Monday, October 19, 2009

2009-10 Team Previews: Philadelphia 76ers

Welcome to another special installment in the web's best NBA team previews. So special that you will be filled with specialness and specially special and a special sense of the special. To check out all the entries in the series, you can click here.

Today, we will be discussing the Philadelphia 76ers, a team that is best known for all the great players it used to have. It is currently known for no longer having any of these great players. It also has the distinction of possibly being the team I care least about, a title that I think is going to make the citizens of Sacramento, Memphis, and Milwaukee very jealous.

Team That I Care Least About

Things I Like
Philadelphia is a swell city. I enjoy its patriotic landmarks, cream cheese-spread, and at least one television show set in this fair city. It is my understanding that Will Smith, amongst other fine citizens of the world, was born in Philadelphia. Basketball-wise, Dr. J, Charles Barkley, and Allen Iverson are three of my all-time favorite players. Great guys, I love all of them. Also... cheese steak is delicious?

Look, if pressed, I'd say that Andre Iguodala is a fine player who can change the game. Also, Thaddeus Young and Marreese Speights are cult heroes in the making. So there.

Oh and Elton Brand produced Werner Herzog's Rescue Dawn. Seriously. So that's rad.

Things I Don't Like
Elton Brand has done nothing the past few years and while I get that he's been injured, I can't fight the feeling that he's overrated. Also, Lou Williams is the starting point guard? Maybe he'll surprise us all, but that's really suspect.

Other than that... Well, it's really hard to actively hate or dislike something you don't care about.

The best case scenario for the Philadelphia 76ers lies in the ability of ghosts to possess and control the actions of living human beings. Specifically, time-traveling ghosts. The only way that the 76ers are going to be compelling is if the ghosts of Allen Iverson, Dr. J, and Charles Barkley possess the bodies of the current players and use some kind of supernatural puppetry to propel them towards great feats. These three were and are legends. Andre Iguodala? I mean, he's a less scintillating Gerald Wallace.

Look, Philadelphia: I want to love you. AI is my favorite player and he spent years pouring all of his blood, sweat, and tears for this team and all you wanted to talk about is practice. Now the best you can hope for is that the time traveling ghost of Allen Iverson possesses Lou Williams and unleashes a reign of terror upon the rest of the league.

The time traveling ghost scenario becomes true and Lou Williams starts breaking down Rajon Rondo on wicked crossovers and pouring in 30 points a game. Unfortunately, in Memphis, a broken shell of a hero takes notice and sees something familiar in the way that Lou Williams calmly steps over Mo Williams. Present-day Allen Iverson hires an old priest and a young priest to come with him to Philadelphia to try to exorcise future-ghost-AI from the tormented and mortal frame of Lou Williams. Its a grisly sight to watch the malevolent spirit rip free of poor Lou Williams flesh and even more shocking to see the spirit seek refuge in the familiar host of the Answer himself. Iverson, now with dueling personas struggling within him along with the unknowable secrets of time and space, turns completely transcendent and wins twelve straight games down the stretch for the Grizzlies. It will be just like Game One of the Finals against the Lakers.

Philadelphia misses the playoffs. Broken, Lou Williams is forced into early retirement.

Relevant Media

Eh. Cross your fingers for the time-traveling ghost scenario and enjoy Iguodala's highlights, but otherwise... eh.

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