by our beloved North American youth, the Torsuckto Sucktors. Ahh, youth.

Classification
Team That I Don't Like, Despite A Few Cool Things

What I Like
Chris Bosh is, as you might have heard, a very skilled basketball player and arguably the best young power forward in the game. He also seems like a kind and thoughtful young man. He is also one of the most brilliant and adept adopters of new media; I enjoy his tweeting and youtubing. Marco Belinelli is a sweet-shooting, potentially incendiary young player who is a refugee of the once-valiant and fun Warriors. Hedo Turkoglu is 6'10" freak at "small" forward who, at that position, embodies a host of mismatches and problems that flummoxed other teams all last season when he was on the Magic.

Indeed, with Bargnani and Bosh each playing away from the basket, Hedo causing other mismatches, and Calderon and Belinelli keying a bizarre brand of psuedo-Eurostyle basketball, this team has the potential to be really weird and interesting. That alone is worth celebrating.

What I Don't Like
The Toronto Raptors basketball culture is foul and villainous. The fans, organization, and media of the fine city of Toronto are best known to me for driving away/getting rid of some of the finest players (and some of my favorite players) of the recent era. I am talking here about Vince Carter. I am talking here about Tracy McGrady. These guys were amazing at their peaks. They were on this team at the same time. The Raptors ruined it. Instead of having one of the most dynamic and exciting teams of the early part of this decade they doomed themselves to mediocrity and liberated Mr. Carter and Mr. McGrady. This is worth mentioning because the foul and villainous basketball culture of Toronto is doing the same thing to Chris Bosh. Idiotic calls for him to be traded reaching an insane and inane fevered pitch as the trade deadline approached last season, and unless somehow the Raptors get off to a roaring start, expect the foul and villainous basketball culture to blame their star and try to run him out of town. For shame.

Also, it bears pointing out that when people talk about how the Raptors play with a European style infused into their own, it is not as fun as you might think. You might be thinking, "Oh, like D'Antoni's Suns! Free-wheeling gunning with great ball movement!" but you would be wrong to think that. The Raptors are not like that. They are the opposite side of the D'Antoni Suns coin: All the stupid and tedious things about European basketball that don't really translate well without any of the fun parts. So yes, it's weird and interesting. But, no, it is not fun.

Worth mentioning: The Raptors are one ill-advised Chris Bosh trade away from having a starting five composed solely of Europeans. How mustachioed.

Mythology
Jose Calderon has a pig farm. If there is any lesson to be learned from Guy Ritchie, it is "Never trust a man who owns a pig farm."


So, this begs the question: Is Jose Calderon keeping a pig farm so that he can more efficiently dispose of bodies accrued during his activities with the Spanish mob? The answer, which I think we must arrive at, is yes. Jose Calderon is disposing of corpses at the behest of the Spanish mob. Now, here is the interesting question: What is the extent of his involvement with organized crime? Does he only get rid of bodies or is he the source of some of the bodies? How high up is he?

From his uncanny aim at the free throw line, I think it's only logical to assume that Calderon is literally a sharp-shooting assassin, responsible for dozens of murders ala Steve Nash, that other famous Canadian killer. He takes down his own targets and disposes of the bodies.

By virtue of his millionaire status, I think it's safe to assume that he's fairly high up, or indeed, at the top and wields some powerful influence as an underworld figure in Spain. Now, I am not being accusatory, but consider this: Who used to be the starting point guard of the Spanish National Team? Jose Calderon. Who is the current starting point guard of the Spanish National Team? Ricky Rubio. Now, I'm not saying that there is a vendetta between the two, but don't you find it suspicious that Ricky Rubio was strangely blocked from entering the NBA by sinister, mysterious international forces? I'm not saying that a Spanish crime syndicate conspired with a clearly terrified for his life David Kahn to prevent Ricky Rubio from entering the NBA. I just want you to consider the facts. (Please don't kill me Mr. Calderon).

Prophecy
Mid-season, the Raptors will trade Chris Bosh to the Orlando Magic for Marcin Gortat and Michael Pietrus. Chris Bosh will average 30/20/3 over the last half of the season. The Raptors will lose all but three of their games over the same stretch. Ricky Rubio, David Kahn, and yours truly will vanish inexplicably. No bodies will be found.

Relevant Media




Verdict
Watch them on the off-chance that their new look and style is special and intriguing, but feel free to stop-watching their particular brand of European influenced sucking when they inevitably stay the same. Watch Chris Bosh do amazing things until they drive him out of town. Politely applaud Jose Calderon or else.

Saturday Catch-Up: UNC and Michael Jordan.

UNC Alumni Game
Last weekend, the Dean Smith center in Chapel Hill played host to an exhibition game made up of former UNC basketball players. It was, in short ridiculous. Some highlights: Vince Carter dunking off a ball bounced off the backboard (twice). Wayne Ellington dunking on Antawn Jamison. Ty Lawson crossing over Raymond Felton. Danny Green, the surprising high scorer, was draining threes from all over. Everyone was there (except Rasheed Wallace), and it was beautiful. LIKE A DREAM.

Here are some highlights:

Here is the box score.

The others were all there. You'd see them around town all week. It was UNC basketball nirvana. Some bits of related miscellany:

Rashad McCants Still Looking For A Job

I love Rashad. He treats his fans pretty well, despite anything I may have said in the past. How many NBA players give out their Xbox Live handle, their AIM, and their BlackBerry Messenger info in an effort to keep talking and playing with all of his fans? Not too many. He's a good guy and a helluva baller, but his inablity to get a job right now apparently got the Carolina family concerned. This is a nice article about the resulting discussion.

Marvin Williams Middle Name
I love Marvin. I may have, however, unfairly called him a nerd. Why do I now step back from this? His middle name is Gaye. Marvin Gaye Williams. This man can not, by law, be a nerd. Apologies all round.

The Man
Also at the Alumni Game, there was a Man. His name is Michael Jordan. Last night he was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Now, thousands of words have already been written about this event and MJ and what he means. I just want to make two points: When people talk about the greatness of Carolina Basketball, they usually link it to Dean Smith, and this is indisputable. The first NCAA Championship that Dean Smith won, however, is owed to Michael Jordan, that final winning shot against Georgetown. Without Jordan, Dean Smith has one championship. A great coach, but not one of the greatest of all time. Carolina Basketball, as an institution, plays down the role of Jordan, instead emphasizing a grand tradition of which Jordan is only a small part. Amazingly though, this is one area in which Jordan maybe doesn't get enough credit. Dean Smith is the Man in Chapel Hill, but what would he have been without Jordan?

The second point I want to emphasize is one about the NBA. The NBA, unlike most other sports leagues, is one where the central driving narrative of the league is easily and readily apparent. The individual struggles of the various cities and teams to win championships is a tiny, minor part of the NBA. If I were trying to explain to a Hollywood studio guy what the NBA is about in terms of it's spine or central story, the answer is easy: Who is the heir of Jordan? Is it Lebron? WILL HE FULFILL THE PROPHECY?

Jordan was the Greatest of All Time (some proof) and anyone who suggests otherwise is flatly wrong. Basketball since his reign, and even during the latter part of it, has been preoccupied with the search for a worthy heir. This is what has been driving the story of the NBA. For a while, we thought it was Kobe, but the sun is setting on him and it looks like he was merely a mirage. Unless he wins the championship every season for the next three seasons, and even if he does, it's hard to credit Kobe as a credible heir.

But what of Lebron, the Chosen One? Well, using some projections, it looks like he's going to have a real chance at surpassing the statistical achievements of Jordan, at least. The guys at Basketball Prospectus break it down here. Will he win six championships though? Much harder to say. But, this, the underlying thought behind this question, is the reason we watch the NBA. The spine, the essence, the main plot of the NBA is whether Lebron will meet expectations and surpass the achievements of Jordan. There are subplots, rivalries, and championships; these are interesting and entertaining details, but they really are just subplots. When boiled down to its bare essence, the question is as simple and elemental as you might imagine: Will anyone ever be as good as Jordan?

This is why we can't take our eyes off the Chosen One. The era of Jordan is officially done. Now, we live in the time of Lebron.

That is all.