Consider Shaq's Music Videos

So here’s the thing about Shaq: He is interesting. He does lots of things. Most of them don’t really relate to basketball all that much, but as that is kind of the purview of the blog, Shaq is going to be a topic of frequent discussion at Love in the Time of LeBron, even if that discussion is basically just, “Isn’t it weird how Shaq hangs out with young, male, teenage pop stars?” The point is that I mostly really like Shaq and enjoy talking about his hobbies and side projects. It’s basically, pretty much like this.

In any case, I thought that we could take some time to get to know Shaq’s work a little better. Specifically the hip-hop singles, and even more specifically, the music videos. While it’s tempting to dismiss his rap career as inconsequential and his musical output as the equivalent to vanity publishing, it’s not fair and not true. Shaq is not Ron Artest. His first album, Shaq Diesel, went platinum. The second, Shaq Fu, went gold. His singles consistently charted and all four of his released albums were released on a major label. Shaq, as a rapper, seems like he should be a mere footnote, but his commercial impact is undeniable. For comparison, Shaq’s success with singles on the U.S. Rap chart is comparable to, and arguably better than, a hip hop luminary like Ghostface Killah. Shaq’s rap career, somehow, kind of matters. So if I’ve succeeded in persuading you, let’s move on to some goofy-ass shit.

What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)

This is actually a Fu-Schnickens song and video and not a Shaquille O’Neal single, but it’s important, because it’s the first time we get a taste, albeit a very small one of Shaq’s rapping abilities. Released in 1993, this song was a fairly cynical attempt to salvage a song based around a Bugs Bunny sample that Fu-Shnickens couldn’t get clearance for. Instead, Fu-Schnickens decided to actively seek out Shaq, who had listed the group as his favorite hip hop artists. Shaq was happy to contribute a sort-of verse tacked onto the end of the song, say, “What’s up doc?” in lieu of Bugs Bunny, and appear in the video. The verse is a short, so-so affair which includes a number of regrettable boasts such as “Forget Tony Danza; I’m the boss,” a few nonsensical words rhymed together, and a nice little slam on Christian Laettner for failing to be the number one pick in the 1992 NBA draft. The video is a kinetic affair, featuring a lot of movement, probably over-animated word art, and Shaq hopping up and down while wearing a giant vest. It sounds deeply silly but it was a big hit, a Top 40 smash, and the most-famous Fu-Schnickens would ever be, which is a shame, because it’s actually kind of an awesome song even if it is by a group called “Fu-Schnickens.”

(I Know I Got) Skillz

The first Shaq single! It’s off of Shaq Diesel and was his highest charting success, reaching the third spot on the U.S. rap charts. The video is a fairly simple affair, featuring a smoking tractor trailer slowly backing up until Shaq bursts out, jumping onto a giant logo of his name and rapping to the assembled street party. Shaq is wearing what appears to be, again, one very large vest. Occasionally the music video is intercut with shots of Shaq walking down a different street during the day wearing a different vest. The rap itself is a standard braggadocio-ridden, ranting answer to the question, “Could Shaquille O’Neal possibly be any good at rapping?” And Shaq, in his rapping answer, wants to assure you that, while you may not know yet, he certainly knows that he posses the requisite skills. Here is a sampling of said skills:

“You better than Shaq-tack? Fool! Shut up, liar
I lean on the Statue of Liberty when I get tired
Then I’ll punch you in the stomach, I don’t give a heck”

He certainly doesn’t. This song also features Def Jef, who, according to Wikipedia (which I checked because I have never heard of Def Jef) apparently used to write criticially-acclaimed sociopolitical lyrics. More recently, however, he wrote the theme song to That’s So Raven. That’s so Def Jef, I guess.

I’m Outstanding

From the name, you might think that this song is mostly boasting in the same vein as “Skillz,” but it's much closer to a biography, loosely describing Shaq’s experience growing up. Instead of a gripping tale of danger, brutal poverty and the temptation of the streets, we instead get the story of a poor family, headed up by very loving and supportive parents who helped Shaq stay motivated to succeed in basketball. There is little to no conflict and honestly, it plays more like a Newark, NJ version of “Coal Miner’s Daughter” than anything else:

“Times are hard, times are rough
Didn't have Toys R Us toys, but I had enough love
Plus the guidance from above
To go to the park, sweatin' push and shove”

In general, though the story is kind of boring, the flow is more inspired than “Skillz.” The song also features a rad beat, probably the only hip-hop references to Dennis Scott and Nick Anderson ever, and a video that’s passable except for a regrettable over-use of green-screen effects: instead of showing Shaq rapping at a variety of fairly bleak Newark locales, they have instead filmed these locations and then used a green screen to super-impose Shaq. At some points, this effect is used to make Shaq seem even bigger than normal, stomping down the streets like some kind of New Jersey Godzilla, but most of the time, it just seems like Shaq just didn’t have the time to film on location. No better way to celebrate where you are from than to refuse to actually go back . Which is a shame, because some of the footage from Newark is really lovely in a bitterly-beautiful-urban-decay kind of way.

Shoot Pass Slam

The third single, from Shaq Diesel, this track holds the distinction of being the least successful of any single that Shaq released, and watching the video you come to understand that the governing principle behind this single was laziness. The video actually manages to include no newly filmed footage, but rather recycles a blend of footage from “Skillz,” NBA highlights, and a one minute Reebok commercial that features the song and alternates between Shaq wearing a vest and a jersey (dude, just hates sleeves, maybe?). The effect isn’t too bad, but when most of the non-NBA footage comes from a shoe commercial and an old video, you are in totally laughable territory. Shaq tried to make up for it by releasing a average and marginally acceptable video of a live performance of “Shoot Pass Slam” that is also intercut with some NBA highlights, which is totally acceptable since young Shaq is awfully impressive, basketball-wise. His rhyming? Less so.

The song is based on a simple premise: If Mr. O’Neal is given the ball would you prefer for him to shoot, pass, or slam the ball? Shaq knows his limitations and agrees with your assessmentL he would be happy to slam the ball for you. The rest of the verses are, much like the video, kind of a retread of “Skillz,” where Shaq spends most of his time boasting and describing how great a basketball player he is, mixed in with playful, Method Man-esque nonsense words and nursery rhyme riffing. Overall it’s not bad, and I prefer Shaq bragging about his basketball skill than Shaq bragging about his rapping skills (though he does that too). There’s also a lot of unneccesary pop-culture references, but hey, it’s hip hop: those are allowed.

“I’m a rookie. Clint Eastwood. Martin Sheen.
AHHHHH! Leave me alone. I’m turning green.”

Biological Didn’t Bother

The first single off of Shaq Fu: Da Return, this song is, as the title suggests, a song that deals with Shaq’s abandonment by his biological father. However, instead of being about his biological father, most of the song is about Shaq’s relationship with his step-dad. It’s actually all pretty sweet, filled with admiration, memories of good times, and even a knowing and wise perspective on conflict between young Shaq and wise Phil. In this regard, it’s very much the sequel to “Outstanding” in terms of tone and content. Of course, underneath the verses there is an undeniably bitter and angry tone, most evident in the pointed chorus (“He took me from a boy to a man so Phil is my father, cause my biological didn't bother.”) and the final verse, which closes:

“He ain’t gettin’ no check from me (check it)
He can go on all the talk shows he want
Phil is my dad so don’t even front.”

Yikes. I hate to say this, since Shaq clearly is wearing his heart on his sleeve with this song, but, as earnest as the song is, it’s not very good. The slower rhymes and narrative-approach prevent him from engaging in any free-association word play and the subject of the song stops him from playing to his main strength: bragging about how great Shaq is. The beat is a bit of unremarkable mid-90’s G-funk and the video is pretty forgettable unless you just love literal interpretations of the scenes described in the song and shots of Shaq in a windbreaker driving around in a convertible with his step-dad.

No Hook

This is a Wu-Tang joint, make no respect. Produced by the RZA, and featuring rhymes by RZA and Method Man, Shaq’s contribution in the middle verse makes him seem an interloper in his own song. That said, Shaq does a good job of blending in: freed from the constraints of making sense and allowed to run wild with free-association, he fits in well with the Wu-Tang sensibility and his work on the track is pretty comparable to the phoned-in rhymes of Method Man and RZA.

“Always & forever, forever always attack,
I bring flava to ya ear; like Craig Mack.
Life's a B and then you D, refer to Nasty Nas Illmatic;
CD, #3 Static.
You don't want none, you best to keep lookin',
A-E-I-O-U's an ass-whoopin’”

All-in-all, a great Shaq track and a mediocre Wu-Tang one. The video is also pretty excellent, again feeding more into the Wu-Tang aesthetic than anything that’s identifiably consistent with Shaq’s work. The video is a murky mix of dark industrial settings and close-ups in high contrast black and white, cutting and fading quickly into each other for an impressionistic look at what appears to be the three protagonists inside a meat packing warehouse, where, ironically, they are surrounded by literal hooks, which hang, sinisterly from the ceiling. Also, for no real reason, since the song contains the RZA line, “Gold nugget fangs punch holes inside your jugular,” they are all wearing gold grills that feature bizarre vampire fangs. It’s totally weird, but I’m not going to lie, sinister giant gangster vampire is a good look for Shaq.

You Can’t Stop the Reign

"You Can’t Stop the Reign" is the first single from the album of the same name. The album version of this song features a few verses from none other than the Notorious B.I.G. However, in a move that should probably be considered “fucking stupid,” the video version omits the Biggie verses in favor of Shaq. I mean, it makes sense: why would you want to include one of the greatest living rappers at the peak of his powers when you could have more Shaq? In any case, though Biggie may be excised from the single, his influence is felt anyway: the song feels like a Biggie song, with it’s slinky grooves and languid beats referencing “Big Papa” pretty heavily. Likewise, the song is preoccupied with the mafioso, kingpin thematics that dominated rap of the day, largely as a result of Biggie’s influence. The video takes its cues from Shaq’s story about the T.W.is.M. (“The World is Mine”) “family” and his rhymes about the high-rolling life-style. Well, sort of.

This video features a series of bizarre and elaborate scenes with Shaq as mafioso don, Shaq as commander in some sort of high-tech bunker, and finally Shaq as Enrico Gates, who has glowing red eyes and who the video thoughtfully denotes as “Evil Shaq.” All of this is fairly standard fare for the time and evil alter egos are a dime a dozen in hip hop, but the video really takes a turn when mafioso Shaq confronts Enrico Gates at a T.W.is.M. family board meeting. While Shaq is happy to present Enrico with a mysterious briefcase, Enrico is less happy to find that the briefcase is filled with You Can’t Stop the Reign CDs. I know; I’d be furious too. So then, ninjas burst through the windows a ong with a muscled henchman who is wielding some kind of net launcher. Gates’ minions try to net Shaq and his entourage and are largely successful.

Then, shit gets weird: Shaq reveals his Wolverine-esque metal claws that shoot out of his knuckles and uses them to free himself from the net. Shaq then tries to escape the increasing escalation of forces that are being sent after him. While Gates is originally content to send a few motorcycles and helicopters after Shaq, this quickly and absurdly escalates as an entire airforce worth of helicopters, jets, and flying saucers pursue Shaq, who abruptly stops the chase for an old-timey newspaper photo shoot before resuming his escape. Then, as Shaq is escaping, the twist is revealed via a freeze frame and the text suddenly appearing on the screen: GAME OVER. The whole thing was a video game! The camera reveals a happy youngster who was playing this game. Well-played, Shaq.

Okay, so it’s a stupid twist, but I admire the fact that this video tries to do something beyond merely illustrating the lyrics or showing Shaq performing. Likewise, the song itself is probably the best-crafted of all of Shaq’s singles for what that’s worth, and as far as the beats go, “sounds like a Biggie song” isn’t a bad diagnosis. Not a great song, but pretty good, particularly for Shaq.

Strait Playin

Honestly, any follow up to “You Can’t Stop The Reign” was bound to be disappointing, but this seems particularly lame. A bland, milquetoast bragging track about Shaq’s skills as a basketball player, rapper, and partier, this track has more in common with “Skillz” than any of his more recent work. The beat, produced by DJ Quik, lazily references the West Coast sound (auto-tune, bouncy drums) as the lyrics loosely reference Shaq’s trade to the L.A. Lakers. This is the most generic sounding of Shaq’s singles and it just doesn’t offer much lyrically. Sadly, neither does the video: just the mid-90s standards of wide-angle lenses, crews driving in cars, and pretty girls partying and dancing. There are a few highlights: one of the girls dancing in the bathroom (yeah, I know), pulls out a green-feathered boa from the toilet and begins dancing with it. Feathered boas in a few different colors appear throughout the video (it is the era of Clueless), but only one is pulled out of a toilet. Oh, and for some reason, DJ Quik is just chilling with an albino Burmese python around his neck for the last half of the video. So there’s that.

Men of Steel

Of course, aside from being a rapper and basketball player, Shaq is also a world-class film actor. You knew that right? Well, in his follow-up to Kazaam, Shaq chose a project based on comic book hero Steel. Of course, Shaq couldn’t just star in the movie, he had to be on the soundtrack and merely including “Strait Playin’” was not enough. Thus, the Steel-themed posse track “Men of Steel” was born. Featuring Ice Cube, KRS-One, B-Real, Peter Gunz (who also appears on “Strait Playin’”), and, of course, Mr. O’Neal, the track is kind of banging. Freed of any lyrical constraints except the general theme of being Men of Steel, the rappers are free to let loose with free-association bragging about how steely they are. Fortunately, this tack plays to Shaq’s strengths and the single-verse limit gives him fewer spots to slip up.

“The best thing since grits & fake tits
Man Of Steel who you with?
I'm so fly when I walk I levitate
My caliber's first rate. Exceptional; above great.”

The beats are nice and the video keeps it simple: the posse standing around a foundry, filled with molten metal and sparks. Not exactly inspired, but not totally stupid which we are going to count as a win. Shaq elects to go with a jeans, tank-top and sun glasses look that actually makes him look like a massively muscled bad-ass. Was it so hard to stop with the vests?

The Way It’s Going Down

This single features the same crew who did “Strait Playin’,” which understandably sank my heart. Fortunately, though DJ Quik uses the same elements he used in “Strait Playin’” but gets a much stronger effect. Likewise, Peter Gunz officially cements his status as Shaq’s sidekick by appearing in three Shaq singles in a row, a fact that he seems to be pretty proud of, considering his boast, “Now me and Shaq is like Batman and Robin,” which is totally true if we are talking the George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell incarnations. Shaq’s rapping is inoffensive to the point of self-parody when he admonishes Peter Gunz:

“Yo, just rock your roll, dog
And kill 'em wit silence
You never get nowhere using violence “

So true, Shaq. Aside from that, the lyrics are a potpourri of leftovers from “You Can’t Stop the Reign” and “Strait Playin’,” which means that there are a lot of empty lines about how great it is to be rich. Nothing to write home about. The video, likewise, is kind of bland, though it features quite a few stupid cameos, namely Oscar de la Hoya, Steven Segal, and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. It truly was 1998.

Connected

This was the first and only single off of Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends Vol. 1 an album that was scheduled to be released September 11, 2001. As you might imagine, that didn’t happen. The album was delayed and then ultimately scrapped, the terrorists winning that round. Fortunately for us patriots, this single was released anyway. Featuring WC and Nate Dogg, this track seems markedly different from any of the other singles Shaq had released up to this point. The difference all seems to be confidence. In the span between “The Way It’s Going Down” and “Connected,” Shaq had led the Lakers to two consecutive NBA titles and claimed two NBA Finals MVP trophies for himself, which, of course, served as nice bookends for his regular season MVP he won in 2000. In the post-Jordan void, Shaq began to actually live up to the boasts he’d been making for the better part of the decade. When your swagger is indisputable, it changes you. The more confident Shaq of “Connected” rhymes effortlessly and projects a grown-man’s menace that young Shaq never could muster. When he says, “I am the future of the game, ain’t no stopping this,” in 2000, we believe him.

Strong contributions from WC and Nate Dogg help this single stand out, though the video does no such favors, serving up a bland melange of party scenes in the standard hip hop idiom. A nice prologue sequence of Shaq angrily dunking on a basket on an empty court is the best that the video offers. However, despite the video, the song is largely a success, and it’s a nice snapshot of Shaq at his most dominant, both on and off the court. It’s too bad that his difficulties with Kobe would shorten his unstoppable reign (Wade renaissance aside), because the two other singles that were planned from Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends Vol. 1 were kind of.... good. “In the Sun” shows Shaq complementing Common and Black Thought rather nicely on the ?uestlove produced track, while "Do it Faster" offers maybe the best flow I’ve heard from Shaq, albeit in the service of a raunchy Trina-hooked, Twista-versed lyrical sex romp. It’s times like these when you really appreciate how much we lost in 9/11.

Epilogue
While there are indisputably better rappers in the world, there are many successful rappers who are a whole lot worse than Shaquille O’Neal. He’s too talented to dismiss as a mere novelty, and he certainly showed off his chameleon’s gift to change his flow to match a given sound, capable of approximating distinct styles with ease. This versatility is cool because it let’s his body of singles stand in as a compressed history of the major currents of hip hop in the nineties, with representatives of G-funk, mafioso rap, the sparse Wu-Tang sound, and the “jiggy” style among others all co-existing in Shaq’s discography. In this way, Shaq serves as an over-sized, goofy, admittedly, mostly mediocre Rosetta Stone of nineties hip hop.

But, what does Shaq’s rap career mean? Let’s take him at face value. Shaq’s not laying down long-winded, gritty street narratives and his stepdad-loving, mom-respecting, hardworking-but-well-behaved side rises to the top far too often to give those narratives much credibility. At heart Shaq is a goody-goody with a cornball sense of humor, and no matter how clever he gets at talking tough, he probably shares more with Justin Bieber and Aaron Carter than he does with B-Real or Method Man. What does Shaq think of Shaq? Well, with a wink and a smile, he thinks he’s awesome. Who are we to disagree?

Shaq and Bieber Deja Vu

Once upon a time, I wondered who was the most Wu-Tang player in the NBA, and had to ultimately acknowledge that it couldn't be anyone but Shaquille O'Neal. Lots of things tilt the scales in his favor, but the one thing that's impossible to argue with is a rap single featuring RZA and Method Man. Checkmate.

Of course, Shaq is full of contradictions, and the Big Everything has loved nothing more than appearing in every music video he can, regardless of genre, style, or well, regardless of anything. This, totally obviously, led to Shaq inexplicable witnessing the rapture in an Owl City music video.

So now, there is this and well, this. Shaq and boy-wonder Justin Bieber are now, apparently, BFFs, a sacred bond consecrated by their serenading and dancing. And that's all well and good, but it gave me a really weird sense of deja vu.

It's because we have seen Shaq as BFF's with a young teenage pop star before. Search the recesses of your mind and summon forth the memory of Aaron Carter and Shaq's friendship. It was weird then, but it made a little more sense in that Aaron Carter (or I guess his handlers) had written a whole song about he beat Shaq, so I guess they had to meet to at least make the incredible video?

Right. Totally average stuff. And it's really normal that for the second time in his career, Shaq is spending his spare time hanging out with really young teenage boy pop stars. Nope, not weird at all. Also, totally Wu-Tang. Totally.

Offseason Shenanigans

What do NBA players do in the off-season? Lots of players take different approaches.  Obviously, it's a big time for free agent negotiations, high-level conditioning with their training staff, and international competition. Lots of guys also take much-deserved vacations, sometimes with a little spiritual awakening and education included.

So, let's take a look at what some of the Love in the Time Of LeBron Award Winners did this off-season:

This one dude made some sort of decision to join the Miami Heat. No, not Eddie House, whatshisname. You know. Damn it's on the tip of my tongue. In any case, afterwards, he celebrated like this. There was no fall out from any of these events and everyone continued to love this player.

Speaking of televised idiocy, Shaq spent most of the summer competing against people on his show, Shaq vs. In tonight's season debut, which, by total coincidence happens to be just around the time details about his deal with the Celtics became public, he competed in a spelling bee and raced Dale Earnhardt Jr. Here is a picture of Shaq trying to fit into a race car.

In less douchey news, Channing Frye is hosting a charity adult kickball tournament in Portland. Of course he is. According to the tournament's website the tournament will last all day and include a "stage with music, food, beer garden, yard games and activities including a bouncy castle!" Of course it will. Damn you and your likability, Channing Frye.

In other childhood-sports-co-opted-by-grown-ass-adults news, Ron Artest decided to get in shape for the off-season the only way he knew how: by crashing a dodgeball game.

Oh, Ron. At least he's in good company.

Tuesday Odds and Ends: Okafor Edition

Emeka Okafor for Tyson Chandler
Be careful what you wish for. Yesterday, bewildered by the Charlotte Bobcat's lack of moves, I laid out a series of suggestions. Notably I said: "Try to trade for a unicorn. It makes about as much sense as anything else right now." Apparently the Bobcats took my advice to heart, though apparently couldn't find a unicorn to trade for. So, logically, they decided to trade Emeka Okafor for Tyson Chandler.

I'll be blunt: I ain't crazy about the trade. I'll link to the different writers/blogs breaking down the trade, but let me give you my take first. Emeka Okafor's reliable and consistent performance in terms of scoring and rebounding were a real asset to the team. By almost all statistical measures, Tyson Chandler is a worse basketball player who is paid more than Okafor and is more prone to injury. That said, some of the defensive statistics (links below) point out that Chandler is a great defensive center. Caveat: Charlotte Bobcats are already a great defensive team that has trouble scoring and this move seems to exacerbate this issue. Finally, Emeka Okafor had a ridiculously long contract that was considered somewhat immovable. Chandler has a shorter contract that will expire sooner and will be easier to trade. So, long story short: Probably not a great move, but there are potential upsides. For some more fine-grained analysis (including all the stats breakdowns you could ever want) here's what other people are saying:

Queen City Hoops
Bobcats Planet
Bobcats Baseline
Hornets247
John Hollinger

Again, generally impressed by the speed of the analysis by the NBA blogging community, particularly the Charlotte folks. Speaking of which...

Shaq Does Wrestling and Cavs the Blog
For a great instant response to Shaq's appearance Monday Night Raw, I refer you John Krolik's Cavs the Blog which breaks the matter down as well as I think anyone can. The article is here. Now is a good time to point out that this is a great blog that all NBA fans should be reading. Smart, funny stuff. I'm recently pretty fond of a piece he wrote that has a nice little riff on GM psychology. Anyway, as Shaq is one of my favorite topics on this blog, and Shaq is now on the Cavs, expect more talking about and linking to Cavs the Blog.

Odds and Ends: EVEN QUICKER
1. Does being Wu-Tang even mean anything anymore? I was able to overlook Method Man's acting career and all the merchandising, but RZA's turn as Seth Rogen's coworker in Funny People is really killing the mystique for me. Maybe more on this later if I don't get Shaqed out.

2. The Blowtorch says everything that needs to be said about Andre Miller.

3.Hey ya'll get that I like Free Darko right? Good stuff lately on other Love in the Time of Lebron icon, Allen Iverson and issues of authenticity. Also, this weekend there was a nice wide-ranging article about Allen Iverson and the Marburython amongst other things.

4. Finally, it bears mentioning that this Monday morning I was expecting to see some big ol write-ups and highlights of the Marburython, but no one has done a full and thorough job yet. I am eagerly awaiting someone to compile all the highlights and to interview some psychologists to let us know what the Hell is going on. The whole thing smacks of tragedy and probably imperils the chances that teams will want to sign Marbury, but I find myself liking the guy more and more. I'm still trying to navigate the territory of whether this makes me a sicko using a genuinely mentally ill person for my own personal entertainment or an eager spectator watching a mildly unhinged weirdo hamming it up in front of a camera. As smarter people than me have noted, the Free Darko post about Marbury and Tracy Morgan/Jordan is seeming more and more prescient and is, right now, still the best thing written about the Marburython despite not actually being about it.

5. That last one wasn't so quick. Whatever.

Twitter Wars I Have Known

The most important question of our time is being decided as we speak. A question of great cultural significance and resonating import: Who is more popular on Twitter, Charlie Villanueva or Chris Bosh?

Currently, the two are racing to see who will be the first to have 50,000 followers. Granted, this is a modes goal compared to Shaq's 1.6 million followers, but Shaq, as near as I can tell, is the whole reason that Twitter matters. He's in a class of his own when it comes to channeling his own message, self-mythologizing, and being weird on Twitter (the opposite of Iverson). Indeed, the only reason so many NBA players and people are on Twitter, as near as I can tell, is because Shaq has used it so successfully. Since then, it's been a tidal wave. It's weird if an NBA player isn't on Twitter. Sean May and Nazr Mohammad both have accounts, to give you an example of how widespread the twittering has become. If the bottom of the Bobcats big man rotation are all using Twitter, then you know everyone is using Twitter. Notable exceptions to the rule: Kobe and Lebron don't use Twitter, because well, one's a super controlling sociopath and the other finds Twitter unnecessary due to his mutant abilities which allegedly include, but certainly aren't limited to, mass telepathy (I for one look forward to Lebron broadcasting his message of dominance, support for Cleaveland, and sneaker consumption directly inside my skull). Also, as far as I know, Marvin Williams doesn't have a Twitter, really hurting my theory that he's a huge nerd. Despite this, apparently his booty loves to Twitter. The point being, the NBA loves Twitter.

In my own experience, there are only four types of people on Twitter (really only three if you group the first two under "Nerds"):

1. Tech folks.
2. Media folks.
3. People who just got back from a run.
4. NBA players.

Now, as far as NBA players using Twitter, I love it. It's still one of those things that isn't entirely controlled by publicists yet, so it really is a pretty good way to get direct and unfettered access to the players, coaches, owners, and journalists instantaneous and direct thoughts. Now is the point where I mention that most of this is tedious, banal, and maybe disappointing. However, a healthy portion of it is just weird. I don't know if you know this, but NBA players are some of the most deeply bizarre, weird, funny, and personable yet crazy people on the planet. Letting them channel their thoughts directly to the masses is just completely fascinating. And it comes in all flavors: Check out some of the Baseline's round-ups of best tweets from around the league for a fine sampling of the many delights of the NBA tweet. You won't be disappointed. Maybe you'll even see the melancholy desperation of a borderline, undrafted player from Virginia Tech. Maybe.

Now back to the question at hand: Charile Villanueva or Chris Bosh? Both of them have some serious Twitter skills, and both excel at the medium and seem to genuinely enjoy it. On his side, Charlie Villanueva had one of the more famous tweets when he managed to send an update during half-time of a game he was playing in, drawing the ire of his coach, amongst others. Also, I particularly enjoyed Charlie's blatant lobbying on Twitter to go play with Lebron. Dude's also got a pretty nice game and alopecia. Points all round.

Chris Bosh on the other hand is just awesome. He's a very smart and funny guy with interesting things to say. He's a good sport and seems really nice. He's also a helluva baller, an All-Star and easily considered the third best prize of the epic Class of 2010 behind Flash and the Chosen One. He is also pretty damn weird and maybe the best in the whole NBA at using social media. Why do I say this you ask? Behold!



That's right, he made a weird youtube video framed as a shitty local TV ad to try to get voted into the All-Star game. It worked. Do you not love this man, yet? What if I told you he made a faux-martial arts movie to make fun of Baron Davis for a YouTube showdown they were having?



You have to vote for Chris Bosh. Follow him on Twitter. Check out his other YouTube videos. The man is too wonderfully weird to not reward him and his embrace of social media has made it really fun to be a fan. That should always be rewarded. Sure CV has no hair, but alopecia can't always be the trump card.

Final note: Baron Davis doing strange things in YouTube videos is practically a genre onto itself. I love Baron and it's only a matter of time before I feel compelled to talk more about him. Until then, one of the finest examples of the genre, courtesy of Chris Bosh TV:



NOTE: I'm on Twitter too: www.twitter.com/kellenlc.

ALSO: Fresh on Shaq's Twitter, more proof that he is the most Wu Tang.

The Answer for Charlotte?

I live in North Carolina, and, somehow, I guess, am a Bobcats fan. The Bobcats, in the past season, have somehow transformed from a young team filled with Michael Jordan's dubious draft picks to a team with a delightful mix of great young potential stars and grizzled veterans. It is, in absolute seriousness, one of the elite defensive teams in the country and a serious contender to make the playoffs. It's a fun team, with lots of interesting characters: the visceral, passionate recklessness of Gerald Wallace, the bizarre efficiency and skill of the discarded cogs of the D'Antoni machine in Bell And Diaw, and perpetually underrated young talent in Okafor and Felton. Also, for some reason, they are really, inexplicably good at beating the Lakers (7 out of the last 8 games have been Charlote wins, I believe)

The known weakness of Charlotte is simple: they can't score. The prescription seems simple: add one electrifying shooting guard and stir. There are a couple of potential problems. Charlotte is cheap. The front office is dumb. Lots of players don't want to play in Charlotte. Famously, Charlotte drafted Kobe, but he was so adamant about not playing in North Carolina he forced a trade to the Lakers. I like to imagine that the animosity of Charlotte's basketball directed at Kobe Bryant is the driving force behind the inexplicable recent dominance of the Bobcats against the Lakers.

Vince Carter, for example, would have been the ideal fit for Charlotte. An impossibly explosive scorer at shooting guard, a steady veteran presence, and, as an alumnus of the University of North Carolina, precisely the kind of guy who might be delighted to play for Michael Jordan and Larry Brown. Vince Carter isn't available. Allen Iverson is. Over the course of his career, there is no one in the league who puts up more points per game than AI except for Goddamn Lebron James Himself. But is he a good fit for Charlotte?

That's an excellent question and one that someone else answered in an in-depth and thoughtful manner. If you are, like me, inexplicably a Bobcats fan, then Queen City Hoops is easily the most important Bobcats blog to read. When it comes to team blogs, Charlotte has lucked out in getting a blogger who has the time and patience for in-depth statistical analysis that has few other peers, especially focused on one team. Brett does a great job at breaking down all the details. Read his analysis here.

Here it should be mentioned that perhaps my favorite basketball player is Allen Iverson. There are a lot of reasons to not like Allen Iverson and, in fact, a lot of people don't. The orthodox fan who decries any change from the way basketball was under the Honorable Coach John Wooden hate him for his flash and his swagger which they think undermines the team concept. He famously doesn't care about practice, and, all things considered, undermines all of the Grand Traditions of Basketball. Stats guys hate him for his inefficiency and believe his reputation is inflated. There are other criticisms that you'll find pretty easily by Googling his name and a lot of them are really ugly. Some of them are outright racist and others idiosyncratic and pedantic, and some brave few combine all these complaints. His personal history of controversy and trouble make him an easy target, and admittedly, he is no angel.

That said, I really like Allen Iverson. Here's why: Allen Iverson shouldn't be one of the greatest basketball players ever. He is short and not a very good shot. He's a ball hog and takes excessive risks on defense. He's also absolutely electrifying to watch. Allen Iverson's game is based on sheer willpower and determination. The ball goes in because he wants it to go in more than anything in the world. He has few talents except for lightning speed, ridiculous reflexes, and just total gritty toughness. His drives are all improvisational rolls of the dice, the most desperate moves of another players repertoire. For Iverson, it's his go to move. To say he plays hard is an understatement: the man martyrs himself on the court every night in whats usually a vain effort (Remember, he's spent most of his career being the only good player on his team). He plays hard and he gets hurt and then he plays through the injury. He is one of the top five all-time leading scorers in the NBA, at several points in his career only bested by Wilt and Michael. He is, right now, the best player six feet tall or shorter to ever play.

AI has never been the hero in the NBA. He's always been, for the most part, cast as a heel, a villain. His past is too checkered and his tendency towards hard honesty gets him in trouble, makes him difficult for mass audiences to love. The man has no talent for managing the media and doesn't even really understand why someone would even bother. In some ways, he is the opposite of Shaq. Shaq is very media savvy and gleefully cultivates his own mythology and his own story which the lazy media gladly seizes as their own. Shaq's talent for the turn of phrase, his charisma, and his ability to know just what to say, so as to be seen as funny and affable, make him, if not universally beloved, at least widely liked. This is, however, a fairly deliberate and trained talent. AI doesn't have it. He can barely dissimulate, can't hide his emotions from the press, can't put a good face on things if they are bad. He doesn't care if you are charmed by him or like him. It just doesn't register.

Ignore his legendary, Hall of Fame ability, for a second: AI is potentially the grittiest, toughest, most willful, determined, and sincere player in the game right now. He always plays his hardest and he says what he means. This is a clip of him talking about his scholarship program this past week. The Answer doesn't necessarily have answers of his own, answers for himself, but that doesn't mean the Question is less meaningful and important.

 

I know I got gushy, and I know that really, AI may in fact just be so good at PR manipulation that he has willfully chosen and shaped this media perception of himself to attract suckers like me. It's possible. Do you think it's likely?

BONUS: Someone remixed the famous AI practice press-conference. Enjoy.

The Anti-Kobe Society

The rumor that the Cleavland Cavaliers are making a bid for Ron Artest is a juicy one. First, from the basic, boring point of view where Lebron needs a better supporting cast, and surprisingly, he might be better off playing the power forward position than the small forward position, this is an intriguingly clever move.

The more exciting part about the trade is that it seems, along with the Shaq acquisition, designed to turn the Cleavland Cavaliers into a team designed for one very specific purpose: taking down Kobe. This is totally a comic book scenario. Artest, Shaq, and Lebron all have personal rivalries with Kobe. To put them together on one team with the expressed purpose of trying to take what belongs to Kobe (the championship)... well that's just too juicy. Kobe vs. Lebron spawned a whole series of ubiquitous commercials featuring puppets that talked and vitamins that were got. Shaq vs. Kobe has it's own Wikipedia page. This is seismic already. The playoffs are about as far away as they can be and I'm already tired about hearing about these two showdowns. But then you add in Ron Artest and Kobe's complicated relationship and the Kobe vs. Cavaliers rivalry will have reached operatic heights. I mean, really, do the Cavs have "bitter rivalry with Kobe Bryant" as one of their job qualifications? Will there be anyone left in the NBA with a bitter rivalry with Kobe who isn't on the Cavs?

What is the precise comic book analog for this? I know of lots of scenarios where the bad guys team up to fight the single good guy, but it seems rarer for three good guys to team up to fight a single evil (let's face it, when it comes to mythic storytelling, there is no way that Kobe is the good guy). This is such an over-the-top storyline for next season that I can't help but love it in all of it's glorious absurdity. If anyone can tell me what comic book they are ripping off for this storyline I'd be eternally grateful (Tangent: What super hero is Lebron?).

The Most Wu-Tang Player: Shaq?

One of the questions I have been pondering lately is very simple. Who is the most Wu-Tang player in the NBA? The answer that came back to me immediately was Shaq. Now, I was suspicious of this gut reaction, because it seemed too easy. Surely, Ron Artest maybe partied with ODB or something? I could believe that maybe someone give AI a Wu-Gambino name. Hell, surely there's someone from Staten Island who knew them growing up? Any of these might be true, but I can't find a single definitive answer.

What I do know is that Shaq is thoroughly Wu-Tang. There is the historical fact of Shaq's rap career. There is the issue of Shaq-Fu. There are all the nicknames and made up stories. But all of these facts merely serves as evidence for Shaq's dedication to his own self-mythology. Self-mythology is a tricky business, especially in basketball, but it's par for the course in hip hop. Every rapper knows he's a superhero, one of the X-Men. They know they need special powers and an origin story. Not every basketball player is aware of these requirements, but they do exist, and are ruthlessly imposed by the fan and the media, desperate for tasty Epic Narratives to satiate their endless hunger.

The Wu narrative, for example, is irresistible. "Straight from the slums of Shaolin," RZA told the story of a lost, but now unstoppable ninja clan that would stop at nothing short of world domination. Shaq didn't just embrace a similar narrative for himself, but rather took that exact same narrative and modified it to fit the solo warrior instead of the clan. For Shaq, there was never a team narrative, but rather the individual heroic narrative with an inevitable ending: Shaq reaching the top and becoming the Big Shogun. He wanders the land from team to team, hoping to in the end to have distributed at least Five Rings. This is not a story that we invented for Shaq or imposed upon him from the outside. This is a story that Shaq told himself. Claiming to be the Big Shogun because you have killed all of the rival warlords is just about as Wu-Tang as it gets.

Then there is the pretty powerful credential of Shaq's actual, successful rap career. Granted, Shaq is not the greatest rapper in the world, but he's had his moments. Back in the 90's he had some serious guest spots with Biggie and Jay-Z appearing on his albums not to mention a dozen others. This was all before he appeared in Aaron Carter videos, but it did happen.

Speaking of which, this also happened: "No Hook" is off of Shaq's second album, "Shaq-Fu: Da Return." Featuring RZA and Method Man, this pretty much nails down the issue. What other player has his own Wu-Tang joint where he's sandwiched between RZA and Meth? Shaq might not be the most hip hop player in the NBA (well, I guess he might be), but he's definitely the most Wu-Tang.




Show me someone else's Wu-Tang joint with GZA and Ghostface and I might change my mind, but right now I'm considering this case fairly definitively solved.

Shaq to the Cavaliers: How to Stop The Unstoppable

Draft night is over and done, and with it came few surprises. I'm happy to report that my predictions laid out in my mock draft were astonishingly accurate and I promise further analysis in the future. The biggest stories on Tuesday, however, were two blockbuster trades of superstars to contenders in the East. Vince Carter will join the already loaded Magic in Orlando and in, metaphorically and literally, bigger news, Shaquille O'Neal will join Lebron James and the Cleavland Cavaliers. The Big Shogun has left Phoenix to try to gift the young King with a title, as he did for Kobe and Dwayne Wade.

Shaq is old, and, because of a profoundly disappointing inability to alter the flow of time, is getting even older. That said, Shaq is still one of the most dominant players around the basket in the entire league and a massive, game-altering presence on either end. Combined with the Chosen One, Cleavland is looking more and more like a juggernaut. Stopping Lebron alone was a problem that few teams could even begin to wrap their heads around. The idea of trying to stop both Lebron and Shaq seems like a near impossibility.

Fortunately, despite Twitter boasts to the contrary, Shaq is (probably) not a living incarnation of an ancient god or unbeatable omniscient and omnipotent force from another dimension. He has his weaknesses and flaws and they have been conveniently scouted out and been reported on. I refer you to this video:



There are several applicable lessons would be Shaq slayers can take from this video. I will enumerate the main points of this strategy.

1. Psychological intimidation. Shaq is a formidable physical presence, so you should try to press any mental advantage you might have by getting in his head.

"I knew I could take him
Stared' at Shaq, psyche him out
I said O'Neal, you're in my house now"

With the draft night revelation that Shaq has been having not verbal but mental conversations with Lebron, however, this tactic might not be worth pursuing. Clearly the Big Aristotle has been training his psychic abilities.

2. Rely on deception and steals. It seems underhanded, but you want to win right?

"I had a plan, that I could change the pace
I said, Yo Shaq you didn't tie your shoelace
He looked down, I stole the ball
I'm taking him to school now, watch me all."

3. Reliance on threes. Be efficient and try to only take open and high percentage shots. This is a good way to maximize the bang for your buck against the stifling defense.

"A 3-pointer, nothing but net
Come on Shaq, had enough yet?
Down by two, I'm catching up
I guess your getting nervous
Cuz you already lost"

4. Dunk, dunk, dunk. These are the highest percentage shots there are, and, done properly, less likely to get blocked by Diesel. They have the added bonus of demoralizing Shaq and the potential of getting him in foul trouble.

"Dunk after dunk
Jam after jam
Cheerleaders are cheering
Aaron's the man"

Shaq is a challenging opponent, but as you can see from the video, there are proven ways in which he can be defeated. Lesson learned: Careful adherence to these principles and the advice of washed up former middle school pop stars can help give your team the edge it needs to take down the newly beshaq'd Cavaliers.

Still no hope for stopping Lebron though.