Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Mock Draft 2009, Part II

Part I is here.

11. Nets
New Jersey, like many teams such as the rival Knicks, are positioning themselves to sign one or more members of the vaunted free agent class of 2010, with the chief prize being Lebron. With this in mind, New Jersey should try to draft pieces to make the Nets more attractive to these free agents. In this case, I think the best move might be to draft Lebron James's mother. With the Nets looking to move Vince Carter, there will be room at the shooting guard position for Lebron's mom's spot up shooting skills and vocal defensive leadership. Her underrated athleticism and ability to potentially lure in the Chosen One make her a can't miss prospect. Surprisingly, Chris Bosh has also said in interviews that he would be more likely to consider New Jersey as a destination if he knew Lebron's mom was playing there.

12. Bobcats
The Bobcats owners, coaches and other front office staff have made Michael Jordan promise to not draft any Carolina guys this year. Torn up by the pathological need to draft either Lawson, Ellington, Hansbrough, or Green, Jordan decides to compromise by drafting someone from Chapel Hill who did not play on the 2009 Championship Team. With the 12th pick, Michael Jordan drafts classic Chapel Hill band Polvo to the Bobcats, where they offer much needed depth at the guitarist position. Suddenly, FreeDarko starts writing a lot more about the Bobcats.

13. Pacers
Expect Larry Bird to look to his experience with the Celtics to inform his take on the draft. Just like in Boston, Larry Bird knows that a quality mythical mount is essential to winning a championship. Who can forget how Bill Russell used his hippogriff mount to win 11 NBA championships? Look for Larry Bird to try to draft a quality mount for Danny Granger such as a unicorn or maybe even a pegasus if one is still available.

14. Suns
The Suns will try to replace an aging Steve Nash with a younger Steve Nash. As such, Phoenix should draft the 13 year old clone that has been growing in a liquid filled tube underneath the Phoenix home court. As part of his rookie contract, Steve Nash agreed to research and develop the technology necessary to clone himself. The clone, as fas as anyone knows, has been growing according to schedule. Now, some GM's might be skeptical about drafting a thirteen year old, but remember, Ricky Rubio was only 14 when he started playing overseas and Steve Nash himself has vowed to invent some sort of consciousness transferring or time compression technology to help allow his heir to step in with near complete continuity. Assuming that the clone has not become a terrible abomination in the eyes of God and a horrible affront to nature bent on murder, this plan should work out quite well.

15. Pistons
The Pistons need to consider their long term plans and financial situation. They should give some strong thought to trying to sell this pick for some cash, which Detroit desperately needs. They could make it appealing to other teams by packaging the pick with a fleet of Ford Tauruses and the capitalist relics from the sacred temple of Ford himself. Anyway a few locks of a captain of industry's hair, some domestic sedans, and the fifteenth pick in the draft should be enough to entice some team to hand over some cash, giving them the financial flexibility to make a splash on the free agent scene.

15. Bulls
Coming off a wildly successful season after drafting Rookie of the Year Derrick Rose, Chicago should try to replicate that drafting success. While it might be trickier to accomplish this with the 16th pick, Chicago could always try to trade. up. If this isn't possible, I would recommend simply drafting Derrick Rose again considering how well that worked out last year.

17. 76ers
If Ty Lawson is stupidly still available, Philadelphia should take him.

18. Timberwolves
With all of the caribou, moose, and larger game off the board, Minnesota should draft for value and select the best available option of those remaining in the draft. Be it a a white-tailed deer, a beaver, or even just some lemmings, the T'Wolves should just try to satiate their hunger as best they can lest the rest of the team turn on Kevin Love and rip his body apart.

19. Hawks
Impressed by the impact that the live Hawk mascot had swooping around the Atlanta arena during playoffs, expect the Hawks to try to upgrade at this position with a much bigger bird. An eagle seems like a likely choice, though the particular kind is open to much speculation. If the Hawks are willing to move up in size and sacrifice a little agility and maneuverability for size, an albatross might be a good choice.

20. Jazz
Many people expect that Salt Lake City will select a clean cut, heartland farmboy looking, white dude whose name rhymes with Mansbrough to play in the land of clean cut, heartland farmboy looking white dudes. This thinking is wrong. EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: The Utah Jazz are drafting Lil Wayne because Jerry Sloan also loves autotune, free style mixtapes, and recreational use of codeine cough syrup and also because Kirilenko won't party with him anymore.

Picks 21-30 are in part III.

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