Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball III: THE SECRET OF THE BOOZE

SO IT RETURNS: After breaking down two first round match-ups between Chicago and Cleveland and Denver and Utah, my margarita-loving, nickname-giving, basketball-indifferent girlfriend has returned to sip sip sip and explain Game Six of the NBA's Western Conference Finals. It was a good one.

8:58 Time to GET BLOGGING. Phoenix town is making me dizzy; I don't really understand how I didn't notice this last time I watched them, but wow: that is a lot of orange. Orange in the stands. Orange on the sides. Orange on Goggles' bandaid. Orange on Steve Nash's skin. As everyone knows, orange is a color of power. I just made that up, but I think it is true. I predict a night of POWER for the Suns.

9:00 Kellen just reminded me that Goggles [Amar'e Stoudemire] is wearing his namesake goggles because he detached his retina last year. Thanks for making me want to claw out my own eyes forever [Anytime.].

9:03 Speaking of power, Kobe is radiating it. He doesn't need that orange. Those cheekbones could cut a man, or even men. Imagine a whole army felled by the Kobe's cheek-katanas. The Suns' Steve Nash also possesses razor-sharp cheekbones. Unfortunately for Steve Nash, no one will ever get close enough to find this out firsthand. Before we go any further, let me say a word about Steve Nash. Well, first, a word about myself. In my haphazard chronicling of the playoffs, I have discovered something about myself: I am an unfair lady with many unfounded opinions about NBA players. I'm sure that Patches is lovely. I am certain that the fearful bald giant of Cleveland has a mother who loves him very much [Agree to disagree.]. I have no doubt in my mind that the blond man-beast is an honest and diligent gentleman. That said, I am still a little frightened by all of them. Furthermore, I am uniquely unnerved by Steve Nash.

The first time I noticed him was in those dopey "NBA Cares" commercials. I'm always really relieved when one comes on and it's not another one with him in it. As someone who works with children, I'm just going to go ahead and say this even though I can't really justify it on any level: I would not leave a child alone with Steve Nash. Hell, I wouldn't even leave a group of children with Steve Nash. For possibly no reason other than the paranoia that apparently sets in when I drink and turn on TNT, I just have a bad feeling about him. Is he legitimately creepy? Maybe that's why they always use him for the slogan-saying part of these commercials instead of the actual "caring" part. I am sure he is nice and even delightful. All I'm saying is, your middle school friend's creepy dad was nice too [WHAT THE FUCK?]

9:05 Willy Wonka [Craig Sager] works for TNT and is explaining how the human knee works with the help of a big poster he must have snuck past the security guard.

9:09 One of the Lakers just got knocked down and hung around on the floor for a bit making sweat angels.

9:11 I really like the Suns, so no offence, Suns and Suns lovers, but I have to say it: I am convinced that they are the most awkward team in the NBA. Every time one of them loses the ball and the Lakers score, they just kind of walk away fake-casually like maybe no one saw it. We all saw it, y'all. The only exception to this is Steve Nash, who gives the impression of trying too hard: if the others are all middle school guys who try to get by unnoticed, he's the middle school guy who follows around all of the big dudes, bouncing on the balls of his feet and hoping that someone, anyone will ask him to stick around.

9:17 Suns 17 [Lou Amundson] just jumped up in the air and flailed around for a bit, knocking the ball away from a Laker. This was arguably an accident, and now he is repeating it again and again, apparently hoping that the ball will fly in the path of one of his unrestained limbs yet again.

9:19 It's not working, 17.

9:23 Nor is it a sound technique for making shots.

9:25 Apparently the Suns' Baby Dragon [...Goran Dragic] and the Lakers' Slovenian [Sasha Vujacic: THE MACHINE] have a big rivalry. This is so hard to believe. Baby Dragon is like a little duckling, but clumsier. Somehow he manages to keep scoring even as he skittishly darts around and falls to the ground after nearly every shot.

9:30 I think the Suns formed by magic when that fortune telling machine from Big just made a ragtag squad of 12 year-olds like seven feet tall. This explains pretty much everything, except why anyone would ever let a bunch of 12 year-olds hang out with Steve Nash. This makes Steve Nash's habits of harassing his teammates with his balls that much more disturbing.

9:32 The boringest famous people love this game! You know who Cindy McCain kind of looks like? Kobe Bryant. Kellen doesn't see it, but think about it. Think.

9:37 New Suns coaching strategy: offer them a pizza party. I think that will work. That always works with 12 year olds. Pizza party or no, Channing Frye just scored [THAT'S MY BOY!]. To answer the question I know he was asking in the moment just after: Yes, we all noticed. Yes, we are proud. You are sweet and good and we are very glad when you do especially well.

9:44 A Sun just let a ball Steve Nash threw fly right past him and off the court. Afterward he turned around a bit, like he was looking around for someone to blame. "Yeah, Steve, that was fucked up. Yeah, someone just let that get right past him... no idea where he went. Yeah." Stop it. WE ALL SAW YOU.

10:12 I think Steve Nash has officially taken over this team. Everyone else is trying to act like they came up with this idea. "Yeah, um, OK, Steve. Like we said, you get to score now. Yeah."

10:21 I wonder if the Suns ever stay up playing Halo and drinking Mountain Dew. Number 17 throws the controller down in frustration when he loses, and says the dirtiest curse word he knows. When Channing Frye wins, he smiles shyly. Sometimes his mom comes down the basement stairs with a tray of Bagel Bites for them all to share. Steve Nash came over a few times, but he was a little too creepy, and Mrs. Frye hinted that he probably shouldn't come around anymore.

10:26 Suns coach looks like he was about to cry. Maybe he's been too easy on these kids. Handing out airheads and jawbreakers for free throws during practice may have been a good short-term strategy, but it's not working now.

10:27 Kellen leaves to go get a beer,and when he comes back, he appears to be puzzled by the score.
K: Hey, what happened? Lakers are up by 14 now.
E: Yeah, they scored some.
K: ...
E: I'm just saying what I saw.

I assume this silence is only appreciation for my masterful commentary.

10:43 Baby Dragon just got slain! Lakers' Slovenian just elbowed him in his sweet face and he slowly fell backward, drifting like a fallen angel. Doves are crying.

10:47 Baby Dragon arises, better than before. He scores twice, each time looking absolutely stunned at the power his fall has unleashed deep within his timid soul. Baby Dragon is a baby no more.

10:50 They keep replaying his encounter with the other dude's elbow. It looks like Baby Dragon was just in the middle of a sweet warble when he was brutally knocked back. "Hey, my friends, would you have some cookies my mother ba-- UGHHHHH." He never saw it coming. If he hadn't just bloomed into full dragonhood, this would be kind of humiliating.

10:57 The Dragon formerly known as Baby Dragon makes a heroic shot... and misses. His wings are not yet unfurled. One day you will fly away, young one. For now, Goggles is here to score some points, just to make you forget. During the next time out, you talk. He is glad his retinas did not totally fall out, he says. Seeing you grow up is so amazing. I know you are a big dragon now, but you will always be Baby Dragon in his heart, he will tell you as he engulfs you in a manly, nurturing hug. In my heart too, my friend.

11:03 Down five with 4:45 to go, and Steve Nash is not in. I imagine he is off doing Tai Chi or some shit.

11:04 Nash in. "Just had to balance my aura, guys." Baby Dragon flutters his bent wings in a silent show of gladness.

11:07 Steve Nash: "I don't think Goggles will know that we are glad he just made those free throws unless I come up to the line and slap his ass." Good call, though I hope my ass is never within Steve Nash's slapping range. Meanwhile, Baby Dragon is crying the tears of the innocent.

11:13 I've refrained from mentioning this, but Kobe Bryant is the terrifying snake of my every nightmare [That is a fact.].

11:15 Kobe thinks he is a soaring eagle. He is wrong. Kobe, you may be flying now (OK, and in every other game), but dragons fly forever.

11:19 It's official. No pizza party for the Suns tonight. Steve Nash might offer to buy you guys pizza at his house, but your moms might not like that.

11:25 That's it. The power of orange was not power enough to propel the Suns into the finals. Dragons may fly forever, but this Baby Dragon's post-season is over. I can only speak for myself, and possibly for Goggles, but I'm looking forward to following his mystical flight into the next season and beyond. Don't worry, little one; all dragons have to start somewhere.

That was beautiful. Did you think it was beautiful? Leave Elizabeth a comment with your feelings about the best Slovenian rivalries and general thoughts on this incisive analysis.


  1. omg i cryin. well i am drunk too but i laugh to cry everytime i read this elizabeth. i just gave ricky a black eye so i could read this instead of effing him and totally worth it. although he is acting a bitch now, goddamn. but write on girl, i read ya

  2. Best comment on this blog ever?