2010 Season Preview: Indiana Pacers

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the Indiana Irrelevants!

Classification
A Team Filled With Intriguing Players That Just Doesn't Matter

Why We Care
The Pacers used to matter. Reggie Miller was a scintillating performer and the early 2000's Pacers were responsible for the "Malice in the Palace" and included Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and Jermaine O'Neal. Now? The Pacers don't matter but they sure have some players of interest. Everyone knows Darren Collison as a star-in-the-making and Danny Granger is one of my favorite personalities in the league (nice-guy-Channing-Frye category), as well as being a long-limbed dead-eye. The Pacers also employ the talents of Love in the Time of LeBron sentimental favorite, Tyler Hansbrough and the intriguing potential of Roy Hibbert. This isn't a good team, but they have some players I love to watch and play at barn-burning pace. They are the huffing glue of NBA basketball: a cheap, fast thrill that's ultimately damaging and empty. But, you know, sometimes you channel your inner Ramone and want to sniff some glue. So that's why we have the Pacers.

Significant Beards
Darren Collision: Glued a black pom-pom to his chin. Crafty.
T.J. Ford: The folds of his face cast hair shadows.
Danny Granger: Chin bracket. Contains multitudes.
Roy Hibbert: Unclear where chin ends and beard begins. Should confuse opponents.
Solomon Jones: Soul patch the size of his eyes. Triclops.
Josh McRoberts: Lazy. Half-mast.
James Posey: Unremarkable goatee. Needs more poof.
A.J. Price: Like a reverse goatee. The center of his chin refused to participate.


Guiding Text
The Pilgrim’s Progress

If They Were A Manned Space Program They Would Be...
Gemini

LeBron on the Pacers
He moved the device slowly over the bookshelf, waiting for a beep or a disturbance. It was more than likely in this room. It was quiet in the room. There was... nothing... no wait. A ticking. There was a definite ticking, from nearby. He pulled a small pile of books off their shelves before he noticed he was still wearing his watch. Of course. He put it on an endtable on the other side of the room and turned the device back on. LeBron sort of vaguely waved the device over his possessions, slowly moved it over the wall. The device had a digital display, parts of it displaying something that looked like a line graph and another part that looked almost like static. LeBron didn’t really know what either part meant. The manual was... somewhere. He looked at the piles of books covering the floor. He stopped. He could still hear the ticking.

LeBron got up and moved the watch to the next room. He went back in and listened. He thought he could still hear it. He went back, picked up the watch and went into the kitchen. He looked around for a second. He opened the refrigerator and then closed it. He noticed that he often did this, as if opening the refrigerator triggered a temporary wipe of his brain that made him forget anything he was doing. He opened the refrigerator and put the watch inside. He went back to the study and resumed scanning for listening devices.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

A Dream About Tyler Hansbrough, Troy Murphy, and Venereal Disease

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm a little bummed about Carolina's losing skid and I owe you some thinking about What Carolina Can Do To Turn It Around. Is the loss to Wake Forest a refutation of the UNC Should Shoot More Threes Doctrine? Or is it a simple confirmation of the Will Graves Theory? A little of both? I need time to sulk and think about it, but I'll get back to you.

In the meantime, I'd like to return to an old favorite feature of mine: Dreams. In between the wide array of dreams from girls imagining being Tyler Hansbrough's girlfriend, Special Dream Correspondent Thomas weighed in with an account of Dwyane Wade's human sacrifice habit and playing in a band with Tyler Hansbrough. Well, Thomas is back with a dream he had last fall about the Pacer's frontcourt. Yes, really, and no, there isn't anything about Roy Hibbert, you weirdos. Here it is:

So, I met Tyler Hansbrough at an event, mentioning that I went to UNC and that Troy Murphy was my favorite player. Tyler gives me Troy's phone number, so I call him up, on speaker phone with Tyler listening, and ask him why he's been out for the past nine games with a back injury. Troy tells me that the back injury is a cover, that he really has an advanced case of syphilis from sleeping with so many beautiful women. He can't play basketball because his wang hurts so bad. So I hang up, and Tyler looked at me and says "Gross, huh?" Then we part ways.

Disgusting, Thomas: Troy Murphy should be no one's favorite player. Believe it or not, this same man has written a very nice guest post that will be up shortly about John Milton and Lebron James. I'm not making this up. Want to get in on the dream-sharing? Have a nice guest-post about Chaucer and Kobe? Send me an email: loveinthetimeoflebron@gmail.com.