Friday, April 16, 2010

The Shotgun Oracle: 2010 NBA Playoffs

Playoffs start on Saturday and there are a lot of predictions flying through the air about what is going to happen. People are feverishly picking the winners of each round, series, and, indeed, the whole shebang. Here's the sad part about these predictions: Most people aren't going to get it right. There's just too many possibilities for the playoffs and, admittedly, the targets are moving. However, I have developed an award winning system for predicting future events, and, specifically, future professional basketball events: The Shotgun Oracle The Shotgun Oracle harnesses the power of advanced statistics, scouting reports, runic magic, druidic auguries, and wildly throwing out basically every conceivable outcome to come up with accurate predictions of the future. Pioneered at Delphi, but then really developed by Nostradamus, this tactic of throwing out a ton of different guesses and praying one comes true is the new sensation that should make Love in the Time of Lebron your first stop when it comes to basketball prognostication. So let's see what glimpses of the future we can find! To the metaphorical sheep entrails!

  1. The Cavaliers will win the championship. Lebron James is unstoppable in his best year yet, and now that he has help from the Big Nickname and Antawn Jamison, what could stand in his way?
  2. The Cavaliers will be upset. Lebron's rust, Mo William's vanishing act and the Big Senior Citizen will all prove to be deciding factors when the favorites slip up again.
  3. Sun's inability to speak English will play a key part in the struggle for control of the Island.
  4. Rasheed Wallace will get a technical foul for arguing with a referee.
  5. The Lakers will win the championship. Kobe Bryant is an assassin, and the Lakers are the most loaded team in all of basketball. Too much talent to lose.
  6. The Lakers will be not win the championship. Kobe will shoot them out of a game, Artest doesn't know what to do, and Pau Gasol is simply too neck-bearded.
  7. The Hurt Locker will win Best Picture at the Oscars.
  8. The Magic will win the championship. Their team is perfectly built around Dwight Howard and all the players know their role in Stan van Gundy's system.
  9. The Magic will not win the championship. Any team that requires Vince Carter, Rashard Lewis, and Dwight Howard to assert themselves in critical moments is doomed.
  10. Phil Jackson will play mind games with opposing teams
  11. Tim Duncan will protest a call.
  12. The Mavericks will win the championship. Dirk is as clutch as it gets in the closing minutes of any game and the salvaged pieces of Washington add more firepower to an already super-talented team.
  13. The Mavericks will not win the championship. Because I mean, really c'mon, did you honestly think they were the best team in the league at any point this year?
  14. You will woke up one morning and just feel exhausted. It will be like you didn't get any sleep at all, though you won't remember waking up in the middle of the night or anything.
  15. 30 Rock won't be nearly as funny as you remembered it being a couple years ago.
  16. The Hawks will win the championship. The stone-cold guard tandem of Joe and Jamal and the freaky-talented forward tandem of Josh and Al is impossible for any team to effectively match up against.
  17. The Hawks will not win the championship. Their limited offensive repertoire, poor coaching, and reliance on Joe Johnson is simply not enough to go all the way.
  18. The average temperature in the Northern Hemisphere will rise.
  19. Fidel Castro will die.
  20. The Suns will win the championship. You had forgotten how good Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire can be when flanked with quality role players and playing at lightning speed.
  21. The Suns will not win the championship. If this team was going to win, wouldn't they have done it already?
  22. You will get a hair-cut.
  23. Charles Barkley will be ridiculed by Kenny Smith on TNT.
  24. At least three pairs of people will debate whether Stan van Gundy looks more like porn's Ron Jeremy or Ninendo's Mario.
  25. The Celtics will win the championship. They Big Three are older, but Perkins and Rondo have more than made up for any loss of ground by KG, Allen, and Pierce.
  26. The Celtics will not win the championship. Boston is too old, too hurt, and has a terrible coach and even worse chemistry.
  27. The season finale of Lost will be surprising and mind-blowing in some ways, but ultimately be unsatisfying.
  28. President Obama will finally make a clear move towards changing the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
  29. The Nuggets will win the championship. Carmelo's days of secret superstardom end when Denver's speed, athleticism, and skill overruns their stunned opponents.
  30. The Nuggets won't win the championship. They are too undisciplined and out-of-sync these days and the absence of George Karl truly changed the character of the team.
  31. Kobe Bryant will play through an injury and be lauded for his toughness.
  32. You will enjoy some Mexican food.
  33. I will drink too much and regret it.
  34. The Heat will win the championship. Dwyane Wade is amazing, and frankly, you've been sleeping on the Heat all season and should be embarrassed.
  35. The Heat will not win the championship. Dwyane Wade is one man.
  36. The more you learn about Justin Bieber, the weirder you feel.
  37. The Jazz will win the championship. Deron Williams was the best point guard in the league this year and surrounded by supporting players, that's enough.
  38. The Jazz will not win the championship. The loss of Andrei Kirilenko derails the success of the Jazz on both ends of the floor.
  39. Lebron James is actually the smoke monster on Lost.
  40. Merrick B. Garland will emerge as the front-runner to be the nominee for the Supreme Court.
  41. You will need to wash your towels.
  42. The Bucks will win the championship. People will finally come around to Salmons, fall in love with Brandon Jennings, and retroactively deify Bogut.
  43. The Bucks will not win the championship. The Bucks have been a mediocre team all year and losing their best player in Bogut is a death blow.
  44. There will be an earthquake.
  45. The Trailblazers will win the championship and become the gritttiest winning-in-face-of-adversity-and-injury NBA team of all time.
  46. The Trailblazers won't win the championship. The loss of superstar Brandon Roy is simply too much for a team that's already lost so many players.
  47. My girlfriend will watch two games during the playoffs and give up during the third.
  48. There will be a major break-through in the development of pharmaceuticals to treat depression.
  49. The Bobcats will win the championship and prove once and for all that defense, and defense alone, wins championships.
  50. The Bobcats will not win the championship. You can't win basketball without any offense beyond Stephen Jackson.
  51. The US and EU will do some economic something-or-other. Jobs. Inflation. Whatever.
  52. There will be a new movie announced based on a beloved story from your childhood.
  53. You'll see Donald Sutherland at the grocery store.
  54. The Spurs will win the championship because that's all the do.
  55. The Spurs will not win the championship because they are really old. They ought to change their team name to the Mummys!
  56. You will overhear two middle-aged women talking about how "gorgeous" the weather is.
  57. The Bulls will win the championship. Derek Rose is a genius, and when Noah was hurt, you forget how good he is at getting that oil.
  58. The Bulls will not win the championship. The Raptors almost beat them for the last play-off spot.
  59. Ice-T will threaten a drive-by via Twitter.
  60. Brad Miller and Trey Kerby will appear on the popular Canadian television series, Manhunter.
  61. I will ignore baseball.
  62. The Thunder will win the championship. Kevin Durant is too good and his team plays beside him nearly perfectly.
  63. The Thunder will not win the championship. Teams this young don't win championships, especially when dudes named Nenad start at center.
  64. You'll listen to that one album that meant a lot to you as a teenager. You know the one.

1 comment:

  1. a lot of these are good. but #58 honestly made me laugh out loud to an empty room. fuck toronto