A Dream About Tyler Hansbrough, Troy Murphy, and Venereal Disease

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm a little bummed about Carolina's losing skid and I owe you some thinking about What Carolina Can Do To Turn It Around. Is the loss to Wake Forest a refutation of the UNC Should Shoot More Threes Doctrine? Or is it a simple confirmation of the Will Graves Theory? A little of both? I need time to sulk and think about it, but I'll get back to you.

In the meantime, I'd like to return to an old favorite feature of mine: Dreams. In between the wide array of dreams from girls imagining being Tyler Hansbrough's girlfriend, Special Dream Correspondent Thomas weighed in with an account of Dwyane Wade's human sacrifice habit and playing in a band with Tyler Hansbrough. Well, Thomas is back with a dream he had last fall about the Pacer's frontcourt. Yes, really, and no, there isn't anything about Roy Hibbert, you weirdos. Here it is:

So, I met Tyler Hansbrough at an event, mentioning that I went to UNC and that Troy Murphy was my favorite player. Tyler gives me Troy's phone number, so I call him up, on speaker phone with Tyler listening, and ask him why he's been out for the past nine games with a back injury. Troy tells me that the back injury is a cover, that he really has an advanced case of syphilis from sleeping with so many beautiful women. He can't play basketball because his wang hurts so bad. So I hang up, and Tyler looked at me and says "Gross, huh?" Then we part ways.

Disgusting, Thomas: Troy Murphy should be no one's favorite player. Believe it or not, this same man has written a very nice guest post that will be up shortly about John Milton and Lebron James. I'm not making this up. Want to get in on the dream-sharing? Have a nice guest-post about Chaucer and Kobe? Send me an email: loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

Tuesday Odds and Ends: Now What? Edition

I think this pretty much will reveal that I'm doing too much reading and not enough writing. In today's gripping installment of Odds and Ends we bring you the following topics: Network theory, dishes made from Krispy Kreme, domain name hustling, Legos and then you know some stuff actually about basketball and Love in the Time of Lebron heroes.

Chris Paul's Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding
Chris Paul is the best point guard on the planet right now. This is indisputable. When all is said and done, he may go down as the best point guard to ever play. His favorite dish contains 24 Krispy Kreme donuts and 15,000 calories. The recipe and story are here. Suck it, Michael Phelps.

Mark Madsen Used to Own menstrualperiods.ca
In the "No, Really" department, former Timberwolf and current Clipper Mark Madsen is a key player in the first arrest for domain name theft. Basically, Mark Madsen paid about $100,000 to buy P2P.com, which allegedly had been stolen from some other guy. Why is Mark Madsen buying domain names? Because this is what he does. He buys and sells domain names. Seriously, this is his hobby. Highlights: schooners.ca and, yes, menstrualperiods.ca.

How Network Theory Explains the Ewing Theory
There is sports writer you may know about. His name is Bill Simmons. He has an idea, called the Ewing Theory. Basically, the Ewing Theory says that under certain circumstances a team will play much better without their star player. Why does this happen? Really interesting article that manages to incorporate network theory, the price of anarchy, the Nash Equilibrium, and shit-talking about my beloved Allen Iverson. Read it here. Fact of the Day: Nash Equilibrium not named after Steve Nash's work in the field of game theory.

Followups
Starbury is put into context be new favorite John Krolik here. It's the long-form contextual article that I wanted all along. Also, Shoals.

Haven't read enough about the Okafor for Chandler trade yet? Good. Here are some attempts to justify the trade for Charlotte: Basketball Prospectus says, "Look at the numbers: I think Charlotte actually won this one." Bobcats Planet says, "If you spin around three times and squint you can sort of see why this trade makes sense!"

Soooo, can the Bobcats sign AI now? Bobcats Baseline throws out some hypotheticals here, but doesn't really give enough credence to a Felton and Iverson backcourt. Barkley's Mouth is incredulous that AI doesn't have a deal yet.

Dream boy, Tyler Hansbrough aggravated an old injury. He will now have more time to visit all the women of Chapel Hill's dreams so they can dream about feeling awkward and ambivalent about dating such a bizarre angry manchild.

Nerdy starter Marvin Williams re-signed with the Hawks after an awkward free-agency period. His deal includes all the season of the X-Files on DVD as well as the entire series run of The Lone Gunmen.

BONUS: Here are 100 awesome dunks from last season. This is the only link you will click.

DOUBLE BONUS: Here is a blog filled with pictures of Lego-based Allen Iverson dioramas. This is only link you need to click.

Tyler Hansbrough is Some Cosmic Archetype

Tyler Hansbrough continues to haunt all of our dreams. If you have had a dream about Tyler Hansbrough or any other basketball player, I'd like to hear about them. Email your stories about how you fell in love with a short-armed power-forward-playing manchild to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

Special Dream Correspondent Lorelle checks in with the following VISION OF LOVE:

It was a dark and stormy night. Or maybe it was balmy but otherwise pleasant. Anyway, so I'm in Best Buy (first sign that this is not real life) about to check out when I see that Tyler Hansborough is in line in front of me. We strike up a conversation and out of nowhere he takes me on his arm and we perambulate about the store. I spy Eminem flipping through his own stuff in the CD section (tacky) and persuade Tyler to stand next to him for comparison.* Em has no idea what he's doing and we giggle conspiratorily at his expense. Tyler asks if I'd like to go out with him sometime and I agree. The next day he calls and invites me to come hang out with him and the team. When I get there, the team that he is referring to is a bunch of 4th graders he coaches and has taken to the Walmart McDonalds for a post-game celebration. I'm a little pissed because like, srsly Tyler, this is it? But he doesn't seem to notice my disappointment and enthusiastically waves for me to join him at a booth next to the Playspace.** All the little boys are like "ooooooh Tyler has a girlfrieeeeeeeeend" and he blushes and introduces me to the kids, "Hey guys, this is my Lorelle I've been telling you about." It was all very sweet, if simple. JUST LIKE TYLER.

*This is a direct result of my friend accusing me of thinking all white people look alike for comparing the two.
**Inaccurate because I don't think they put playspaces in Walmart Micky-D's.

If there existed a YouTube video of Tyler Hansbrough highlights set to a mash-up of Eminem rapping over "Dreams" by the Cranberries, you can rest assured that I would put it right here. If you find such a thing, send me the link or your dreams to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com

Introducing Tyler to Mom

I'm still collecting dreams about basketball players. Send your dreams to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com and we can all be collectively weirded out over your penchant for frosting and Vince Carter. In any case, it's time to share some facts and dreams:

FACT: Dreaming about dating Tyler Hansbrough is really common. Even if you don't follow basketball. Even if you think he is stupid.

Here is a dream about dating Tyler Hansbrough from Special Dream Correspondent Juli:

I have a somewhat recurring dream that Tyler Hansbrough is my college boyfriend. It bears mentioning that I go to the University of North Carolina and have for the past few years, but I don't follow basketball. He is just a giant wandering around the town. A bizarre local attraction who I spot occasionally: more yeti than person. Always blurry, always peripheral, he lumbers into Carrburitos on Cinco de Mayo and buries his melancholy with chilli cheese fries at Joe's Joint late at night while the tourists gawk and take pictures.

In any case, I've had this dream three or four times: In these dreams, he's my boyfriend. He's dumb, but really sweet, which is pretty much how I imagine he actually is. He's also shy and awkward, but I find that goofy and charming. Whenever I bring him home to meet my parents, they are always understandably thrilled. My mother always takes me aside and nudges me, saying "We're so glad you finally brought home a nice young man." My mom doesn't even talk like that. She does really like Tyler Hansbrough and is always excited when I mention seeing him around town. I guess he somehow represents everything my mom would want in a boyfriend of mine. Actually, not so much in a boyfriend of mine, but in the daughter she wished she had.

So there's that.

Anyway, he inevitably breaks up with me when I ask him to go to the Nightlight. I guess it's just not his Scene. And whenever he breaks the news to me, he's always wearing Carolina blue seersucker: the embodiment of pretty much everything I hate. I think I am upset afterwards, but by the time I wake up, I'm sort of relieved. I don't think I could deal with the pressure of being Psycho-T's girlfriend.

Usually, I have it before I have to bring home some guy to meet my mom. I guess these dreams will (sadly) have to stop now that he is a college graduate.

Send your dreams about Tyler Hansbrough or other basketball players to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com

Thursday Odds and Ends

Hypothetical Bobcats and Bobcat Hypotheticals
It's been a quiet season for the Charlotte Bobcats as they have yet to make any move aside from not extending a qualifying offer to Sean May. Charlotte needs scoring, a guy who can take over games, and someone who will help them sell tickets. Yet, all has grown quiet on the AI front, when all I want in my heart of hearts is for The Answer to come to Charlotte. Why is this? Is Charlotte really standing pat? The best answer I have seems to be that Charlotte isn't going to make any moves until they have secured a deal with Ray Felton. Inexplicably, this is, apparently far off, despite Felton wanting to play in Charlotte and Charlotte wanting Felton to play there. FIGURE OUT THE MONEY SO WE CAN GET AI.

That said, maybe Charlotte, like our esteemed friends at Queen City Hoops, has realized what a good team they have on their hands. If you project Charlotte's performance at the end of the season, after all their trades, across the whole season, Charlotte would have been the best defensive team in the league. Nice. They still would be sub par offensively, but there's still time to get a relentlessly amazing future Hall of Fame scoring guard. I mean, if that's what you think would help.

Note: Hypothetical Cats sounds like a super twee indie rock band.

The Answer
Iverson to Miami or Memphis doesn't make any sense to me. Both are totally stupid. Now imagine AI to the Clippers: Baron Davis, Allen Iverson, Blake Griffin, Marcus Camby, Chris Kaman, and Eric Gordon. That's got to be at least thirty wins right? Wrong. They will have fifteen wins or fifty-five. It's so stupid it might work.

Again, Iverson to the Bobcats makes way too much sense to be plausible. The NBA follows the rules of comic book and movie logic. Which is to say that there is a low premium on plausibility and you know, making a damn bit of sense.

Good Job, Chris Bosh
All hail the anointed Twitter Champion, Chris Bosh. Oddly, he doesn't thank me for my endorsement, which I am sure pushed him over the top.

UNC Guys in Summer League
One line summaries for the four 2009 Draft picks:

Tyler Hansbrough was way better than expected and one of the best players in Orlando.

Wayne Ellington and Danny Green have been the leading scorers on their team in at least one game and almost completely disappeared in another.

Ty Lawson has played in two games and made only one of fifteen field goal attempts, but the one that went in was such a sweet dunk that David Thorpe tweeted about it. So, yeah.

Of course, if Vegas Summer League action isn't enough and you want to watch a bizarro summer league where Flip Saunders, Sean May, and my nerdy hero Marvin Williams with the help of about half of UNC's incoming freshmen team square off against other pro's, college players, and a few high schoolers and other assorted weirdos, then allow me to introduce you to the NC Pro-Am Summer League. Billing itself as the Rucker's of the South, you can watch a truly bizarre collection of players from mostly around North Carolina go at it in a gym on the North Carolina Central campus. Seriously.

Mercuriality Update
For the many amongst you who are keeping track of which players are the most mercurial, as I know so many of you are wont to do, allow me to submit another name that should have been obvious: J.R. Smith. Mercuriality of 384. Well-done. That's good for a starting spot at shooting guard on the Love In the Time of Lebron All-Mercurial Team. Again, for those of you who keep track of such things.

Dreaming About Tyler Hansbrough

I'd mentioned in the past that I am interested in collecting your basketball player dreams. This is still true. The current winner of the Bizarrely Occupying All of Our Dreams Award is Tyler Hansbrough who's featured in an alarming number of accounts of dreams that I've collected. This is apparently not uncommon.

Anyway, I hope to hear more accounts of dreams about Tyler Hansbrough or any other basketball player. You should send your dreams to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

Special Dream Correspondent Elizabeth dates Tyler in hers:

In my dream, Tyler Hansbrough and I met-cute somewhere on campus and got to talking, and I realized that he was actually reserved and quite intelligent, and tired of people only liking him because of basketball. He found it refreshing that I didn't really know anything about basketball. We started dating and the rest of the dream was just us going about our campus lives together-- eating at the dining hall, browsing the new releases at the bookstore, walking to class. Lots of other girls were incredulous that we were dating, and by the end of the dream I was considering breaking up with him, just because it was stressful to have everyone look at me all the time and make judgments.

Again, please, please send your dreams about Tyler Hansbrough or other basketball players to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com

Dreams: Human Sacrifice, Alien Bloodsport, and Tyler Hansbrough on the Keys

The first entry in this space began with me recalling a dream in which Wayne Ellington sacrificed me Aztec-style on top of a pyramid. This was weird. However, I'm not the only one who has bizarre dreams about basketball players. Special Dreams Correspondent Thomas sends along three dreams about basketball that are recounted below. If you have a dream featuring professional or collegiate basketball players, I strongly urge you to send a description and, when possible, a potential interpretation of your ballin' related dream. You can send these dreams, along with any other questions, comments, or silliness to loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.

Here is a dream about Dwayne Wade at a church picnic:

The dream begins with me at a church picnic. This isn't odd; I volunteer with a church that throws lunches and stuff all the time. Then Dwyane Wade shows up in his jersey and band-aid. I go over and talk to him about his season and ask him what his secret is. He says "I must sacrifice a virgin before every game." Then he grabs this little girl and runs away with her shrieking over his shoulder. I try to run after him, but come on, he's D-Wade, and he gets away.

Here is a dream about Tyler Hansbrough:

Tyler Hansbrough is a recurrent figure in my dreams. The only one I remember right now is one where my friend Brandon, Tyler, and myself all start a band. I'm on drums, Tyler's on keys, and Brandon's on bass. I interpret this as my attempt at ordering my id, ego, and superego through projection and sublimation. I've always wanted to start a band, and maybe I projected myself onto Tyler. I honestly think it's because we have the same initials and are highly driven white dudes.

Here is a dream about basketball as alien bloodsport ala Space Jam:

The human race had been taken over by aliens, and they had organized us on these long hanging clasps that attached to a conveyor belt, kind of like the doors in "Monsters, Inc." Each human had a number, and when the aliens wanted us they pressed our number and we zoomed around to the take-off point. They had this sport kind of like the Aztec sport, Tlatchtli, in that the losers were sacrificed to the gods, but it was basketball. Anyway, I became the bloodsport alien basketball superstar and got to roam around off my coathangar. I found the breeding pits where the aliens kept women, and I found my friend there and tried to rescue her, but she refused to abandon her alien baby.

Please, please: If you have dreams like this about basketball, email me at loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com

Tuesday Odds and Ends

The Peculiar Twittering of A.D. Vassallo
When I was creeping around Twitter, I came across some bizarre messages from A.D. Vassallo, former Virginia Tech stand-out and NBA non-draftee. His Twitter was covered in what I think were a little over a hundred different Tweets to various NBA players, siblings of various NBA players, coaches, and owners asking for help since he went undrafted. He was desperately trying to get in touch with anyone who could help him figure out what to do and was shamelessly begging for advice from anyone with any connection to the NBA. He also talked a lot of trash about how he could take Tyler Hansbrough or anyone else from the ACC. It was the most amazingly candid and desperate thing I've seen in sometime. That was yesterday. I check back today and there were only five total Tweets on his page. The one on top announces that he's playing summer league for the Bulls. All the other Tweets appear to have been deleted. Weird. Anyway, for all you A.D. Vassallo fans, here is the new desperation-free Twitter page

Speaking of Which...
Tyler Hansbrough debuted in the NBA or at least in summer league with a pretty decent first game yesterday. Today's game was even better, apparently.Long story short on the Hansbrough front: he's doing the things that made him successful in college plus shooting the three and for some reason people seem surprised. You can keep up with the Orlando summer league here and even stream the games live to show what a stupidly hardcore NBA fan you are.

TRUTH: This blog was almost named "The Sorrows of Young Hansbrough."

Department of Nicknames
Here is a completely awesome list of Chinese nicknames for NBA players compiled on the official NBA page back in 2007. This deserves greater comment, but for now, let's let the thing speak for itself. Also, here is a pretty great list of nicknames for each and every player selected in the 2009 draft. Actually, it bears mentioning that this is a pretty great and hilarious blog. Here is some of the Blowtorch's coverage of Tyler Hansbrough.

Things FreeDarko Addressed Better Than Me
Recently I have tried to address a number of topics and, generally speaking, I think I had something new to add to the conversation, even if I was taking the discussion into a different, and, admittedly stupider direction. What's worse is when freedarko keeps fucking doing you one better, including kicking your ass from the archives. That's the worst. So, without further adieu, I display my inferiority complex and point you to some fine-n-trenchant writing from FD on topics that I've recently written about.

On Rasheed (cf. Durrr, Why Everyone Call Sheed Mercurial?)

On Ron Artest (cf. No Seriously, What's With This Mercurial Thing?)

On Kobe's Sociopathy (cf. The Internet Thinks Kobe Could Kill You and Feel Nothing)

That said, I don't think the things I said are wrong, just more tangential and less interesting than what them FD boys bring to the table.