Monday, October 18, 2010

2010 Season Preview: Detroit Pistons

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the Motor City Madmen, the Detroit Pistons.

A Struggle For Relevancy

Why We Care
The Pistons have been a dominant force in basketball for much of the past quarter-century. Only in recent times has this once great house fallen into total disarray. When Jonas Jerebko is the siver-lining on last year's season, the clouds most have been dark indeed. The Pistons are nearing their nadir... which means that their rise is coming. Or more darkness. In any case, the Pistons have some legitimately good players, a talented coach, and a history of success. It doesn't guarantee future success, but this team can't sink much further can it?

Significant Beards
Will Bynum: Tidy and discreet. 4 English butlers.
Austin Daye: Beardspiration: a funnel. Category 1 twister.
Ben Gordon: His inner beard was seared off. 2nd degree burn.
Richard Hamilton: Recently clean-shaven. Was told to leave his ferret at home on game days.
Jason Maxiell: Clean, strong lines, classic form. 16th century sculpture or 21st century icon?
Greg Monroe: Heavy shading on the sides; great effect for his cheekbones. Covergirl Challenge runner-up.
Tayshaun Prince: Slightly Lincoln-esque, but disappointing. 2nd act at Ford’s Theatre.
Rodney Stuckey: Crumb-catcher or double-chin-hider? Either way, 2 out of 10 Ho-Hos.
DaJuan Summers: Full beard. Too full. Suspicious.
Ben Wallace: Understated yet effective. Four solid stars.
Chris Wilcox: Lush, well-tended braids, yet scraggle patch beard. The side yard of his face.

Guiding Text
A Separate Peace

If They Were An MP3 Player They Would Be...
A Zune.

LeBron on the Pistons
Sun-Tzu explained a four-level hierarchy of targets in his famous book. The worst thing you could do while at war, he said, was to attack your enemies’ cities. Such assaults were costly and inevitably resulted in the loss of many lives. Upon his throne of bones, LeBron looked over the ruined city and grinned. Fires burned in the distance, barely visible through the smoky haze. The second-worst thing you could do was to attack your enemies’ armies. While not as futile and dangerous as attacking a walled city, the loss of life, the loss of strength, the potential for failure were all inevitable risks. For Sun-Tzu, the business of battle was a poor strategy for a war. The third-worst thing you could do, or rather, the second-best, was to attack your enemies’ alliances. And so he had. Power hadn’t been consolidated in the summer, but had been scattered. Piece-meal trades and draft-day desperation had fractured the familiar structures. Gasol had left L.A. and the Boston superteam was no more, just Pierce alone, history repeating.

LeBron smiled. The best thing you could do, Sun-Tzu had said, was to attack the most fragile of assets; to shatter it and deny to other’s it’s advantages. Sun Tzu taught that the best targets are the plans of your enemies. There is no better ally than surprise, no better advantage than a confused foe. LeBron lifted his skull chalice and poured a libation in honor of Detroit. The city kept burning.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.

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