Monday, July 27, 2009

Suggestions for the Charlotte Bobcats

There are a surprisingly large number of things that I could be blogging about right now, notably linking to a number of great articles written elsewhere about things I've been talking about lately. Finally, there is a great big post about Stephon Marbury's live streaming wonderland of awesomeness that happened this weekend that has yet to be written by me. Don't you worry though, I'm sure that come Monday morning there will be thousands of takes by all your favorite writers/bloggers about the genius/madness of the streamathon. For now, I leave you only one quotation "I don't want to be anyone's favorite player. I want to be their favorite person."

But, now the topic at hand: the Charlotte Bobcats. Due to geography, His Airness, and my perverse respect for this weirdo, gritty team, I feel some loyalty to the 'Cats which means that they are going to get a little bit extra attention. I feel loyalty to this ridiculous team and share the concern of other fans and bloggers: Are the Bobcats going to do anything this off-season?

Here's the situation in brief for those unfamiliar with the Bobcats: The Bobcats are marginal playoff team in the East that really started clicking in the last half of the season after a series of trades brought in some distinguished role players who really nicely complemented the Bobcats' core. However, as it stands, the Bobcats right now are an elite defensive team stocked with skilled, though not electrifying role players. They don't have a top scorer, much depth, or even really a star. Clearly, this is a team that could benefit from signing a free agent or three or making some trades. Yet, the Bobcats do nothing. Why? No one knows. Maybe it's because they don't know what to do. So, with that in mind, I've prepared a list of off-season moves that might potentially help the Bobcats.

1. Re-sign Ray Felton. Currently, the Bobcats starting point guard from last year hasn't re-upped in Charlotte. This is stupid. Felton is a skilled and competent NBA point guard who isn't in much demand anywhere else. Stop dicking around and do the right thing, folks. Or get Ramon Sessions. Whatever.

2. Get Gerald Wallace to work in a laboratory. Gerald Wallace is the most likely of the Bobcats to have a break-out, supernova year where he evolves into the scoring star that the Bobcats need. However, at this point, "most likely" is still "not that likely." He needs a catalyst. A basic survey of comic books seems to indicate that working in a laboratory would greatly increase his chance to develop or refine the powers needed for a break-through year. Laboratories have all sorts of hazards that could potentially increase Gerald Wallace's powers, namely high levels of radiation. Whether we are talking gamma rays ala the Hulk, radioactive spiders ala Spiderman, or the intrinsic field generator ala Dr. Manhattan, the bizarre energy in laboratories is a good bet for catalyzing a transformation into an All-Star performer. Likewise, the dangerous chemicals that are to be found in every single laboratory have a fairly decent chance of enacting a Swamp Thing or the Flash type situation.

3. Sign or trade for some quality depth in the front court. We are mighty thin up there after the so sad departure of Sean May, Cartier Martin, and probably Juwan Howard and the general worthlessness of Nazr Mohammed, DeSagana Diop, and Vladimir Radmanovic. Diop and Radmanovic aren't very good players, but maybe some cracked out stats guy who forgot to carry the one when he was doing his calculations will convince his GM to make a stupid deal for them. This is the best we can hope for, because somehow Charlotte has managed to acquire a far too significant chunk of overpaid backup centers and forwards in the league. These are the guys who are killing Charlotte's salary cap. Seriously, players who are just as good as these players can and should be grabbed for minimum contracts. No matter what, we need to get these guys out of here. Which brings us to the next suggestion:

4. Hire Indonesian pirates to kidnap and ransom Radmanovic, Diop, and Mohammed. Upon their rescue, bribe them to tell their psychiatrist that the flashbacks from the pirate attack are so severe they can't play anymore. Hopefully, this will get them out of their contracts. If that doesn't work, the three should take turns shooting each others toes off with a sawed off shotgun so they won't be able to pass the NBA physical.

5. Sign the perfect fit scoring guard free-agent who has not missed an All-Star Game this decade, who is a sure fire Hall of Famer. who adores your head coach, and is willing to sign for so cheap it's ridiculous. Or wait, does that make too much sense?

6. Pay agents to systematically engage in a campaign of terror in the arenas of all the other teams in the NBA. Have them make bomb threats, send fake anthrax, and make fake viral videos and blogs to smear other teams successful players. Try to steal and hijack NBA-licensed merchandise and rob NBA apparel stores. If we sabotage the revenue stream of the entire NBA and will result in a lowered salary cap (since calculated as a percentage of all NBA revenue) which will result in more available free agents for the Bobcats or at least more money from teams above the cap thanks to the NBA luxury tax.

7. Try to trade for a unicorn. It makes about as much sense as anything else right now.

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