Offseason Shenanigans

What do NBA players do in the off-season? Lots of players take different approaches.  Obviously, it's a big time for free agent negotiations, high-level conditioning with their training staff, and international competition. Lots of guys also take much-deserved vacations, sometimes with a little spiritual awakening and education included.

So, let's take a look at what some of the Love in the Time Of LeBron Award Winners did this off-season:

This one dude made some sort of decision to join the Miami Heat. No, not Eddie House, whatshisname. You know. Damn it's on the tip of my tongue. In any case, afterwards, he celebrated like this. There was no fall out from any of these events and everyone continued to love this player.

Speaking of televised idiocy, Shaq spent most of the summer competing against people on his show, Shaq vs. In tonight's season debut, which, by total coincidence happens to be just around the time details about his deal with the Celtics became public, he competed in a spelling bee and raced Dale Earnhardt Jr. Here is a picture of Shaq trying to fit into a race car.

In less douchey news, Channing Frye is hosting a charity adult kickball tournament in Portland. Of course he is. According to the tournament's website the tournament will last all day and include a "stage with music, food, beer garden, yard games and activities including a bouncy castle!" Of course it will. Damn you and your likability, Channing Frye.

In other childhood-sports-co-opted-by-grown-ass-adults news, Ron Artest decided to get in shape for the off-season the only way he knew how: by crashing a dodgeball game.

Oh, Ron. At least he's in good company.

Love in the Time of LeBron NBA Awards

It’s the end of the season, and what a season it was. The lovable underdogs, the Los Angeles Lakers took home the championship and the Summer of 2010 is about to descend in all of it’s apocalyptic fury. Incidentally, one year ago on this very day, this blog started with a vision of human sacrifice performed by a back-up for the Minnesota Timberwolves. We have come so far since then. Let’s celebrate with the first annual Love in the Time of LeBron NBA Awards. Yes, we are doing this. Yes.

All Fallen Heroes Team
This is the team of my five favorite players who were once truly great but saw terrible decline this season. Either felled by their own tragic flaws, the indifference of a cruel universe, or the sapping, and unrelenting force of age and time, some of my absolute favorite players became shadows of themselves this past season, and left me sad. The flickering torches of true and genuine greatness must be passed before they extinguish. We grow old, we grow old, and we wearour trousers like damn fools. For the heroes.

PG Gilbert Arenas
SG Allen Iverson
SF Vince Carter
PF Kevin Garnett
C Shaquille O’Neal

All Nerd Team
Just a bunch of nice guys who leave their comics, videogames, Rubik's cubes, and blogs. Oh and Steve Nash. Sure, Steve Nash isn’t nerdy in those same terms, but he’s deeply silly, and well, I mean c’mon.

PG Steve Nash
SG Danny Granger
SF Marvin Williams
PF Channing Frye
C Brook Lopez

Creepy Cerebral Team
Not nerds, but (potentially) evil geniuses. This team would pick you apart so fast that you couldn’t help but feel naked. Some of the most ruthlessly gifted players in the league, but also uncannily bright. Imagine the team meetings.

PG Steve Nash
SG Kobe Bryant
SF Shane Battier
PF Tim Duncan
C Emeka Okafor

Total Badass Team
Be honest with me. Would you mess with a single guy on this team? Note, four out of five made the Finals and the other went to jail. Just saying.

PG Gilbert Arenas
SG Kobe Bryant
SF Ron Artest
PF Kevin Garnett
C Rasheed Wallace

All Nemesis Team
If you have the ball, who do you not want to see defending you? These guys. Not quite the all-defensive team, but rather a collection of the peskiest defenders in the league who pride themselves in getting under your skin an inside your head. Varejao must exemplifies that attitude and Sasha and Birdman combine that with certain magical quality that just make people hate them. Rondo and Wallace are legitimately great defenders by everyone’s accounting, but they bring a certain stony athletic quality that scares their opponents. I love that.

PG Rajon Rondo
SG Sasha Vujacic
SF Gerald Wallace
PF Anderson Varejao
C Chris Anderson

Pure Joy Team
I love watching these five guys. Wish they were in every game. They play brilliant, joyful basketball and remind me of the full potential of the NBA. Also, maybe just a coincidental fact, but nice smiles all round. Think about it.

PG Chris Paul
SG Ray Allen
SF LeBron James
PF Josh Smith
C Dwight Howard

Can We Hang Out Team?
Simply put, the guys in the NBA who I want to hang out with. Dudes who just seem cool, nice, and relatively down to Earth for ridiculously talented millionaires. Maybe not the ultimate list of dudes who you’d want to hit the club, but definitely the dudes who I’d want to go to a barbecue with. Another name for this list might be, “Why I’m Not Bill Simmons.”

PG Steve Nash
SG Baron Davis
SF Caron Butler
PF Channing Frye
C Brook Lopez

All Bench Team
Personal and sentimental favorites who could totally start for lots of teams. They are all starters in my heart.

PG Ty Lawson
SG Goran Dragic
SF Martel Webster
PF Marcin Gortat
C Channing Frye

Gimme Some More Team
We didn’t get to see very much of these guys this season, and that’s a shame because the are all awesome or dripping with awesome potential. Injuries and a lack of national TV coverage did these guys in.

PG Chris Paul
SG Kevin Martin
SF Gerald Wallace
PF Blake Griffin
C Greg Oden

Hipster Team
Not necessarily made up of hipsters, but full of “underground,” “buzz,” and “cult” picks. One of these picks, I am told, is “ironic.” Bonus Rorschach test: if you scoff at these picks for being too obvious: what does that say about you? If you scoff at these picks for being too irrelevant: what does that say about you?

PG Brandon Jennings
SG Rudy Fernandez
SF Luke Walton
PF Serge Ibaka
C Ian Mahinmi

Thomas’s Psychosexual Dream Team
The heroes and actors of Thomas’s over active imagination and bizarre repressed desires. Fully bearded and soft on the inside. Perfect. They would probably win about five straight championships if they weren’t too busy being metaphors for Thomas's psyche.

PG Derek Fisher
SG Dwyane Wade
SF Lebron James
PF Troy Murphy
C Pau Gasol


All Destiny Team
This one is just for fun. Listen, I know this can’t happen, but here it is. Of the possible free-agent super teams that can be created, by necessity, the best ones involve LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzki. They complement each other far better than LeBron with his mini-me in Wade or the skilled, but distinctly unfreakishly singular Bosh and Stoudemire. If you start talking about Joe Johnson and Rudy Gay I will laugh in your face. In any event, this scenario supposes that LeBron signs with Chicago and through a series of fanciful sign and trades, gets rid of Hinrich and Deng and brings in Dirk and noble Ray Allen, who signs for a relatively low contract to be apart of this new superteam. Ray and Dirk offer the three-point shooting LeBron has always needed. Noah offers the gifts of a true center and defensive anchor, while Rose offers a harmonizing, slashing counterpoint to LeBron’s game. Maybe this would be slightly more possible in New Jersey with Harris and Lopez playing the part of the young core, but this dream is just too beautiful.

PG Derrick Rose
SG Ray Allen
SF LeBron James
PF Dirk Nowitzki
C Joachim Noah

All Love in the Time of LeBron Team
“For exemplifying the spirit of the blog and all of it’s ridiculousness.”

PG Steve Nash
SG Allen Iverson
SF LeBron James
PF Channing Frye
C Shaquille O’Neal

Beard of the Year
Baron Davis

He faced a stern challenges from young James Harden, but Boom’s beard abides.

Dreamhaunter of the Year
Tyler Hansbrough

I don’t get it, but it’s just a fact.

Team of the Year
Nuggets, Thunder, Suns

I couldn’t decide. For my money, these are the three most fun teams in the league. The Suns seemed destined to fade fast. The end of the Nuggets as we know them looms. Enjoy these two teams in their twilight and then bask in the glorious dawn of the Thunder. May they reign forever.

Disappointment of the Year
Wizards, Hawks, and Clippers

I couldn’t decide again. I thought each of these teams were going to be legitimately good but they were each undone by their respective weaknesses: fingergunz, poor coaching, and being the Clippers.

Coach of the Year
Alvin Gentry, Suns.

Is any other coach in this league so loved by his team? Does any coach in the league love his team as much as Alvin? We are all about love here: it’s in the name.

Love in the Time of LeBron Player of the Year
Chaning Frye

You all know why.

Love in the Time of LeBron Champion of the Year
Ron Artest.

Everything is coming up Ron Ron. Let's stop here, fellow champions.

2009-10 Team Previews: Los Angeles Lakers

After an informal hiatus, Love in the Time Of Lebron is back and totally psyched, you guys, about basketball. The pre-season started on Friday and all the teams are getting warmed up for whats sure to be an exciting season. In the same way, this blog is going to get warme dup with the hoariest of pre-season blog cliches: TEAM PREVIEWS!

Love in the Time of Lebron will be breaking down for you all thirty teams in the League, and telling you whether you should love them or hate them and why. We have opinions so you don't have to.

Classification
Team That I Hate and Love

What I Like
"The Lakers are mulling starting a big lineup of Bryant, Artest, Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Odom, who regularly came off the bench last season."

That's fucked up in the best possible way. I love it when teams take a risk with a bizarre line-up that will, at the least, make the other team sweat trying to think of a counter. In some ways that was the entire rationale behind the Orlando Magic last season. But, lets contemplate this highly speculative line-up: It is, offensively and defensively as nasty as it gets. The idea of Kobe Bryant guarding point guards alone is one that should make a lot of teams lose a lot of sleep. The odds of the Lakers going to this line-up regularly is slim because of their commitment to sticking with, you know, the strategies that have helped them win so much. Still, the idea of this line up is a big draw to me.

Other reasons to watch and like the Lakers: Lamar Odom is a delightful human being and a freakish basketball player who can change games by doing a million little things at once. Mercurial forward Ron Artest is a chippy badass who makes any game he is in suddenly potentially explosive. Adam Morrison is skeezy in a legendary way. Kobe Bryant is a basketball savant whose dedication to his craft is mesmerizing and impossible not to watch.

What I Don't Like
Kobe Bryant is a ruthless potential sociopath. Kobe, what is best in life? "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." - Kobe Bryant. That is why you should be scared if your friend tells you that Kobe is their favorite player.

This team is a soulless juggernaut, and the flashes of fire that seem most interesting (notably, mercurial forward Ron Artest) are the things Laker's fans fear most. Pau Gasol is undeniably effective, but I don't think I've ever seen a more empty eyed look from a power forward outside of Tim Duncan. The slack-jawed glazed look couple with the most epic neckbeard in the NBA makes for an undeniably talented face that I don't think even Marc can love. Sasha Vujacic is an easy target, but there's a reason for that; anyone who gives them self the nickname "The Machine" is totally worthy of some scorn. Also, Luke Walton is simply the worst.

Mythology
Lots of people have discussed the Lamar Odom's love of candy. He's been dubbed by more than one person, "The Candyman." But are we overlooking something obvious?

I'm not making any accusations, but I am urging some careful consideration. Is it possible that the legendary supernatural killer is hiding in the spotlight. Could it be that the Candyman is the Candyman? Is Lamar Odom's aww-shucks attitude and cheerful demeanor a mere act? More importantly: WHO WAS IT WHO SUMMONED HIM?

Prophecy
In January, the Lakers will set a record for greatest use of on-court demonic powers when, simultaneously, Lamar Odom reveals himself as the Candyman, an exorcism (performed by an unknown figure hidden deep within the bowels of the Staples Center) sends a small horde of cacodemons pouring out of Ron Artest's mouth to ravage the specators, and Kobe Bryant kneels down at half-court and completes the final stage of his diabolic pact causing him to sprout horns and leathery wings in hopes of countering Lebron's recent angelic transformation. Also, Walton and Vujacic are revealed as some kind of demons of incompetence and Adam Morrison is revealed as the newest incarnation of the Laker's Skeeze Demon legacy (most famous incarnation: Kurt Rambis).

Relevant Media


Verdict
Watch them when they play because they are terribly good and wield unholy powers. Hate and fear them for the same reasons. Also, because the triangle offense is boring and Pau Gasol is hard to look at.

Tuesday Odds and Ends

The Peculiar Twittering of A.D. Vassallo
When I was creeping around Twitter, I came across some bizarre messages from A.D. Vassallo, former Virginia Tech stand-out and NBA non-draftee. His Twitter was covered in what I think were a little over a hundred different Tweets to various NBA players, siblings of various NBA players, coaches, and owners asking for help since he went undrafted. He was desperately trying to get in touch with anyone who could help him figure out what to do and was shamelessly begging for advice from anyone with any connection to the NBA. He also talked a lot of trash about how he could take Tyler Hansbrough or anyone else from the ACC. It was the most amazingly candid and desperate thing I've seen in sometime. That was yesterday. I check back today and there were only five total Tweets on his page. The one on top announces that he's playing summer league for the Bulls. All the other Tweets appear to have been deleted. Weird. Anyway, for all you A.D. Vassallo fans, here is the new desperation-free Twitter page

Speaking of Which...
Tyler Hansbrough debuted in the NBA or at least in summer league with a pretty decent first game yesterday. Today's game was even better, apparently.Long story short on the Hansbrough front: he's doing the things that made him successful in college plus shooting the three and for some reason people seem surprised. You can keep up with the Orlando summer league here and even stream the games live to show what a stupidly hardcore NBA fan you are.

TRUTH: This blog was almost named "The Sorrows of Young Hansbrough."

Department of Nicknames
Here is a completely awesome list of Chinese nicknames for NBA players compiled on the official NBA page back in 2007. This deserves greater comment, but for now, let's let the thing speak for itself. Also, here is a pretty great list of nicknames for each and every player selected in the 2009 draft. Actually, it bears mentioning that this is a pretty great and hilarious blog. Here is some of the Blowtorch's coverage of Tyler Hansbrough.

Things FreeDarko Addressed Better Than Me
Recently I have tried to address a number of topics and, generally speaking, I think I had something new to add to the conversation, even if I was taking the discussion into a different, and, admittedly stupider direction. What's worse is when freedarko keeps fucking doing you one better, including kicking your ass from the archives. That's the worst. So, without further adieu, I display my inferiority complex and point you to some fine-n-trenchant writing from FD on topics that I've recently written about.

On Rasheed (cf. Durrr, Why Everyone Call Sheed Mercurial?)

On Ron Artest (cf. No Seriously, What's With This Mercurial Thing?)

On Kobe's Sociopathy (cf. The Internet Thinks Kobe Could Kill You and Feel Nothing)

That said, I don't think the things I said are wrong, just more tangential and less interesting than what them FD boys bring to the table.

Mercuriality and Rasheed to the Celtics

You may have heard the big news by now: Rasheed Wallace to the Celtics. This is frightening and awesome. Rasheed Wallace, Carolina alum, three-draining big man, and the one-man technical factory that referees across the league love to hate is joining forces with Kevin Garnett, who is, with the possible exception of Kobe (since he might be a sociopath and all), the scariest player in all of basketball, who is capable of making giant, grown, powerful men ON HIS OWN TEAM cry in the middle of games, and who may be the modern embodiment of barely controlled rage. This is absolutely frightening and awesome. Would you want to play against them? I mean, in the end, I might take Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis over these two, but for sheer intimidation and on-court psychopathy, it would be difficult to beat the KG and Sheed pairing.

Also, Rasheed Wallace is one of the current known leaders in the latest of my Google-based metrics, a simple one that we're going to just call Mercuriality. In the fine tradition of the Epithet Certainty Score and the Kobe Test, you arrive at this score by counting Google hits. To measure a player's Mercuriality (it's always going to be in caps, I think), you just search for "mercurial [player name]". Maybe, we can refine this later, but for now, here are some benchmarks.

Allen Iverson 10,300
Ron Artest 4,490
Rasheed Wallace 1,150
Stephon Marbury 359
Gilbert Arenas 188
Kobe Bryant 159
Lebron James 71
Kevin Garnett 1
Tim Duncan 1*
Yao Ming 0

*"Kobe is a little too impatient and mercurial. Tim Duncan is so calm and composed, he gets suspended for laughing." So maybe really, 0. It should be 0.

So, as near as I can tell, a lot of my favorite players have a high Mercurialty. AI is in a class of his own, while Ron Artest (of course) and Rasheed Wallace are the only ones even in the neighborhood. What does this mean? Well, Mercuriality, it's important to note, doesn't reflect anything actually about the player, but rather merely about how people on the Internet talk about the player. So looking at this list, let's try to suss out what exact sense of mercurial these writers are getting at.

1. Of or pertaining to the god or planet Mercury.
I wish that we talked about basketball players in more astrological or classical terms. I feel like we don't get to hear enough basketball players described as "saturnine," though if I had to bet on it Anthony Randolph probably will be the first. Anyway, a prize to the first person who writes the definitive treatise on astrology and the NBA.

2. Erratic, volatile.
This is probably it, especially if you, emphasize the pejorative sense. I like almost every player high on this list, but I know they are not beloved by all of basketball. I know some people find their pugnaciousness and swagger distracting and Not the Right Way to play basketball, but I think it has it's place and shouldn't be separated from their game. The erratic volatility of AI is what lets him dream up such ridiculous crossovers, the mind-bending drives to the hoop. Rasheed Wallace and particularly Ron Artest thrive on the threat of barely contained violence as a part of their intimidating defensive games. But, fine, you don't want the technicals and you don't want the distractions. I respect that, I just don't agree.

3.Lively, quick-witted, spry.
In an ideal world, this is what I wish people were saying when they were describing players as "mercurial". I think this sense is a factor in what players get described as mercurial, but it's clearly a secondary factor to the volatile sense: focused and predictable psychopaths aren't labeled this way, note Kevin Garnett's low Mercuriality. Using only this sense though, we would all dream of our favorite teams point guard to be mercurial. As people use it now, I still wouldn't mind.

The truth of the matter is pretty simple. Chris Littmann, who writes over at The Baseline (and does great work, incidentally), referred to Ron Artest as a "mercurial forward" this past week, and I got all excited about seeing the cliche at use in the wild. I called him on it and he admitted what I guess we all really knew deep down, "I suppose it's the nicest way of saying "This guy is *&#$ing crazy."" Which, when you get right down to it, is almost all I really want out of my favorite players.

A player or team with high Mercuriality is still, almost certainly, worth following and watching. Post your findings and Mercuriality ratings in the comments.

Ron Artest to Lakers and the Kobe Test

Well, my dreams of a super-posse to oppose the unstoppable Kobe Bryant that included mercurial forward Ron Artest have come to a swift end. Ron Artest has joined Kobe and the rest of the Los Angeles Lakers. So what's the story now?

The story is now of two enemies, two rivals, two bitterly competitive and ruthless men joining forces to squash all competition. This is a more familiar super hero concept and is the plot of numerous comic book arcs. The other option was too interesting to be true. This is the way of the universe.

Now, Kobe and Ron Artest probably deserve each other as they are two of the only players in the NBA who can pass my newly invented Kobe Test. Using my highly scientific and revolutionary method of counting how many hits you get when you Google particular phrases, we can reach some pretty interesting conclusions. The Kobe Test is simple: Google the phrase "[player] is a sociopath". If you get any hits, then that player has passed the Kobe Test! In my brief, preliminary experiments, Kobe Bryant and Ron Artest are the ONLY players I could find that pass this test.

So there you go, the Lakers now have on their roster the two players that the Internet feels are most likely to be deeply and profoundly, mentally disturbed. Thanks for the insight, Internet!

UPDATE: Stephon Marbury passes the Kobe Test, albeit with a single hit. Hey, Lakers, he's available! Let me know who else passes.

The Anti-Kobe Society

The rumor that the Cleavland Cavaliers are making a bid for Ron Artest is a juicy one. First, from the basic, boring point of view where Lebron needs a better supporting cast, and surprisingly, he might be better off playing the power forward position than the small forward position, this is an intriguingly clever move.

The more exciting part about the trade is that it seems, along with the Shaq acquisition, designed to turn the Cleavland Cavaliers into a team designed for one very specific purpose: taking down Kobe. This is totally a comic book scenario. Artest, Shaq, and Lebron all have personal rivalries with Kobe. To put them together on one team with the expressed purpose of trying to take what belongs to Kobe (the championship)... well that's just too juicy. Kobe vs. Lebron spawned a whole series of ubiquitous commercials featuring puppets that talked and vitamins that were got. Shaq vs. Kobe has it's own Wikipedia page. This is seismic already. The playoffs are about as far away as they can be and I'm already tired about hearing about these two showdowns. But then you add in Ron Artest and Kobe's complicated relationship and the Kobe vs. Cavaliers rivalry will have reached operatic heights. I mean, really, do the Cavs have "bitter rivalry with Kobe Bryant" as one of their job qualifications? Will there be anyone left in the NBA with a bitter rivalry with Kobe who isn't on the Cavs?

What is the precise comic book analog for this? I know of lots of scenarios where the bad guys team up to fight the single good guy, but it seems rarer for three good guys to team up to fight a single evil (let's face it, when it comes to mythic storytelling, there is no way that Kobe is the good guy). This is such an over-the-top storyline for next season that I can't help but love it in all of it's glorious absurdity. If anyone can tell me what comic book they are ripping off for this storyline I'd be eternally grateful (Tangent: What super hero is Lebron?).

Homeric Epithets and Mercurial Forward Ron Artest

I'm not sure whether this is simple lazy sportswriting or the emergence of mythic "tradition" in sportswriting, but considering the pre-occupations of this blog, let's go for the mythic.

In writing about the NBA, writers often refer to Ron Artest as "mercurial forward Ron Artest." And when I say often, I mean that whenever you read or hear the phrase "mercurial forward" you should assume the name "Ron Artest" will follow. This morning when I google the phrase, "mercurial forward", I get 9,980 hits. When I google the phrase, "mercurial forward ron artest", I get 7,760 hits. Do the math. This morning, on the Internet, the phrase "mercurial forward" refers to Ron Artest about 80% of the time. The phrase is so ingrained in the minds of basketball writers that it nearly reaches the level of Homeric epithet. This is the current culture of basketball writing. What does it mean? Does this justify a mythic approach to basketball? I, of course, say yes. The players aren't just self-mythologizing Big Shoguns or League-promoted X-Men. They are epic heroes in the classical tradition because that is the language with which we, or at least basketball writers (who are an inevitable filter on the season unless you somehow manage to watch every single game), discuss them. What I am trying to say here is that, at the very least, thinking of Ron Artest in the terms of a character in epic poetry isn't just a plausible mode, but is actually a rather common mode, cliche even. So Ron Artest is a Homeric hero? Sure. Now, what other players in the league are discussed in such formulaic and grandiose modes?

Here is the new project: try to find the epithets by which players are consistently and predictively referred to. A special prize if anyone can find an Epithet Certainty Score for an NBA player(JUST NOW INVENTED) that's higher than Ron Artest's 0.775. This is an important first step in developing a useful taxonomy of basketball writing's neo-Homeric traditions and cliches.

Epithet Certainty Score: Divide the Google hits for "[epithet] [player]" by the Google hits for "[epithet]". Leave the results in the comments.

HINT: Surprisingly, "bovine Tim Duncan" doesn't seem to get any hits