Friday, June 25, 2010

My Drunk Girlfriend Watches the NBA Draft

Well, the NBA season is over, but the NBA off-season has just begun! After such a stunning and surely predictive Mock Draft, it feels like I'd be doing you a great disservice if I didn't cover how the actual thing went down. Then I had an ideaL why should I cover it when I can get Elizabeth to get tipsy and cover it for me? It worked so well for the play-offs, after all. So here you go: Elizabeth and I blog the 2010 NBA Draft.

ES: John Wall is the only man here I know much about (OK, I only know this), though that seems like enough. This is the only time in history that my assessment of the most desirable player (always determined by whose name I can remember first, or at all) matches up with the experts’.

ES: Gordon Hayward: a douchebag? My time-tested “snap judgments based on nothing but a fleeting and totally uninformed first impression” meter is going wild in that direction.
KC: He’s apparently a very nice young man.
ES: That’s what you say about Steve Nash, too. Well. Not the young part.

ES: I really liked it a few minutes ago when they showed them all lined up like a bunch of girls getting their group prom photos taken. Coincidentally, the awkward expressions on these guys’ faces suggest that prom was actually the last time any of them wore a suit.
KC: Right. Because that was just one year ago. They are babies.

ES: Gordon Hayward seems a little sweeter now that he’s perched uncomfortably in a way-too-small armchair, but he still seems like he would fingerbang your daughter.
ES: You don’t know what he does in that minivan.
KC: You are gross.

ES: I missed that whole last bit. Was that Demarcus Cousins? He just brought the uncomfortable hover-lean to national television. He surrounded the lady who was interviewing him on two sides.
KC: He’s the best for basketball fan-fiction.
ES: I have my own basketball fan-fiction about him, but it’s a bit personal. SORRY
KC: I would have figured you for more of a John Wall type. The more you know.
ES: I didn’t say it was just Cousins in there.
KC: I really hope by “in there” you mean your head. At this point I will remind and link everyone to your Tyler Hansbrough dream. He’s a Pacer, Elizabeth. A PACER!

ES: The Bulls’ logo: so very angry! It scares me, hovering over that anchor’s head.
KC: This is a scintillating discussion of the salary cap and luxury tax. I’m sure you are paying attention.
ES: I just heard them say “role-players” and I thought of me, John Wall, and Demarcus Cousins.
KC: I bet you are the chatoic good elven cleric. Wall is obviously the Wizard. Demarcus Cousins might be King. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
ES: I would look the other way, but I’m already having a hard enough time typing straight.

ES: Look, the overhead lighting is like prom, too!
KC: Have you seen their official pictures yet? Check it. Though not for too long. THERE IS SO MUCH MYSTERY IN THESE FIRST PICKS.

KC: I love the intro.
ES: I am very much appreciating whoever it is they show from behind in front of the window and in front of the bridge. For their talent.
KC: Wow, Stern boos already. Keep it classy, New York. Oh nice, he shouts out the unruly fans. Well-played Stern.

ES: They’re showing the Wizards. “Gotta wonder what they’re doing in there,” say the anchors. Looks like... looking at computers, talking on the phone, and looking real pleased with themselves? We got the camera in there, y’all.
KC: Arenas + Wall = Awesome. It’s basic math, you guys.
ES: Did that one commentator just say that someone is named Bloodso? It actually sounded like “Bloodsoap,” but I know the universe is not that kind.
KC: Bledsoe. You know, like the common name.
ES: No fun.

KC: Wow, what a surprise, John Wall. What do you think of the hat wearing thing they do? And by hat thing, I mean, “wearing a cap of the team that drafts them.”
ES: It’s cute, and while I’d be a little skeptical of it on a sartorial level if anyone else were involved, for most of these guys it seems to actually improve the suit by canceling it out. John Wall, however, is a well dressed man, though his many stripes at different angles make me a bit dizzy. His eyes and earring, too. By the way, that took me a really long time to type, because I was captivated by the text zooming powerpointedly across the screen.

ES: Yeah, now we know why his suit actually looks good.

ES: I feel like I met Evan Turner at a Future Upstanding Citizens of America event. The glasses cinch it. Note: I would never be invited to such an event.
KC: Wait. Why were you there?
ES: OH MY GOD. Does he have laser-cone vision? Because they just showed that coming out of his eyes.
KC: Yes. It’s his superpower.
ES: He used up all that magic before he decided to button up over that long-ass tie.

ES: Who is this orange guy talking? Yeah, we get that you were drafted by the 76ers in about 12 BC.
KC: It’s Doug Colling, and um, yeah, he’s also the coach of that team.
ES: He’s still orange. Also: Evan Turner’s mom looking good! I like that bright color.
KC: But not when people have bright orange skin? Hypocrite.

KC: Guess no one traded for the spot. Nets keeping Favors. Interesting. I was really hoping they would make the trade to free Danny Granger from the Pacers, but alas, he languishes in basketball purgatory. Oh well.

KC: Thoughts on Wesley Johnson’s pants?
ES: Guess who wore pajamas to the draft?! I guess he thought they weren’t going to show up from the waist down? This isn’t school picture day.
KC: Right. It’s prom.

KC: Oh. John Wall Reebok ZigTech commercial. Pretty cool, but “Energy drink for your feet” is a terrible slogan. It makes me think of drinking something that tastes like feet. You know, like energy drinks. Also, I DO like the making an announcement noise they play before Stern speaks. Really great.
ES: It’s like someone’s cellphone is going off. Someone who’s texting, “What the hell is going on?” Also, they should fire whoever is adding the dynamic text to these highlight reels.
KC: Making you dizzy, drunkles?
ES: Making no sense! I thought we as a nation had moved on from wordart.

ES: Anchor to Cousins: “You look good rocking that purple, too.” STOP PEDDLING LIES. Also, “I’m just a kid having fun,” is a little weird coming from a giant.
KC: He is 19. As for the shirt, II think he was just buttering him up. He immediately called Cousins heavy after the compliment.
ES: There’s nothing quite as slimming as shiny lavender.

KC: We knew it was coming but this Ekpe Udoh pick to the Warriors really hurts Ed Davis’s chances of getting drafted early, unless Utah goes with him.
ES: Finally, someone drafts a three-piece suit. I approve. Also, I like when the other players in a draftee’s highlight reel are just terrible. Example: the pasty redhead dropping the ball in terror as Udoh approaches.

KC: No surprises at all so far. Pistons just drafted Monroe, Clippers probably a lock to draft Aminu. Utah is the first unknown. Fingers crossed for Ed Davis. He would get to be Millsapp’s Millsapp if you know what I mean.

ES: I really don’t. Also, I’m a bit surprised, surprised that everyone present appears to be capable of dressing themselves. I was led to expect something along the lines of this. Then again, that may have been wishful thinking on my part.
KC: It’s a down year for Draft Night fashion. No James Harden style bowties. On a similar note, a lack of quality beards. Sorry, Greg Monroe, just not good enough.

KC: Okay, Aminu. I take it back. Nice. Also, according to schedule.
ES: First hipster of the night. Where are the skinny dudes holding up ironic signs to celebrate?
KC: Do you not know? This is a really common NBA look. LeBron dresses that way. Same with Amar’e and many others. Not a hipster thing.
ES: I have, in fact, seen that. Also: cutest family of the draft?
KC: Let’s wait and see. Also, Aminu looks like Dwight Howard a lot. “Clark Kent” as a nickname?
ES: You can call him that if you like, but my nicknames don’t work like that. My nicknames are fueled by some combination of booze, hate, tenderness, and fear, and not much more than that.
KC: Somewhere, Baby Dragon smiled.
ES: Kellen, I really do love you, but if I could make Baby Dragon smile...
KC: I understand.

KC: Utah picks Gordon Hayward. This probably means Ed Davis slides a lot. Bet you Pacers pick Babbit. Incidentally, his nickname is “Other White Guy in the Draft.” You know Gordon Hayward has a twin sister? True fact.
ES: I bet you someone picks... someone. I am not going to bet you anything. I don’t know what’s going on.
ES: I beg forgiveness for all of my hateful comments about Gordon Hayward. His eighth grade picture is certifiably The Cutest. OK. Not as cute as Aminu’s little brother. Well. Maybe. It’s a draw.

KC: Wow. Paul George to the Pacers. Didn’t see that one coming. Especially since he seems really similar to Danny Granger. Maybe they will move Granger yet? I hope so. FREE DANNY!
ES: Nor did I see the chain-behind-the-tie thing coming, but I love it so much. Best-dressed in the draft?
KC: Wall and Aminu got my votes currently. Sorry.
ES: I guess they have mine too, but that chain was just brilliant. Maybe this is an example of how he has great potential but has to mature?

KC: Cole Aldrich to New Orleans. Interesting. Seems a bit early for him, but okay: Let’s go for the guy missing a tooth by choice. Ahhhh, there it is: it was part of a trade to the Thunder. The Thunder need a center like that. Nice.

ES: Inside the mind of Xavier Henry: “Do I need to button my jacket now that I’m going onstage? Maybe just one button? What did John Wall do?”
KC: I love the green tie and suit. He has a Danny Green smile. Also, best name of the draft.
ES: Both he and his mom are crying! New favorite.
KC: The Mom Factor is big for you, huh?

KC: YES! Ed got drafted! NO! He’s now on the Raptors.
ES: Dinosaurs are noble as shit, and so is UNC. A good match on that level. Also, he is handsome. More handsome than a raptor, probably, but most definitely more handsome than a ram or a dirty foot, and that discrepency never held him back at UNC.
KC: Huh. Well, he’ll likely start. I think everyone has accepted that Bosh ain’t coming back. And also, Ed’s dad had a goddamn sweet high top.
ES: Ed Davis’s suit isn’t as flashy, but he looks so goddamn cool.
KC: Oh! Ed Davis’s favorite player is Chris Bosh! That’s goddamn adorable.
ES: I really would have enjoyed it if he’d responded to that “What do you know about Toronto?” question with all sorts of hesitant answers about the city. “Um... it’s surprisingly cosmopolitan, they shoot a lot of TV shows there... and I think G20 is going on there now?” I guess I can accept that he actually had a response relevant to the context, but I can still dream of a better world.
KC: I would have liked it if he gave everyone an elaborate lesson in the history of Toronto, starting with it’s founding to the present day. Everyone would be so confused.

KC: “Patrick Patterson is an absolute man.” True or false? Whatever, the result, maybe the worst suit of the draft?
ES: It’s like drapes, but drapes I would burn and then blame on a ghost.
KC: Do ghosts often burn drapes? I was not aware of that legend.
ES: I won’t blame them when you’re around, then. When is this over?
KC: Only 44 more picks!
ES: Um...
KC: I’m excited too! Have another beer!

ES: What draftee doesn’t show up to the draft?!
KC: Lots of them. It’s more embarrassing if you show up and they don’t draft you. Cf. Prom.
ES: When they start choosing people who expected to be embarrassed by not being chosen, I feel like that’s my cue to start packing up.
KC: I can just see you calculating how many episodes of LOST you could be watching instead.

KC: Oh, nice. Bulls draft Kevin Seraphin! This is a nice, savvy choice. I thought the Spurs or Thunder would steal him. Wait. I’m an idiot. This is actually the Wizards pick. Huh.
ES: And so stylishly dressed, too!
KC: Thunder should take Hassan Whiteside and team him with Serge Ibaka. Every shot that can be blocked shall be blocked.
ES: I don’t know who any of these people are, but their names are good enough to carry entire teams of dudes with dull names.
KC: Not a lot of foreign players in this years draft. Kind of odd. It feels like it’s been 80% American power forwards. Has a second point guard been taken yet?

KC: ...and Eric Bledsoe taken on cue.
KC: Yes. Bloodsoap. Apparently there are a lot of trades going on right now. Thunder make the pick, which I thought was already being shipped to New Orleans, but apparently Bloodsoap is actually ending up on the Clippers. Huh.
ES: Would I know about this stuff if I were actually listening to the parts with dumpy old men instead of tall and bright young ones?
KC: Actually, no. ESPN is a little slow tonight. Twitter got all the deets before Stuart Scott knows anything. I apologize for saying “deets.”
ES: When you’re twiddling and tweeting, it’s “context.” When I am, it’s apparently “distraction.” What a double standard.
KC: Sorry, I can’t help it that I am a CHAMPION LEAGUE INTERNETTER. Want to see some Twitter-sourced magic? The Spurs will picks James Anderson.
ES: I don’t believe in magic.

KC: Spurs pick James Anderson. MAGIC IS REAL. The verdict is still out on whether the Orlando Magic is real though.
ES: The Orlando Magic has been dead to me ever since you pointed out the probably-really-obvious connection between Orlando Magic and Orlando Disney. I hope someone will tell them I said that, because we’re not talking anymore.
KC: I would if I could prove they existed.

KC: Elizabeth, why don’t you share your strong feelings about Craig Brackins?
ES: He is certainly... a person.
KC: Love in the Time of LeBron: Analysis you can’t get anywhere else.

ES: Biggest disappointment of the night: No one is terrifying. When does that change from dopey to devilish happen, exactly? Terrifying bald giant of Cleveland, if you are reading this, could you let me know about that? Also, Steve Nash, you get back to me, too.
KC: Steve Nash is just a nice guy, Elizabeth. He just hosted a charity soccer game! In any case, to address your question: People expect Brian Zoubek and John Scheyer to be drafted in the second round.
ES: Terrifying and gross are different things, Kellen. And I can’t help that I am flooded with a pure and primal fear when I gaze upon Steve Nash’s weathered visage. If he is such a nice guy, I know he understands, or at least forgives me. Right, Steve?
Steve Nash: I never forgive, Elizabeth.
KC: If you choose to underestimate Steve Nash’s hacking skills, that’s on you. I have nothing but respect for you, Mr. Nash.

KC: Disappointed Hawks fans are the best part of the night. Also, Damion James finally brings a quality beard to this oddly clean-shaven draft.
ES: Now that a quality beard has shown up, I think I can leave you without guilt. Embarrassingly, this is when I have to go to bed. I suppose I can expect nightmares now that we’re talking about Steve Nash. Great timing there.
KC: You could wait to have nightmares about Artsiom Parakhouski. I am told that is a player likely to be drafted. Surely terrifying though. Well thanks for helping me with this crucial and important coverage. The basketball bloggoverse surely thanks you! Goodnight!
Steve Nash: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
ES: Goddamnit.

KC: Just me from here on out. Also, I take it back: Best part of night is Grizzlies fan mouthing, “I don’t know who he is,” when they announce the Dominique Jones pick.

I can’t decide if Xavier Henry or Quincy Poindexter is a better name. Great draft for people who sound like their names are fake. Looking at you, Kevin Seraphin.

I didn’t realize that someone had brought a vuvuzela. I welcome their coming ubiquity. With that said, I expect my draft notes to slow down drastically at this point. Still lots of intriguing players available, and I’ve got to hope someone gives Deon a chance. If someone gives Marcus a chance, that would be icing.

Magnum Rolle makes a late bid for the best name in the draft. In a bitter turn of events, neither Marcus nor even Deon was drafted. In a sweet turn of events, neither Zoubek or Scheyer were drafted either. We'll call the whole affair bittersweet and eagerly await the free-agency apocalypse and the end of days. Also, serious propers to Jose3030 on Twitter for all the screen captures. Don't follow the NBA without following him.


  1. Steve Nash has better things to do besides hack. He's a DAD. He's in the NBA.

    I think my point has been proven, Kellen.

  2. He made this:

    And this:

    I think he has plenty of spare time.

  3. very good. one of the best features of LitToL [Littol sounds like it should be a decongestant or something].

    that being said, i can tell that Elizabeth has actually been watching basketball or at least occasionally listening to kellen talk about it.

    good job, guys.