Thursday, June 24, 2010

2010 Love in the Time of Lebron Mock Draft

Last year, I unleashed the finest mock draft this world has ever seen, filled with cunning insight and clever advice. For the record, the actual number one pick of the 2009 NBA Draft didn’t play a single game this season, yet my suggestion is setting all sorts of franchise records for rookie debuts. Tough luck, Clippers: I told you to go for Stephen Strasburg. In any event more wisdom for the ages can be found below.

1. Wizards
Do the John Wall. It’s the dance craze that is sweeping the nation and our dreams. I will say this as plainly as I can: I love two point guard line-ups with all my heart, and I love Gilbert Arenas with something else. If Wizards can land Amar’e in the off-season, they once again become one of my absolute favorite teams. If the Magic actually go through with a Vince Carter trade for Gil, I still stand by everything I just said.

2. 76ers
You know what you can’t coach? Height, athleticism, toughness, and heart. There are just certain intrinsic qualities that are scarce and valuable in the NBA. At some point, it’s okay to ignore the guy with the most skills and instead get the guy with the most intrinsic ability and best intangibles and hope that the skills develop. That’s what you pay coaches for, right? So, here, I think the 76ers take a gamble: Ma-Ti, the Planeteer. Sure, he may not have height, athleticism, or toughness, but no one beats him in the “heart” department, and you just can’t coach that. A pretty clear case of tremendous potential upside.

3. Nets
Here’s something that’s fun: go through an entire season with one of the worst records in the entire history of the NBA and get screwed by ending up with the third pick. John Wall should rightfully play for the Nets! There is only one logical route to vengeance. Upstage his dance craze. Now while there are some concerns that this prospect is already past their peak, the Nets stand firm: New Jersey would like to draft Souljah Boy. The rest of the league would like to groan loudly.

4. Timberwolves
If we learned anything from last year’s draft, it’s that David Kahn loves to draft point guards. It’s obvious but true. There is an important corollary to this rule: the only thing he loves more than drafting a point guard is drafting a point guard who won’t actually play in Minnesota. That being said, the Timberwolves should go for the best available option: Chris Paul. BONUS: For their other two first round picks, Kahn asks himself the hard question, “Who is the next best unavailable point guard?” And that’s how Deron Williams and Rajon Rondo were drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves and I decided that the NBA would be fine with only 29 teams.

5. Kings
I’ve heard somewhere that you can use a number of mind tricks and brash confidence to just take what you want from people and have them go along with it. It’s uncanny to watch Derren Brown pay people with blank paper and have them simply accept it blindly, as if it were perfectly normal. It’s amazing how a little bit of patter, confusion, and distraction can make a mind more willing to accept the impossible, isn’t it? Incidentally, the Kings draft LeBron James. But yeah, the human mind, surely a susceptible thing.

6. Warriors
If you would like to read my Demarcus Cousins fanfiction, please email me at I will happily send you a story about Cousins’ occult initiation into the Warriors at the hands of Anthony Randolph. I am serious.

7. Pistons
The Pistons are still in this league? Seriously? Wow. Wait who is Jonas Jerebko? Shit. Umm, okay. How about Greg Monroe? Yeah. That dude.

8. Clippers
Donald Sterling doesn’t have a great reputation, but he is an innovator. The Clippers burned by their lack of draft success in the past have devised a new system to ensure future success. In traditional systems, the team pays the player a sum that is determined by their contract. Under the Clippers new system the newly drafted player would be placed at the bottom of the Clippers Pyramid of Winning. The Pyramid of Winning is a hierarchical system that rewards loyalty and contributions to the Clipper Organization while granting newly drafted rookies the success and wealth they want without having to try or even play. Newly drafted rookies put themselves at the bottom of the pyramid and then send a hundred dollar bill to everyone above them on the pyramid. Each year, the rookie gets to move themselves up a tier on the pyramid. This means, that in a few short years, a rookie drafted by the Clippers will be making an extravagant amount of money and managing the whole organization without having spent a single minute on the court! Amazing! To participate, please send the money to all the people above you in the pyramid and then prepare to draft three rookies of your own in the coming year. Great job with the innovation, Donald!

9. Jazz
Tough-minded couch Jerry Sloan is always looking for defensive talent. This year he hoped to convince the ownership to draft for defense. For weeks now, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth had been on top of their draft board based on his size and physical play, but recent revelations about his intangibles, namely lack of cooperation and diva tendencies have caused the Jazz to go in a different direction. Arguably selecting the best defensive player in America, the Jazz pick Tim Howard, whose goal keeping experience is a huge plus, though worries about his tendency to goal-tend nearly every shot at the net remain.

10. Pacers
Listen: you know the joke I am going to make here. Of course it’s about how the Pacers like to draft white players. You know why? Of course you do; we all know why. The Pacers have recently drafted/traded for a bunch of white players and there’s a feeling that it’s a weird racial subtextual response to the brawl at the Palace and, well, the fact that they play in Indiana. We should be calling out Indiana on how fucked up this is that they seem to be deliberately engaging in a policy of picking less talented white players over better black players. Making a lame joke about how the Pacers seem kind of racist is the very least we can do to call attention to this fairly disturbing fact.

So, long story short, the Pacers are almost certainly going to draft Gordon Hayward.

11. Hornets
The Hornets want a sound pick, but they also want to make a scene on draft day. So, I think they go for a pick that has the most buzz: the vuvuzela. In other news, I am so sorry.

12. Grizzlies
It’s no secret that Michael Heisley, the majority owner of the Grizzlies is a big fan of saving money. Having to pay a first round lottery pick is expensive business, so many in the Grizzlies organization have suggested trying to sell/get rid of the pick. The thinking is that you let the teams that are willing to pay so much money for the right at the main courses go ahead and dig in and then scrounge for leftovers. You see, the point is, even after the other teams have had their picks, there’s still plenty of meat on that bone: you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato; baby, you got a stew goin’.

13. Raptors
You know who has an awesome name? The Toronto Raptors. I know some people think it’s kind of silly and lacks the timeless and classic feel of other team names, but honestly, NBA team names are kind of terrible. Sure, most people don’t see any logical connection between Toronto and raptors, but there isn’t a logical connection between Utah and jazz is there? Don’t worry about it: The Raptors have a great name. You know who else has an awesome name: Xavier Henry. Just saying.

14. Rockets
The Rockets have only had three lottery picks in the past ten years. The players they selected were Richard Jefferson, Yao Ming, and Rudy Gay. Not bad at all. Everyone knows the Rockets are one of the smartest teams in the NBA. If they use this pick on a player, take note of this player. On the other hand, Daryl Morey has a real talent for turning picks into real assets quickly. Look for him to use a recursive function or possibly some sort of geometric series to increase the picks of the Houston rockets to a value rapidly approaching either infinity or Hassan Whiteside.


  1. I mean, why would you try to get Amar'e when you can get Kirk Hinrich? GREAT JOB, WIZARDS!

  2. Re: #11

    I know you. You are not sorry AT ALL.