2010 Season Preview: Chicago Bulls

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the angry bovines in the proverbial china shop: the Chicago Bulls.

Classification
Dark Horse Contenders

Why We Care
This could be one of the very best teams in basketball next year, and somehow, no one is talking about it. Some would argue that these young guns are more Hawks than Thunder, but they are really more mushrooms than onions, if you know what I mean. No? Okay, well that's fine too. The Bulls are going to be very good and they will matter and that's that.

Significant Beards
Keith Bogans: Minimal goatee. Frank Stella approved.
Carlos Boozer: Tightly trimmed, near full. A+.
Joakim Noah: Notoriously patchy semi-full. Nickname-worthy.
Derrick Rose: Small mustache, divided goatee. Slight fright.
Brian Scalabrine: Ginger goatee. WHY?
Kurt Thomas: Goatee. Prehistoric, 3/5 trilobites.

Guiding Text
The Epic of Gilgamesh

If They Were A Vegetable They Would Be...
Summer squash.

LeBron on the Bulls
LeBron looked at the statue for a long time. Derrick walked by and stopped. LeBron crossed his arms. Derrick was about to speak, but LeBron shot a look at him. They stared at the statue in silence. It wasn’t long before the others started coming. Luol and Kyle came in, talking quietly, but they stopped and took up the study. Joakim called out to them, but no one answered. He walked past, indignant. He soon came back, Taj and some of the others following. He was about to speak, but Derrick put a hand on his arm. Tom watched the huddle of players from the distance. He gave them five minutes, waiting for their attention to shift, but no one moved. He hesitated.

“What shall we do LeBron?”

“You shall not make for yourself a graven image.”

“I’m sorry. Or else, what?”

“I will destroy your high places and cut down your incense altars; I will heap your carcasses on the carcasses of your idols. I shall abhor you.”

They were silent. Tom looked at the expressions of the men before him. Derrick nodded.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

What's Up With Dirk?

I will try to keep this short and on-point because at its core, these are ill-founded, conspiratorial musings that seem to mostly spring from my hope of a Team of Destiny, where LeBron and Dirk come to Chicago to team up with Rose and Noah. This is a thing that won’t happen. That said, let’s talk about the weirdness that’s making it seem more and more possible.

The first bit of weirdness: Dirk opted out. For months and months, people were expecting Dirk and Yao to stay with their teams and not really participate in the Summer of Apocalypse Bonanza. Dirk confounded those expectations. And us.

Dirk is the best player in the history of Mavericks franchise, seems to get along great with everyone, is compensated as well as anyone can be compensated in the NBA, and is generally happy. That being said, he has yet to win a championship and that apparently eats at him. This is the reason he’d potentially want to leave.

But would he really? The Mavericks have insisted Dirk is staying and that they are confident he’ll sign a big extension and all will be right in Dallas. What does Dirk say? Well, nothing so far, but his actions have been weirdly ambivalent.

First, obviously, opting out instead of just signing the max money extension which the Mavs surely offered. The Mavs deal can’t get any sweeter. No presenting or quibbling to be done. I mean, the Mavs can reassure Dirk they will make better moves, but what else is to be done? In an effort to kiss the ring, Mav’s president Donnie Nelson was going to fly to Germany to “kiss the ring” and effectively do what no other president in the NBA is likely to do. Surely that would seal the deal right?

At the airport, Nelson received word that Dirk was actually flying back to the States. Which could mean that Dirk wants to take part in other meetings with other teams. If the Mavs were coming to him, why else would he come back to the States? Well, maybe he’s just tired of Germany, but ignore that for now, we are in conspiracy mode. DIRK IS IN PLAY.

Don’t believe me? Here’s another silly bit of conspiracy fodder: Dirk said he’ll be in Dallas Friday morning. What’s that mean? John Hollinger was a little puzzled because Europe flights come in during the evening. So where is Dirk going to be tonight? Jason Kidd said he was having dinner with Dirk in New York tonight. So, who here thanks that Dirk is in New York tonight to just enjoy the dining? NOT THE KNICKS OR THE NETS.

Listen, Wade is staying in Miami, and Bosh largely seems on-board with that while LeBron seems skeptical. Chad Ford seems skeptical too, while noting that a Dirk and LeBron pairing on the Bulls would give them the inside track. I agree, and I think that the Nets and the Knicks are on the outside looking in regardless. That said, if Dirk agreed to play with the Knicks or the Nets, that would be a significant game-changer. If Dirk signs anywhere other than Dallas, and LeBron can sign too, I think that team becomes the favorite to land LeBron.

LeBron is the key to where everyone else lands in free-agency, widely regarded as the first domino that will touch off massive movement around the league. The trick here is that no signing affects where LeBron will sign more than Dirk’s decision. Dirk’s sudden ambivalence towards Dallas could touch off sudden and wild shifts. This is the story that’s most interesting to me, but it should be noted that this is a story based on the quirks of air travel, the relative interestingness of Germany vs. Dallas, and Dirk acting slightly weird. The slightest Twitter musings, the pressure-cooker of the NBA rumor mill and a little conspiratorial salt can make for a tasty dish and a potentially juicy scenario: Lebron and Dirk to the Bulls/Knicks/Nets.

Or, Dirk might just sign with the Mavericks like we all thought he would. Whatever. Let's enjoy the conspiracies while they last.

My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball

The playoffs are long and I am, on occasion, busy. But don't despair: We got you covered. I'd like to unveil a new feature of this blog: My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball. My very sweet girlfriend offered to cover the games tonight for me while I did a radio show. Elizabeth is really smart and funny, but she has not watched more than a few incidental seconds of an NBA game before. This will be fun.

9:30 GUYS. It's a basketball game. Chicago-Cleveland game number... one? It's their first match-up, right? The playoffs just only started, so this seems like it's probably a safe assumption to make [Ed. note: Nope.]. I am excited enough about this, because the Bulls are a team I have heard of. In fact, I have not only heard of them, but I have heard of them for years. Thanks, Michael Jordan, for being so famous that even the sports-phobic child of parents who have probably never watched an entire non-college game of any sport in their long lives knew about you and your team as a child. I won't pretend that this isn't like 97% due to Space Jam.

I'm starting my report a little late, because I was off enjoying some box wine and got distracted, BUT it looks like I came into the Chicago-Cleveland game just in time. It's the third... quarter? (Third? I thought this was only in halves? Though I am aware that something can contain both halves and quarters) and my new favorite player from the Bulls (read: the only one I've noticed yet), just put the ball in the hoop at a short distance and made it so the Bulls were not losing anymore. They said his name but I was so caught up in the moment that I did not hear it, so I think I'm going to call him Patches, in honor of the fact that he is less talented at growing facial hair than he is at basketball stuff (I'm not judging, because I'm equally unskilled at both). So, way to go, Patches. He's wearing the number 13, so I suppose I could find out his name, but my absolute ignorance of what's going on is what makes this game so mysterious and exciting to me [Ed. note: It's Joachim Noah. He gets that oil.].

9:35 OK, bad news for Patches: Cleveland scored while I was lost in his dull, lifeless eyes, and I think he just got shoved by... Shaq? I wasn't aware Shaq was still playing. Isn't he like a million years old? Also, more important things have come up: I am pretty sure someone from the Addams family grew up to join Cleveland, because they just played the theme song. Maybe the guy with the luscious hair? In other "musical" news: someone, somewhere keeps starting the "We Will Rock You" clap, but no one you can see on TV is even moving. Who is even doing that? Y'ALL: no one can see you doing that. You can cancel the "wave", too, if that was in order.

9:42 Also: Lebron is on one of these teams? This raises the number of players I've heard of to two. I feel torn now, because I think I like him and I think he's also with the Cavaliers, who I was less excited about just because I only have recently become aware of their existence. The only thing going for the Bulls right now is Patches, and it appears that Cleveland has its own Patches. Number 17? [Ed. note: Anderson Varejao] I need a close up to see if he'll suffice as my Cleveland Patches should I decide to cheer for them.

9:51 The score is still close, 77-76, Chicago. I just noticed that Cleveland has a terrifying bald giant who can't even put the ball in the hoop even though he pretty much has to bend over at the waist to touch the hoop [Ed. note: Zydrunas Ilgauskas]. Too low for you, buddy? He's doing some free throws and I just realized: he doesn't have any armpit hair. It's official: he will haunt my nightmares forever.

9:56 OK, it is quarters, and we're entering the fourth. 77-77! A tie! This could go either way, and I do mean either way, since I have no idea what is going on. As far as I can tell, they are pretty evenly matched, if not in ability, in their love for slowly scoring points one by one then letting the other team score a few before resuming their own scoring.

9:58 What is up with this music? I can't tell whether this is something only for TV or if it's also playing in the arena or what. It's really clear and tinny and seemingly disconnected from everything else going on in the arena. Like, did Shaq just hear that "Mario growing bigger" noise that sounded when someone made a free throw, or was that just to let people like me know that, yes, the score is growing bigger? I like to imagine that this isn't planned at all, but that one of the commentators got a new cellphone and is just hanging out behind that table trying out all of the ringtones while his colleagues are doing their jobs. "Listen, guys, 'La Cucharacha!'"

10:04 I think I like Cleveland more and more, and not just because they are winning. One of their players has been making pretty much every jump a freak-show jumping jack. Everyone else on the court: tense posture, eyes on the ball. This guy: loose as hell and doing aerial toe-touches. [Ed. note: I have no clue who this is.]

10:08 The commentators just said that they're seeing fantastic defense at both ends, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Patches straight up miss two shots in a row. Unless Cleveland's defense involves some sort of dark magic that shifts the hoop imperceptibly when people are trying to get the ball in it [Ed. note: Incidentally, that actually is my theory], I don't know if that was the best-timed compliment. I get that the other guys on the team are doing stuff I don't even understand, like blocking his view or keeping him from getting in a good place or just scaring him or something, but as far as I could tell, everyone was just kind of standing back and watching, like, "There goes old Patches, doing whatever it is he does." [Ed. note: I don't know how much clearer I can be: Joachim Noah gets that oil.]

10:14 Two free throws for Patches. It's too late for me and him, though I will admit that his look-alike playing for Cleveland is no match. Actually, it's not even Patches this guy reminds me of by this point: I think I just found out what happened to Justin Guarini after From Justin to Kelly.

10:24 Ten point difference. Now the people in view of the camera are moving... all waving their handkerchiefs, or something suspiciously handkerchief-like. What is this? Are basketball fans the last people to resist Kleenex? Like, to resist it for so many years? I realize I should start talking about what's going on, but I am just so confused by every single thing that's happening that I can't really focus on the important confusing things. [Ed. note: God, how drunk were you?]

10:32 Confession: prior to watching this game, I drank about four or five glasses of wine [Ed. note: Oh.]. Over the course of this game, I surrounded myself and my writing station with more and more pillows. Over the course of the last few minutes of the game, I (kinda accidentally) laid down and (also accidentally) closed my eyes and fell asleep for a few minutes and started to dream I was locked in a terrifying cellar made of dirt and roots guarded by Patches and that terrifying bald giant. Good news: I wasn't, and my first sight upon waking was the reassuring sight of Lebron James being interviewed. That felt good and he was wearing a nice towel on his neck. Bad news: I missed the end of the game. But apparently no one scored, so that's OK, right? Right?

That's it. Shaq? Didn't do as much as I would expect from one of the four or five basketball players whose name I knew before about six months ago, but then again, the man's kind of old. And Lebron scored 40 points, but I think I might have been boozin' and typing every time he had the ball. Oops. He looks good with a towel on his neck, though.

Oh man, I am terrible at this.

Right now the Denver-Utah game is on and I can't even watch. Denver and Utah: I'll give y'all another chance later, even though you have the dumbest names ever, and for some reason, the arena where you are playing has a giant sign that says, "AMAZING IS BELIEF." (I'm not sure what that means. I'm really not sure if that's even English.) For tonight, though, I'm done. If Kellen's predictions are to be believed, that means one game down, one and a half to go before I give up on the playoffs forever. We'll see if that's true, and more importantly, we'll see how much longer I can blog about basketball before Kellen becomes totally disillusioned and dumps me. Goodnight, everyone. Basketball is magic.

Wonderful. Did you guys like that? I liked that. This should be a regular feature, right? I think so. Post your encouragement in the comments.