2010 Season Preview: Miami Heat

It's time for the Love in the Time of LeBron 2010 Season Team Previews. You know how we do. Next up, the harbringers of doom, the Miami Heat.

Classification
Mythic

Why We Care
This team has the potential to be the greatest team in basketball history. It's not the most likely course and it's certainly not inevitable, but whenever that possibility is in play, you have to pay attention. This team could be mind-numbingly awesome. They could play a style of basketball that has never been played before. They could leave a trail of scorched earth and ruined buildings in their wake. This team has the potential of uranium ore. They could be mediocre. This is totally true. But where is the ceiling on the best-case scenario? I don't know either, and that's why we will watch very carefully.

Significant Beards
Joel Anthony: Goatee shaped exactly like his head. A deeply unsettling glimpse of infinity.
Chris Bosh: Another flat goatee. Shave this man.
Mario Chalmers: Little hair nubs along his chin. Festive.
Udonis Haslem: A dust ruffle for the chin.
Eddie House: Solid but uninspired. Frozen red velvet cake.
Juwan Howard: Possibly a smudge.
LeBron James: Classic. Of course.
Jamaal Magloire: Barely there. The thong of beards.
Mike Miller: Scraggle. This isn’t actually Spring Break.
Jerry Stackhouse: Another infinity goatee. House of mirrors.
Dwayne Wade: Standard goatee, no upgrades. Cheap.

Guiding Text
Book of Revelation

If They Were A Milkshake They Would Be...
Strawberry.

LeBron on the Heat
He stared at the computer for a while, reading slowly and carefully. He typed for a minute. He hesitated for a second. He pressed a button. He looked at the screen. He closed the laptop quickly. He sat down on the couch and relaxed, staring at the television. Of course it started again. He wanted to change the channel, but felt compelled to watch. If anyone else had been around they would have probably insisted on changing the channel, but LeBron watched and listened. His expression didn’t change, his features half-frozen. His brow was furrowed. They went to commercial. He looked at his phone. The little light in the corner was flashing. It always was. He checked his messages. Without fail, there it was. Unceasing, unfaltering, unforgiving. He typed out a reply, bravado on the tiny keyboard. He felt guilty responding. No he didn’t. He needed to respond.

Everyone was there for dinner that night and it was wonderful. His friends and family all at the massive table by the pool. His boys got in the water and splashed around with the other kids. It had finally started to get a little bit chilly on some nights, but tonight the air was warm and the weather mild. At the table, the men were funny and kind and the women were sharp and gracious. They were all laughing more than talking. When they spoke, they would touch each other;s arms warmly or put a reassuring hand on each other’s shoulder. LeBron excused himself twice during the dinner. The first time he got the beach ball for the kids at the pool. The second time he checked his phone.

Rosetta Stone
This pretty much explains it.