Monday, April 26, 2010

My Drunk Girlfriend Watching Basketball II: THE RECKONING

I had a number of really juicy play-off posts, but why bother? I know what you want, dear readers: You want another installment of Elizabeth drinking wine and breaking down ball. So fine. Here you go. I hope this makes you happy. My notes, as is apparently my new custom, will be italicized and can be found lovingly tucked between square brackets.

It's been almost a week, but I'm back to watch basketball again. I've actually watched a little bit since, but didn't write. In one game I watched the other night, at one point Dwane Wade was rolling on the floor clutching his knee, his face contorted in pain. The commentator had some wise words: "He's in some discomfort right now." [Almost certainly Mike Breen] ESPN cut to some commercial with doofy white businessmen cracking wise on an airplane, then back to Wade, still prone on the floor. The other game featured a terrifying blond man-beast who scared me even more than the giant from last week. Both of these things made me too uncomfortable to continue.

However! I've overcome all this just to cover the fourth Jazz-Nuggets matchup, even though I nearly got locked out of my house just before this and I accidentally caught a bit of the Spurs-Mavericks game while waiting, which means I saw the Beast, which means I'll surely have hideous nightmares tonight. Sacrifice, y'all. As of 9:46 p.m., though, it seems as if my wait is nearly over, and I will soon watch the two most-stupidly named teams in the NBA face off in Utah. ANYWAY. Time for some BASKETBALL.

9:51 Points already! Drinking and typing tends to distract me from the matter at hand, which is that two of our fine Nuggets are wearing long yellow sleeves (OK, one sleeve apiece) that don't quite reach their shoulders. Not knowing any single thing about who they are or what's going on with the Nuggets, I declare them Players to Watch. No word yet if they got the sleeves at the same place the Avril Lavinge girls at my high school got theirs, or if they actually got one pack of two sleeves and are sharing them in sort of the NBA equivalent of a split-heart BFF necklace.

They go shopping together.

9:54 One sleeve guy just passed to the other! I think the BFF theory is true.

9:58 Some scary dude just pretty much flew into another dude, claws out, toothy maw wide open. There was no explaination of this, except for the name "Boozer," which surely isn't real. TNT cut to a bunch of commercials (surprise: dorky white dudes!) right after this, which only can lead me to assume that they cut away lest at-home viewers be disturbed by the bloody cannibalistic mauling that surely followed. After learning about a number of fine products that dudes can buy to feel better about their lives, we're back at the game, and the crowd seems unshaken. They must be used to this in Utah.

10:03 One of the Brothers of the Sleeve is Carmelo Anthony, who I have heard of! What Kellen neglected to tell me is that this man is surrounded by a powerful force field; a guy from the Jazz just got thrown backwards through the air as Anthony approached the goal. Godlike! No word on whether his BFF also possesses mystical strengths [Whoops. Never got to that in the team previews. My bad.]. They are just passing back and forth to each other like crazy, though. Do you think the other players get jealous when they show up at practice with matching nail polish and little framed photos of them chilling at the mall or pool together? They're both wearing headbands, too. Don't rub it in, guys.

10:23 After some dude jumps in front of one of the Nuggets, knocking the ball out of his hand: "Now that's a playoff foul right there." What does that mean? It's a real skillful foul? In a playoff of fouls, it would go far? [He means a really hard foul. Reggie loves hard fouls. Or at least the idea of them.]

10:29 OK, Mauler is back, and apparently Boozer really is his name. That shot was pretty majestic, majestic enough that they showed it like three times in increasingly slow slo-mo. Also, one of the commentators noted that he's off to a "great start." Is halfway through the second quarter still the "start?"

10:32 The Nuggets' assistant coach TNT keeps showing looks like your friend's dad who is always pissed off but pretends (with a tightly clenched jaw and narrowed eyes) that he is so goddamn happy to have you over for dinner yet again and that he generally doesn't hate his life and everyone in it. He shouldn't look so mad! Denver is still behind, and even when they score it looks like they did it by accident. Actually, I just take that back: Smith just scored (even though he had to miss once before he got it in) so gracefully that a weird blond guy with too many tattoos slapped him lovingly on the butt afterwards [Chris "Birdman" Anderson]. That's something I can't unsee [Try this].

10:44 Only one sleeve is still on the court, but he just scored. Imagined thought: "I'm dong this for us." Also, I'm kind of frustrated by how one of the Denver players just did a beautiful one-handed shot just now... during a time out. Can you please do that when you can actually get some points? I feel like this happens during every single game and it always drives me nuts. OK, we get that you are capable of majesty, sir. Totally useless majesty.

10:48 The Nuggets coach is yelling at a player, and in the background, a chubby boy with one of the best seats in the arena is slowly unfolding and refolding a piece of paper accordion-style. Behind him, a girl is texting. I see myself in those children.

10:58 What the hell is up with these Avatar commercials? First, there was the thing where the players got distracted by Avatar playing on the jumbotron ("Forget the game, y'all, I think Jake Sully's about to connect with the life tree"), now this: "Return to Pandora now... and witness the drama of the NBA playoffs on TNT?" How are these things related? [Trust me when I say that it's better than last year when they tried to promote that Jack Black / Michael Cera caveman movie] Unless there is an Avatar sequel where aged basketball players get young, lissome avatars that allow them to school a team full of young and rowdy smart-asses, I don't get the connection. Actually, now that I think of it, if you replace the young players with (equally smart-ass) aliens, I think this could be the perfect opportunity for the Space Jam / Avatar crossover I've been waiting for. When this gets made, someone owes me a lot of money.

Also, Charles Barkley is a freak [You have no idea]. On Krispy Kreme doughnuts: "When you're driving, your car just go there! I'm serious! Baby, they melt in your mouth."

11:18 Second half, and the sleeve brothers are BACK. How can things not get better for Denver? Answer: some Jazz guy just made a majestic shot from far away [C. J. Miles. When did he get so good?]. In response, a Denver guy with little baby braids [Nene] did a shot where the ball basically rolled leisurely around the entire rim of the basket before toppling off. If that's what he was going for, then well-played. However, if that is what he was going for, it is unsurprising that Denver is 14 points behind.

11:25 More commercials. Coors clearly thinks that if they advertise during every single game of the playoffs, people will eventually buy the "banquet beer" thing. They are mistaken. Ditto for Taco Bell and the tortada as a real food.

11:33 There is no better use for the replay than showing two players crashing into each other over and over again. If this were the game I watched last week, a comical "BOIIIIING" sound effect would have played just now. As I was typing this, yet another Jazz player fall backwards and down as if repelled by an invisible but potent force. It appears that Carmelo Anthony (possibly with the help of his sleeve twin) has extended the power of his force field over his entire team. Sadly, this may be too little, too late. Speaking of Carmelo, I like to imagine that somewhere, his mother is wishing that he would shave off that stupid tuft of hair under his chin. I don't know who told you that was a beard, but they were probably just sucking up.

11:38 That seemed to be a pretty blatant foul on ole Boozer. Denver, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to just grab someone around the waist. Well, only if you love him very, very much. Speaking of fouls, a guy tumbles smack into the bottom of the goal and it's just "a good old playoff foul." I still don't get what this means. Do they just let awesome examples of violence slide during the playoffs, just cuz? If it looks cool enough on a replay, is it okay?

11:44 Carlos Boozer's favorite book, according to a clip of him reading to schoolchildren: I Can Be Anything. Carmelo Anthony's favorite book, judging by his affinity for matching friendship clothing: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

12:04 Somewhat exciting things since the last time I wrote: even though Carmelo appears to be on the bench, his friend is doing okay and the Jazz's lead is only 11 points. Denver keeps narrowing this for like five seconds, then Utah scores. Come on, y'all. Can you score twice in a row for once? The other team seems to do it all the time. Denver scores beautifully and the difference is now 8 points. Someone fouled, and even though he wasn't involved, I bet the Nugget who was inexplicably crouched on the floor like a frog feels kind of embarrassed that they caught that on camera and replayed it a few times. AIN'T NO RULE SAY THE FROG CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL. [Actually covered under a late 90's rule provision: the "Air" Bud rule. ]

12:23 Carmelo is back, if he was ever gone. Also, they cut to the crowd, and THERE ARE TWO TERRIFYING NEON APES CHEERING FOR UTAH. Who does that? "Oh, you know, just a little something I thought I'd wear to the game... look, honey, I even got you a matching one!" The game's over now, and I feel like Denver could have used more support from people in brightly colored apesuits tonight. Sorry, guys. You always got me.

Portrait of the author

That's it for tonight. I hope you had fun. I'll see you again soon. Remember, next time will be the game that determines whether Kellen's prophecy that I could only get through two full games will come true or not, so I hope I have your support in my attempt to buck fate. Until then, be good, don't drink too much, and stay far, far away from guys who look like this.

There you go. Did you like that? Second time just as good? Leave your thoughts in the comments as well as your suggestion for what game Elizabeth should cover next. It's like NBATV's fan night but with more boxed wine and Google image searches!

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