Saturday, October 16, 2010

2010 Season Preview: Chicago Bulls

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the angry bovines in the proverbial china shop: the Chicago Bulls.

Dark Horse Contenders

Why We Care
This could be one of the very best teams in basketball next year, and somehow, no one is talking about it. Some would argue that these young guns are more Hawks than Thunder, but they are really more mushrooms than onions, if you know what I mean. No? Okay, well that's fine too. The Bulls are going to be very good and they will matter and that's that.

Significant Beards
Keith Bogans: Minimal goatee. Frank Stella approved.
Carlos Boozer: Tightly trimmed, near full. A+.
Joakim Noah: Notoriously patchy semi-full. Nickname-worthy.
Derrick Rose: Small mustache, divided goatee. Slight fright.
Brian Scalabrine: Ginger goatee. WHY?
Kurt Thomas: Goatee. Prehistoric, 3/5 trilobites.

Guiding Text
The Epic of Gilgamesh

If They Were A Vegetable They Would Be...
Summer squash.

LeBron on the Bulls
LeBron looked at the statue for a long time. Derrick walked by and stopped. LeBron crossed his arms. Derrick was about to speak, but LeBron shot a look at him. They stared at the statue in silence. It wasn’t long before the others started coming. Luol and Kyle came in, talking quietly, but they stopped and took up the study. Joakim called out to them, but no one answered. He walked past, indignant. He soon came back, Taj and some of the others following. He was about to speak, but Derrick put a hand on his arm. Tom watched the huddle of players from the distance. He gave them five minutes, waiting for their attention to shift, but no one moved. He hesitated.

“What shall we do LeBron?”

“You shall not make for yourself a graven image.”

“I’m sorry. Or else, what?”

“I will destroy your high places and cut down your incense altars; I will heap your carcasses on the carcasses of your idols. I shall abhor you.”

They were silent. Tom looked at the expressions of the men before him. Derrick nodded.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

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