Consider Shaq's Music Videos

So here’s the thing about Shaq: He is interesting. He does lots of things. Most of them don’t really relate to basketball all that much, but as that is kind of the purview of the blog, Shaq is going to be a topic of frequent discussion at Love in the Time of LeBron, even if that discussion is basically just, “Isn’t it weird how Shaq hangs out with young, male, teenage pop stars?” The point is that I mostly really like Shaq and enjoy talking about his hobbies and side projects. It’s basically, pretty much like this.

In any case, I thought that we could take some time to get to know Shaq’s work a little better. Specifically the hip-hop singles, and even more specifically, the music videos. While it’s tempting to dismiss his rap career as inconsequential and his musical output as the equivalent to vanity publishing, it’s not fair and not true. Shaq is not Ron Artest. His first album, Shaq Diesel, went platinum. The second, Shaq Fu, went gold. His singles consistently charted and all four of his released albums were released on a major label. Shaq, as a rapper, seems like he should be a mere footnote, but his commercial impact is undeniable. For comparison, Shaq’s success with singles on the U.S. Rap chart is comparable to, and arguably better than, a hip hop luminary like Ghostface Killah. Shaq’s rap career, somehow, kind of matters. So if I’ve succeeded in persuading you, let’s move on to some goofy-ass shit.

What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)

This is actually a Fu-Schnickens song and video and not a Shaquille O’Neal single, but it’s important, because it’s the first time we get a taste, albeit a very small one of Shaq’s rapping abilities. Released in 1993, this song was a fairly cynical attempt to salvage a song based around a Bugs Bunny sample that Fu-Shnickens couldn’t get clearance for. Instead, Fu-Schnickens decided to actively seek out Shaq, who had listed the group as his favorite hip hop artists. Shaq was happy to contribute a sort-of verse tacked onto the end of the song, say, “What’s up doc?” in lieu of Bugs Bunny, and appear in the video. The verse is a short, so-so affair which includes a number of regrettable boasts such as “Forget Tony Danza; I’m the boss,” a few nonsensical words rhymed together, and a nice little slam on Christian Laettner for failing to be the number one pick in the 1992 NBA draft. The video is a kinetic affair, featuring a lot of movement, probably over-animated word art, and Shaq hopping up and down while wearing a giant vest. It sounds deeply silly but it was a big hit, a Top 40 smash, and the most-famous Fu-Schnickens would ever be, which is a shame, because it’s actually kind of an awesome song even if it is by a group called “Fu-Schnickens.”

(I Know I Got) Skillz

The first Shaq single! It’s off of Shaq Diesel and was his highest charting success, reaching the third spot on the U.S. rap charts. The video is a fairly simple affair, featuring a smoking tractor trailer slowly backing up until Shaq bursts out, jumping onto a giant logo of his name and rapping to the assembled street party. Shaq is wearing what appears to be, again, one very large vest. Occasionally the music video is intercut with shots of Shaq walking down a different street during the day wearing a different vest. The rap itself is a standard braggadocio-ridden, ranting answer to the question, “Could Shaquille O’Neal possibly be any good at rapping?” And Shaq, in his rapping answer, wants to assure you that, while you may not know yet, he certainly knows that he posses the requisite skills. Here is a sampling of said skills:

“You better than Shaq-tack? Fool! Shut up, liar
I lean on the Statue of Liberty when I get tired
Then I’ll punch you in the stomach, I don’t give a heck”

He certainly doesn’t. This song also features Def Jef, who, according to Wikipedia (which I checked because I have never heard of Def Jef) apparently used to write criticially-acclaimed sociopolitical lyrics. More recently, however, he wrote the theme song to That’s So Raven. That’s so Def Jef, I guess.

I’m Outstanding

From the name, you might think that this song is mostly boasting in the same vein as “Skillz,” but it's much closer to a biography, loosely describing Shaq’s experience growing up. Instead of a gripping tale of danger, brutal poverty and the temptation of the streets, we instead get the story of a poor family, headed up by very loving and supportive parents who helped Shaq stay motivated to succeed in basketball. There is little to no conflict and honestly, it plays more like a Newark, NJ version of “Coal Miner’s Daughter” than anything else:

“Times are hard, times are rough
Didn't have Toys R Us toys, but I had enough love
Plus the guidance from above
To go to the park, sweatin' push and shove”

In general, though the story is kind of boring, the flow is more inspired than “Skillz.” The song also features a rad beat, probably the only hip-hop references to Dennis Scott and Nick Anderson ever, and a video that’s passable except for a regrettable over-use of green-screen effects: instead of showing Shaq rapping at a variety of fairly bleak Newark locales, they have instead filmed these locations and then used a green screen to super-impose Shaq. At some points, this effect is used to make Shaq seem even bigger than normal, stomping down the streets like some kind of New Jersey Godzilla, but most of the time, it just seems like Shaq just didn’t have the time to film on location. No better way to celebrate where you are from than to refuse to actually go back . Which is a shame, because some of the footage from Newark is really lovely in a bitterly-beautiful-urban-decay kind of way.

Shoot Pass Slam

The third single, from Shaq Diesel, this track holds the distinction of being the least successful of any single that Shaq released, and watching the video you come to understand that the governing principle behind this single was laziness. The video actually manages to include no newly filmed footage, but rather recycles a blend of footage from “Skillz,” NBA highlights, and a one minute Reebok commercial that features the song and alternates between Shaq wearing a vest and a jersey (dude, just hates sleeves, maybe?). The effect isn’t too bad, but when most of the non-NBA footage comes from a shoe commercial and an old video, you are in totally laughable territory. Shaq tried to make up for it by releasing a average and marginally acceptable video of a live performance of “Shoot Pass Slam” that is also intercut with some NBA highlights, which is totally acceptable since young Shaq is awfully impressive, basketball-wise. His rhyming? Less so.

The song is based on a simple premise: If Mr. O’Neal is given the ball would you prefer for him to shoot, pass, or slam the ball? Shaq knows his limitations and agrees with your assessmentL he would be happy to slam the ball for you. The rest of the verses are, much like the video, kind of a retread of “Skillz,” where Shaq spends most of his time boasting and describing how great a basketball player he is, mixed in with playful, Method Man-esque nonsense words and nursery rhyme riffing. Overall it’s not bad, and I prefer Shaq bragging about his basketball skill than Shaq bragging about his rapping skills (though he does that too). There’s also a lot of unneccesary pop-culture references, but hey, it’s hip hop: those are allowed.

“I’m a rookie. Clint Eastwood. Martin Sheen.
AHHHHH! Leave me alone. I’m turning green.”

Biological Didn’t Bother

The first single off of Shaq Fu: Da Return, this song is, as the title suggests, a song that deals with Shaq’s abandonment by his biological father. However, instead of being about his biological father, most of the song is about Shaq’s relationship with his step-dad. It’s actually all pretty sweet, filled with admiration, memories of good times, and even a knowing and wise perspective on conflict between young Shaq and wise Phil. In this regard, it’s very much the sequel to “Outstanding” in terms of tone and content. Of course, underneath the verses there is an undeniably bitter and angry tone, most evident in the pointed chorus (“He took me from a boy to a man so Phil is my father, cause my biological didn't bother.”) and the final verse, which closes:

“He ain’t gettin’ no check from me (check it)
He can go on all the talk shows he want
Phil is my dad so don’t even front.”

Yikes. I hate to say this, since Shaq clearly is wearing his heart on his sleeve with this song, but, as earnest as the song is, it’s not very good. The slower rhymes and narrative-approach prevent him from engaging in any free-association word play and the subject of the song stops him from playing to his main strength: bragging about how great Shaq is. The beat is a bit of unremarkable mid-90’s G-funk and the video is pretty forgettable unless you just love literal interpretations of the scenes described in the song and shots of Shaq in a windbreaker driving around in a convertible with his step-dad.

No Hook

This is a Wu-Tang joint, make no respect. Produced by the RZA, and featuring rhymes by RZA and Method Man, Shaq’s contribution in the middle verse makes him seem an interloper in his own song. That said, Shaq does a good job of blending in: freed from the constraints of making sense and allowed to run wild with free-association, he fits in well with the Wu-Tang sensibility and his work on the track is pretty comparable to the phoned-in rhymes of Method Man and RZA.

“Always & forever, forever always attack,
I bring flava to ya ear; like Craig Mack.
Life's a B and then you D, refer to Nasty Nas Illmatic;
CD, #3 Static.
You don't want none, you best to keep lookin',
A-E-I-O-U's an ass-whoopin’”

All-in-all, a great Shaq track and a mediocre Wu-Tang one. The video is also pretty excellent, again feeding more into the Wu-Tang aesthetic than anything that’s identifiably consistent with Shaq’s work. The video is a murky mix of dark industrial settings and close-ups in high contrast black and white, cutting and fading quickly into each other for an impressionistic look at what appears to be the three protagonists inside a meat packing warehouse, where, ironically, they are surrounded by literal hooks, which hang, sinisterly from the ceiling. Also, for no real reason, since the song contains the RZA line, “Gold nugget fangs punch holes inside your jugular,” they are all wearing gold grills that feature bizarre vampire fangs. It’s totally weird, but I’m not going to lie, sinister giant gangster vampire is a good look for Shaq.

You Can’t Stop the Reign

"You Can’t Stop the Reign" is the first single from the album of the same name. The album version of this song features a few verses from none other than the Notorious B.I.G. However, in a move that should probably be considered “fucking stupid,” the video version omits the Biggie verses in favor of Shaq. I mean, it makes sense: why would you want to include one of the greatest living rappers at the peak of his powers when you could have more Shaq? In any case, though Biggie may be excised from the single, his influence is felt anyway: the song feels like a Biggie song, with it’s slinky grooves and languid beats referencing “Big Papa” pretty heavily. Likewise, the song is preoccupied with the mafioso, kingpin thematics that dominated rap of the day, largely as a result of Biggie’s influence. The video takes its cues from Shaq’s story about the T.W.is.M. (“The World is Mine”) “family” and his rhymes about the high-rolling life-style. Well, sort of.

This video features a series of bizarre and elaborate scenes with Shaq as mafioso don, Shaq as commander in some sort of high-tech bunker, and finally Shaq as Enrico Gates, who has glowing red eyes and who the video thoughtfully denotes as “Evil Shaq.” All of this is fairly standard fare for the time and evil alter egos are a dime a dozen in hip hop, but the video really takes a turn when mafioso Shaq confronts Enrico Gates at a T.W.is.M. family board meeting. While Shaq is happy to present Enrico with a mysterious briefcase, Enrico is less happy to find that the briefcase is filled with You Can’t Stop the Reign CDs. I know; I’d be furious too. So then, ninjas burst through the windows a ong with a muscled henchman who is wielding some kind of net launcher. Gates’ minions try to net Shaq and his entourage and are largely successful.

Then, shit gets weird: Shaq reveals his Wolverine-esque metal claws that shoot out of his knuckles and uses them to free himself from the net. Shaq then tries to escape the increasing escalation of forces that are being sent after him. While Gates is originally content to send a few motorcycles and helicopters after Shaq, this quickly and absurdly escalates as an entire airforce worth of helicopters, jets, and flying saucers pursue Shaq, who abruptly stops the chase for an old-timey newspaper photo shoot before resuming his escape. Then, as Shaq is escaping, the twist is revealed via a freeze frame and the text suddenly appearing on the screen: GAME OVER. The whole thing was a video game! The camera reveals a happy youngster who was playing this game. Well-played, Shaq.

Okay, so it’s a stupid twist, but I admire the fact that this video tries to do something beyond merely illustrating the lyrics or showing Shaq performing. Likewise, the song itself is probably the best-crafted of all of Shaq’s singles for what that’s worth, and as far as the beats go, “sounds like a Biggie song” isn’t a bad diagnosis. Not a great song, but pretty good, particularly for Shaq.

Strait Playin

Honestly, any follow up to “You Can’t Stop The Reign” was bound to be disappointing, but this seems particularly lame. A bland, milquetoast bragging track about Shaq’s skills as a basketball player, rapper, and partier, this track has more in common with “Skillz” than any of his more recent work. The beat, produced by DJ Quik, lazily references the West Coast sound (auto-tune, bouncy drums) as the lyrics loosely reference Shaq’s trade to the L.A. Lakers. This is the most generic sounding of Shaq’s singles and it just doesn’t offer much lyrically. Sadly, neither does the video: just the mid-90s standards of wide-angle lenses, crews driving in cars, and pretty girls partying and dancing. There are a few highlights: one of the girls dancing in the bathroom (yeah, I know), pulls out a green-feathered boa from the toilet and begins dancing with it. Feathered boas in a few different colors appear throughout the video (it is the era of Clueless), but only one is pulled out of a toilet. Oh, and for some reason, DJ Quik is just chilling with an albino Burmese python around his neck for the last half of the video. So there’s that.

Men of Steel

Of course, aside from being a rapper and basketball player, Shaq is also a world-class film actor. You knew that right? Well, in his follow-up to Kazaam, Shaq chose a project based on comic book hero Steel. Of course, Shaq couldn’t just star in the movie, he had to be on the soundtrack and merely including “Strait Playin’” was not enough. Thus, the Steel-themed posse track “Men of Steel” was born. Featuring Ice Cube, KRS-One, B-Real, Peter Gunz (who also appears on “Strait Playin’”), and, of course, Mr. O’Neal, the track is kind of banging. Freed of any lyrical constraints except the general theme of being Men of Steel, the rappers are free to let loose with free-association bragging about how steely they are. Fortunately, this tack plays to Shaq’s strengths and the single-verse limit gives him fewer spots to slip up.

“The best thing since grits & fake tits
Man Of Steel who you with?
I'm so fly when I walk I levitate
My caliber's first rate. Exceptional; above great.”

The beats are nice and the video keeps it simple: the posse standing around a foundry, filled with molten metal and sparks. Not exactly inspired, but not totally stupid which we are going to count as a win. Shaq elects to go with a jeans, tank-top and sun glasses look that actually makes him look like a massively muscled bad-ass. Was it so hard to stop with the vests?

The Way It’s Going Down

This single features the same crew who did “Strait Playin’,” which understandably sank my heart. Fortunately, though DJ Quik uses the same elements he used in “Strait Playin’” but gets a much stronger effect. Likewise, Peter Gunz officially cements his status as Shaq’s sidekick by appearing in three Shaq singles in a row, a fact that he seems to be pretty proud of, considering his boast, “Now me and Shaq is like Batman and Robin,” which is totally true if we are talking the George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell incarnations. Shaq’s rapping is inoffensive to the point of self-parody when he admonishes Peter Gunz:

“Yo, just rock your roll, dog
And kill 'em wit silence
You never get nowhere using violence “

So true, Shaq. Aside from that, the lyrics are a potpourri of leftovers from “You Can’t Stop the Reign” and “Strait Playin’,” which means that there are a lot of empty lines about how great it is to be rich. Nothing to write home about. The video, likewise, is kind of bland, though it features quite a few stupid cameos, namely Oscar de la Hoya, Steven Segal, and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. It truly was 1998.

Connected

This was the first and only single off of Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends Vol. 1 an album that was scheduled to be released September 11, 2001. As you might imagine, that didn’t happen. The album was delayed and then ultimately scrapped, the terrorists winning that round. Fortunately for us patriots, this single was released anyway. Featuring WC and Nate Dogg, this track seems markedly different from any of the other singles Shaq had released up to this point. The difference all seems to be confidence. In the span between “The Way It’s Going Down” and “Connected,” Shaq had led the Lakers to two consecutive NBA titles and claimed two NBA Finals MVP trophies for himself, which, of course, served as nice bookends for his regular season MVP he won in 2000. In the post-Jordan void, Shaq began to actually live up to the boasts he’d been making for the better part of the decade. When your swagger is indisputable, it changes you. The more confident Shaq of “Connected” rhymes effortlessly and projects a grown-man’s menace that young Shaq never could muster. When he says, “I am the future of the game, ain’t no stopping this,” in 2000, we believe him.

Strong contributions from WC and Nate Dogg help this single stand out, though the video does no such favors, serving up a bland melange of party scenes in the standard hip hop idiom. A nice prologue sequence of Shaq angrily dunking on a basket on an empty court is the best that the video offers. However, despite the video, the song is largely a success, and it’s a nice snapshot of Shaq at his most dominant, both on and off the court. It’s too bad that his difficulties with Kobe would shorten his unstoppable reign (Wade renaissance aside), because the two other singles that were planned from Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends Vol. 1 were kind of.... good. “In the Sun” shows Shaq complementing Common and Black Thought rather nicely on the ?uestlove produced track, while "Do it Faster" offers maybe the best flow I’ve heard from Shaq, albeit in the service of a raunchy Trina-hooked, Twista-versed lyrical sex romp. It’s times like these when you really appreciate how much we lost in 9/11.

Epilogue
While there are indisputably better rappers in the world, there are many successful rappers who are a whole lot worse than Shaquille O’Neal. He’s too talented to dismiss as a mere novelty, and he certainly showed off his chameleon’s gift to change his flow to match a given sound, capable of approximating distinct styles with ease. This versatility is cool because it let’s his body of singles stand in as a compressed history of the major currents of hip hop in the nineties, with representatives of G-funk, mafioso rap, the sparse Wu-Tang sound, and the “jiggy” style among others all co-existing in Shaq’s discography. In this way, Shaq serves as an over-sized, goofy, admittedly, mostly mediocre Rosetta Stone of nineties hip hop.

But, what does Shaq’s rap career mean? Let’s take him at face value. Shaq’s not laying down long-winded, gritty street narratives and his stepdad-loving, mom-respecting, hardworking-but-well-behaved side rises to the top far too often to give those narratives much credibility. At heart Shaq is a goody-goody with a cornball sense of humor, and no matter how clever he gets at talking tough, he probably shares more with Justin Bieber and Aaron Carter than he does with B-Real or Method Man. What does Shaq think of Shaq? Well, with a wink and a smile, he thinks he’s awesome. Who are we to disagree?

Shaq and Bieber Deja Vu

Once upon a time, I wondered who was the most Wu-Tang player in the NBA, and had to ultimately acknowledge that it couldn't be anyone but Shaquille O'Neal. Lots of things tilt the scales in his favor, but the one thing that's impossible to argue with is a rap single featuring RZA and Method Man. Checkmate.

Of course, Shaq is full of contradictions, and the Big Everything has loved nothing more than appearing in every music video he can, regardless of genre, style, or well, regardless of anything. This, totally obviously, led to Shaq inexplicable witnessing the rapture in an Owl City music video.

So now, there is this and well, this. Shaq and boy-wonder Justin Bieber are now, apparently, BFFs, a sacred bond consecrated by their serenading and dancing. And that's all well and good, but it gave me a really weird sense of deja vu.

It's because we have seen Shaq as BFF's with a young teenage pop star before. Search the recesses of your mind and summon forth the memory of Aaron Carter and Shaq's friendship. It was weird then, but it made a little more sense in that Aaron Carter (or I guess his handlers) had written a whole song about he beat Shaq, so I guess they had to meet to at least make the incredible video?

Right. Totally average stuff. And it's really normal that for the second time in his career, Shaq is spending his spare time hanging out with really young teenage boy pop stars. Nope, not weird at all. Also, totally Wu-Tang. Totally.

Ty Lawson Needs to Make Sure He Logs Out of Twitter

Ty Lawson is one of my favorite basketball players. Incredible at Carolina, his rookie season in the NBA promised even greater things to come. The other reason I like Ty? Dude's really funny. Unfortunately for him, his boys like a good joke every now and then too, even if that joke mostly consists of using Ty's Twitter to post a lot about how much he loves man-meat. Repeatedly. Unendingly. There's still no end in sight to the posts on his Twitter, but for posterity's sake, I've saved some of the first ones:

Oh, man-meat jokes.

UPDATE: Apparently, Ty didn't like what was posted and deleted it. Good thing we can remember it forever here.

Here is where you can find me talk about Juwan Howard (allegedly) giving people herpes twice. Here is where I watched The Decision with my drunk girlfriend who enjoys cracking wise. Here is where I gave out some fake bloggy awards to players.

Dr. Pepper, Sunglasses, and Herpes

You remember that time about a year ago when I pointed out that weird thing where former Virginia Tech stand out A.D. Vassallo was desperately asking every basketball player he could find on Twitter about what to do since he went undrafted? Of course you do! Who could forget?

Well, did you ever wonder what happened to him? It doesn't matter! I'm telling you anyway! Don't worry; it's a happy ending. Last season, Vassallo was great for Paris-Levallois where he was fourth in the French league in scoring with 17.7 points per game. He also put together some pretty respectable all-round stats, while shooting the ball damn well. He led his team to the play-offs and basically played himself into the Euroleague by earning a spot on ASVEL Villeurbanne, which was apparently the once and future crown jewel of French club basketball these days. Tony Parker owns 20%! So, well done A.D. Vassallo, I'm glad your Twitter desperation turned out okay for you!

The real question: Why was I so curious about A.D. Vassallo's fate? Well, it's because I learned something silly about him and I had to share it with you: According to ShamSports, A.D. Vassallo was arrested during college for shoplifting a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper. Wow. This is beyond hilarious.

This brings me to the main point: ShamSports is amazing! I found that fun factoid about Mr. Vassallo while perusing a page dedicated to tracking the legal troubles of all the players in or on the fringe of the NBA. It is comprehensive and totally great. Check it out! So far, my favorite entry has to be Juwan Howard's page, which details how he was accused of stealing a pair of expensive sunglasses as well as knowingly spreading genital herpes. Twice. That's the kind of thing you'd only expect out of a dude like Troy Murphy.

I had always relied on ShamSports for the amazingly detailed salary information, but I had overlooked all the oddball stuff like the criminal histories page. I will not make that mistake again. It is a special delight for the obsessive compulsive freak-show fan to go through every team salary page and check the mouse-over of ever single player's name in case there is a hilarious hidden joke about said player's contract. Even better are the player cards for each and every NBA player and fringe prospect which feature lots of useful information and then an anagram of the player's name. Example: A.D. Vassallo = "Oval salads".

I know this sounds stupid, but anagrams are the best. As a reference, it's indisputably one of the very best basketball sites there is and the writing on the blog is sweet, sweet heroin to the overzealous basketball fan. It's a great place to find out what happened to players like (completely pulled-out-of-the-air example here) A.D. Vassallo. In these slow days of early August, ShamSports is a lifesaver to idiot obsessives who want to know more about Beno Udrih's brother and what the hell is up with Nene's contract. So, long story short, this one's for you, idiot obsessives, fans of anagrams, and people who like to steal Dr. Pepper.

If you are less interested in stealing Dr. Pepper and more interested in how Channing Frye spent his off-season, click here. Likewise, if you are less interested in anagrams and more interested in my drunk girlfriend's reactions to The Decision, you can click here. If you'd rather have my drunk girlfriend's reaction to the NBA Draft, that is here. If you want serious and trenchant analysis... well, it's a big Internet.

The Worst: Hipsters in Basketball Jerseys

I liked it when it was just this thing, but hate it now that it's come to this other thing. Unsurprisingly, it's pretty obvious whose fault this is, and we should bear grudges accordingly.

My Memphis Grizzlies Iverson jersey will just have to gather dust.

Offseason Shenanigans

What do NBA players do in the off-season? Lots of players take different approaches.  Obviously, it's a big time for free agent negotiations, high-level conditioning with their training staff, and international competition. Lots of guys also take much-deserved vacations, sometimes with a little spiritual awakening and education included.

So, let's take a look at what some of the Love in the Time Of LeBron Award Winners did this off-season:

This one dude made some sort of decision to join the Miami Heat. No, not Eddie House, whatshisname. You know. Damn it's on the tip of my tongue. In any case, afterwards, he celebrated like this. There was no fall out from any of these events and everyone continued to love this player.

Speaking of televised idiocy, Shaq spent most of the summer competing against people on his show, Shaq vs. In tonight's season debut, which, by total coincidence happens to be just around the time details about his deal with the Celtics became public, he competed in a spelling bee and raced Dale Earnhardt Jr. Here is a picture of Shaq trying to fit into a race car.

In less douchey news, Channing Frye is hosting a charity adult kickball tournament in Portland. Of course he is. According to the tournament's website the tournament will last all day and include a "stage with music, food, beer garden, yard games and activities including a bouncy castle!" Of course it will. Damn you and your likability, Channing Frye.

In other childhood-sports-co-opted-by-grown-ass-adults news, Ron Artest decided to get in shape for the off-season the only way he knew how: by crashing a dodgeball game.

Oh, Ron. At least he's in good company.

The Decision

Before the ultimate special about the hero/villain of our age, I thought I’d have a summit with my drunk girlfriend to talk about the issues of free agency and blog The Decision together. I would now like to open the floor to Elizabeth’s opening statement:

E: Am I really qualified to speak if I’m not drunk yet? I’ll save my more complicated and sophisticated theories and comments for a time when I’m even better able to articulate them, but I’d like to open by expressing my excitement, and also my deep disappointment.
K: Does the booze really give you the magic of analysis? No! The magic has always been inside you. Or some shit. That said, why are you disappointed?
E: Location. As far as I can tell, this was the perfect (and some might say only appropriate) chance to bring the NBA to International Waters by holding this conference in a truly neutral site. Plus, who doesn’t like a party on a boat? This shit could’ve been nautical themed. Just imagine all that would entail. Don’t tell me the boys and girls would have been opposed to this.
K: They are doing this in a Connecticut suburb. Isn’t everything in Connecticut suburbs sort of jauntily nautically themed?
E: A nautical theme without actual water is like LeBron without a towel draped handsomely about his manly neck.
K: Speaking of, let’s talk about the man of the hour and then speculate about all the other free agent action you’ve been so closely following.

LeBron
K: I’m kind of not sure what the point of the special is. Everyone thinks he’s going to Miami.
E: When did everyone decide that? Also, not to push this too far, but if he goes to Miami, that makes the Decision-on-a-Boat thing even more of a wasted opportunity. He could have just cruised there!
K: Apparently, people close to him kind of leaked the story. Also he rented out somewhere around six cabanas for this weekend in Miami. That’s why people are assuming, though nothing official from anyone. In any case, let’s assume he goes to Miami. How do you think that will work with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh?
E: I assume they’ll have a good time? You know I got that cute picture of Misters Wade and James. I drew hearts all over it, but they were kind of already there. So I predict more love and joy. However, I am concerned about the sexy fun and summer heat he might find in Miami. We all know neither of these things have been there to distract him in Cleveland. It might have a negative effect on his work ethic. I cite Smith 1998:

Miami the place and the sun set low
Everyday like a Mardi Gras, everybody party all day
No work, all play, okay

K: Fair points all. That said, I understand Cleveland is pretty much just like that too.

Other Possible Destinations for LeBron
K: Speaking of which, this might not be a done deal. There are lots of other places still potentially in the running for the LeBron sweepstakes: Cleveland, Chicago, New York, New Jersey, and the L.A. Clippers all had meetings with the man this past weekend. Where do you think LeBron should go?
E: I say Chicago. He would look good in red, and I think Patches needs someone to look up to.
K: Well, I guess you haven’t heard the news. Guess who is coming to Chi-town? I’ll give you a hint: he has a terrifying gaping maw of razor sharp teeth, but is not a tyrannosaurus or a shark.

Carlos Boozer
E: MAULER. You know, I am worried about him taking a chunk out of someone’s arm, just cause, but I think LeBron probably can stand up to him. Also, it’s a well known fact of mystical pseudo-truths that there needs to be balance and harmony blah blah blah so it’s probably good to add a princely figure like LeBron to the team if a thousand-toothed beast is going to be running around, swallowing all that is good and pure. Oh, and also looking dumb.
K: Speaking of which, how do you think Boozer will play with his new frontcourt mate Joakim Noah?
E: You know, I worry about Patches sometimes. I think he’ll be OK if he avoids getting possessed by whatever depraved and hungry demon took control of Boozer years ago. I’m pretty sure demons are transmitted similarly to athlete’s foot, so if Patches keeps his shoes on, he should be fine.
K: Devil. Boozer went to Duke. And yes, although it bears mentioning that infernal interference is usually sexually transmitted if years of watching b-movies are to be believed. Not to cast aspersions on to Coach K.
E: You are casting aspersions with joy. I’m a little relieved to know this, though; Patches seems like the type of dude who never wears shoes except on the court.
K: You know who Patches has his shoe deal with?
E: Crocs? Sketchers? I think he’s a shoe wild card. I can see him wearing some weird canvas slip-ons. So probably those.
K: Le Coq Sportif. Seriously.
E: Don’t be unpleasant. Everyone loves le coq.
K: ...

Amar'e Stoudemire
K: Let’s check in on some of your other buddies from your days of hard-hitting play-off coverage. First things-first: Booze check.
E: Going slow! My hands are busy commentating, not freighting alcohol toward my mouth.
K: Le coq jokes don’t write themselves.
E: Are you sure about that?
K: Fair enough. Take a break to take a hearty sip of your drink, and then tell me your thoughts on this: Goggles has left the Phoenix Suns, the only team he has known, for the bustling metropolis of New York. Amar’e Stoudemire is a Knickerbocker. Tell me what your heart says and then tell me what your mind says.
E: I think those goggles will play well in Brooklyn. I think he will be bewildered if they catch on. Which they will. Which is terrible. Also, I don’t think that was really my mind commenting, so my heart has something to add: he’s going to leave Baby Dragon all alone with Steve Nash? Really, Goggles? I thought you had his back.
K: Steve Nash has Baby Dragon’s back. Although I guess that’s the problem?

Channing Frye
K: Some good news from the Valley of the Sun: Channing Frye signed a 5 year $30 contract to keep playing with the Suns! Let us sing the praises of the best 6’11” three point shooting center in all of basketball!
E: Praises sung.
K: That’s all? Elizabeth, Channing Frye is a beloved basketball icon.
E: I belove him a little too much, I think. You may think I’ve forgotten about my dream team, but it’s still coming. And he is well honored there.
K: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Other Free Agency Stories
K: So let’s talk about the other exciting stories of free agency in a HIGH OCTANE RAPID FIRE FASHION. You ready for this?
E: No?
K: LET’S GO! Joe Johnson is getting paid over $120 million to play for the Hawks for the next six years. Thoughts?
E: I don’t think that’s a real person.
K: Rudy Gay is also being overpaid in the $100 million dollar range by the Memphis Grizzlies. Insights?
E: And I don’t think that’s a real team.
K: Famous bust Darko Milicic is being paid $20 million to play for the Minnesota Timberwolves for the next four years. HARD HITTING ANALYSIS?
E: Have fun trying to spend $20 million in Minnesota. I predict long winter nights watching QVC.
K: Be-bearded center Drew Gooden signed a $32 million dollar contract for the Milwaukee Bucks. Your exposé?
E: Lots more money, only slightly more to spend it on. Do these guys gamble? Do they set up college funds for their great-grandchildren?
K: Channing Frye does I bet.
E: Channing Frye also spends his money on movies, dinner, foozball tables, and buying cookies from every single girl scout in Arizona. FACTS I JUST MADE UP. He doesn’t buy Boy Scout popcorn, though. No one does.
K: Right. Anyway, can we get back to the important things in life: What do you think of former Knick Chris Duhon’s $16 million four year contract for the Orlando Magic?
E: I don’t. Also, are you watching the pre-Decision commentary? The commentator was really disparaging of this, but I, for one, appreciate the vuvuzelas with players’ faces on them.
K: On a related note: Booze check.
E: Like Chris Bosh in Miami, I am drinking a margarita. How do I know what he’s drinking? The short ESPN dude next to the weird LeBron triptych said it, so it must be true.

Final Predictions
K: Okay, before the Decision gets started, let’s get some final Predictions. Where is LeBron going and how are they going to fill one hour?
E: The second question is way more pressing for me. However, I’m going to go ahead and say Miami. I read it in the tar balls that are washing up on our Florida shores. Tea leaves for the 21st century. Also, THE KING HAS ARRIVED. Where is his scepter?
K: Maybe he will construct it during the hour long program. For what it’s worth, I trust the tar balls, though I think virtually any other destination besides Miami is more intriguing. But to the more pressing issue, how do you kill an hour of television? Old highlights? Interviews? How can you have an interview if he hasn’t yet announced his decision?
E: Maybe he has some thoughts he needs to get out there. This might finally be the night we learn LeBron’s take on financial regulatory reform.
K: I want to hear how LeBron’s reading of The Phenomenology of Spirit has been going and what he thinks about the more contestable of Hegel’s ideas.
E: You missed that post-game interview? God.
K: Was that in the first round against Chicago? I knew those games were dull...
E: I’m predicting the boys and girls to fill a lot of this hour. Do kids still do jump rope teams?
K: Will they make collages? God’s eyes?
E: Dance-off. Or maybe carnival games. Franchise owner dunking booth?
K: Should we do a bored kid drinking game? I suspect these kids will be bored.
E: I thought I was already playing a drinking game?
K: MORE THAN A GAME.

THE DECISION
9:00
K: SO IT BEGINS!
E: God, that’s a wise picture of Lebron on the official logo. Wise, but also contemplative. Are you there, God? It’s me, LeBron.
K: This is truly the Sophie’s Choice of sports.
E: I am really confused by that comment. Also. LeBron is looking fine.
K: Tom Ziller says, “I'm not going to say LeBron looks presidential, but ...”
E: If we all agree he’s looking good, why are we looking at these chumps? Surely he is smiling and shaking hands or walking or rubbing his nose or something equally telegenic? Give him his hour, y’all.
K: LEBRON WE WANT TO WATCH YOU RUB YOUR NOSE.

9:06
K: So far: ESPN talking heads and LeBron highlights are how you fill an hour.
E: I know LeBron set this up, so how much control does he have over the content? I like to imagine that he actually wrote the introduction being read over his highlights. “He’s led the Cavaliers to back-to-back 60-win seasons... and he is a fine dresser with a sparkling sense of humor and a really awesome car.”
K: I was having a hard time imagining this being more fawning than it already has, but I think you persuaded me. It could in fact be more fawning. Resolved.
E: Joakim Noah is the ultimate role-player? I bet he’s a little embarrassed that that got out.
K: I bet Brook Lopez is hurt by them saying that. He put a lot of time into his paladin’s back-story.

9:11
K: Okay they are really showing photoshopped pictures of LeBron wearing different jerseys.
E: FASHION SHOW. Yeah, this isn’t hard to imagine without the photoshop. I think we can all close our eyes and pretend the words “New York” are written on Lebron’s chest. I would appreciate this more if they instead imagined his off-court wear. Like, Miami Vice LeBron. Or LeBron wearing one of those foam Statue of Liberty hats.
K: “Just for fun, here’s what LeBron would look like if he was part-Cheetah!”

Miami LeBron

9:13
K: Are they showing LeBron’s own vitaminwater commercial? Weird.
E: The sorta-ad announcement just now hinted that LeBron will be answering our questions. WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS BEFORE?
K: He announced it on his Twitter. #upyourtwittergame. See what I did there? Hash-tag jokes.
E: I’m really embarrassed by what you did there. Embarrassed for both of us.
K: #deservedit.

New York LeBron

9:22
K: Here we go, some live LeBron action.
E: “What’s been going on with you this summer?” GODDAMNIT.
K: Thoughts on the shirt? Purple checked.
E: He looks super-sweet. I think he just came from a porch with rocking chairs and iced tea. The sweetness of his shirt might indicate he’s about to do something heartless. Again, the balance.
K: I enjoy the extra-bushiness of his beard.

9:24
E: He decided this morning? And his mom helped him come to it? We all know she picked out that shirt too.
K: I think that means the Heat.
E: Better roll up those shirtsleeves. How old is his mom? We all know how much old people love Florida. “I hear they have shuffleboard there, LeBron. Don’t you love your mother?”
K: She’s pretty young, but, more importantly: THE WINNING TEAM ALREADY KNOWS. This is killing me a little bit. I’m refreshing Twitter like a maniac.
E: So, did LeBron’s agent demand a certain amount of time dedicated to fluff questions?
K: It’s a standard demand.

Cheetah LeBron

9:27
K: MIAMI!
E: Let the post-decision fluff start. “So. Miami Heat. That was the decision you woke up with this morning?” Yes. That is what he said.
K: LeBron just referred to himself in the third person.
E: As an excellent asset. I think this is proof he did indeed write his commentary voiceover.

9:30
K: He’s explaining his breakup with Cleveland now. Long story, short: “It’s not you it’s me.”
E: I would like it if he’d be upfront. “Guys, I saw that mural. Do you really think I look like that?”
K: “Will you still live in Akron?” “Uhh.. I’m not sure.” Yeaaaaaah.
E: Would you still live in Akron?
K: He backed down, “Akron will always be home.” Sure it will.

9:32
K: “I know how loyal I am.” Boy, they love hearing that in Cleveland I’m sure.
E: Extended allegiance to anything in Ohio moves beyond loyalty to straight sacrifice. Sorry, Ohio. The commentator who grew up in the Midwest says, “I feel sorry for Cleveland.” I think that’s kind of the point.
K: Do you think Cleveland just collapses in the next few years without the Atlas shoulders of LeBron?

9:36
K: REACTION SHOTS. Cleveland, unsurprisingly pissed.
E: God, Miami is filled with douchebags. The Cleveland people seemed to be sadly laughing just a bit. “Yeah, we know we suck.”
K: Miami is about to get one more douchebag.
E: Would a douchebag wear that shirt?
K: You want me to answer that?

9:38
E: In all seriousness, I don’t know that I can fault LeBron for this. In any other career, in the same situation, I think it would’ve been a good move to do the same thing.
K: You don’t think all the fans who loved him feel betrayed? Is LeBron a villain now?
E: I definitely do think the Cleveland fans must feel terrible, and I can’t blame them, but I think he was reasonable in wanting to move on. I hope the LeBron-as-villain thing doesn’t become a lasting narrative.
K: Me either. Kobe will always be the villain.

9:49
K: Wow. Burning LeBron jerseys on the streets of Cleveland.
E: Oh, give me a break.
K: Yikes, third person again. Is that more alarming than burning jerseys?
E: A little. LeBron isn’t alarmed by angry burnings, apparently, as long as it’s not God torching that jersey. You think he’s going to be on God’s team one day? What do those uniforms look like?
K: You know what Bird said after the famous playoff game against the Bulls? The he didn’t play against Michael Jordan, but rather God disguised as Michael Jordan. Long story short, Bulls. God’s team is the Bulls.

9:54
K: Another decision? Oh my! Bonus Decision! Alright!
E: “I don’t normally weigh in on the Emmys, but there’s some bullshit going on I’d like to address.”
K: You think he thinks it silly that Tony Shaloub always wins best comic actor?
E: Does anyone not think that?
K: The same people who keep nominating Two and A Half Men?
E: Hopefully LeBron’s decision will be some sort of unfunded mandate for the people of Miami. “I, LeBron, do command you to construct a statue of your LeBron, measuring no less that 40 cubits in height, and you shall render onto it all appropriate sacrifices.”
K: You know that this past week, Miami-Dade county was renamed Miami-Wade county? That’s real.
E: Do counties have no shame anymore? I thought that was one unit of governance that still had some dignity.
K: They got Wade, Bosh, and LeBron. Shameless works. Speaking of which, the Heat are the only team in the league that occasionally wear pink uniforms. Just thought you should know.
E: If he can look fine in purple, he can pull off pink.

10:05
K: The other decision was the thing about Boys and Girls Club getting all the profits. Which... yeah, okay. Can’t complain.
E: But... we already knew that?

Closing Thoughts
K: Well, that got Decided. You excited about the new Heat super-team?
E: Miami should be really good. They already have an awesome name, so I’m glad there are some good players now. I feel a little let down, though.
K: Was it the lack of boats?
E: That was definitely a factor. Also, where were all the boys and girls? Also, thanks for spoiling the Miami surprise, tweeting jackasses. Even though I was never against Miami, when he said that was it, I felt totally let down.
K: Yeah, I totally hate it when reporters figure out the news and inform the public.
E: OK, totally rational and reasonable HATER.
K: You’re welcome.

There you have it. A pivotal moment in the Time of LeBron. But, what does it all mean? Explain it to us in the comments.