In this multi-part series (parts one, two, and three), I'd like to lay out some advice for teams regarding the NBA draft. The easiest and most formulaic way to do this is through a mock draft. Special thanks to the good folks at Disciples of Clyde for planting the seeds for this idea. LET'S GO!
With the number one pick available in the draft, the Clippers have resolved to take the obvious and clear best available player: Stephen Strasburg. This right handed pitcher out of San Diego State has a devastating fastball that should give the Clippers the strength they've long been lacking from either their starting rotation or bullpen.
The Grizzlies, troubled by the harsh economic climate, have elected to draft FRIENDSHIP. This prospect has a lot of potential upside and should be an invaluable asset to such a young team. Furthermore, FRIENDSHIP, as an abstract, though undeniable important, concept, is still under contract in Europe, which will allow the Grizzlies to draft it without having to add anything to their payroll right away. This sort of flexibility should be a big asset for the cash-strapped team.
Blake Griffin will join the too-talented young TEAM OF THE FUTURE. By accumulating such talented athletes and skilled players, Oklahoma City will one day be poised to win the NBA title. And on that day, Russell Westbrook, Blake Griffin, Kevin Durant, and Jeff Green will ride their jet packs and hover cars back home and pack for a trip to Space Disneyland on Mars. Because it will be the future then and I imagine we will have all these things.
Sacremento will be picking critically lauded actor Ian McShane of the HBO western ,"Deadwood" and the short-lived NBC drama, "Kings." In his brief stint with the NBC show that mixed biblical allegory with a clever tale about a modern day monarchy, McShane showed real leadership and flair as King Silas. Though the show has been cancelled, Sacremento has been impressed by his proven success as a King and hopes to help him chase down the NBA Championship and Best Actor Emmy he has long deserved, but failed to win.
Washington, seeking to fill a perceived lack of depth in their guard rotation, ought to give President Barack Obama a good look. One of the most thoroughly scouted players in the draft, his game is well-known and steady. He could provide a winning attitude, veteran leadership, and an all-round inspirational presence while also providing quality minutes each game spelling for Gilbert Arenas. These strengths more than offset the weaknesses of limited availability and increased age.
The Timberwolves need to look to the future, but they shouldn't look to neglect their immediate needs. The Timberwolves should give some thought to drafting a herd of caribou. Such a move, I suspect, would improve relations with the T'Wolves and the front office in Minnesota.
Golden State needs to realize that a party of adventurers can't hope to succeed if it is composed only of Warriors. Expect Golden State to draft for balance and utility, perhaps selecting a cleric or wizard, though it's easy to see how a bard or druid with a high charisma might provide a welcome addition to this band of companions. A rogue might be useful, but the specialized skill set might not be the best fit for Coach Don Nelson who likes to go versatile. Under no circumstances should they draft a barbarian.
D'Antoni needs a young, super-talented point guard to key his high octane system. The Knicks should therefore look to simultaneously draft Ricky Rubio, Brandon Jennings, Ty Lawson, Johnny Flynn, Stephen Curry, Tyreke Evans, and Jrue Holliday and make them square off in a sort of post-apocalyptic Mad Max/Escape from New York situation. The one who survives and manages to dispose of both Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell will be the new starting point guard for the Knicks.
The Raptors should consider drafting the Syfy television network despite it's stupid name. The network's experience making and broadcasting the films Raptor Island and Planet Raptor show a good understanding of how to deal with and play with Toronto. Likewise, I think that the Syfy television network could learn a lot from Toronto's new coach, the ghost of Jurassic Park game warden, Robert Muldoon.
No one cares. Fuck, I don't know. Johnny Flynn. Yeah, sure, they'll draft Johnny Flynn.
Picks 11-20 are in part II.
Picks 21-30 are in part III.