Well, the NBA season is over, but the NBA off-season has just begun! After such a stunning and surely predictive Mock Draft, it feels like I'd be doing you a great disservice if I didn't cover how the actual thing went down. Then I had an ideaL why should I cover it when I can get Elizabeth to get tipsy and cover it for me? It worked so well for the play-offs, after all. So here you go: Elizabeth and I blog the 2010 NBA Draft.
7:08 PRE-DRAFT PREGAME
ES: John Wall is the only man here I know much about (OK, I only know this), though that seems like enough. This is the only time in history that my assessment of the most desirable player (always determined by whose name I can remember first, or at all) matches up with the experts’.
7:11
ES: Gordon Hayward: a douchebag? My time-tested “snap judgments based on nothing but a fleeting and totally uninformed first impression” meter is going wild in that direction.
KC: He’s apparently a very nice young man.
ES: That’s what you say about Steve Nash, too. Well. Not the young part.
7:14
ES: I really liked it a few minutes ago when they showed them all lined up like a bunch of girls getting their group prom photos taken. Coincidentally, the awkward expressions on these guys’ faces suggest that prom was actually the last time any of them wore a suit.
KC: Right. Because that was just one year ago. They are babies.
7:15
ES: Gordon Hayward seems a little sweeter now that he’s perched uncomfortably in a way-too-small armchair, but he still seems like he would fingerbang your daughter.
KC: HE SHARES A MINIVAN WITH HIS SISTER!
ES: You don’t know what he does in that minivan.
KC: You are gross.
7:18
ES: I missed that whole last bit. Was that Demarcus Cousins? He just brought the uncomfortable hover-lean to national television. He surrounded the lady who was interviewing him on two sides.
KC: He’s the best for basketball fan-fiction.
ES: I have my own basketball fan-fiction about him, but it’s a bit personal. SORRY
KC: I would have figured you for more of a John Wall type. The more you know.
ES: I didn’t say it was just Cousins in there.
KC: I really hope by “in there” you mean your head. At this point I will remind and link everyone to your Tyler Hansbrough dream. He’s a Pacer, Elizabeth. A PACER!
7:24
ES: The Bulls’ logo: so very angry! It scares me, hovering over that anchor’s head.
KC: This is a scintillating discussion of the salary cap and luxury tax. I’m sure you are paying attention.
ES: I just heard them say “role-players” and I thought of me, John Wall, and Demarcus Cousins.
KC: I bet you are the chatoic good elven cleric. Wall is obviously the Wizard. Demarcus Cousins might be King. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
ES: I would look the other way, but I’m already having a hard enough time typing straight.
7:29
ES: Look, the overhead lighting is like prom, too!
KC: Have you seen their official pictures yet? Check it. Though not for too long. THERE IS SO MUCH MYSTERY IN THESE FIRST PICKS.
7:30 DRAFT TIME
KC: I love the intro.
ES: I am very much appreciating whoever it is they show from behind in front of the window and in front of the bridge. For their talent.
KC: Wow, Stern boos already. Keep it classy, New York. Oh nice, he shouts out the unruly fans. Well-played Stern.
ES: Bros: “HE’S TALKING ABOUT US!”
7:34
ES: They’re showing the Wizards. “Gotta wonder what they’re doing in there,” say the anchors. Looks like... looking at computers, talking on the phone, and looking real pleased with themselves? We got the camera in there, y’all.
KC: Arenas + Wall = Awesome. It’s basic math, you guys.
ES: Did that one commentator just say that someone is named Bloodso? It actually sounded like “Bloodsoap,” but I know the universe is not that kind.
KC: Bledsoe. You know, like the common name.
ES: No fun.
7:37
KC: Wow, what a surprise, John Wall. What do you think of the hat wearing thing they do? And by hat thing, I mean, “wearing a cap of the team that drafts them.”
ES: It’s cute, and while I’d be a little skeptical of it on a sartorial level if anyone else were involved, for most of these guys it seems to actually improve the suit by canceling it out. John Wall, however, is a well dressed man, though his many stripes at different angles make me a bit dizzy. His eyes and earring, too. By the way, that took me a really long time to type, because I was captivated by the text zooming powerpointedly across the screen.
7:41
KC: JOHN’S MOM! HE BOUGHT HER A HOUSE! SHE PICKED OUT HIS SUIT! I’M ABUSING CAPS LOCK!
ES: Yeah, now we know why his suit actually looks good.
7:43
ES: I feel like I met Evan Turner at a Future Upstanding Citizens of America event. The glasses cinch it. Note: I would never be invited to such an event.
KC: Wait. Why were you there?
ES: OH MY GOD. Does he have laser-cone vision? Because they just showed that coming out of his eyes.
KC: Yes. It’s his superpower.
ES: He used up all that magic before he decided to button up over that long-ass tie.
7:47
ES: Who is this orange guy talking? Yeah, we get that you were drafted by the 76ers in about 12 BC.
KC: It’s Doug Colling, and um, yeah, he’s also the coach of that team.
ES: He’s still orange. Also: Evan Turner’s mom looking good! I like that bright color.
KC: But not when people have bright orange skin? Hypocrite.
7:50
KC: Guess no one traded for the spot. Nets keeping Favors. Interesting. I was really hoping they would make the trade to free Danny Granger from the Pacers, but alas, he languishes in basketball purgatory. Oh well.
7:54
KC: Thoughts on Wesley Johnson’s pants?
ES: Guess who wore pajamas to the draft?! I guess he thought they weren’t going to show up from the waist down? This isn’t school picture day.
KC: Right. It’s prom.
7:57
KC: Oh. John Wall Reebok ZigTech commercial. Pretty cool, but “Energy drink for your feet” is a terrible slogan. It makes me think of drinking something that tastes like feet. You know, like energy drinks. Also, I DO like the making an announcement noise they play before Stern speaks. Really great.
ES: It’s like someone’s cellphone is going off. Someone who’s texting, “What the hell is going on?” Also, they should fire whoever is adding the dynamic text to these highlight reels.
KC: Making you dizzy, drunkles?
ES: Making no sense! I thought we as a nation had moved on from wordart.
8:03
ES: Anchor to Cousins: “You look good rocking that purple, too.” STOP PEDDLING LIES. Also, “I’m just a kid having fun,” is a little weird coming from a giant.
KC: He is 19. As for the shirt, II think he was just buttering him up. He immediately called Cousins heavy after the compliment.
ES: There’s nothing quite as slimming as shiny lavender.
8:06
KC: We knew it was coming but this Ekpe Udoh pick to the Warriors really hurts Ed Davis’s chances of getting drafted early, unless Utah goes with him.
ES: Finally, someone drafts a three-piece suit. I approve. Also, I like when the other players in a draftee’s highlight reel are just terrible. Example: the pasty redhead dropping the ball in terror as Udoh approaches.
8:13
KC: No surprises at all so far. Pistons just drafted Monroe, Clippers probably a lock to draft Aminu. Utah is the first unknown. Fingers crossed for Ed Davis. He would get to be Millsapp’s Millsapp if you know what I mean.
ES: I really don’t. Also, I’m a bit surprised, surprised that everyone present appears to be capable of dressing themselves. I was led to expect something along the lines of this. Then again, that may have been wishful thinking on my part.
KC: It’s a down year for Draft Night fashion. No James Harden style bowties. On a similar note, a lack of quality beards. Sorry, Greg Monroe, just not good enough.
8:18
KC: Okay, Aminu. I take it back. Nice. Also, according to schedule.
ES: First hipster of the night. Where are the skinny dudes holding up ironic signs to celebrate?
KC: Do you not know? This is a really common NBA look. LeBron dresses that way. Same with Amar’e and many others. Not a hipster thing.
ES: I have, in fact, seen that. Also: cutest family of the draft?
KC: Let’s wait and see. Also, Aminu looks like Dwight Howard a lot. “Clark Kent” as a nickname?
ES: You can call him that if you like, but my nicknames don’t work like that. My nicknames are fueled by some combination of booze, hate, tenderness, and fear, and not much more than that.
KC: Somewhere, Baby Dragon smiled.
ES: Kellen, I really do love you, but if I could make Baby Dragon smile...
KC: I understand.
8:24
KC: Utah picks Gordon Hayward. This probably means Ed Davis slides a lot. Bet you Pacers pick Babbit. Incidentally, his nickname is “Other White Guy in the Draft.” You know Gordon Hayward has a twin sister? True fact.
ES: I bet you someone picks... someone. I am not going to bet you anything. I don’t know what’s going on.
KC: THERE SHE IS! TWIN SISTER!
ES: I beg forgiveness for all of my hateful comments about Gordon Hayward. His eighth grade picture is certifiably The Cutest. OK. Not as cute as Aminu’s little brother. Well. Maybe. It’s a draw.
8:31
KC: Wow. Paul George to the Pacers. Didn’t see that one coming. Especially since he seems really similar to Danny Granger. Maybe they will move Granger yet? I hope so. FREE DANNY!
ES: Nor did I see the chain-behind-the-tie thing coming, but I love it so much. Best-dressed in the draft?
KC: Wall and Aminu got my votes currently. Sorry.
ES: I guess they have mine too, but that chain was just brilliant. Maybe this is an example of how he has great potential but has to mature?
8:37
KC: Cole Aldrich to New Orleans. Interesting. Seems a bit early for him, but okay: Let’s go for the guy missing a tooth by choice. Ahhhh, there it is: it was part of a trade to the Thunder. The Thunder need a center like that. Nice.
8:44
ES: Inside the mind of Xavier Henry: “Do I need to button my jacket now that I’m going onstage? Maybe just one button? What did John Wall do?”
KC: I love the green tie and suit. He has a Danny Green smile. Also, best name of the draft.
ES: Both he and his mom are crying! New favorite.
KC: The Mom Factor is big for you, huh?
8:49
KC: YES! Ed got drafted! NO! He’s now on the Raptors.
ES: Dinosaurs are noble as shit, and so is UNC. A good match on that level. Also, he is handsome. More handsome than a raptor, probably, but most definitely more handsome than a ram or a dirty foot, and that discrepency never held him back at UNC.
KC: Huh. Well, he’ll likely start. I think everyone has accepted that Bosh ain’t coming back. And also, Ed’s dad had a goddamn sweet high top.
ES: Ed Davis’s suit isn’t as flashy, but he looks so goddamn cool.
KC: Oh! Ed Davis’s favorite player is Chris Bosh! That’s goddamn adorable.
ES: I really would have enjoyed it if he’d responded to that “What do you know about Toronto?” question with all sorts of hesitant answers about the city. “Um... it’s surprisingly cosmopolitan, they shoot a lot of TV shows there... and I think G20 is going on there now?” I guess I can accept that he actually had a response relevant to the context, but I can still dream of a better world.
KC: I would have liked it if he gave everyone an elaborate lesson in the history of Toronto, starting with it’s founding to the present day. Everyone would be so confused.
8:56
KC: “Patrick Patterson is an absolute man.” True or false? Whatever, the result, maybe the worst suit of the draft?
ES: It’s like drapes, but drapes I would burn and then blame on a ghost.
KC: Do ghosts often burn drapes? I was not aware of that legend.
ES: I won’t blame them when you’re around, then. When is this over?
KC: Only 44 more picks!
ES: Um...
KC: I’m excited too! Have another beer!
9:01
ES: What draftee doesn’t show up to the draft?!
KC: Lots of them. It’s more embarrassing if you show up and they don’t draft you. Cf. Prom.
ES: When they start choosing people who expected to be embarrassed by not being chosen, I feel like that’s my cue to start packing up.
KC: I can just see you calculating how many episodes of LOST you could be watching instead.
9:11
KC: Oh, nice. Bulls draft Kevin Seraphin! This is a nice, savvy choice. I thought the Spurs or Thunder would steal him. Wait. I’m an idiot. This is actually the Wizards pick. Huh.
ES: And so stylishly dressed, too!
KC: Thunder should take Hassan Whiteside and team him with Serge Ibaka. Every shot that can be blocked shall be blocked.
ES: I don’t know who any of these people are, but their names are good enough to carry entire teams of dudes with dull names.
KC: Not a lot of foreign players in this years draft. Kind of odd. It feels like it’s been 80% American power forwards. Has a second point guard been taken yet?
9:16
KC: ...and Eric Bledsoe taken on cue.
ES: BLOODSOAP.
KC: Yes. Bloodsoap. Apparently there are a lot of trades going on right now. Thunder make the pick, which I thought was already being shipped to New Orleans, but apparently Bloodsoap is actually ending up on the Clippers. Huh.
ES: Would I know about this stuff if I were actually listening to the parts with dumpy old men instead of tall and bright young ones?
KC: Actually, no. ESPN is a little slow tonight. Twitter got all the deets before Stuart Scott knows anything. I apologize for saying “deets.”
ES: When you’re twiddling and tweeting, it’s “context.” When I am, it’s apparently “distraction.” What a double standard.
KC: Sorry, I can’t help it that I am a CHAMPION LEAGUE INTERNETTER. Want to see some Twitter-sourced magic? The Spurs will picks James Anderson.
ES: I don’t believe in magic.
9:27
KC: Spurs pick James Anderson. MAGIC IS REAL. The verdict is still out on whether the Orlando Magic is real though.
ES: The Orlando Magic has been dead to me ever since you pointed out the probably-really-obvious connection between Orlando Magic and Orlando Disney. I hope someone will tell them I said that, because we’re not talking anymore.
KC: I would if I could prove they existed.
9:31
KC: Elizabeth, why don’t you share your strong feelings about Craig Brackins?
ES: He is certainly... a person.
KC: Love in the Time of LeBron: Analysis you can’t get anywhere else.
9:41
ES: Biggest disappointment of the night: No one is terrifying. When does that change from dopey to devilish happen, exactly? Terrifying bald giant of Cleveland, if you are reading this, could you let me know about that? Also, Steve Nash, you get back to me, too.
KC: Steve Nash is just a nice guy, Elizabeth. He just hosted a charity soccer game! In any case, to address your question: People expect Brian Zoubek and John Scheyer to be drafted in the second round.
ES: Terrifying and gross are different things, Kellen. And I can’t help that I am flooded with a pure and primal fear when I gaze upon Steve Nash’s weathered visage. If he is such a nice guy, I know he understands, or at least forgives me. Right, Steve?
Steve Nash: I never forgive, Elizabeth.
ES: THAT IS NOT STEVE NASH TYPING THAT DON’T LISTEN GUYS KELLEN IS LYING
KC: If you choose to underestimate Steve Nash’s hacking skills, that’s on you. I have nothing but respect for you, Mr. Nash.
9:45
KC: Disappointed Hawks fans are the best part of the night. Also, Damion James finally brings a quality beard to this oddly clean-shaven draft.
ES: Now that a quality beard has shown up, I think I can leave you without guilt. Embarrassingly, this is when I have to go to bed. I suppose I can expect nightmares now that we’re talking about Steve Nash. Great timing there.
KC: You could wait to have nightmares about Artsiom Parakhouski. I am told that is a player likely to be drafted. Surely terrifying though. Well thanks for helping me with this crucial and important coverage. The basketball bloggoverse surely thanks you! Goodnight!
Steve Nash: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
ES: Goddamnit.
9:51
KC: Just me from here on out. Also, I take it back: Best part of night is Grizzlies fan mouthing, “I don’t know who he is,” when they announce the Dominique Jones pick.
9:56
I can’t decide if Xavier Henry or Quincy Poindexter is a better name. Great draft for people who sound like their names are fake. Looking at you, Kevin Seraphin.
10:00
I didn’t realize that someone had brought a vuvuzela. I welcome their coming ubiquity. With that said, I expect my draft notes to slow down drastically at this point. Still lots of intriguing players available, and I’ve got to hope someone gives Deon a chance. If someone gives Marcus a chance, that would be icing.
Epilogue
Magnum Rolle makes a late bid for the best name in the draft. In a bitter turn of events, neither Marcus nor even Deon was drafted. In a sweet turn of events, neither Zoubek or Scheyer were drafted either. We'll call the whole affair bittersweet and eagerly await the free-agency apocalypse and the end of days. Also, serious propers to Jose3030 on Twitter for all the screen captures. Don't follow the NBA without following him.
Showing posts with label draft. Show all posts
Showing posts with label draft. Show all posts
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
2010 Love in the Time of Lebron Mock Draft
Last year, I unleashed the finest mock draft this world has ever seen, filled with cunning insight and clever advice. For the record, the actual number one pick of the 2009 NBA Draft didn’t play a single game this season, yet my suggestion is setting all sorts of franchise records for rookie debuts. Tough luck, Clippers: I told you to go for Stephen Strasburg. In any event more wisdom for the ages can be found below.
1. Wizards
Do the John Wall. It’s the dance craze that is sweeping the nation and our dreams. I will say this as plainly as I can: I love two point guard line-ups with all my heart, and I love Gilbert Arenas with something else. If Wizards can land Amar’e in the off-season, they once again become one of my absolute favorite teams. If the Magic actually go through with a Vince Carter trade for Gil, I still stand by everything I just said.
2. 76ers
You know what you can’t coach? Height, athleticism, toughness, and heart. There are just certain intrinsic qualities that are scarce and valuable in the NBA. At some point, it’s okay to ignore the guy with the most skills and instead get the guy with the most intrinsic ability and best intangibles and hope that the skills develop. That’s what you pay coaches for, right? So, here, I think the 76ers take a gamble: Ma-Ti, the Planeteer. Sure, he may not have height, athleticism, or toughness, but no one beats him in the “heart” department, and you just can’t coach that. A pretty clear case of tremendous potential upside.
3. Nets
Here’s something that’s fun: go through an entire season with one of the worst records in the entire history of the NBA and get screwed by ending up with the third pick. John Wall should rightfully play for the Nets! There is only one logical route to vengeance. Upstage his dance craze. Now while there are some concerns that this prospect is already past their peak, the Nets stand firm: New Jersey would like to draft Souljah Boy. The rest of the league would like to groan loudly.
4. Timberwolves
If we learned anything from last year’s draft, it’s that David Kahn loves to draft point guards. It’s obvious but true. There is an important corollary to this rule: the only thing he loves more than drafting a point guard is drafting a point guard who won’t actually play in Minnesota. That being said, the Timberwolves should go for the best available option: Chris Paul. BONUS: For their other two first round picks, Kahn asks himself the hard question, “Who is the next best unavailable point guard?” And that’s how Deron Williams and Rajon Rondo were drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves and I decided that the NBA would be fine with only 29 teams.
5. Kings
I’ve heard somewhere that you can use a number of mind tricks and brash confidence to just take what you want from people and have them go along with it. It’s uncanny to watch Derren Brown pay people with blank paper and have them simply accept it blindly, as if it were perfectly normal. It’s amazing how a little bit of patter, confusion, and distraction can make a mind more willing to accept the impossible, isn’t it? Incidentally, the Kings draft LeBron James. But yeah, the human mind, surely a susceptible thing.
6. Warriors
If you would like to read my Demarcus Cousins fanfiction, please email me at loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com. I will happily send you a story about Cousins’ occult initiation into the Warriors at the hands of Anthony Randolph. I am serious.
7. Pistons
The Pistons are still in this league? Seriously? Wow. Wait who is Jonas Jerebko? Shit. Umm, okay. How about Greg Monroe? Yeah. That dude.
8. Clippers
Donald Sterling doesn’t have a great reputation, but he is an innovator. The Clippers burned by their lack of draft success in the past have devised a new system to ensure future success. In traditional systems, the team pays the player a sum that is determined by their contract. Under the Clippers new system the newly drafted player would be placed at the bottom of the Clippers Pyramid of Winning. The Pyramid of Winning is a hierarchical system that rewards loyalty and contributions to the Clipper Organization while granting newly drafted rookies the success and wealth they want without having to try or even play. Newly drafted rookies put themselves at the bottom of the pyramid and then send a hundred dollar bill to everyone above them on the pyramid. Each year, the rookie gets to move themselves up a tier on the pyramid. This means, that in a few short years, a rookie drafted by the Clippers will be making an extravagant amount of money and managing the whole organization without having spent a single minute on the court! Amazing! To participate, please send the money to all the people above you in the pyramid and then prepare to draft three rookies of your own in the coming year. Great job with the innovation, Donald!
9. Jazz
Tough-minded couch Jerry Sloan is always looking for defensive talent. This year he hoped to convince the ownership to draft for defense. For weeks now, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth had been on top of their draft board based on his size and physical play, but recent revelations about his intangibles, namely lack of cooperation and diva tendencies have caused the Jazz to go in a different direction. Arguably selecting the best defensive player in America, the Jazz pick Tim Howard, whose goal keeping experience is a huge plus, though worries about his tendency to goal-tend nearly every shot at the net remain.
10. Pacers
Listen: you know the joke I am going to make here. Of course it’s about how the Pacers like to draft white players. You know why? Of course you do; we all know why. The Pacers have recently drafted/traded for a bunch of white players and there’s a feeling that it’s a weird racial subtextual response to the brawl at the Palace and, well, the fact that they play in Indiana. We should be calling out Indiana on how fucked up this is that they seem to be deliberately engaging in a policy of picking less talented white players over better black players. Making a lame joke about how the Pacers seem kind of racist is the very least we can do to call attention to this fairly disturbing fact.
So, long story short, the Pacers are almost certainly going to draft Gordon Hayward.
11. Hornets
The Hornets want a sound pick, but they also want to make a scene on draft day. So, I think they go for a pick that has the most buzz: the vuvuzela. In other news, I am so sorry.
12. Grizzlies
It’s no secret that Michael Heisley, the majority owner of the Grizzlies is a big fan of saving money. Having to pay a first round lottery pick is expensive business, so many in the Grizzlies organization have suggested trying to sell/get rid of the pick. The thinking is that you let the teams that are willing to pay so much money for the right at the main courses go ahead and dig in and then scrounge for leftovers. You see, the point is, even after the other teams have had their picks, there’s still plenty of meat on that bone: you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato; baby, you got a stew goin’.
13. Raptors
You know who has an awesome name? The Toronto Raptors. I know some people think it’s kind of silly and lacks the timeless and classic feel of other team names, but honestly, NBA team names are kind of terrible. Sure, most people don’t see any logical connection between Toronto and raptors, but there isn’t a logical connection between Utah and jazz is there? Don’t worry about it: The Raptors have a great name. You know who else has an awesome name: Xavier Henry. Just saying.
14. Rockets
The Rockets have only had three lottery picks in the past ten years. The players they selected were Richard Jefferson, Yao Ming, and Rudy Gay. Not bad at all. Everyone knows the Rockets are one of the smartest teams in the NBA. If they use this pick on a player, take note of this player. On the other hand, Daryl Morey has a real talent for turning picks into real assets quickly. Look for him to use a recursive function or possibly some sort of geometric series to increase the picks of the Houston rockets to a value rapidly approaching either infinity or Hassan Whiteside.
1. Wizards
Do the John Wall. It’s the dance craze that is sweeping the nation and our dreams. I will say this as plainly as I can: I love two point guard line-ups with all my heart, and I love Gilbert Arenas with something else. If Wizards can land Amar’e in the off-season, they once again become one of my absolute favorite teams. If the Magic actually go through with a Vince Carter trade for Gil, I still stand by everything I just said.
2. 76ers
You know what you can’t coach? Height, athleticism, toughness, and heart. There are just certain intrinsic qualities that are scarce and valuable in the NBA. At some point, it’s okay to ignore the guy with the most skills and instead get the guy with the most intrinsic ability and best intangibles and hope that the skills develop. That’s what you pay coaches for, right? So, here, I think the 76ers take a gamble: Ma-Ti, the Planeteer. Sure, he may not have height, athleticism, or toughness, but no one beats him in the “heart” department, and you just can’t coach that. A pretty clear case of tremendous potential upside.
3. Nets
Here’s something that’s fun: go through an entire season with one of the worst records in the entire history of the NBA and get screwed by ending up with the third pick. John Wall should rightfully play for the Nets! There is only one logical route to vengeance. Upstage his dance craze. Now while there are some concerns that this prospect is already past their peak, the Nets stand firm: New Jersey would like to draft Souljah Boy. The rest of the league would like to groan loudly.
4. Timberwolves
If we learned anything from last year’s draft, it’s that David Kahn loves to draft point guards. It’s obvious but true. There is an important corollary to this rule: the only thing he loves more than drafting a point guard is drafting a point guard who won’t actually play in Minnesota. That being said, the Timberwolves should go for the best available option: Chris Paul. BONUS: For their other two first round picks, Kahn asks himself the hard question, “Who is the next best unavailable point guard?” And that’s how Deron Williams and Rajon Rondo were drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves and I decided that the NBA would be fine with only 29 teams.
5. Kings
I’ve heard somewhere that you can use a number of mind tricks and brash confidence to just take what you want from people and have them go along with it. It’s uncanny to watch Derren Brown pay people with blank paper and have them simply accept it blindly, as if it were perfectly normal. It’s amazing how a little bit of patter, confusion, and distraction can make a mind more willing to accept the impossible, isn’t it? Incidentally, the Kings draft LeBron James. But yeah, the human mind, surely a susceptible thing.
6. Warriors
If you would like to read my Demarcus Cousins fanfiction, please email me at loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com. I will happily send you a story about Cousins’ occult initiation into the Warriors at the hands of Anthony Randolph. I am serious.
7. Pistons
The Pistons are still in this league? Seriously? Wow. Wait who is Jonas Jerebko? Shit. Umm, okay. How about Greg Monroe? Yeah. That dude.
8. Clippers
Donald Sterling doesn’t have a great reputation, but he is an innovator. The Clippers burned by their lack of draft success in the past have devised a new system to ensure future success. In traditional systems, the team pays the player a sum that is determined by their contract. Under the Clippers new system the newly drafted player would be placed at the bottom of the Clippers Pyramid of Winning. The Pyramid of Winning is a hierarchical system that rewards loyalty and contributions to the Clipper Organization while granting newly drafted rookies the success and wealth they want without having to try or even play. Newly drafted rookies put themselves at the bottom of the pyramid and then send a hundred dollar bill to everyone above them on the pyramid. Each year, the rookie gets to move themselves up a tier on the pyramid. This means, that in a few short years, a rookie drafted by the Clippers will be making an extravagant amount of money and managing the whole organization without having spent a single minute on the court! Amazing! To participate, please send the money to all the people above you in the pyramid and then prepare to draft three rookies of your own in the coming year. Great job with the innovation, Donald!
9. Jazz
Tough-minded couch Jerry Sloan is always looking for defensive talent. This year he hoped to convince the ownership to draft for defense. For weeks now, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth had been on top of their draft board based on his size and physical play, but recent revelations about his intangibles, namely lack of cooperation and diva tendencies have caused the Jazz to go in a different direction. Arguably selecting the best defensive player in America, the Jazz pick Tim Howard, whose goal keeping experience is a huge plus, though worries about his tendency to goal-tend nearly every shot at the net remain.
10. Pacers
Listen: you know the joke I am going to make here. Of course it’s about how the Pacers like to draft white players. You know why? Of course you do; we all know why. The Pacers have recently drafted/traded for a bunch of white players and there’s a feeling that it’s a weird racial subtextual response to the brawl at the Palace and, well, the fact that they play in Indiana. We should be calling out Indiana on how fucked up this is that they seem to be deliberately engaging in a policy of picking less talented white players over better black players. Making a lame joke about how the Pacers seem kind of racist is the very least we can do to call attention to this fairly disturbing fact.
So, long story short, the Pacers are almost certainly going to draft Gordon Hayward.
11. Hornets
The Hornets want a sound pick, but they also want to make a scene on draft day. So, I think they go for a pick that has the most buzz: the vuvuzela. In other news, I am so sorry.
12. Grizzlies
It’s no secret that Michael Heisley, the majority owner of the Grizzlies is a big fan of saving money. Having to pay a first round lottery pick is expensive business, so many in the Grizzlies organization have suggested trying to sell/get rid of the pick. The thinking is that you let the teams that are willing to pay so much money for the right at the main courses go ahead and dig in and then scrounge for leftovers. You see, the point is, even after the other teams have had their picks, there’s still plenty of meat on that bone: you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato; baby, you got a stew goin’.
13. Raptors
You know who has an awesome name? The Toronto Raptors. I know some people think it’s kind of silly and lacks the timeless and classic feel of other team names, but honestly, NBA team names are kind of terrible. Sure, most people don’t see any logical connection between Toronto and raptors, but there isn’t a logical connection between Utah and jazz is there? Don’t worry about it: The Raptors have a great name. You know who else has an awesome name: Xavier Henry. Just saying.
14. Rockets
The Rockets have only had three lottery picks in the past ten years. The players they selected were Richard Jefferson, Yao Ming, and Rudy Gay. Not bad at all. Everyone knows the Rockets are one of the smartest teams in the NBA. If they use this pick on a player, take note of this player. On the other hand, Daryl Morey has a real talent for turning picks into real assets quickly. Look for him to use a recursive function or possibly some sort of geometric series to increase the picks of the Houston rockets to a value rapidly approaching either infinity or Hassan Whiteside.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My Mock Draft 2009, Part III
This is part III. For maximum enjoyment, you should start with part I then proceed to part II before reading this. Happy Draft, everyone!
21. Hornets
New Orleans is rumored to be looking for a three point assassin and a credible shooter to help extend defenses. The Hornets have worked out John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Ramon Mercador and have been fairly impressed with the drive and determination of these men. The most compelling prospect for the Hornets' needs, however, might come from overseas. From Serbia, Gavrilo Princip seems to offer a promising combination of shooting and showmanship that drew a lot of attention in Europe. Look for the savvy Hornets to use their pick on him if he's still available.
22. Mavericks
After John McCain failed the physical exam, what was going to be a relative no-brainer of a pick turned more difficult. Fortunately, Mark Cuban himself found a player he particularly like and admired while watching a late night movie on basic cable: the character Bret Maverick (as played by Mel Gibson), from the 1994 film "Maverick," a remake of 1950's television series. The fact that Benjamin Martin of the film "The Patriot" has already been drafted by the NFL's New England Patriots introduces a potential wrinkle as both are played by Mel Gibson. I'm confident however that Maverick's easy charm and clever card sharp ways will help him figure out a way to wrangle himself out of this jam.
23. Kings
The Kings have a chance to draft a former number one ranked high school player turned genuine sleeper with All-Star potential written all over him. Though he caused a big sensation in high school, he doesn't seem to have been heavily scouted since then and his NBA rights are available to whatever team is daring enough to make the pick. No easy answers to why he seems to be off the NBA's map, but perhaps the backlash against a once much-hyped player gone too far? Watch the highlight reel and I think you'll agree.
I think Teen Wolf would be a talented and immediate contributor for Sacremento.
24. Trailblazers
In a few much publicized interviews, the front office, players and coaches of the Trailblazers have all expressed a desire to draft a player with a heaping helping of that great intangible, "toughness." To this end, the Trailblazers should seek to draft some of the toughest known-quantities available. Specifically, they should look to draft a star of one of the cable survival shows. While Survivorman is arguably smarter, Bear Grylls's military training and relative youth offers a combined package of discipline and athleticism to complement his legendary toughness. At this point I would like to mention that Bear Grylls drank his own urine once as well as squeezing water out of elephant shit to prevent dehydration. Dude would practically die before surrendering a lay up or a loose ball.
25. Thunder
Oklahoma City has a talented young core with Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Russell Westbrook. All they need is time and a few more skilled role players. The Thunder's front office should see this golden moment and stay aggressive with their drafting and not be afraid to take a few risks.
AIN'T NO RULE SAY THE DOG CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL
26. Bulls
The Bulls are still in rebuilding mode, though since drafting Derrick Rose, the team finally has a piece worth building around. Chicago's front office should be on the lookout for dynamic players who will compliment the play of Rose and be able to play a supporting role without their ego getting in the way. I think Chicago should draft Scottie Pippen.
27. Grizzlies
Memphis, looking for a way to draw a crowd, should consider drafting one or more of the Nerdlucks from the movie "Space Jam." Though on their own, the Nerdlucks are not skilled basketball players, their ability to steal the talent of other players and transform into Monstars make them a great asset on the court and at the ticket office. The possibility that either the Looney Tunes characters or Michael Jordan will intervene to come play special games against a Monstar-laden Grizzlies team should only increase their appeal to the front office. In particular, Pound and Bang seem like top prospects.
28. Timberwolves
This is Minnesota's third pick in the first round of this notably weak draft. The pickings should be fairly slim by this point, but Minnesota should just try to get the best possible value out of this pick. Whether it's a hare, mice, or even carrion, the Timberwolves should be able to find some satisfying morsel to fulfill their ravenous and all-consuming hunger.
29. Lakers
Since Phil Jackson has now won ten championship rings he's unlocked the ability to play through the entire regular season using any of the available alternate costumes and uniforms. Winning ten rings also activates the Cheat Code entry form, accessible from the main menu. Entering "wiltabduljordan" activates God mode, while "onemoretime" automatically skips directly to the NBA Finals. So I don't know, maybe he should just draft an old friends cousin or something as a favor since it doesn't really matter anymore. Maybe Jack Nicholson would be nice.
30. Cavaliers
Danny Green makes so much sense if they can address their front court needs through trades and free agency. Think about it. No, no. Just think about it.
21. Hornets
New Orleans is rumored to be looking for a three point assassin and a credible shooter to help extend defenses. The Hornets have worked out John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Ramon Mercador and have been fairly impressed with the drive and determination of these men. The most compelling prospect for the Hornets' needs, however, might come from overseas. From Serbia, Gavrilo Princip seems to offer a promising combination of shooting and showmanship that drew a lot of attention in Europe. Look for the savvy Hornets to use their pick on him if he's still available.
22. Mavericks
After John McCain failed the physical exam, what was going to be a relative no-brainer of a pick turned more difficult. Fortunately, Mark Cuban himself found a player he particularly like and admired while watching a late night movie on basic cable: the character Bret Maverick (as played by Mel Gibson), from the 1994 film "Maverick," a remake of 1950's television series. The fact that Benjamin Martin of the film "The Patriot" has already been drafted by the NFL's New England Patriots introduces a potential wrinkle as both are played by Mel Gibson. I'm confident however that Maverick's easy charm and clever card sharp ways will help him figure out a way to wrangle himself out of this jam.
23. Kings
The Kings have a chance to draft a former number one ranked high school player turned genuine sleeper with All-Star potential written all over him. Though he caused a big sensation in high school, he doesn't seem to have been heavily scouted since then and his NBA rights are available to whatever team is daring enough to make the pick. No easy answers to why he seems to be off the NBA's map, but perhaps the backlash against a once much-hyped player gone too far? Watch the highlight reel and I think you'll agree.
I think Teen Wolf would be a talented and immediate contributor for Sacremento.
24. Trailblazers
In a few much publicized interviews, the front office, players and coaches of the Trailblazers have all expressed a desire to draft a player with a heaping helping of that great intangible, "toughness." To this end, the Trailblazers should seek to draft some of the toughest known-quantities available. Specifically, they should look to draft a star of one of the cable survival shows. While Survivorman is arguably smarter, Bear Grylls's military training and relative youth offers a combined package of discipline and athleticism to complement his legendary toughness. At this point I would like to mention that Bear Grylls drank his own urine once as well as squeezing water out of elephant shit to prevent dehydration. Dude would practically die before surrendering a lay up or a loose ball.
25. Thunder
Oklahoma City has a talented young core with Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Russell Westbrook. All they need is time and a few more skilled role players. The Thunder's front office should see this golden moment and stay aggressive with their drafting and not be afraid to take a few risks.
AIN'T NO RULE SAY THE DOG CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL
26. Bulls
The Bulls are still in rebuilding mode, though since drafting Derrick Rose, the team finally has a piece worth building around. Chicago's front office should be on the lookout for dynamic players who will compliment the play of Rose and be able to play a supporting role without their ego getting in the way. I think Chicago should draft Scottie Pippen.
27. Grizzlies
Memphis, looking for a way to draw a crowd, should consider drafting one or more of the Nerdlucks from the movie "Space Jam." Though on their own, the Nerdlucks are not skilled basketball players, their ability to steal the talent of other players and transform into Monstars make them a great asset on the court and at the ticket office. The possibility that either the Looney Tunes characters or Michael Jordan will intervene to come play special games against a Monstar-laden Grizzlies team should only increase their appeal to the front office. In particular, Pound and Bang seem like top prospects.
28. Timberwolves
This is Minnesota's third pick in the first round of this notably weak draft. The pickings should be fairly slim by this point, but Minnesota should just try to get the best possible value out of this pick. Whether it's a hare, mice, or even carrion, the Timberwolves should be able to find some satisfying morsel to fulfill their ravenous and all-consuming hunger.
29. Lakers
Since Phil Jackson has now won ten championship rings he's unlocked the ability to play through the entire regular season using any of the available alternate costumes and uniforms. Winning ten rings also activates the Cheat Code entry form, accessible from the main menu. Entering "wiltabduljordan" activates God mode, while "onemoretime" automatically skips directly to the NBA Finals. So I don't know, maybe he should just draft an old friends cousin or something as a favor since it doesn't really matter anymore. Maybe Jack Nicholson would be nice.
30. Cavaliers
Danny Green makes so much sense if they can address their front court needs through trades and free agency. Think about it. No, no. Just think about it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My Mock Draft 2009, Part II
Part I is here.
11. Nets
New Jersey, like many teams such as the rival Knicks, are positioning themselves to sign one or more members of the vaunted free agent class of 2010, with the chief prize being Lebron. With this in mind, New Jersey should try to draft pieces to make the Nets more attractive to these free agents. In this case, I think the best move might be to draft Lebron James's mother. With the Nets looking to move Vince Carter, there will be room at the shooting guard position for Lebron's mom's spot up shooting skills and vocal defensive leadership. Her underrated athleticism and ability to potentially lure in the Chosen One make her a can't miss prospect. Surprisingly, Chris Bosh has also said in interviews that he would be more likely to consider New Jersey as a destination if he knew Lebron's mom was playing there.
12. Bobcats
The Bobcats owners, coaches and other front office staff have made Michael Jordan promise to not draft any Carolina guys this year. Torn up by the pathological need to draft either Lawson, Ellington, Hansbrough, or Green, Jordan decides to compromise by drafting someone from Chapel Hill who did not play on the 2009 Championship Team. With the 12th pick, Michael Jordan drafts classic Chapel Hill band Polvo to the Bobcats, where they offer much needed depth at the guitarist position. Suddenly, FreeDarko starts writing a lot more about the Bobcats.
13. Pacers
Expect Larry Bird to look to his experience with the Celtics to inform his take on the draft. Just like in Boston, Larry Bird knows that a quality mythical mount is essential to winning a championship. Who can forget how Bill Russell used his hippogriff mount to win 11 NBA championships? Look for Larry Bird to try to draft a quality mount for Danny Granger such as a unicorn or maybe even a pegasus if one is still available.
14. Suns
The Suns will try to replace an aging Steve Nash with a younger Steve Nash. As such, Phoenix should draft the 13 year old clone that has been growing in a liquid filled tube underneath the Phoenix home court. As part of his rookie contract, Steve Nash agreed to research and develop the technology necessary to clone himself. The clone, as fas as anyone knows, has been growing according to schedule. Now, some GM's might be skeptical about drafting a thirteen year old, but remember, Ricky Rubio was only 14 when he started playing overseas and Steve Nash himself has vowed to invent some sort of consciousness transferring or time compression technology to help allow his heir to step in with near complete continuity. Assuming that the clone has not become a terrible abomination in the eyes of God and a horrible affront to nature bent on murder, this plan should work out quite well.
15. Pistons
The Pistons need to consider their long term plans and financial situation. They should give some strong thought to trying to sell this pick for some cash, which Detroit desperately needs. They could make it appealing to other teams by packaging the pick with a fleet of Ford Tauruses and the capitalist relics from the sacred temple of Ford himself. Anyway a few locks of a captain of industry's hair, some domestic sedans, and the fifteenth pick in the draft should be enough to entice some team to hand over some cash, giving them the financial flexibility to make a splash on the free agent scene.
15. Bulls
Coming off a wildly successful season after drafting Rookie of the Year Derrick Rose, Chicago should try to replicate that drafting success. While it might be trickier to accomplish this with the 16th pick, Chicago could always try to trade. up. If this isn't possible, I would recommend simply drafting Derrick Rose again considering how well that worked out last year.
17. 76ers
If Ty Lawson is stupidly still available, Philadelphia should take him.
18. Timberwolves
With all of the caribou, moose, and larger game off the board, Minnesota should draft for value and select the best available option of those remaining in the draft. Be it a a white-tailed deer, a beaver, or even just some lemmings, the T'Wolves should just try to satiate their hunger as best they can lest the rest of the team turn on Kevin Love and rip his body apart.
19. Hawks
Impressed by the impact that the live Hawk mascot had swooping around the Atlanta arena during playoffs, expect the Hawks to try to upgrade at this position with a much bigger bird. An eagle seems like a likely choice, though the particular kind is open to much speculation. If the Hawks are willing to move up in size and sacrifice a little agility and maneuverability for size, an albatross might be a good choice.
20. Jazz
Many people expect that Salt Lake City will select a clean cut, heartland farmboy looking, white dude whose name rhymes with Mansbrough to play in the land of clean cut, heartland farmboy looking white dudes. This thinking is wrong. EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: The Utah Jazz are drafting Lil Wayne because Jerry Sloan also loves autotune, free style mixtapes, and recreational use of codeine cough syrup and also because Kirilenko won't party with him anymore.
Picks 21-30 are in part III.
11. Nets
New Jersey, like many teams such as the rival Knicks, are positioning themselves to sign one or more members of the vaunted free agent class of 2010, with the chief prize being Lebron. With this in mind, New Jersey should try to draft pieces to make the Nets more attractive to these free agents. In this case, I think the best move might be to draft Lebron James's mother. With the Nets looking to move Vince Carter, there will be room at the shooting guard position for Lebron's mom's spot up shooting skills and vocal defensive leadership. Her underrated athleticism and ability to potentially lure in the Chosen One make her a can't miss prospect. Surprisingly, Chris Bosh has also said in interviews that he would be more likely to consider New Jersey as a destination if he knew Lebron's mom was playing there.
12. Bobcats
The Bobcats owners, coaches and other front office staff have made Michael Jordan promise to not draft any Carolina guys this year. Torn up by the pathological need to draft either Lawson, Ellington, Hansbrough, or Green, Jordan decides to compromise by drafting someone from Chapel Hill who did not play on the 2009 Championship Team. With the 12th pick, Michael Jordan drafts classic Chapel Hill band Polvo to the Bobcats, where they offer much needed depth at the guitarist position. Suddenly, FreeDarko starts writing a lot more about the Bobcats.
13. Pacers
Expect Larry Bird to look to his experience with the Celtics to inform his take on the draft. Just like in Boston, Larry Bird knows that a quality mythical mount is essential to winning a championship. Who can forget how Bill Russell used his hippogriff mount to win 11 NBA championships? Look for Larry Bird to try to draft a quality mount for Danny Granger such as a unicorn or maybe even a pegasus if one is still available.
14. Suns
The Suns will try to replace an aging Steve Nash with a younger Steve Nash. As such, Phoenix should draft the 13 year old clone that has been growing in a liquid filled tube underneath the Phoenix home court. As part of his rookie contract, Steve Nash agreed to research and develop the technology necessary to clone himself. The clone, as fas as anyone knows, has been growing according to schedule. Now, some GM's might be skeptical about drafting a thirteen year old, but remember, Ricky Rubio was only 14 when he started playing overseas and Steve Nash himself has vowed to invent some sort of consciousness transferring or time compression technology to help allow his heir to step in with near complete continuity. Assuming that the clone has not become a terrible abomination in the eyes of God and a horrible affront to nature bent on murder, this plan should work out quite well.
15. Pistons
The Pistons need to consider their long term plans and financial situation. They should give some strong thought to trying to sell this pick for some cash, which Detroit desperately needs. They could make it appealing to other teams by packaging the pick with a fleet of Ford Tauruses and the capitalist relics from the sacred temple of Ford himself. Anyway a few locks of a captain of industry's hair, some domestic sedans, and the fifteenth pick in the draft should be enough to entice some team to hand over some cash, giving them the financial flexibility to make a splash on the free agent scene.
15. Bulls
Coming off a wildly successful season after drafting Rookie of the Year Derrick Rose, Chicago should try to replicate that drafting success. While it might be trickier to accomplish this with the 16th pick, Chicago could always try to trade. up. If this isn't possible, I would recommend simply drafting Derrick Rose again considering how well that worked out last year.
17. 76ers
If Ty Lawson is stupidly still available, Philadelphia should take him.
18. Timberwolves
With all of the caribou, moose, and larger game off the board, Minnesota should draft for value and select the best available option of those remaining in the draft. Be it a a white-tailed deer, a beaver, or even just some lemmings, the T'Wolves should just try to satiate their hunger as best they can lest the rest of the team turn on Kevin Love and rip his body apart.
19. Hawks
Impressed by the impact that the live Hawk mascot had swooping around the Atlanta arena during playoffs, expect the Hawks to try to upgrade at this position with a much bigger bird. An eagle seems like a likely choice, though the particular kind is open to much speculation. If the Hawks are willing to move up in size and sacrifice a little agility and maneuverability for size, an albatross might be a good choice.
20. Jazz
Many people expect that Salt Lake City will select a clean cut, heartland farmboy looking, white dude whose name rhymes with Mansbrough to play in the land of clean cut, heartland farmboy looking white dudes. This thinking is wrong. EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: The Utah Jazz are drafting Lil Wayne because Jerry Sloan also loves autotune, free style mixtapes, and recreational use of codeine cough syrup and also because Kirilenko won't party with him anymore.
Picks 21-30 are in part III.
My Mock Draft 2009, Part I
In this multi-part series (parts one, two, and three), I'd like to lay out some advice for teams regarding the NBA draft. The easiest and most formulaic way to do this is through a mock draft. Special thanks to the good folks at Disciples of Clyde for planting the seeds for this idea. LET'S GO!
1. Clippers
With the number one pick available in the draft, the Clippers have resolved to take the obvious and clear best available player: Stephen Strasburg. This right handed pitcher out of San Diego State has a devastating fastball that should give the Clippers the strength they've long been lacking from either their starting rotation or bullpen.
2. Grizzlies
The Grizzlies, troubled by the harsh economic climate, have elected to draft FRIENDSHIP. This prospect has a lot of potential upside and should be an invaluable asset to such a young team. Furthermore, FRIENDSHIP, as an abstract, though undeniable important, concept, is still under contract in Europe, which will allow the Grizzlies to draft it without having to add anything to their payroll right away. This sort of flexibility should be a big asset for the cash-strapped team.
3. Thunder
Blake Griffin will join the too-talented young TEAM OF THE FUTURE. By accumulating such talented athletes and skilled players, Oklahoma City will one day be poised to win the NBA title. And on that day, Russell Westbrook, Blake Griffin, Kevin Durant, and Jeff Green will ride their jet packs and hover cars back home and pack for a trip to Space Disneyland on Mars. Because it will be the future then and I imagine we will have all these things.
4. Kings
Sacremento will be picking critically lauded actor Ian McShane of the HBO western ,"Deadwood" and the short-lived NBC drama, "Kings." In his brief stint with the NBC show that mixed biblical allegory with a clever tale about a modern day monarchy, McShane showed real leadership and flair as King Silas. Though the show has been cancelled, Sacremento has been impressed by his proven success as a King and hopes to help him chase down the NBA Championship and Best Actor Emmy he has long deserved, but failed to win.
5. Wizards
Washington, seeking to fill a perceived lack of depth in their guard rotation, ought to give President Barack Obama a good look. One of the most thoroughly scouted players in the draft, his game is well-known and steady. He could provide a winning attitude, veteran leadership, and an all-round inspirational presence while also providing quality minutes each game spelling for Gilbert Arenas. These strengths more than offset the weaknesses of limited availability and increased age.
6. Timberwolves
The Timberwolves need to look to the future, but they shouldn't look to neglect their immediate needs. The Timberwolves should give some thought to drafting a herd of caribou. Such a move, I suspect, would improve relations with the T'Wolves and the front office in Minnesota.
7. Warriors
Golden State needs to realize that a party of adventurers can't hope to succeed if it is composed only of Warriors. Expect Golden State to draft for balance and utility, perhaps selecting a cleric or wizard, though it's easy to see how a bard or druid with a high charisma might provide a welcome addition to this band of companions. A rogue might be useful, but the specialized skill set might not be the best fit for Coach Don Nelson who likes to go versatile. Under no circumstances should they draft a barbarian.
8. Knicks
D'Antoni needs a young, super-talented point guard to key his high octane system. The Knicks should therefore look to simultaneously draft Ricky Rubio, Brandon Jennings, Ty Lawson, Johnny Flynn, Stephen Curry, Tyreke Evans, and Jrue Holliday and make them square off in a sort of post-apocalyptic Mad Max/Escape from New York situation. The one who survives and manages to dispose of both Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell will be the new starting point guard for the Knicks.
9. Raptors
The Raptors should consider drafting the Syfy television network despite it's stupid name. The network's experience making and broadcasting the films Raptor Island and Planet Raptor show a good understanding of how to deal with and play with Toronto. Likewise, I think that the Syfy television network could learn a lot from Toronto's new coach, the ghost of Jurassic Park game warden, Robert Muldoon.
10. Bucks
No one cares. Fuck, I don't know. Johnny Flynn. Yeah, sure, they'll draft Johnny Flynn.
Picks 11-20 are in part II.
Picks 21-30 are in part III.
1. Clippers
With the number one pick available in the draft, the Clippers have resolved to take the obvious and clear best available player: Stephen Strasburg. This right handed pitcher out of San Diego State has a devastating fastball that should give the Clippers the strength they've long been lacking from either their starting rotation or bullpen.
2. Grizzlies
The Grizzlies, troubled by the harsh economic climate, have elected to draft FRIENDSHIP. This prospect has a lot of potential upside and should be an invaluable asset to such a young team. Furthermore, FRIENDSHIP, as an abstract, though undeniable important, concept, is still under contract in Europe, which will allow the Grizzlies to draft it without having to add anything to their payroll right away. This sort of flexibility should be a big asset for the cash-strapped team.
3. Thunder
Blake Griffin will join the too-talented young TEAM OF THE FUTURE. By accumulating such talented athletes and skilled players, Oklahoma City will one day be poised to win the NBA title. And on that day, Russell Westbrook, Blake Griffin, Kevin Durant, and Jeff Green will ride their jet packs and hover cars back home and pack for a trip to Space Disneyland on Mars. Because it will be the future then and I imagine we will have all these things.
4. Kings
Sacremento will be picking critically lauded actor Ian McShane of the HBO western ,"Deadwood" and the short-lived NBC drama, "Kings." In his brief stint with the NBC show that mixed biblical allegory with a clever tale about a modern day monarchy, McShane showed real leadership and flair as King Silas. Though the show has been cancelled, Sacremento has been impressed by his proven success as a King and hopes to help him chase down the NBA Championship and Best Actor Emmy he has long deserved, but failed to win.
5. Wizards
Washington, seeking to fill a perceived lack of depth in their guard rotation, ought to give President Barack Obama a good look. One of the most thoroughly scouted players in the draft, his game is well-known and steady. He could provide a winning attitude, veteran leadership, and an all-round inspirational presence while also providing quality minutes each game spelling for Gilbert Arenas. These strengths more than offset the weaknesses of limited availability and increased age.
6. Timberwolves
The Timberwolves need to look to the future, but they shouldn't look to neglect their immediate needs. The Timberwolves should give some thought to drafting a herd of caribou. Such a move, I suspect, would improve relations with the T'Wolves and the front office in Minnesota.
7. Warriors
Golden State needs to realize that a party of adventurers can't hope to succeed if it is composed only of Warriors. Expect Golden State to draft for balance and utility, perhaps selecting a cleric or wizard, though it's easy to see how a bard or druid with a high charisma might provide a welcome addition to this band of companions. A rogue might be useful, but the specialized skill set might not be the best fit for Coach Don Nelson who likes to go versatile. Under no circumstances should they draft a barbarian.
8. Knicks
D'Antoni needs a young, super-talented point guard to key his high octane system. The Knicks should therefore look to simultaneously draft Ricky Rubio, Brandon Jennings, Ty Lawson, Johnny Flynn, Stephen Curry, Tyreke Evans, and Jrue Holliday and make them square off in a sort of post-apocalyptic Mad Max/Escape from New York situation. The one who survives and manages to dispose of both Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell will be the new starting point guard for the Knicks.
9. Raptors
The Raptors should consider drafting the Syfy television network despite it's stupid name. The network's experience making and broadcasting the films Raptor Island and Planet Raptor show a good understanding of how to deal with and play with Toronto. Likewise, I think that the Syfy television network could learn a lot from Toronto's new coach, the ghost of Jurassic Park game warden, Robert Muldoon.
10. Bucks
No one cares. Fuck, I don't know. Johnny Flynn. Yeah, sure, they'll draft Johnny Flynn.
Picks 11-20 are in part II.
Picks 21-30 are in part III.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)